The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You

by Harry Harrison

  With this noble exit line I exited, suited up and floated over to the dreadnought where a port obligingly opened for me. I walked in, head up, and was cheered a bit to see that the reception party were all human. Hard-eyed types in tight black uniforms.

  "Krzty picklin stimfrx!" the one with the most gold bullion snapped at me.

  "I'm sure it's a great language, but I don't speak it."

  He cocked an ear and listened--then issued a sharp order. Men ran and returned with a metal box, wires, plugs and a nasty-looking helmet. I shied away from the thing, but efficient-looking weapons were ground into my ribs and I desisted. It was clapped over my head, adjustments were made, then the officer spoke again.

  "Can you understand me now, worm of an intruder?" he asked.

  "I certainly can and there is no need for such language. We have come a long way and I don't need any insults from you."

  His lips peeled back from his teeth at that and I thought he was going to sink them into my throat. The others present gasped with shock.

  "Do you know who I am!" he shouted.

  "No, nor do I care. Because you don't know who I am. You have the pleasure of being in the presence of the first ambassador from a parallel universe. So you might say hello."

  "He is telling the truth," a technician said, watching his flickering needles.

  "Well, that's different," the officer said. Calming instantly. "You wouldn't be expected to know the quarantine restrictions. My name is Kangg. Come have a drink and tell me what you are doing here."

  The booze was not bad and they were all fascinated by my story. Before I had finished they sent for the ladies and we all clinked glasses.

  "Well, good luck on your quest," Kangg said, raising his glass. "I don't envy you your job. But as you can see we have our alien problem licked and the last thing we need is an invasion. Our war ended about a thousand years ago and was a close-run thing. We blew up all the alien spaceships and made sure the creepos stay now on planets of their own. They are ready to go for our throats again at any time, so we keep an eye on them with patrols like mine."

  "We shall return home and I shall report it would be immoral to send the fleet here," Incuba said.

  "We can lend you a few battleships," Kangg offered. "But we are really spread kind of thin."

  "I'll report your offer, and thanks," I said. "But I'm afraid we need a more drastic solution. Now we have to get back because we will need an answer soon, or else.

  "Hope you lick them. Those greenies, can be very mean."

  It was with utmost gloom that we returned to our ship and set course for the beacon. The parallel-world booze must have been working in my brain, or desperation goosing it into top gear, because suddenly I had a most interesting thought.

  "I have it!" I shouted with uncontrolled joy. "The answer to our problems at last." We popped through the screen and I made a mad landing at the nearest airlock. "Come with me and hear what it is!"

  I ran, with the girls right behind me, bursting into the meeting room just as the staff chiefs were gathering in answer to my emergency call.

  "Then we can send them the aliens?" Inskipp asked.

  "No way. They have alien problems of their own."

  "Then what do we do?" a senile admiral moaned. "Six parallel galaxies and all of them with human beings. Where do we send the aliens?"

  "To none of them," I said. "We send them somewhere else instead. I checked with Coypu and he says it is possible and he is muttering over the equations now."

  "Where? Tell us!" Inskipp ordered.

  "Why, we use time travel. We send them through time."

  "Into the past?" He was puzzled.

  "No, that wouldn't work. They would just be hanging around waiting for the human race to develop so they could wipe us out. So the past is no good. We send them into the future."

  "You're mad, diGriz. What does that accomplish?"

  "Look, we send them a hundred years into the future. And while they are en route we have all the best scientific minds of the galaxy working on ways to knock them off. We have a hundred years to do it in. We develop something and, a hundred years from now, our people are waiting for them when they appear and they take care of the menace once and for all."

  "Wonderful!" Angelina said. "My husband is a genius. Set up the machine and send them into the future."

  "IT IS FORBIDDEN," a deep voice said from above.

  TWENTY

  The shocked silence that followed this unexpected announcement continued for a heartbeat or two, then was interrupted drastically when Inskipp whipped out his gun and began shooting holes in the ceiling.

  "Secret meeting! Top security! Why don't we go on TV with this session--it would be more private!"

  He foamed as he spoke and shrugged off the aged admirals who tried to stop him. I vaulted the table and disarmed him, numbing him a bit in the process so he dropped, glassy-eyed, into his chair where he muttered to himself.

  "Who said that?" I called out.

  "I did," a man said, appearing suddenly in midair, accompanied by a sharp popping sound. He dropped the short distance to the table, then jumped neatly to the floor.

  "It beith I who spake, noble sirs. I hite Ga Binetto."

  He was something interesting to look at, dressed in baggy velvet clothes with high boots, a big hat with a curly feather, curly mustachios too which he twirled with his free hand. The other hand rested on the pommel of his sword. Since Inskipp was still muttering I would have to talk to him.

  "We don't care how tall you are--what's your name?"

  "Name? Namen--verily. I am named Ga Binetto."

  "What gives you the right to come barging into a secret meeting like this?"

  "Forsooth, there be no secrets hidden from ye Temporal Constabulary."

  "The Time Police?" This was something new. "Time travelers from the past?" This was beginning to confuse even me.

  "Ods bodkins, varlet, nay! Why thinkest thou that?"

  "I thinkest that because that outfit and language haven't been around for maybe thirty-two thousand years."

  He flashed me a dirty look and made some quick adjustments on some knobs on the pommel of his sword.

  "Don't be so damn superior," Ga Binetto snapped. "You try hopping from time to time and learning all the disgusting languages and dialects. Then you wouldn't be so quick to. . ."

  "Can we get back to business," I broke in. "You're the Time Police, but not from the past. So--let me guess--the future maybe? Just nod your head, that's right. So that's straight. Now tell us why we can't shoot thos , e aliens through a couple of hundred years of time?"

  "Because it is forbidden."

  "You said that before. Now, how about some reasons."

  "I don't have to give you any." He leered coldly. "We could have sent an H-bomb through instead of me, so how about shutting up and listening."

  "He is correct," one of the senile admirals quavered. "Welcome to our time, illustrious time traveler. Give us your instructions, if you please."

  "That's more like it. Respect where respect is due, if you don't mind. All you are permitted to know is that it is the job of the Time Police to police time. We see to it that paradoxes do not occur, that major misuses of time travel, such as your proposed plan, do not happen. The very fabric of time and probability would be strained by the event should it occur. It is forbidden."

  There was a gloomy silence following this news, during which time I thought furiously.

  "Tell me, Ga Binetto," I said. "Are you human or an alien in disguise?"

  "I'm as human as you," he said angrily. "Maybe even more so."

  "That's good. Then if you are a human from the future the aliens never wiped out all the human beings in the galaxy as they plan. Right?"

  "Then how do we win the war?"

  "The war is won by . . ." He clamped his mouth shut and turned bright red. "That information is timeclassified and I cannot tell you. Figure it out for yourself."

  "Don't pal
m us off with that chromo-crap," Inskipp growled, deep in his throat, recovered at last. "You say stop the only plan that can save the human race. Sure I say, we'll stop it--if you tell us what else we can do. Or we go ahead as planned."

  "It is forbidden to tell."

  "Can't you at least hint?" I suggested.

  He thought about that for a moment, then smiled. I did not like the look of that smile. "The solution should be obvious to one of your intelligence, diGriz. It's all in the mind."

  He hopped into the air, clicked his heels together--and disappeared.

  "What did he mean by that?" Inskipp said, scowling with concentration.

  What did he mean? It was a clue directed at me so I should be able to solve the riddle. The first part was there to misdirect me I was sure, the bit about my intelligence. It's all in the mind. My mind? Whose mind? Was it an idea we had not thought of before? Or was he really talking about minds? I had no idea.

  Incuba was looking dreamily into space, thinking deep moral thoughts no doubt. I was beginning to think she was pretty dumb. But not Angelina. That lovely brow was furrowed with thought, for her mind was as highpowered as her body. She narrowed her eyes, concentrating--then suddenly widened them. Then smiled. When she caught me looking at her the smile broadened, and she winked. I raised my eyebrows, in an unspoken question and she nodded back, ever so slightly.

  If I were reading the signs correctly all of this nonverbal communication indicated that she had solved the riddle. Having seen recently what real male chauvinist swine were, I was beginning to abandon my claim to that role. If Angelina had the answer I would humbly and with gratitude accept it from her. I leaned closer.

  "If you know--tell us," I said. "Credit where credit is due."

  "You are maturing as the years pass, aren't you, darling!" She blew me a quick kiss, then raised her voice. "Gentlemen. The answer is obvious."

  "Well, not to me," Inskipp said.

  "It's all in the mind, that's what he said. Which can mean mind control. . ."

  "The gray men!" I shouted. "The Kekkonshiki brain kinkers!"

  "I still don't see. . ."

  "Because you can see only a physical battle, Inskipp old warrior," I said. "What that time traveling twit was hinting at was an end to the war completely."

  "How?"

  "By getting the aliens to change their minds. By having them learn to love human beings so they can turn their industrial might to war reparations and make this universe a model for all the others. And who are the master mind changers? None but the Kekkonshiki. They told me that their psychcontrol techniques work on all races. Let's put them to the test."

  And how do you think they will do that?" an admiral asked.

  "The details will be worked out later," I said, meaning I hadn't the slightest idea at this time. "Order up a battle cruiser and see that there are plenty of space marines aboard. I am off at once to arrange the salvation of the galaxy."

  "I am not sure about that," Incuba said. "There is a question of morality in mind manipulation . . ." Her words died away and she slumped to the floor.

  "Poor thing, she's fainted," Angelina said. "All the stress, you know. I'll take her to her quarters."

  Fainted indeed! I had seen my wife in action before. As she spirited the unconscious girl from the room I moved fast, taking advantage of the time she had bought me.

  "The battle cruiser! Order it to the spacelock now for I am going to board her."

  "Correct," Inskipp said. "It's on its way." He was aware of the byplay too and just as eager as I was to get the project launched while the Morality Corps observer was accidentally indisposed.

  We made a fast and silent trip. For security measures I imposed a radio blackout from repeater stations and told the psiman to accept no messages directed at us. So when the frigid world of Kekkonshiki appeared on the screens ahead I still had not been ordered back. And, after giving the subject a good deal of concentration, I knew what had to be done.

  "Break radio blackout and contact the landing party," I ordered.

  "They're on now," the operator said. "But they haven't landed. Their ship is still in orbit."

  "What's happened?"

  "Here's the commander, sir."

  An officer with a bandaged head appeared on the screen. He saluted when he saw all the gold braid I was wearing.

  "They insist on fighting," he said. "My orders were to pacify the planet, not blow it up. So when all attempts at communication failed I withdrew. After neutralizing their spacers."

  "They know they can't win."

  "You know that and I know that. Now try telling it to those madmen."

  It should have been expected. The fatalistic Kekkonshiki would much prefer to die than surrender. In fact surrender was probably a word that they did not know, a concept alien to their Moral Philosophy of survival. Yet we needed their help. There was only one person on the planet--hopefully still alive--who could possibly arrange that.

  "Stay in orbit, Commander, and await instructions. This ship will join you after I have made contact on the planet. You'll hear from me when it is time to land."

  Within an hour I had issued all the orders, gathered what equipment I would need, and was floating down in a spacesuit toward the white planet below. The gravchute slowed my drop and the infrared scope let me see clearly through the driving snow. I steered for a familiar building and dropped, not too lightly, onto a roof where I had been before. It was all very cold and very depressing because I had hoped I had seen the last of this particular world.

  I suppose I could have landed on the ground and gone in through the front door, taken a squad of marines too to help me shoot up any opposition. But that was not what I wanted. A quiet contact with Hanasu first, before anyone knew I was back. The fact that it was well after dark had convinced me that retracing my old route might be the best way. I pried open the trapdoor and, after much wriggling and puffing, managed to get myself and the spacesuit through the opening and into the building. First step accomplished. Then I took off the cumbersome garment, unlocked the door for what I hoped was the last time, and walked silently down the corridor.

  "You are the enemy, you must be killed," a small boy said in a toneless voice as he hurled himself at me. I stepped aside so he stumbled and fell, leaving me the perfect target. The needle from my gun easily penetrated the seat of his trousers and he sighed and relaxed. I tucked him under my arm and went on as quietly as I could.

  By the time I pushed open Hanasu's office door I was carrying four of them altogether and beginning to stagger. He looked up from behind the desk and, if he were capable of smiling, this is the time when he would have.

  "It all worked as you planned," he said. "The message was received. You escaped."

  "I did, and now I'm back. With some small friends who are not happy to see me."

  "They listen to the radio broadcasts from Kome and they do not know what to believe. They are disturbed."

  "Well, these ones are quiet enough now. Let me make them comfortable on your floor."

  "I will use the axion feed. They will remember nothing."

  "Not this time. They'll sleep long enough not to bother us. Now tell me--what has happened since I left."

  "Confusion. It is written nowhere in our Moral Philosophy what to do at this sort of time. Therefore when Kome issued his orders to fight or die he was obeyed. Everyone can understand that. There was no way I could combat him by myself, so I have done nothing. I have waited."

  "Very wise. But now that I am here there is something very important that you can do."

  "What is that?"

  "Convince your people here that they must take up alien disguise again and go back and control the aliens."

  "I do not understand. You wish them to encourage the war again?"

  "No. Quite the opposite. I want them to stop it."

  "You must explain. This is beyond me."

  "Let me ask you a question first. Could the synaptic generators be used on the
aliens? To convince them that human beings are really very nice after all. We do have damp eyeballs and sweat a lot. Fingers aren't too different from tentacles when you think about it. Could this be done?"

  "Very easily. You must understand that the aliens come from primitive cultures and are easily led. When we began infiltrating them to organize the invasion we were faced with indifference at first. To overcome this the leaders were treated and taught to hate humans.

  Then, through propaganda, they convinced the rest of the populations. It took a long time, but that is the way it was done."

  "Can the indoctrination process be reversed?"

  "I would think so. But how can you convince my people to do a thing like this?"

  "That is the big question I was coming to." I stood and paced the room, marshaling my thoughts, stepping over the snoring bodies of the boys. "What is to be done must be done through the teachings of Moral Philosophy as you practice it here. I was wrong, angry, when I told you that this culture must be destroyed. It should not be. It is a vital one, an important one that contains elements that should benefit all of mankind. It was just misapplied when it left the surface of this planet. Is there anything inherent in Moral Philosophy, MP, that says you must be galaxy conquerors?"

  "No. We learned to hate those who abandoned us on this world because we must always believe that they will never come back to save us. We must save ourselves. Survival is the beginning and the end. Anything that goes against that is wrong."

  "Then Kome and his talk of racial suicide is wrong!"

  For a Kekkonshiki, Hanasu looked almost startled. "Of course! His preachings go against the law. All must be told."

  "They will be. But that is point one. Now think about the laws of MP again. You survive. You are superior to the rest of mankind. You hate the ones who abandoned you long ago. But the people alive today don't even know about that abandonment, nor are they responsible for it. Therefore it is not necessary to hate them. Better than that, since the Kekkonshiki are superior to all other people, you are morally responsible to help them survive if they are threatened. How does that fit the MP rules?"