Specious

by Berkstresser, Robin

My arms tire from the weight of Carly’s body. I limp slightly from the cut in my foot, but I push through. The physical pain is a distraction from the emotional agony that I can’t escape. I can’t get away from the anguish.

  I’m the one who volunteered to go get her body, although there really wasn’t much of an option. Andrew and Chris are both in shock and I left Jess to watch after them. Truth is, though, I wanted to be alone.

  With every step, the pain gets worse. I welcome it. I savor it. It’s the only thing that keeps my sanity intact. I should have protected her, but instead she was brutally killed. The guilt threatens to devour me. Where is my breaking point? How much loss can I take before I don’t care anymore? I worry I’m getting close to my threshold. First my mother and grandparents, and now Carly.

  For some reason, Carly’s death strikes a different cord. She was so young, so innocent. She hadn’t even lived yet. Her life was so full of possibility and promise but instead, there is nothing for her anymore. Her life peaked without anyone knowing it. Her screams haunt me and push me deeper into the darkness. Why is this happening?

  If I’m this disturbed by witnessing the aftermath of her death, I can’t imagine how Andrew and Chris must feel right now. There’s truly no coming back from that, especially so soon after they lost their parents. There are too many horrifying images that disturb my mind. It’s overwhelming. My mother. My grandparents. Carly. How did we get here? Society is supposed to be so advanced to protect us from Death. Yet here he is, claiming the ones I care about.

  Every other death I’ve known about, even Ian’s younger sister—though that seems like a lifetime ago—was affecting someone else. It was sad to witness, but it wasn’t my family. The sadness that I felt was almost secondhand. It was a terrible thing to happen, of course, but the people I cared about were still healthy. My world was still intact.

  The view of the house gets closer and I can make out three shapes waiting for me. The sun sets behind them so I can’t see their faces. I shift the weight in my arms to get temporary relief. The shadows move toward me, closing the gap between us.

  Jess is the first one to break the silence. “We’re going to bury her back in the gardens.”

  “Okay.” My voice cracks from misuse. It’s fitting that they would want to put her in the gardens. After all, just recently we buried my family in one.

  “Let me carry my lil’ sister,” Chris mutters, his voice full of heartbreak.

  I nod and hand her over to him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so gentle with anything in my life. The last thing I want to do is cause any more harm to her.

  Chris caresses some hair out of the empty eyes. There is so much love and tenderness in one simple motion. Tears fall on her face. Wordlessly, Chris holds her tighter as he walks behind the house. Andrew follows with his shoulders slumped, dejected.

  Jess and I stay put. I’m not sure if I have the emotional fortitude to fully prepare myself for this funeral. I would much rather lie in bed and go to sleep. It would be a wonderful escape from all of this pain.

  Jess turns her head and we make eye contact. Her guard is down. She shows me all of her pain and hurt from today’s events. Buried beneath the surface, however, is a fire of strength. Careful not to get burned, I take a deep breath and reach out for her hand. One step at a time.

  We turn the corner and find Andrew holding Carly’s body. Chris has broken the ground and is digging with an almost maniacal motion. I drop my eyes. This moment feels so personal. A flash of color catches my attention. I’m covered in blood. Some of it’s darker and sprayed on me so it must have come from her killer. My chest is soaked with the fresh blood of Carly.

  The sight panics me. I let go of Jess’s hand and uselessly try to wipe it all off. It’s only smearing and every attempt I make gets more and more frantic. I forget all about reality and focus on this task. I need it to come off. It has to get off my body.

  “Elliot, you’re fine. I’ll help you get it off later.” I vaguely hear her voice, but it doesn’t break my trance. She doesn’t understand. I can’t have it cover my body for one more second.

  A pressure begins on my back and reaches around to my chest. Jess’s hands interlock on my chest and her face rests against my back. She’s holding me together.

  “Elliot, listen to me. We’ll get it off afterward. Right now, we’re going to bury Carly.” The combination of her touch and voice brings me back to reality. I drop my hands and let them fall to my side.

  “I’m sorry.” The desperation to get the blood off is still very strong and my hands twitch in need.

  “Let’s go help them,” she says and motions for me to grab her hand again. I take hold and interlock my fingers with hers. I do my best to ignore the blood that has now spread to her arms and fresh white shirt she put on. My hand shakes and Jess tightens her grip in reaction.

  We walk over to them. Chris has made a great deal of progress for such a short amount of time. Maybe it took us longer to join them than I thought.

  “Take a break, Chris. I can finish up,” I say. Sweat covers his body and his breathing is labored.

  “No, I will,” Andrew says. “The two of us oughtta be the ones to dig her grave.”

  Chris stops digging and puts the shovel down. “After all, we was the ones that put her there.”

  They switch places and Andrew takes over the digging while Chris holds her body.

  The beauty of the setting sun contrasts with the situation. It seems like it could be such a peaceful, wonderful moment. I stare out at the sunset. There’s so much that could have been in Carly’s life—that should have been.

  The sound of the shovel thrown on the ground snaps me out of my daze. The hole is ready.

  “Let me see her one more time. Elliot, will you hold her for me?” Jess asks. I nod and Chris sets her in my arms.

  Jess keeps her back to them and pulls out a small knife. “Just in case,” she whispers and stabs her in the head. I cringe but do nothing else to betray what has just happened. She swipes Carly’s hair to cover her new wound and stashes the knife back away.

  I study Carly’s face for the last time. She was going to turn into a beautiful woman. Her youthful weight was starting to leave and in its place, the promise of a healthy teenager remained. She could have done so much with her life and it frustrates me that she no longer has the option. I let the anger over this injustice smolder inside of me. There’s no one to blame but us.

  Jess leans down and finds a small bloodless spot on her forehead to kiss.

  “You will be missed,” she whispers. It’s a short, accurate statement.

  Her death makes an impact on all of us. It may not reach a large number of people but to the four of us, she was important and it matters that she’s no longer with us.

  I want to say something meaningful and heartfelt but instead, all I do is agree. “You will.”

  I carry her body over to the grave. Andrew and Chris have already gotten inside of the hole. I carefully kneel down. Together, we place her into her final resting place.

  The grieving brothers crawl out of their sister’s grave and push the dirt over her body. The last thing that pokes out of the dirt is her feet. They finish filling the hole and the four of us stare down at the mound of dirt. It’s surreal.

  Chris clears his throat. “I’m so sorry, Carly. I wish more than anything that we could’ve protected you. I’m never gonna be able to live with myself for what happened to you.” At this, his voice breaks and sobs take over.

  Andrew continues for him. “We’re your older brothers and we was supposed to keep you safe. That was our one job. We failed you. You couldn’t have been more loved.” His voice fails and the two brothers comfort each other.

  This is such a private moment between the two of them. Jess motions for me to leave with her. We make our way through the back door and enter the house through the kitchen. The last time I was in here was when Carly stormed out in anger.

  “Let’s go clean you off,”
Jess says, interrupting my thoughts. She reminds me of the blood that covers my body. My skin crawls. I fight the desire to rub it off.

  “Please,” I beg.

  She leads me into the bathroom and turns the faucet on, followed by the showerhead. After a couple moments, I test the water and make sure it has heated up.

  I look back at Jess. She hasn’t left yet. I give her a questioning glance.

  “Keep your bathing suit on. You’re going to need help getting it all off,” she says.

  I step in the shower and am disgusted when I see the water turn red as the blood flows off of me. I can’t help it anymore and rub my arms to get it off more quickly. Jess joins me in her unfitted bathing suit and wipes my back down with a washcloth.

  “Turn around,” she says.

  I do so without thinking and her hands find my chest. The washcloth trails up and down. I keep my head lowered to watch the process. With every swipe, less blood remains. The red color of the water, falling gradually, turns more and more pink until finally, it’s clear.

  “Close your eyes,” she says. She waits for me to comply and applies the steady pressure of the washcloth.

  With my eyes closed, it’s harder to keep my balance so I hold on to her waist. She feels so sturdy and healthy. It’s reassuring to feel this evidence of life. It’s a promise that everything isn’t over yet.

  “I’m going to get out while you finish up. I want to look at your foot when you’re done,” Jess says in my ear. I keep my eyes closed for a little bit longer and when I open them, she’s out of the bathroom. Her wet footprints are the only evidence that she was here.

  I untie my bathing suit shorts and let them drop. It feels refreshing to take them off and be clean. When I’m satisfied that all of the evidence of today’s events are erased from my body, I turn off the water and grab a towel. I dry myself off and toss the bathing suit in the trash. I never want to wear it again.

  With a clean towel wrapped around my waist, I make my way to the bedroom and am surprised to see Jess sitting on the bed. She looks exhausted. Her fire of strength from earlier has reduced to embers, still emitting heat, but not as bright.

  “I’ll look away while you put on some clothes,” she says and turns to face the opposite wall. She’s changed into one of my shirts.

  I quickly find a pair of shorts and cover myself. I sit next to her on the bed and sigh.

  She nods and says, “Let me look at your foot. You were limping earlier.”

  She gets off the bed and leans down to examine me. Her fingers probe and my foot jumps back in reaction.

  “Do you remember what you did?” She tilts her head and looks at my foot.

  “I vaguely remember stepping on a rock. I haven’t really thought about it,” I say.

  “We need to clean it out and put a bandage over it. I don’t want it to get infected.” The last word echoes throughout the room. “Do you think…” I start.

  She furrows her eyebrows in thought. “I believe you should be okay. I think it’s transferred through saliva.”

  My heart races while I remember her previous explanation. “No, you said bodily fluids. That includes blood.” I jerk my foot away and look around the room anxiously.

  Her voice remains calm as she tells me, “Elliot, take a deep breath. There’s no sense in worrying about something that may not happen.” Her face doesn’t betray any fear, and I relax at this.

  I shake my head to dispel the thought of my being infected. I take a couple of deep breaths, as instructed, and start to feel better.

  “We can clean it tomorrow,” I say. “Honestly, I just want to go to bed and forget.”

  “First thing in the morning then. Let me know if you start to feel sick,” she says.

  I nod in agreement and her tone softens. “Can I stay in here tonight? I don’t want to go down to her room.”

  “Of course. I can sleep on the couch,” I say without hesitation.

  She pauses before saying, “No, I want you to stay in here with me.”

  “Okay, you can have the bed. I’ll take the floor.”

  “Dammit, Elliot. I want to share the bed tonight. I don’t want to be alone,” she says. She no longer sounds timid. Instead, she’s annoyed.

  “Oh,” I say, “if that’s what you want. Is that a good idea?” I gesture toward my foot.

  Jess nods and gets under the covers. She gestures for me to join her.

  Getting off my foot is a physical relief, but I can’t escape what I saw today.

  “Jess?” I ask, timid.

  “Mmmm?” she mutters as she turns off the lamp.

  “Did you look closely at it? It didn’t have a lower lip anymore. Its bottom teeth were in a permanent grimace. It did that to itself, didn’t it? When it was eating Carly?”

  Exhaling a deep breath, Jess answers, “I would suspect that.”

  Every once in awhile, I’ll accidentally bite the inside of my mouth when eating. It’s always a sharp reminder to be more careful to prevent further pain. That creature was so far removed from its humanity, it lacked any sense of self-preservation and tore its own flesh away from its weapon—its teeth. How did we come to this?

  Jess scoots close enough so her breath unevenly hits my cheek. “Hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay,” she whispers.

  I bring her to my chest. “Everything is going to be okay,” I repeat to her even though I don’t believe it.

  There’s no way it can be.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I wake up and unwillingly prepare myself to welcome the new day. I take stock in my health and am relieved I’m just as healthy as yesterday. Jess was right. I wasn’t infected.

  My arm aches from slamming the branch on the creature’s head, over and over. I lie in bed and try to go back to sleep. I want to delay joining everyone for breakfast as long as possible. There’s going to be such an obvious hole in our group. I roll over and stretch out. I don’t hit anyone. My eyes open in alarm.

  Rationally, I know she probably just got up before me, but I can’t calm the storm of anxiety that has infiltrated my senses. I jump out of the bed. I come down hard on my right foot and cringe. Maybe I should have let Jess help me clean it last night.

  I push that worry away and limp out of the room. Andrew and Chris sit in the living room. They look completely numb. Chris reacts slightly to my entrance but doesn’t say anything.

  “Have the two of you seen Jess?”

  Slowly, Chris shakes his head and stares back into the void. My panic rises and I struggle to push it back down to a manageable level.

  “I’m going to go look for her,” I say as calmly as I can manage.

  My shoes rest just outside the back door. I cram my feet into them quickly. Once again, there’s a twinge of pain but I ignore it. My mind is too preoccupied with worry. I can’t get rid of the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong. Images of Carly’s mutilation won’t stop passing through my head—her guts ripped from her body. That can’t happen to Jess.

  “Jess?” I call out. No one answers. I limp away from the lake and into the forest. I call out every thirty seconds or so. Every time silence answers me back, my dread grows and threatens to drown me.

  Finally, I hear her voice. “Over here,” she says.

  Just like that, my unease disappears and relief takes its place. I make my way to her voice. She’s kneeling, hair messily put up, and fumbling with something on the ground. A long strand of rope is behind her. Her body language is very tense.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m trying to make a snare. Although I’m not doing that great of a job,” she says, dropping the rope in frustration. She looks up at me and I can see the torment in her eyes. She’s barely holding on right now.

  I lean down next to her and pick up the rope from the ground.

  “What are you trying to catch?” I ask to focus the conversation on the snare. I haven’t seen much game in the area since we got here.

  “I d
on’t know if ‘catch’ is the right word. I found some rope in their garage and I’ve been trying to set some traps so the creatures can’t sneak up on us again. We were naïve to think we would be safe here,” Jess says.

  “It isn’t going to stop them all.” I play with the rope in my hands and test its strength.

  “If we make enough, it can at least help,” she says. “We’re surrounded by water except for this section. We should make as many as we can.” Her eyebrows are furrowed together as if she’s fighting to keep her emotions in check. “Do you have any better ideas?”

  I look around the forest and think. Ideally, we could build some sort of fence or wall, but that would take weeks. I shake my head. Sometimes, a weak plan is better than none at all.

  “Let me show you how to make them,” I tell her. She looks confused, so I answer her unspoken question. “My grandfather taught us when we were younger.”

  What would Dominic think about Carly’s death? He probably wouldn’t care.

  “I thought I could figure it out on my own…” She trails off, taking my attention away from thoughts of my brother.

  “It was a good start,” I say. “Watch me do one. Okay?”

  She nods.

  In my head, I hear my grandfather’s low, steady voice instructing me on all of the steps. I grab the rope and create a noose. I talk her through how to tie the knot and we gather rocks to weigh the trap down. Finally, I attach it to a small limb and step away from the finished product.

  “This will hold as long as they don’t put too much pressure on the rope. Once they walk through, they will set it off and become ensnared in the trap,” I say.

  I admit, I’m proud of myself. It’s one of the better snares I’ve made.

  “Let’s make another one. This time, I’ll watch you do it.”

  I stand up and unwillingly startle when I put more weight on my foot. Jess shoots me a concerned glance but doesn’t say anything. She’s too focused on the task at hand. The next trap goes a lot smoother than her earlier attempt. It falls apart once and the second time, she corrects her mistake.

  Our morning passes with few words shared between us. As time goes on, I take her lead and focus solely on making as many snares as we can. It feels like if we can just make enough of them, we’ll protect ourselves and bring Carly back. This irrational thought keeps me going. We just need to correct our mistake.