Just Making Out

by Mark Roeder

  “You’re so kind and innocent,” Jacob said, running his finger along my jawline.

  “I don’t know about that, but I have to talk to Tim. I have to tell him that you and I are going to be together. The sooner I do it, the better off we’ll all be.”

  “Yes, but don’t tell him just yet. Let me handle Tim for now.”

  “Handle him?”

  “He may be angry because you’re walking with me. I want to make sure he doesn’t hurt you.”

  “Tim would never hurt me.”

  “Very well. I’m sure you know best.”

  “I’ll go talk with him right now,” I said.

  “No. You look tired. You need to rest. Get some sleep, have something to eat, and I’ll come to you later. Soon, with your help, I’ll be alive once again.”

  I grinned.

  “I can’t wait,” I said.

  Jacob walked me to my doorstep. I didn’t let him kiss me, for I feared Tim might still be following us. I’d been far too careless and uncaring recently. I’d thought only of my own pleasure. It was as if the old Dane was coming back. I was going to set that right as soon as possible. I’d tell Tim the truth, that I loved him, but I wanted to be with Jacob. Perhaps, we could even still be friends.

  I smiled at Jacob and walked inside. I was hungry again but too tired to eat. I was practically asleep on my feet. I definitely needed a nap.

  Shawn

  I smiled across the table at Tristan. We were sharing a late supper of Chicken Scallopini at The Park’s Edge. I’d never tried it before, but Tristan convinced me to, and I was glad. It was made with chicken breast, onion, roma tomatoes, bacon, mushrooms, white wine, butter, oregano, and spinach fettuccine.

  “You’re smiling again,” Tristan said.

  “What can I say? I like being with you.”

  “I like being with you, too.”

  “Are you sorry you made me wait?” I asked. “Are you sorry we didn’t start dating sooner?”

  “No. I had to be sure of you first. I had to make sure I wasn’t falling for the wrong guy again.”

  “Falling for me? You were falling for me when I first asked you out? You never told me that!”

  “I needed time, and you didn’t need any encouragement.”

  I laughed.

  “That’s true. I hope I wasn’t too pushy. I tried to take it slow like you wanted.”

  “You were a little pushy, but in a good way. I could tell you were making a real effort to keep things casual, and that told me you were truly interested in me and not just in having sex with me.”

  I was on the verge of saying, “I’d do anything to be with you,” but that sounded way too melodramatic and like something out of a bad romance novel. Instead, I smiled again.

  “So, what do you think now?” I asked.

  “I think I’m safe. Well, as safe as anyone can be. You’re not like that boy back in Tulsa.”

  “I told you I wasn’t.”

  “I know, but I had to make sure. That’s why I wanted to be friends first. I needed to be sure.”

  “And now you are?”

  “We wouldn’t be sitting here if I wasn’t.”

  ‘You’re worth the wait.”

  Tristan smiled.

  “We are so lucky Brandon and Jon can’t hear all this,” he said.

  “I don’t know. They’d probably just say something like ‘too easy’ and let it go.”

  “Brandon and Jon really are incredible. There aren’t that many hetero guys who would sit at the homo table. You know they have to take crap because of it.”

  “Yeah, and some people probably think they’re gay, too.”

  “Exactly. That’s why I admire them so much. It takes courage to be out, but they put themselves on the line when they don’t have to. It’s important to be out, so people can see what we’re really like instead of letting their imaginations run wild. I think guys like Brandon and Jon are doing something even more important. They openly accept us, even though they aren’t like us.”

  “We’d better not let them hear us talking about them like this or there will be no living with them at all.”

  Tristan grinned.

  “I feel almost guilty being this happy,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Tim and Dane are having some problems. Tim hides it from everyone else, but he told me he thinks Dane is losing interest in him. It will tear him apart if they don’t work out. He’s already upset.”

  “Well, you know, Shawn, they probably won’t work out. Dane is Tim’s first boyfriend. Tim is Dane’s first real boyfriend, too, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s very unlikely they’ll stay together. There are so many changes coming up in their lives: graduation, college…”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because those same changes are coming up in our lives, and I don’t want to think about them.”

  “You don’t have to think about them, but things will change. There’s no guarantee you and I will go to the same university. There are no guarantees in life, period.”

  “Are you saying you don’t think we have a future?”

  That thought upset me more than I can express.

  “No. I’m not saying that. We may stick together through all the changes in our lives. Shawn, I love you. I’ve liked you since the day we met, and somewhere along the way I began to love you. I want us to make it. I want us to always be together. What’s important is right now. This time will never come again. Even if we grow old together, now will always be the most important time. I don’t want to mess up the present by worrying about the future. We can plan for it, certainly, but I don’t want to ruin the present by thinking about all the bad things that can happen. We could both walk out of here and be killed crossing the street. A million other things could happen, and some of them will. Knowing that should make us appreciate what we have, right here, right now. I don’t want to let it take away from what we’ve got.”

  I smiled.

  “I wish I was as smart as you about such things. You’re right. I know. I just get worried when I think about certain things. I guess I’m just afraid of losing you.”

  “You are in no danger of that now, so just be happy.”

  “I’ll do my best. I’ve been doing a pretty good job, even with worrying. I like what you said about this time never coming again. If we are both killed when we step out that door, it’s okay really, because we’ve had this. I’d rather us not be killed, of course, but you know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I know,” said Tristan, with yet another grin.

  My own grin faded. Tristan reached across the table and grasped my hand.

  “Tim will be okay, Shawn.”

  “I just don’t like seeing him in pain, and I know the situation may get much worse. If Tim and Dane break up…”

  “You’ll be there to help Tim through it—and Dane, too, no doubt.”

  “I feel a little more like a parent every day.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “No, but it hurts. I know Tim is in pain now, and I know that pain may get much worse. It’s as if…I feel the pain for him.”

  “You sound like a parent, at least like mine. I remember my dad telling me he wished he could be sick for me. I think I can understand what he meant.”

  “I do understand.”

  “Things may work out yet between Tim and Dane. Like I said, it’s unlikely they’ll be together forever, but that doesn’t mean they won’t have the rest of their high-school years together. When they move on, the situation may be much less painful for Tim than you imagine.”

  “I guess we’re getting back into the don’t-worry-about-all-the-bad-things-that-could-happen discussion.”

  “Exactly. Besides, even if you knew things were going to end badly between Tim and Dane, thinking and worrying about it in advance only increases your pain. It won’t help them.”

  “I guess you’re right. I
just have a bad feeling about their relationship. Tim says Dane has become distant.”

  “He’s become distant with everyone,” Tristan said.

  “Yes, he’s…well, I don’t like to say it, but he seems more like the old Dane.”

  “He was a pretty nasty piece of work at one time, wasn’t he?” Tristan said. It wasn’t a question. I’d told him about my first encounters with Dane.

  “Dane didn’t care about anyone but himself when he first came to Verona. I know his life was hard then, but all he cared about was getting what he wanted. I don’t sense the same belligerence in him I did then, but he doesn’t seem to care about any of us now. He doesn’t even seem to care that much about Tim. For a while there, Dane had eyes only for Tim, but now…”

  “Dane seems rather interested in Jacob, doesn’t he?” Tristan said.

  “Yeah. I don’t know what to make of that. It’s as if…it’s as if Dane is kind of intimidated by Jacob, maybe even a little afraid of him, but…the way he looks at him…it’s no wonder Tim is upset. That look in Dane’s eyes…”

  “Pure lust,” Tristan said.

  “Exactly. Poor Tim.”

  I looked up. Tristan was gazing at me with compassion.

  “I’m sorry. I’m ruining our evening by obsessing over Tim.”

  “It just shows how much you care about him, which is one of the things I like about you. Besides, our evening isn’t ruined. I do think you need to get your mind on other things. You know you’ll be there when Tim needs you. Other than that, there’s not much you can do.”

  “You’re right. Maybe you can help me get my mind off Tim later by making out with me on the couch.”

  “Oh, the sacrifices I make for you,” Tristan said, grinning.

  I let out a long breath and forced myself to relax. The Park’s Edge was beautiful, the pasta was delicious, and Tristan…he was my dream boy. I had problems, but didn’t everyone always have problems?

  “I’m very happy right now,” I said.

  “Now is the time that matters most.”

  Tristan and I ate and talked and laughed. When we finished, we paid the check and departed. We walked in moonlight and starlight holding hands. I wished I could save moments like this to experience again and again. Neither of us spoke a single word, but our clasped hands and the feelings we shared expressed more than could ever be put into words.

  Tim wasn’t home. Tristan and I kicked off our shoes and sat on the couch. I pulled Tristan close and pressed my lips to his. Our mouths parted and our tongues entwined. I focused entirely on Tristan: kissing him, holding him close, feeling his heart beat against my chest. I pulled his shirt free and slid my hands up his bare chest. His skin was so smooth, his body so firm. I wanted to rip his shirt away, but I controlled myself and kissed him ever more passionately.

  Tristan’s hands weren’t idle. The feel of his hands sliding over my pecs and abs was so sensual. I had yet to be naked with Tristan, yet the feelings he inspired within me were more intense than anything I’d ever experienced with Blake. My heart pounded; my breath came heavy and fast. I ran my hand over Tristan’s flat stomach and lower still. We kissed each other with fevered passion. I wanted us to rip each other’s clothes off and take each other right there on the couch, but at the same time, I wanted to keep going just as we were. I couldn’t imagine anything more pleasurable or intense.

  Just when I was worked up to the point that pleasure nearly became pain, I heard Tim’s footsteps on the stairs. Seconds later, he entered. Tristan and I reluctantly stopped kissing and groping each other but remained sitting close.

  “Am I interrupting something?” Tim asked with a smirk.

  “Yes, but we’ll forgive you…this time,” I said.

  I didn’t ask about Dane. Tim knew I was there if he needed or wanted to talk. For that matter, Tristan was there for him, too. I wanted to give Tim his space.

  Tim did look a little down. I looked at Tristan.

  “Hey, why don’t we play cards or Monopoly or something?” Tristan suggested, no doubt to draw my brother in and help pull him out of his mood.

  “Not Monopoly,” Tim said. “You two will gang up on me.”

  “Us?” I said with feigned innocence.

  “Yes, I know you too well.”

  “Okay, cards then,” I said. “Hmm, how about Bullshit?”

  “Yeah!” Tim said.

  “Is that a card game?” Tristan asked.

  “You haven’t heard of Bullshit?” Tim asked.

  “Not as a card game.”

  “It’s pretty simple,” said Tim. “The first player lays all the matching cards he has face down on a pile, starting with twos, and he tells how many he’s putting down. If no one says ‘bullshit’, the next player lays down his threes on the pile. If no one says “bullshit”, the next player players his fours and so on.”

  “And if someone says ‘bullshit’?” Tristan asked.

  “Then the player turns the cards he put down face up to prove he really played what he said. If he was bullshitting, he has to pick up the entire pile of cards. The object is to get rid of all your cards, and sometimes you have to bullshit about what you’re putting down, hence the name of the game.”

  “What if someone calls ‘bullshit’ and the other player really did put down all the cards he said he did?”

  “Then that player has to pick up the entire pile.”

  Tristan laughed.

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “Yeah, but I think we need popcorn,” Tim said. “I’ll make some before we start.”

  While Tim was busy making popcorn, I poured sodas over ice. I was sorry my make-out session with Tristan had to end, but cards did sound like fun. There was more to life than sex, and a game of cards would help Tim get his mind off Dane.

  We stayed up late playing Bullshit and eating popcorn. Tristan had an amazing ability to bullshit. He’d make a killer poker player, I’m sure. I never could tell when he was bluffing. I thought I had him a couple of times, but I ended up with a fist full of cards. Tim was worse. He had to pick up the entire pile six times when he read Tristan wrong. Tristan won all the games except one, and that one went to Tim. That made me the biggest loser, but I didn’t care. I had a blast! I wondered what the game would have been like if Brandon and Jon had been there.

  I walked Tristan home after our game. It was a little chilly out but not bad at all. Spring had a firm hold now—finally. Tristan and I walked close together. I put my arm around his shoulder. I loved the closeness with Tristan, the intimacy. I was in desperate need of sex, but even that painful need was tinged with pleasure. Maybe I was some kind of masochist. I don’t know. More likely, I was just enjoying what the present had to offer.

  Tristan and I kissed on his doorstep. Our lingering kiss flamed the fires of my passion. I had to fight to keep myself from giving Tristan a grope. I feared his mom might be watching through the curtains. It was an irrational fear, but I was more than content to feel his warm body pressed against mine as we kissed.

  Tristan went inside, and I walked back home. I wished once more I could save this moment to experience over and over again.

  ***

  Dane was extra weird during lunch. I seriously thought he was going to jump on Jacob and hump him. Tim was visibly upset and actually got up and left the table. I thought about going after him, but I figured he needed his space. Dane either didn’t notice or didn’t care when Tim left. I’m not sure he knew any of the rest of us were there. For all he knew, he was sitting alone with Jacob.

  Jacob, for his part, spared Dane a rare lustful glance but seemed more interested in joking around with Brandon and Jon and getting all buddy-buddy with everyone else. I have to admit he possessed a good deal of charisma. He could even have charmed me if his presence wasn’t so upsetting to my brother. While Dane was insensitive and borderline cruel in this actions, Jacob had done nothing wrong. He didn’t overly encourage Dane. I didn’t even know if he was aware Dane and Tim were a c
ouple.

  The longer I sat there, the angrier I became. Dane sat there completely unconcerned that my brother, his boyfriend, was likely off somewhere crying. Well, Tim probably wasn’t crying. He was like me; he didn’t cry easily. Still, he was hurting because his boyfriend was drooling over another boy and acting as though he didn’t give a damn about him. Dane was reverting to his old ways.

  I’d had enough. I stood up. I began to reach across the table to grab Dane, but Tristan’s hand closed over my forearm. He shook his head. I let him lead me away. Neither of us said a word as we dumped our trays and made our way out of the cafeteria. I was too angry to speak. I knew I had to get myself under control or I’d be shouting, and the last thing I wanted to do was shout at my boyfriend.

  “Just take a few deep breaths,” Tristan said. His voice was soothing and calm. I did as he said. “You looked ready to kill Dane back there.”

  “I was going to jerk him out of his seat and have a talk with him, but you’re probably right. I think I would have ended up pounding him.”

  “Casey was trying to warn you off, but you weren’t paying attention.”

  “She was?”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t believe Dane! Did you see how he was looking at Jacob—and with Tim sitting right there? When Tim left, Dane didn’t even look up. He didn’t even care!”

  “I know.”

  “Maybe I should have gone after Tim.”

  “No. You did the right thing. He’ll need you later, but I think he needs to be alone now.”

  “How can Dane treat him like that? They were so happy. How can Dane fuck everything up just because he’s hot for this new boy?”

  “I don’t know, Shawn. It doesn’t make any sense to me, either.”

  “It’s like the old Dane is back. I really thought he’d changed. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just playing us all for fools.”

  “You really think that?”