Specious

by Berkstresser, Robin

  “Seeing me stand up to my father gave my mother the courage she finally needed to leave. The next day, the three of us left and I didn’t see him again until about a week ago.”

  Her tone changes and becomes even darker. Her gaze returns to her hands. “My mother may have left physically with us, but my father took a part of her away that my brother and I could never get back. I raised him as best as I could.

  “When everyone was getting sick, my father showed up at our house. Almost a decade later and the sight of him still caused bile to rise in my stomach. He was already bitten and infected. My mother relented and let him stay with us because she couldn’t stand the thought of him being by himself during his illness. It only took him three hours being back in our lives to destroy everything.”

  I can’t believe how much she’s sharing and don’t want to risk her shutting down. Unable to resist any longer, I reach over and grab her hand. “At least you don’t have to worry about him anymore. He’s gone,” I say in my attempt to comfort her. I want to be the strength for her that she was for her brother growing up.

  “You don’t understand. This was before I discovered how to truly kill them. He bit my mother and…” She sobs harder and I jump out of my chair to get closer to her—a reaction to her being in pain. I place my arm around her and pull her in close so I can hold her.

  She pushes back against me and looks up at me with unfiltered grief as the tears run down her face. “The worthless piece of shit got to my brother, too. The asshole who abused me and my mother gave me one good thing in my life. All I ever wanted to do was protect my little brother and what happened? My father came in and took him from me as well.”

  I reach out and pull her in again. This time, she lets me hold her and she sobs into my chest. “Vis was in such a state of confusion that I was able to escape that night. I’ve been alone ever since.”

  “You’re not alone anymore,” I say. I gently rub her back in a motion I hope is comforting. “You’re not alone.”

  I’m not sure how long the two of us stay in that position. I try my best to be as reassuring as possible. I may be uncertain how comforting my presence actually is for her, but I’m thankful she let me in. Until this point, I’ve felt that she was the one who knew everything about me. I’ve been an open book for her and she finally let me read one of her chapters, although a disturbing one.

  Over time, she gathers control and pulls away. A quick swipe of her hands brushes her tears away. She straightens her shoulders and looks at me with renewed determination. Her eyes are red and blotchy from crying, but rather than seeing it as a weakness, as my brother would, I view it as more of a testament to her strength. She’s lost her family, yet she’s still here, fighting.

  “Do you have any other family? Cousins?” I ask, hoping she still has some family left.

  She shakes her head. “None worth mentioning. You?”

  “My mother was an only child. It’s just me and Dominic left on that side.” There’s no doubt that he’s okay and will survive this epidemic. He was right, he’s made for this. I shrug and continue, “My father had a younger sister. I imagine she would’ve had kids by now, but we lost contact with his family after he left.”

  Jess lets out a deep breath and says, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t share that story with anyone. I’m not proud that I let him kill my family. I don’t want anyone else to know my worst moment,” she says.

  A single tear escapes her eye and runs down her face. I gather my courage and step a little closer to her. I raise my hand and gently brush the tear away with my finger. I cup her face to maintain our eye contact. It’s a similar motion to what she did to me yesterday. I hope it helps her as much as it did me. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Just promise me you won’t share the story,” Jess says. She grabs my hand away from her face but holds on.

  “Of course I won’t tell,” I say. I’m slightly offended she feels like she has to make me promise, but at the same time, I understand where she’s coming from. She prides herself on the high level of strength that she possesses. “I’m glad you told me, Jess,” I say.

  She squeezes my hand and lets go. “We should keep looking for supplies. I’m starting to wonder about those damn expiration dates again.”

  I accept the change in the direction of the conversation. “I don’t think I’ll be eating those cans. Maybe one of them will be brave enough.”

  My grandparents’ kitchen looks so bare after our scavenging. It’s hard to imagine how empty the cabin will be once we leave. I’m so alone. The people I cared most about are dead.

  “I want to talk about something before we go over there,” Jess says as she carries a box of our supplies out the door. “I want to make sure we’re on the same page,” Jess says.

  “Okay, we can sit on the porch before we go back to the boat. It’s a nice day,” I say. I don’t like the sound of this conversation. Does she think I’m getting too familiar with her? Maybe I shouldn’t have held her. I know we’ve only recently met, but it felt like the right thing to do.

  I grab the other box and follow her out the front door. I take a seat in the rocking chair that my grandfather loved to sit in. Jess takes the other one.

  Jess begins, “Tell me about them.”

  “Andrew and Chris?” She nods so I continue, “There isn’t really that much to tell. Every time I came for a visit I always ended up spending time with them. Andrew is about six months older than me, and Chris a year younger. We always got along really well.” I shift to get more comfortable. “They didn’t like Dominic, so we bonded over that in the beginning.”

  “They have a sister?” She looks at me in a way that makes me feel exposed. It feels like she can read my thoughts.

  “Yeah, she’s a bit of a handful. Her name is Carly. She would always try to tag along when we would go out. She’s thirteen. They pretend to dislike her, but especially since their parents died, they’ve become very protective of her.” An image of her clinging to both of her brothers at their parents’ funeral pops up in my mind. I shake my head to get rid of the image.

  “How did their parents die?”

  “Their father really liked to tinker. He found an old vehicle—the ones where you had to manually drive—and managed to put it back together. They were driving it one day when it was icy and lost control. They got into a bad accident. No one knew exactly where either of them were. The car didn’t have a tracking system in place and it took hours to find them. By the time they were taken to the hospital, it was too late,” I tell her.

  It was an awful phone call to receive. They were always so kind to me. They didn’t look at me with the pity or disgust that I grew up with, but rather accepted me.

  “That’s awful,” Jess says, horrified. “When did this happen?”

  I count back the months. “Not too long ago. It must have been around four months ago.”

  “All three of them are Unplanned?” she asks. I raise an eyebrow at her question. I thought she didn’t care about this sort of stuff.

  “Their parents didn’t have the means.” The only reason they were able to have three children was because of how much less regulated everything is out here. “Does it matter?” I admit, I’m touchy about this.

  “Elliot, I was just asking a question. I’m glad none of them are Planned,” Jess says.

  “Oh.” I’ve never really heard anyone iterate such a strong sentiment toward not going through the genetic engineering. I examine her closer. “Why?”

  She considers her response before answering. “The wrong emphasis is placed on certain traits. A lot of things that society has deemed unimportant still make a difference in who a person is. It leads to discrimination against those who aren’t Planned. I don’t agree with mass prejudice against a significant segment of society just because of the way they were born,” Jess says.

  I tilt my head a little and examine her. She isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met before. Having a younger
, Unplanned sibling seems to have shaped Jess’s viewpoint. Why didn’t that click with Dominic?

  “Are you Planned? What specialization were you given?” I ask, unable to help myself. I’m so curious about everything to do with her.

  This time, it’s she who appears to be a little affronted.

  “Does it matter?” she repeats my earlier question back at me.

  I chuckle at her response. I’m almost positive she’s Planned. Her height and quick wit give it away. Plus, an Unplanned doesn’t get through life in the territories with Jess’s confidence and self-assurance. What makes her different than the other Planned, though, is that she manages to present herself in a way that isn’t cruel or mean. She has many similarities to everyone in society, yet the end product is so refreshingly different.

  “No, I suppose it doesn’t make a difference. You’re Jess,” I say.

  She smiles lightly and focuses her attention beyond the trees. “As you’re Elliot.”

  Is that really how she views me? As a person who’s unrelated to any science experiment but rather who I’ve become? I dig deeper into her beliefs. “Do you think when someone is born, they are who they are?”

  “Our society wants us to believe that we’re predestined and all of this genetic engineering makes everyone perfect. They think that the hard work is done once the genetic planning phase is complete. But look at you and your brother as examples. He has all the traits that everyone thought would make the best possible person, but do you really think he is?”

  The last time my brother and I were compared like this, he used me as a way to fully demonstrate his superiority. But now, Jess is doing it the other way around. She truly thinks I am a better person than he is. I can’t wrap my head around it. “I’ve spent my whole life wishing I was more like him. I’ve spent my whole life wishing I was him.”

  Jess redirects her attention to me. Her gaze has the odd effect of making me nervous and comforted at the same time. “Do you still want to be him?”

  I look down at my hands, envisioning the limp bodies of the strangers Dominic killed. “I want not to,” I finally say.

  She nods as if she was expecting that answer. “It’s a start.”

  Chapter Eleven

  I kneel next to my family’s mass grave and place my hands in the dirt, trying to get one last connection with them. So quickly, I was orphaned and then abandoned by my only other relative. How did it come to this?

  I rub the dirt through my fingers, trying to memorize the feeling. With my clean hand, I hold the photo of my mother cradling me as a baby. So many of her features are echoed through my face. Seeing her young makes it even more apparent. This comparison makes the devastation of her loss slightly easier to bear. She’s still with me, as long as I remember.

  I carefully put the picture back in my bag and examine their final resting place again. The garden is so beautiful with sunflowers naturally growing around their grave. By next year, the mound of dirt will shrink down and be covered by the flowers. They would’ve liked it.

  At least they have each other.

  “Ready?” Jess’s tender voice asks.

  I nod my head and stand back up. It’s time to move forward and focus on what’s to come. Without speaking, we make our way to the lake. Just as we did earlier, I help her into the canoe. She seems to sense my desire to stay with my thoughts and doesn’t try to make conversation.

  Slower than necessary, I row across the cove to delay having to hold a conversation a little bit longer. The farther away I get from my grandparents’ cabin, the deeper I push the emotional turmoil inside. It’s too painful to deal with. I’m not strong enough.

  I hope one day I’m able to revisit my grandparents’ cabin, but for now, I’m thankful Jess had the good sense to get me out.

  Another catcall greets us when we get within sight of Chris and Andrew’s house.

  “Are they always like this?” Jess looks unsure as to how to react to them.

  With one last shove to the pain, I laugh quietly at her reaction. “They’re just giving me a hard time right now. I’m sure the jokes will die down. It’s just that I’ve never really, well, brought a girl back.”

  Jess chuckles.

  I keep babbling, “Not that anything is going on or anything like that, but you know, they’re just making fun of me. I know it’s not like that or anything. I mean, there’s a disaster going on.”

  I have to resist the urge to jump in the water and swim away.

  “Elliot?” Jess interrupts.

  I’m so grateful she ended my embarrassment. “Yes?”

  “Stop talking,” Jess says, amused.

  Heat flows to my ears. The water has never looked so tempting.

  “About time ya’ll showed up,” Chris calls out when we get closer.

  “I never would’ve guessed our Elliot would’ve needed so much time,” Andrew says.

  Both of them wade out into the lake to pull our boat to the shore. Jess jumps out the moment she can. She’s not going to feel comfortable in the water anytime soon.

  “I’ll teach you how to swim when you’re ready,” I whisper to Jess. She nods slightly in recognition of my promise.

  “They ain’t lyin’? You actually brought a girl over?” Carly’s young voice rings out and interrupts us. She walks down the steps from their back door. Just like her brothers, her dark hair has grown since the last time I saw her. Her awkward years seem to be leaving her. She’s going to be really pretty when she gets older.

  “Hi, Carly. This is Jess,” I introduce the two of them.

  “It’s been so long since I’ve seen another girl in the house. It’s just been me and these boys.” She squeals in excitement and her hazel eyes are still wide in shock. “I really thought they was lyin’.”

  “That hurts our feelin’s. We’re a lot of fun,” Chris says.

  Carly gives him a look that forces me to bite my tongue so I don’t laugh.

  “Yeah,” Carly says. “So much fun.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, too,” Jess says with a chuckle.

  Andrew rolls his eyes at his sister’s enthusiasm. I can’t help but smile. This all feels so normal and far away from the pain that occurred across the cove.

  “The boys’ll get everythin’ inside.” Carly closes the gap between her and Jess. “I’ll give you a tour of our house. It ain’t much,” Carly admits. After a couple steps toward the house, she motions for Jess to follow her.

  “I guess I’m going inside,” Jess says, clearly entertained. She follows Carly’s excited strut.

  When she reaches Andrew, he whispers something to her that I don’t catch. Jess nods slightly and goes inside. Andrew shakes his head in response to my wordless question.

  When the front door closes and both of them are inside, Andrew says, “We haven’t told her yet.”

  “What? How could you not tell her what’s going on?” I look at both of them in disbelief.

  “We don’t wanna scare her,” Chris says. “It’s been rough since our parents died and she’s finally smilin’ again. I don’t wanna take away her happiness if we don’t have to.”

  “Why does she think we’re staying here?” I don’t know how we’re going to keep this lie up.

  “We told her you’ve come for a visit to introduce Jess to us,” Chris says.

  “What’s she going to say when she sees all the food we brought?” I question the two of them.

  “You’re just being a real good houseguest?” Chris says in an attempt to lighten the mood.

  “Listen, Elliot,” Andrew says. “I know this ain’t a long-term strategy, but we’ll tell her when the time is right. Besides, it ain’t really you or Jess’s place to tell her about everythin’. Go along with it. Make sure Jess understands the next time you speak with her.”

  “I’ll let her know, but I don’t agree with the two of you. Carly has a right to know,” I say.

  “I know, just not yet. Let her enjoy life a lil’ longer,” Chris says.<
br />
  I shrug. “Okay. Let’s bring everything inside and pull the boat out a little more. I don’t want it to drift off.”

  “Always so demanding.”

  I roll my eyes at Chris. There shouldn’t have been so much time since I last saw them.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been back since the funeral,” I say with some emotion behind my words. “I should’ve been here more. I know it has been a rough time and I haven’t been a really good friend.”

  “It’s been hard on all of us,” Andrew says. “There’s really no need to apologize, though. You have your own life to worry about. I’m glad we’re together now.”

  On this rare occasion, he’s serious. The three of us pick up the boat and move it farther up the beach. With all of us lifting it, it’s easy to transport.

  “Let’s move it over into our garage. We’ve room for it,” Chris says.

  I have a bad hold on the boat so I switch my grip. We journey to the garage in silence. Thankfully, the door is already open so we simply place the boat down in the corner. I grab a couple of the bags of food and Andrew and Chris take the rest. We have a short hike up to the front door from the detached garage.

  “You really think we need all of this? I mean, how bad can it really be?” Chris asks.

  “This might be the end of society as we know it. From what I understand, everything is going to change,” I say.

  “Well, good riddance is what I’ve got to say,” Andrew says. “It didn’t seem to care much about me anyway.”

  Chris nods in agreement.

  “You’re happy about this?” I ask. It seems like a bizarre thing to say. It’s all we’ve ever known.

  “I wouldn’t say I’m ‘happy’ about it really, but it’s just what it is. Sometimes, life falls apart and all we can do is try our best to pick up the pieces,” Andrew says.

  I don’t think either of them really understands what’s going on out there. I don’t even truly comprehend what’s happening. It’s one thing to hear about it and a whole different thing to actually witness your grandmother kill your mother.