Specious

by Berkstresser, Robin

  We reach their house, farther from the beach than my grandparents’ cabin. I’m about to walk in the door when Chris places a hand on my shoulder to hold me back. “Remember, don’t tell her what you told us.” He stares at me intently.

  I nod and open the door. Even though I know their parents are dead, I still expect to see them here. It’s weird not seeing their mother offer us food or their father reading by the fireplace. If it’s like this for me, it must have been really hard for them to stay here. I’m grateful Jess had us leave my grandparents’ cabin. If they had the chance, I wonder if they would’ve moved.

  “Come on, let’s put all of this in the closet by the kitchen. It’ll be fine there for now,” Andrew says.

  We walk into the kitchen and start packing the food away. We were fortunate that my grandparents had a lot of canned fruit.

  Between the three of us, it’s cramped in the kitchen. However, the familiarity we have with each other keeps it from being awkward.

  After so long in Potentia with the society members I can’t relate to, it’s refreshing to be around people who understand me. “I’m glad to be with the two of you right now.”

  Andrew clasps my shoulder and looks me in the eye. “I’m so sorry about your mom and grandparents, Elliot. They was incredibly kind people and I wish you would’ve had more time with ’em.”

  “It just feels like…” My voice cracks. I cough and try again. “It feels like my life has shattered.”

  Chris nods and says, “I know it does. It may seem unthinkable now, but it’ll get better. The pain never fully leaves. It’s always with you. However, you’ll start to focus on all of the good memories and realize how lucky you was to have ’em in your life in the first place.”

  I fight back the emotion from the loss. I look up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

  “I wish I could talk to my mother one last time. I can’t even remember what the last thing I said to her was. I want one last memory with her so I don’t see my grandmother ripping into her throat anymore.”

  I close my eyes as the image of her blood spraying on the walls replays in my mind.

  “It’s gonna be very hard,” Chris admits. “You gotta be strong enough to get through this, though.”

  Only because I’ve known them for my whole life, I’m able to admit my biggest fear. “What if I’m not?”

  Andrew shrugs and replies, “You’re gonna have to be.”

  I take a closer look at the two of them and am so thankful they’re with me right now. Jess expresses who I can be and Andrew and Chris are my anchors to remind me where I come from. We’re the orphans of society.

  We move out of the cramped closet and sit down at the small kitchen table. Similar to my grandparents’ cabin, there is a large window that allows us to look out to the water.

  Chris looks curiously at me and changes the topic. “I know we’ve messed around with you, but are you and Jess gonna wanna share a room? I don’t know how we’d explain that to Carly.”

  “We’re just friends,” I say. “We only just met.”

  My cheeks betray me once again and I blush. Both of them laugh openly at my embarrassment.

  “Right, well you can put your stuff in our parents’ old room,” Andrew says. I shoot him a startled look. “I know, it’s a lil’ weird, but it’s the only other room we have. Chris and I share our room. We’ll have Jess bunk in with Carly. I’m sure our sister will love it.”

  “Are you sure?” He’s right. It’s a little weird for me to sleep in their parents’ old bed. There’s a reason why Andrew and Chris still share a room even after all this time.

  “Absolutely,” Chris says. “It’s not gettin’ much use anyway. Go ahead and move your stuff in there. We’ll go make sure Carly hasn’t bored Jess to death yet.”

  “Speaking of Jess”—I haven’t heard so much as a noise from either of them—“where are they?”

  “I would bet in the basement,” Andrew says. “Probably in Carly’s room.”

  I set my bag down and walk down the stairs to the basement. I’ve never known Carly to be quiet.

  Behind me, Andrew says, “They’re fine. Why you so worked up about it?”

  I ignore him and take the steps two at a time. I can’t answer his question. I don’t know why I’m this worried.

  I reach the floor to find Carly’s door closed. I knock and let out a sigh of relief when Jess says, “Come in.”

  I open the door. Carly looks at Jess with slight annoyance. “Why’d you tell him to come in? This a girl zone.”

  “Oh, Elliot is fine, isn’t he? He isn’t one of your stinky brothers,” Jess teases. I raise an eyebrow at Jess. This is yet another side to her.

  “I guess not,” Carly says. “What you want?” She directs her attention to me.

  I’m a little taken aback. “I guess nothing really. I was just checking in to make sure the two of you were okay.”

  “We’re okay. I was just showin’ her all of my things. We was talkin’ about girl stuff,” Carly says.

  “Talk about anything good?” I ask.

  A smile plays on Jess’s lips when she says, “You know—girl stuff.”

  “Right, well I’ll leave you two to your girl time.” I give both of them a small smile and head back upstairs. Andrew and Chris wait for me on the main level.

  “I take it they’re okay?” Andrew asks. I nod sheepishly. Their response is open laughter.

  “What a shockin’ turn of events,” Chris exclaims.

  “According to Carly, they’re talking about ‘girl stuff.’”

  “I’ve no idea what that means and honestly, I don’t think I even wanna know,” Chris says.

  “Why so curious, Elliot? Do you think they’re talkin’ about you?” Andrew asks.

  I don’t mind their teasing. It may embarrass me sometimes, but I’ve always felt this is how real brothers were supposed to act. They poke fun at each other, but at the end of the day, support one another.

  “I’m going to go put my stuff in…” I pause. I don’t know what to call the room. “Where I’m going to sleep.”

  They exchange a glance, drawing attention to my insensitivity for almost bringing up their parents again.

  I walk down the hallway to the master bedroom. I’ve never actually been in their room before. It always felt like it would be an invasion of privacy if I went in here when they were alive. Even though they’re dead, it still feels the same way.

  I grit my teeth and pull the door open. It’s obvious no one has been here in awhile. It feels like I’m intruding upon their space. A film of dust covers all the furniture in the room.

  I set my stuff down by the bed and pull out the photo of my mother holding me. I gather strength from the image. Fresh grief compels me to take a seat on the bed as I reexamine every detail. Once I’m confident I could draw the photo if I had to, I put it back and grab my belongings.

  When I place my bag on the bed, some dust floats up in the air. Slightly disgusted, I carefully remove the blanket from the bed and walk out of the room. I run into Jess.

  “Oh,” she exclaims in surprise. I drop the comforter to steady her.

  “Sorry about that. Are you all right?” My arms remain on her shoulders for a little bit longer than necessary.

  “I’m fine,” Jess says.

  She looks a little dazed and embarrassed. I’m not used to her being the one displaying those emotions.

  “Well, good,” I say. I stand there awkwardly for a moment. “I’m just going outside to shake out the blanket a little bit. Do you want to go into this room?”

  “No, I was looking for you. I’ll follow you outside,” Jess says.

  I pick the blanket back up as Jess motions for me to lead the way. I walk more slowly down the hall than I did the first time. Pictures of the five of them fill the walls. I’ve never been a big fan of staged family photos. They always seem to be a lie. For a long time, my own family portrait decorated our living room. The picture showed the
four of us smiling. We were seemingly happy. The month after it was taken, my father left us and our family was broken.

  I close my eyes for a moment to visualize the photo of my mother I just safely put back. I take comfort in the revelation that she planned for me and reopen my eyes to reality.

  I open the front door and step outside. I hit the blanket a few times so the dust falls.

  “That’s gross,” Jess says.

  I can’t help but laugh. “I know. Hopefully this gets most of the dust off,” I say while I continue to shake it out. I stop once the dust finishes filling the air.

  “Come with me down to the water. I want to put my feet in,” Jess says. I place the blanket on top of one of the benches on the porch.

  “Lead the way.” I’m surprised she wants to go in the water.

  We reach the shore and she takes her shoes off to step in. I follow her lead.

  “They were thinking about having you share a room with Carly,” I say.

  Her face becomes expressionless. Her mask is in complete control.

  I get nervous and continue, “I know she can be a little much. She’s still so young. But if you don’t want to share a room with her, you can have the master bedroom and I’ll sleep on the couch in the living room.”

  “I’ll share a room with Carly,” Jess says. She turns her body away from me and stares out at the sunset.

  “Are you sure? I don’t mind the couch. I don’t want you to be bothered by her,” I say.

  “She isn’t going to bother me.”

  I’ve always viewed Carly as a minor annoyance and I assumed she would as well. I admire the sunset with her. It seems so peaceful. It’s unsettling that everything has fallen apart when it all appears so perfect here.

  “They don’t want to tell Carly what’s going on. That’s ridiculous.” She turns to me suddenly in anger.

  I sigh and look away from the sunset, focusing on Jess’s true reason for wanting to speak with me. “They think they’re protecting her.”

  “Protecting her?” Jess repeats in disbelief. “If she doesn’t understand the danger she’s in, how can she be protected?”

  “I agree with you, but I also understand their side,” I say. “They’ve been through a lot lately and they don’t want to put her through another ordeal.”

  “Reality doesn’t care what people want,” Jess says. The bitterness in her tone is the same as when she told me about her history.

  “She has four people to protect her. We’re in a safe place. It’s a different situation than the one with your brother.”

  Jess shrugs. I don’t push her and instead change the subject.

  “Where do you think everyone is?”

  “What do you mean?” she asks.

  “We can’t be the only people left. How come we haven’t seen more people? Infected or not,” I say. At moments like this, when there are no other people in sight, it’s easy to imagine us being some of the last people in the world.

  “I’ve been thinking about it as well. I know we’re secluded, but I would’ve thought we’d have run into other life,” Jess says.

  “Do you think everyone is dead?” Maybe if I say it quietly enough, it won’t be a possibility.

  “There have to be other people. They just aren’t around us,” she says. “Don’t worry, we’ll find more people. One way or the other.”

  “No matter what, I’m glad you’re here with me,” I say.

  She turns her head toward me and offers a half smile. “Me, too.”

  The sun falls farther down. The light fades rapidly so the two of us make our way back to the front door. I grab my blanket and we enter our new home.

  Chapter Twelve

  I yawn at the breakfast table from not having slept well this last week. It feels like I spend hours worrying about the future before I’m finally able to drift off into an uneasy sleep. Dominic always enters my dreams and twists them into nightmares. It’s only during the day with Jess that I’m finally able to relax.

  “I can’t wait for school to start back up. I can’t believe it keeps gettin’ pushed back. I miss my friends,” Carly says.

  Jess shoots Andrew a nasty look when he says, “Don’t worry, lil’ sister, they’ll reopen in no time. It’s just takin’ ’em longer to fix the plumbin’ issue than they thought. You don’t wanna go to a school that smells like poop, do you?”

  She makes a disgusted face.

  They still haven’t told her what’s going on. The timing was fortunate because in Accidia, their education takes second priority to maintaining the produce requests from the different territories. Because of the season, the education system was suspended when the infection spread.

  Jess expresses her disapproval over this every chance she gets, but so far, the two of us have kept our mouths shut, as promised. I don’t know how much longer Jess will be able to do this. Besides, Carly is a smart kid, and deep down she knows something is going on.

  “I’m not worried,” she says. “I just miss my friends from school. I don’t understand why I can’t go and see ’em.”

  “Because we’ve guests over, that’s why,” Chris says. “It’d be rude if you left while they’re visitin’.”

  “But Jess don’t mind. Do you, Jess?”

  She puts her hands up in retreat. “I’m not getting involved.”

  Carly gives her an annoyed look and turns her attention to me. “Do you care, Elliot?”

  “This is up to your brothers, not me,” I reply along the same lines as Jess. I’m not as passionate about this as Jess is, but I still am getting more and more annoyed that they haven’t told her yet.

  Carly throws up her arms in anger. “Ya’ll are unreasonable. I’m old enough to visit my friends when I wanna. Besides, Jess and Elliot been here for a week. They don’t actually care if I’m gone for an hour.”

  “I’ll tell you what. When you grow up, you can make those decisions. Until then, you have to listen to us,” Andrew says. His voice rises in anger.

  “You think that just because Mom and Dad died, you have all this power, but you don’t. You’re not them. You’re not my parents,” she says.

  Carly stands up abruptly from the table and storms out of the room.

  “Ya’ll should’ve backed us up there,” Chris says when her door slams in the basement. He looks dejected.

  “You two should have told her what’s going on,” Jess snaps back. “She needs to know.”

  “I know we need to tell her eventually. Honestly, we haven’t seen any of ’em. The longer the time goes on, the more it seems like it’s all make believe,” Chris admits as he drops eye contact.

  “You need to tell her,” Jess repeats.

  The two brothers exchange a glance full of conflicting emotions. I understand where they’re coming from, but I can’t unsee the things I’ve witnessed. They have to prepare her.

  “If you don’t tell her tonight, I will,” Jess says. I nod in agreement and both of them look at me in betrayal.

  Andrew and Chris make eye contact for a long time before Andrew finally nods. “We’ll tell her tomorrow when she wakes up, I promise. I wanna let her have at least a one more day to think everything is okay.”

  “Tomorrow,” Chris says.

  I look over at Jess. She appears to be pleased with the outcome of the conversation. I can’t blame her. It has become more difficult each day to lie to Carly and pretend we’re just here for a visit. The hardest part was when she asked where my mother was. Chris came to my rescue and told Carly she was busy at work, but I was able to come due to a quick break before a major project at school.

  “Today is going to be the day I learn how to swim,” Jess says, changing the subject. “Elliot, will you teach me as soon as we’re done with breakfast?”

  “Of course,” I say. “Why today?”

  Jess shrugs. “Why not?”

  I don’t have an argument for that. “As soon as we’re done with breakfast,” I say.

  “Well, don�
��t mind us,” Chris says.

  “Yeah, I guess we’ll just hang out by ourselves,” Andrew says.

  Jess rolls her eyes. “You two are obviously more than welcome to join us.”

  “I thought you’d never ask,” Chris says.

  This time, I’m the one who rolls my eyes at them. I chuckle and finish my meal. It’s nothing special, but it’s at least something to eat. The food packets are long gone, so we’ve been eating the spare produce. This morning, we had canned dried fruit. I stand up and grab everyone’s plates and place them in the sink.

  “I’ll meet you all down by the water in ten minutes,” I say.

  Jess nods and stands up from the table. “Okay, I’ll go get ready.” Her hands shake and she takes a deep breath to steady herself.

  “No need to be scared, Jess,” Chris says in an apparent attempt to help calm her.

  “He’s right. We’ll go get some arm floaties for you,” Andrew teases.

  Andrew and Chris laugh loudly. Jess shoots me a look, warning me not to laugh, but it has the opposite effect. I can’t help myself. I chuckle.

  Her mouth twitches in amusement so I know she isn’t actually mad. Sensing this is a good time to make my exit, I leave the kitchen and head toward my room.

  I change into my bathing suit and carefully place my precious photograph of my mother into the top drawer. I want to keep it safe.

  I hear a knock on the door. I automatically reach for a shirt to cover my chest. The memory of Jess seeing my scars crosses my mind. They’re something I’ve always hidden in shame, but she accepted them. If she didn’t care, surely Chris and Andrew wouldn’t either. I’m tired of living my whole life hiding it. There’s no need to be ashamed.

  I release my grip on the shirt. It remains in the drawer.

  Full of newfound confidence, I call out, “Come in.”

  The door swings open and Jess walks into my room. She appears to be calm, but her eyes betray her inner conflict.

  I furrow my eyebrows at her demeanor.

  “Why are you so anxious?” I suspect the answer.