Just Making Out

by Mark Roeder

“I really lucked out getting a big brother like Shawn. Tom’s a loser, but Shawn is so cool. Sometimes, I wonder about what my life would be like without Shawn.”

  “Don’t worry about that. You do have Shawn. He’s a hero in my book, not only for saving my life but for everything he does for you and for the way he stepped aside when he noticed how you and I felt about each other.”

  “Are you ever sorry you didn’t just stick with Shawn?” Tim asked.

  “No. I love your brother, but I don’t think we could have ever been boyfriends. There was too much of a past between us for us to feel romantic about each other, you know? Shawn and I would probably have never been more than friends with benefits. We’re still friends, so all I’m missing out on is the benefits, and I have all the benefits I can handle with you.”

  Tim laughed.

  “You know we’d better not let Shawn hear us talk about him like this. He’ll expect us to carve a statue of him or something,” I said.

  “Yeah, his ego is big enough. He’s been walking on air since he landed Tristan. I never thought he’d go for a guy like Tristan. They’re such an odd couple. Tristan is extremely good-looking, but he’s an artist and such a bookworm. Shawn is a typical jock. Maybe opposites do attract.”

  “Look at us. You’re a jock, and I’m definitely not. My idea of playing football is tossing a ball back and forth. You get out on the field and knock guys on their ass.”

  “And get knocked on my ass,” Tim added.

  “Yeah, seeing one of those big linebackers coming for me would scare the crap out of me.”

  “I just think it’s fun.”

  “See, we’re different in a lot of ways, but don’t you think that makes things interesting? I like those differences. I don’t want to date myself.”

  “Yeah, I see what you mean. I guess it’s the same with Shawn and Tristan.”

  I tore into my cheeseburger.

  “Are you eating for two, Dane?” Tim asked.

  “No, but if you want to try to get me pregnant, I’m up for it.”

  “I’ll take you up on that,” Tim said.

  Tim began eating his hot dog in a suggestive manner. He looked as if he was practicing giving head. I laughed. I was becoming aroused, too, until he took a big bite.

  “Oww,” I said.

  “I only bite hot dogs,” Tim said.

  Tim finished his hot dog and fries long before I finished my meal. We sat and talked and joked around. Tim was a boyfriend and a best friend combined.

  I was finishing off my milkshake when my breath caught in my throat. There, only a few paces away, was Jacob.

  “He’s here,” I said.

  “I know Shawn’s here. He took our order, remember?” Tim teased.

  “Not Shawn. Him,” I said, pointing.

  Tim turned around for a look then turned back to me.

  “Who? Where?”

  “Right by the jukebox.”

  Tim took another look.

  “There is no one by the jukebox.”

  “He’s standing right there!”

  “Dane, calm down. Who’s standing there?”

  “Can’t you see him?”

  “See who?”

  It was obvious that only I could see Jacob.

  “Jacob,” I said.

  “The ghost?”

  “Yes! Why can’t you see him?”

  “I don’t know anything about ghosts,” Tim said.

  “You probably think I’m nuts, don’t you?”

  “I think no such thing.”

  I smiled.

  “Thanks, Tim.”

  “Does he look…dead?”

  “No. He looks alive. If you could see him, you’d think he was just another guy.”

  Jacob looked so sexy leaning up against the jukebox. He grinned at me, and some ‘50s song began playing. I didn’t know the title, but some guy was singing, “oh, my darling, my love,” or something like that. It was freaky.

  “How did he do that?”

  “Do what?” Tim asked, gazing at the jukebox, straining to see.

  “The music.”

  “What music?”

  “Can’t you hear it?”

  “No.”

  “I think I’m going crazy, Tim.”

  I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to scream.

  “You’re okay,” Tim said, gazing at me with a worried expression.

  I was on the verge of panic, but I also felt drawn to Jacob. What was I thinking? The last time I’d encountered Jacob, he’d backed me up against the lockers and molested me. Tim had gone so far as to call it rape. I wanted nothing to do with Jacob. Even if he wasn’t dead—a major turnoff, by the way—he was dangerous.

  Jacob stepped closer.

  “Shit, he’s coming this way.”

  Tim stood and faced in the general direction of Jacob. I stood up, too. Jacob looked me up and down and smiled.

  “Hot,” he said.

  “Leave me alone.”

  “That’s not what you want. I know what you really want.”

  “Where is he?” Tim asked. “Tell me so I can stay between you.”

  “Three feet to your right, about four feet in front of you.”

  Tim moved, trying to block Jacob.

  “Not bad,” Jacob said, looking my boyfriend up and down. “I might want some of that.”

  “Leave him alone!” I said.

  “Are you talking to me?” Tim asked.

  “No, to Jacob.”

  “Don’t worry. You’re the one I want. I’m going to make you mine,” Jacob said.

  I shook my head. Jacob looked at Tim again.

  “I’m much hotter than your boyfriend. I can make you feel things he can’t.”

  “Just leave me alone. I’m not interested in you.”

  “Where is he?” Tim asked.

  “He’s…never mind.”

  “Liar. You know you want me. The sooner you admit it, the easier this will be for all of us.”

  What I hated most was that a part of me did want him, and I didn’t understand why. Jacob faded before my eyes.

  “He’s gone,” I said.

  “Are you okay?” Tim asked.

  “I think so.”

  It was a lie, and little did I know it would be the first of many. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay at all.

  Shawn

  Whoa. So Alexander the Great did have a thing for guys. He was, at the very least, bisexual and most likely gay. Alexander and Hephaestion were friends since boyhood and were way more than friends. The historian who wrote the biography I was reading came right out and said they were lovers. Alexander nearly went insane when Hephaestion died. I thought of Mark and Taylor for a moment. Mark had gone insane when Taylor killed himself. He was so overcome with grief he totally lost it. That must have been what it was like for Alexander, only he didn’t kill himself. Alexander had at least one other lover, a Persian boy named Bagoas. Man, that would be a big scandal if it happened now, but it wasn’t a big thing back then. The Greeks even believed that man/boy relationships were more important that man/woman relationships. Wouldn’t the religious fundamentalists go nuts if they were suddenly transported back to Ancient Greece? I smiled to think about it.

  I put my book away. Break time was over. I liked working at Ofarim’s, but it was restful to lose myself in a book for a few minutes. Yeah, this is me, Shawn, talking. I know I sound more like Tristan, but he was right about books, at least about this particular book. Before, I’d always spent my breaks taking a short walk in the park or thumbing through a football magazine. Reading just a few pages of a good book allowed my mind to go to a whole different place. Not only that, I could bring that place with me when I returned to work.

  At first, I really didn’t know if I’d get into the whole reading thing. I was interested in the book Tristan helped me pick out, but being interested in it and actually reading it were two different things. I was relieved I was into it. I didn’t want to have to disappoint Tristan by
telling him I wasn’t, and I couldn’t lie to him. Well, I could, but I didn’t want to, and he’d find me out, anyway. If he began talking about Alexander, it would become obvious fast if I hadn’t read the book. There were no worries there. I liked it well enough. I actually looked forward to reading it. Why hadn’t any of my English teachers assigned something cool to read instead of the boring stuff they handed out?

  I cleaned tables and took orders while thinking about Alexander and Hephaestion. It was cool that the most powerful guy in the ancient world was gay. I wondered what Brandon and Jon would have to say about that? I grinned, but I didn’t think I’d bring it up. If I started talking Ancient Greece, they’d want to know why. Then, I’d have to tell them I was reading a book, and they would let me have it. It was best not to give those guys ammunition.

  Business picked up, and I was kept hopping most of the rest of the night. I liked it that way. Not only did I get more tips, time passed a good deal faster. Right before closing, the bells on the door jingled and Blake walked in. He was wearing his letterman’s jacket over a white tank top. My eyes involuntarily fell to his crotch. His tight jeans left little to the imagination. I quickly took my eyes off his package, but it was too late. Blake gave me a knowing smirk.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “I’m getting ready to close up. It’s been a busy night.”

  “Maybe you should stay a little late.”

  There was no mistaking Blake’s suggestive tone.

  “I have a boyfriend, Blake.”

  “He doesn’t have to know.”

  “I couldn’t do that to him.”

  “But you want it.”

  “No. I don’t.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I bet you’re getting hard right now, aren’t you?”

  I didn’t answer. I was getting hard. I couldn’t help it. Memories of getting it on with Blake filled my mind before I could prevent them.

  “That’s what I thought. You do want it. You want me to shove you over the counter and make you moan my name.”

  “No. I mean, yes, maybe I do want it, but I don’t want it. I love Tristan.”

  “I bet he can’t make you feel the way I do. Has he ever held you down and pounded you?”

  “We’ve, uh, never had sex.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Not even a blowjob?”

  “No.”

  “Fuck, you must be going nuts. You need it worse than I do.”

  “I’m not having sex with you, Blake.”

  “What your boyfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt him, Shawn. He doesn’t have to know.”

  “I’ll know.”

  “So?”

  “Blake, if I wasn’t dating Tristan, I’d be ripping your shirt off right now, but I am dating him. I love him.”

  “You aren’t even getting any from him!”

  “There’s more to it than sex, Blake.”

  “Oh, come on! With guys it’s always about sex. If you aren’t getting any, it’s time to move on.”

  “No.”

  “Then, at least take care of your needs while you’ve got the chance. Keep dating him if you want. Date him and have sex with me.”

  “No.”

  Blake looked disgusted. He shook his head.

  “You’ll come around. I know how bad you want this,” he said, groping his bulge. “I’ll see you later, Shawn. Call me when you change your mind.”

  Blake left without another word.

  I locked the door behind him and flipped the sign to “Closed.” I finished cleaning up, trying to force Blake from my mind. I focused on each small task as if the world would blow up if I didn’t do it properly. It was one of those times when I wished I could just shut off my mind and stop thinking.

  I turned off the lights, let myself out, and locked the front door. I don’t even remember the trip home. I just remember walking up the stairs and opening the door to find Tim studying at the kitchen table.

  “Have a good night, bro?” Tim asked.

  I looked at him and almost cried.

  “Shawn, what’s wrong?”

  “Blake came to Ofarim’s right before I closed up.”

  “And?”

  “I feel so guilty,” I said. I had to fight the tears back, which was especially hard for me because I almost never cried.

  “Shawn, you didn’t!”

  My lower lip trembled, and I bit it.

  “You had sex with Blake?”

  “No.”

  “No? Then why do you feel guilty?”

  “Blake came on to me. I wanted him soooo bad.”

  “But you didn’t have sex with him. Did you touch him?”

  “No.”

  “Did you let him touch you?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t get it, then.”

  “I love Tristan!”

  “Well, duh, but what did you do that’s so bad? Why do you feel guilty? Just tell me exactly what happened.”

  “Blake came in. He wanted to do what we’d done before after closing.”

  “Which is?”

  “None of your business. He wanted to have sex. That’s as much detail as you’re getting.”

  “Okay, so then what?”

  “I was behind the counter. Blake couldn’t see, but I…”

  “Was hard and throbbing?”

  “Thank you for trying to turn this into pornography.”

  “Yeah, yeah, but I’m right, aren’t I?”

  “Yes. I was so…worked up it was all I could do to keep myself from jumping on him and ripping off his shirt. Blake could even tell how bad I wanted him.”

  “Blake is an aggressive guy. I bet he pushed you.”

  “He tried to talk me into it.”

  “But nothing happened?”

  “No.”

  “I feel like smacking you upside the head. You had me worried. I thought you’d gone and fucked up everything by cheating on Tristan, but you didn’t do anything.”

  “I just told you what happened! I wanted to do it with Blake. I wanted him so bad I thought I was going to have an accident in my pants.”

  Tim actually looked as though he was going to laugh for a moment, probably over the accident-in-my-pants part.

  “Let me spell it out for you, Shawn. Cheating is having sex with someone other than Tristan. Not cheating is not having sex with someone other than Tristan. You didn’t have sex with Blake. You didn’t touch him. You didn’t let him touch you. There was no physical contact. I fail to see the problem.”

  “But I wanted him.”

  “Let me say this slowly: Big—Fucking—Deal! So you wanted him, that’s nothing! Listen, I love Dane, but sometimes I see a hot guy and I get so hard I’m afraid my zipper is going to burst from the strain. Sometimes I feel like jumping on a guy and ripping his clothes off. That’s just nature. It’s a natural physical reaction. I’m sure Dane gets hot for other guys, too. In fact, I know he does. Before you started dating Tristan, we even discussed…well, never mind.”

  “What?”

  “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

  “Just tell me.”

  “Okay, you asked for it. Dane and I talked about having a three-way with you. We figured we could seduce you into it.”

  “Tim, that is way too much information.”

  “I told you that you didn’t want it hear it, but you insisted! The point is I get hot for other guys, and so does Dane. That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. I’d never cheat on Dane, and I know he wouldn’t cheat on me.”

  “Maybe I am making too big of a deal out of this.”

  “Duh! Listen, I know you love Tristan, but you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you just passed a test. Blake was right there. He wanted it. You wanted it. But, you didn’t do it. You could have cheated on Tristan, and he never would have known. No one would have known except for Blake and you. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You should feel proud of yourself.”

  “I think saying I should feel proud of myself
is going way too far.”

  “Either way, you did nothing wrong. That’s the point I’m trying to make, and if you don’t get it soon, I am going to beat it in.”

  “Do you think I should tell, Tristan?”

  “No.”

  “But I want to be honest with him.”

  “There’s honesty, and there’s too much information. He already knows you get turned on by other guys. He gets turned on by other guys. He has to; it’s as simple as that. He knows you had sex with Blake before you started dating him. Therefore, he knows you find Blake attractive. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I know Dane gets hot for other guys, but I don’t want to hear about it. Seriously, Shawn, get a grip. This whole, I-did-something-wrong thing is in your head. Hell, even I know that no matter how bad you want Blake, the only way he’s going to get you is if he ties you up and forces you.”

  “Now I feel like an idiot.”

  “Go with that feeling. You are an idiot, but I love you anyway.”

  “Thanks, Tim.”

  “For calling you an idiot? Anytime!”

  “No, for talking me through this and pointing out I’m an idiot.”

  “Well, you’re usually pretty smart, but don’t ask me to repeat it, because I won’t.”

  I laughed.

  “Okay, unless you have another imaginary crisis, I need to get back to my homework.”

  “No, that’s it for now. Thanks.”

  “Then get the hell out of here.”

  “Night, Tim.”

  “Night, dumb ass.”

  I was worn out, physically and emotionally. I showered to get rid of the smell of cooking grease and then brushed my teeth. I still felt a little bit guilty, especially since I was still horny as hell, but Tim was right. I had worked myself up over basically nothing. If I’d groped Blake or even allowed him to grope me, I would have done something wrong, but neither had happened. Wanting it and doing it were two different things. No one was locked up for wanting to rob a bank or wanting to vandalize a house. As long as I didn’t do anything sexual with Blake, it didn’t matter whether I wanted him or not.

  I climbed into bed. I needed to stroke really badly, but I didn’t. I was afraid I might picture Blake if I did. I masturbated a lot since Tristan and I weren’t doing it, but I always thought of him when I was getting myself off. I didn’t want to risk cheating on Tristan even in my own mind. I loved him so much!