The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You

by Harry Harrison

  "Very interesting," I said. Angelina bugged me and Coypu turned off his machine. "How big can you make the screen?" I asked.

  "There is no physical or theoretical limit on its size since it doesn't exist. Now I am using metal coils to contain the field, but they are dispensable in theory. Once I am able to project the field without material containment it will be big enough to send the entire alien fleet through."

  "My thought exactly, Professor. So, back to your drawing board and get cracking. Meanwhile I'll break the news to our masters."

  Calling together all of the chiefs of staff was not easy since they were deeply involved in running the war, if not in winning it. In the end I had to work through Inskipp who used the powers of the Special Corps to call the meeting. Since they were using this base as headquarters for defense they found it hard to ignore the call of their landlord. I was waiting when they arrived, crisp and shining in a new uniform, a number of real medals, and a few fakes, pinned to my chest. They grumbled to each other, lit large cigars and scowled in my direction. As soon as they were all seated I rapped for attention.

  "Gentlemen, at the present time we are losing the war."

  "We didn't have to come here to have you tell us that," Inskipp snarled. "What's up, diGriz?"

  "I brought you here to tell you that the end of the war is now in sight. We win."

  That caught their notice, all right. Every grizzled head was now leaning in my direction, every yellowed or drooping eye fixed upon me.

  "This will be accomplished through the use of a new device called the parallelilizer. With its aid the enemy fleet will fly into a parallel universe and we will never see them again."

  "What is this madman talking about?" an admiral grumbled.

  "I am talking about a concept so novel that even my imaginative mind has difficulty grasping it, and I expect that your fossilized ones can't understand it at all. But try." A deep growl ran through the room with that, but at least I bad their attention now. "The theory goes like this. We can time travel to the past, but we cannot change the past. Since we obviously make changes by going into the past, those changes are already part of the past of the present we are living in." A number of eyes turned glassy at this but I pressed on. "However if major changes are made in the past we end up with a different past for a different present. One we don't know about since we are not living in it, but one that is real for the people who do exist there. These alternate time lines, or parallel universes, were inaccessible until the invention of the parallelilizer by our Corps genius, Professor Coypu. This device enables us to step into other parallel universes, or to fly in or get there in a number of interesting ways. The most interesting will be the generation of a screen big enough for the entire alien fleet to fly through so they will never bother us again. Any questions?"

  There certainly were, and after a half an hour of detailed explanations I think I had convinced them all that something nasty was going to happen to the aliens and the war would be over, and they certainly approved of that. There were smiles and nods, and even a few muffled cheers. When Inskipp spoke it was obvious that he spoke for them all.

  "We can do it! End this terrible war! Send the enemy fleet into another universe!"

  "That is perfectly correct," I said.

  "IT IS FORBIDDEN," a deep voice, a disembodied voice, said. Speaking apparently from the empty air over the table.

  It was very impressive and at least one officer clutched at his chest, whether for his heart or some religious tract was not clear. But Inskipp, con man himself, was not conned.

  "Who said that? Which one of you is the joker with the ventriloquial projector?"

  There were loud cries of innocence and much looking under the furniture. All of which stopped when the voice spoke again.

  "It is forbidden because it is immoral. We have spoken."

  "Who have spoken?" Inskipp shouted.

  "We are the Morality Corps."

  Ibis time the voice came from the open doorway, not out of the air, and it took an instant to realize this. One by one the heads snapped around and every eye was fixed on the man when he came in. And very impressive he was too. Tall, with long white hair and beard, wearing a floor-length white robe. But it was hard to impress Inskipp.

  "You are under arrest," he said. "Call the guards to take him away. I've never even heard of the Morality Corps."

  "Of course not," the man answered in deep tones. "We are too secret for that."

  "You, secret," Inskipp sneered. "My Special Corps is so secret that most people think it is just a rumor."

  "I know. That's not too secret. My Morality Corps is so secret there aren't even any rumors of its exis, tence."

  Inskipp was turning red and beginning to swell up. I stepped in quickly before he exploded. "That all sounds very interesting, but we will need a little proof, won ' t we?"

  "Of course," he fixed me with a steely gaze. "What is your most secret code?"

  "I should tell you?"

  "Of course not. I'll tell you. It is the Vasarnap Cipher, is it not?"

  "It might be," I equivocated.

  "It is," he answered sternly. "Go then to the Top Secret computer terminal there and give it this message in that cipher. The message is 'Reveal all about the Morality Corps."'

  "I'll do that," Inskipp said. "The agent diGriz is not cleared for the Vasarnap Cipher." That's how much he knew. But all the eyes were upon him as he went to the computer terminal and rattled the keys. Then he took a cipher wheel from his pocket, plugged it into the terminal and typed in the message. The speaker scratched and the monotone voice of the computer droned out.

  "Who makes this request?"

  "I, Inskipp, head of the Special Corps."

  "Then I will reveal that the Morality Corps is the top priority secret force in the League. Its orders must be obeyed. The orders will be issued by the Morality Corps top executive. At the present time the top executive is Jay Hovah."

  "I am Jay Hovah," the newcomer said. "Therefore I repeat. It is forbidden to send the alien invaders into a parallel world."

  "Why?" I asked. "You don't mind our blowing them up, do you?"

  He fixed his stem gaze upon me. "To battle in selfdefense is not immoral. This is the defense of one's home and loved ones."

  "Well if you don't mind our blowing them up--what is the complaint about slipping them into another world line? That won't hurt them half as much."

  "It won't hurt them at all. But you will be sending ravening aliens in a giant battle fleet into a parallel universe where they did not exist before. You will be responsible for their killing all the humans in that universe. That is immoral. A way must be found to eliminate the enemy without making others suffer."

  "You can't stop us," one of the admirals shouted in anger.

  "I can and I will," Jay Hovah said. "It says in the Constitution of the League of United Planets that no immoral acts will be indulged in by member planets or by forces operating under the orders of member planets. You will find that a clause is included in the original agreement signed by all planetary representatives that a Morality Corps will be founded to determine what is moral. We are the top authority. We say no. Find yourself another plan."

  While Jay was talking all the little wheels in my head were spinning busily. They stopped finally and the winning numbers came up.

  "Stop this bickering," I said, then had to repeat myself, shouting, before I was heard. "I have come up with the alternative plan." This quieted them down and even Jay stopped pontificating for a bit to listen. "The Morality Corps protests that it would be an immoral act to shoot all the nasties into a parallel universe where they can work their will upon the human beings there. Is that your argument, Jay?"

  "Put rather crudely, but in essence, yes."

  "Then you wouldn't protest at all if we pushed the enemy into a parallel universe where there were no human beings?"

  He opened and shut his mouth a few times at that one, then scowled fiercely. I smil
ed and lit a cigar. The admirals buzzed, mostly with bafflement since they weren't too bright or they would have enlisted in the peacetime navy.

  "I would like a second opinion," Jay Hovah finally said.

  "By all means, but make it fast."

  He glared at me, but pulled out a gold pendant that hung about his neck and whispered into it. Then listened. And nodded.

  "It would not be immoral to send the aliens into a universe where there were no human beings. I have spoken."

  "What is happening?" a bewildered admiral asked.

  "It's very simple," I told him. "There are millions, billions, probably an infinite number of parallel galaxies. Among this number there must surely be one where Homo sapiens never existed. There might even be a galaxy populated only by aliens where our enemies would be made welcome."

  "You have just volunteered to find the right one," Inskipp ordered. "Get moving, diGriz, and find us the best place to send that battle fleet."

  "He shall not go alone," Jay Hovah announced. "We have been watching this agent for a long time since he is the most immoral man in the Special Corps."

  "Very flattering," I said.

  "Therefore we do not take his word for anything. When he looks for the correct parallel galaxy one of our agents will accompany him."

  "That's just fine," I told him. "But please don't forget that there is a war on and I don't want one of your leadenfooted, psalm-singing moralists hanging around my neck." Jay was whispering instructions into his communicator. "This is a military operation and I move fast. .

  I shut up when she walked in the door. From Jay's outfit, if the long robe meant anything, but it was filled quite differently from his. Some very interesting curves revealed rather than concealed. Honey-blonde hair, rose lips, shining eyes. Very attractive package in every way.

  "This is agent Incuba who will accompany you," Jay said.

  "Well, in that case I withdraw my objections," I smarmed. "I'm sure she is a very efficient officer . . ."

  "Oh, yes?" a voice spoke out from the thin air, the second time this day. Only this one was a female voice that I instantly recognized. "If you think you are going galaxyhopping alone with that sleazy sexpot, Jim diGriz, you are very mistaken. You had better book three tickets."

  NINETEEN

  "What kind of secret war conference is this?" Inskipp howled. "Is everyone listening to it? That was your wife on the eavesdropping circuit, diGriz--wasn't it?"

  "Sounded very much like her," I said a little too heartily. "I guess you ought to have the security arrangements checked out. But you'll have to take care of that yourself because I have to go look at some other galaxies and that is a time-consuming business. You'll get my report soonest, gentlemen."

  I exited with Incuba a few steps behind me. Angelina was waiting in the corridor. Eyes glowing like a female lioness, fingernails hooked like claws. She seared my skin with one sizzling glare, then turned her destroying gaze on Incuba.

  "Do you plan to wear that bathrobe for this arduous trip?" she asked, voice close to absolute zero. Incuba looked Angelina up and down, her expression unchanged although her nostrils flared ever so lightly as though she had sniffed something bad.

  "Probably not. But whatever I wear it will certainly be more practical--and a good deal more attractive than that."

  Before the warfare escalated I took the coward's way out and dropped a mini smoke-grenade. It banged -and puffed and took their attention off their differences for an instant. I spoke quickly.

  "Ladies, we leave in one half an hour so please be ready. I am off to the lab now to set things up with Professor Coypu and I hope that you will join me there."

  Angelina joined me now, grabbing my arm with talons sunk deep, marching me off down the corridor, hissing words into my ear--then biting it for emphasis.

  "One pass at that tramp, one look, one touch of your hand on hers and you are a dead man, Dirty Old Jim diGriz."

  "What happened to innocent-until-proven-guilty?" I groaned, rubbing the aching earlobe. "I love you and none other. Now, can we drop this and get on with the war. And get Coypu to set up our investigation."

  "You have only one choice of a possible galaxy," Coypu said, after I had explained the situation.

  "What do you mean?" I was shocked. "Billions, an infinite number you said."

  "I did. That many exist. But we can get access for a large object, such as a spaceship, to only six. After that the energy demand is too great to open a screen more than two meters in diameter. You're not going to get many aliens through a hole that big."

  "Well, that's at least six universes. So why do you say only one?"

  "Because in the other five this laboratory exists and I have observed myself or other humans in it. In the sixth, which I call Space Six, there is no laboratory or Corps base. The screen opens into interstellar space."

  "Then that is the one we must try," a golden voice said, and Incuba tripped in through the door. She was fetchingly garbed in tight shipsuit, kinky black boots and other interesting things that I knew better than to notice since Angelina was right behind her. I turned my gaze to Coypu; uglier but safer.

  "Then that is the one we must try," I told him.

  "I thought you might say that. I have the parallelilizer screen projected outside this laboratory building. It is one hundred meters in diameter. I suggest you get a spacer with a smaller diameter and I will instruct you from there on."

  "Great idea. A Lancer scoutship will just do the job."

  I exited with my loyal crew right after me. I signed for the scoutship and did all the preflight checks with Angelina's assistance. Incuba stayed out of the control room, which made life easier to live.

  "I've always wanted to see another universe," I said brightly.

  "Shut up and fly this thing."

  I sighed and got Coypu on the radio.

  "Fly forty-six degrees from your present position," he said. "You will see a circular ring of lights."

  "Got it."

  "Then go through it. And I suggest you make a careful navigation fix on the other side and drop a radio beacon as well."

  "Very helpful of you. We would like to get back someday."

  The spacer slipped through the ring, which vanished behind us. In the rear scopes I could see a disc of blackness occulting the stars.

  "Position recorded, beacon launched," Angelina said.

  "You are wonderful. I note from the recordings that there is a nice G2 star over there about fifty light years away. And the radio tells me that it was emitting radio signals some fifty years ago. Shall we go look?"

  "Yes. And that's all you will be looking at!"

  "My love!" I took her hands in mine. "I have eyes only for you." Then I saw that she was smiling, then laughing and we clinched a bit. "You have been leading me on?" I accused.

  "A little bit. I thought it would be fun to go on this trip and it seemed a good reason. Also I will flay you with broken glass if you go anywhere near that Morality Corps chicken."

  "No fear. I am too busy saving the galaxy once again."

  When we came out of warpdrive Incuba joined us at the controls.

  "There are two inhabited planets about that sun?" she asked.

  "That is what the instruments and the radio tell us. We are taking a look-see at the nearest."

  It was a quick jump by warpdrive and then we were dropping down into the atmosphere. Blue sky, white clouds, a very pleasant place. The radio was blaring out very sinister music and occasional bursts of some incomprehensible language. None of us felt like talking. What, or who, inhabited this planet was of utmost importance. Lower and lower until the landscape was clear below us.

  "Houses," Angelina said, sounding very unhappy. "And plowed fields. Looks very much like home..."

  "No, it doesn't," I shouted, turning up the magnification.

  "Beautiful!" Angelina sighed, and it was. At least at this moment. Something with far too many legs was pulling a plow. Steering the plow was a very
repulsive alien who would have been right at home with our present enemies.

  "An alien universe!" I laughed as I spoke. "They can come here and make friends and live happily ever after. Let's go back with the good news."

  "Let us investigate the other planet," Incuba said quietly. "And as many more as we have to determine if humans exist here as well."

  Angelina gave her a cold look and I sighed.

  "Sure. That's what we must do. Look around and make sure it is all creepies. Of course it will be."

  Old big mouth. We zipped over to the second inhabited planet and looked down upon mills and mines, cities and countryside. Inhabited by the most humanlooking humans I have ever seen.

  "Maybe they are alien inside," I said, grasping at a last straw.

  "Should we cut one open and find out?" Angelina asked seriously.

  "The cutting open of other creatures, human or alien, is forbidden by the Morality Corps ...

  Incuba's words were cut off by a blast of static from the radio and shouted words in a strange language. At the same moment a number of readouts flickered and I looked at the viewscreen. And drew back.

  "We have company," I said. "Shall we leave?"

  "I wouldn't do anything in a hurry," Angelina cozened.

  For outside, very close indeed, was a very nasty black warship. Some of the guns had gaping muzzles big enough to drive our small ship into. And I'm sure that it was not by chance that they were pointing at us. I reached for the thrust controls just as I felt a number of strong tractor beams latch onto our ship.

  "I think I will flit over and talk to them," I said, rising and going to the suit locker. "Just watch the shop until I get back."

  "I'm going with you," Angelina said firmly.

  "Not this time, light of my life. And that is a command. If I don't get back try and get a report through about what we have seen."