Just Making Out

by Mark Roeder

  “No, but I think he is reverting to his old ways. I don’t understand, though. I know he loves Tim…loved him anyway. How could that change so fast? How could it just go away? Poor Tim.”

  “I don’t have any answers for you.”

  “I’m gonna kick his ass.”

  “Shawn, that won’t help Tim. It will only get you into trouble.”

  “I still want to beat the crap out of Dane.”

  “Let’s look for another solution.”

  “It’s hard to maintain my fury with your calming influence,” I said.

  “That’s the idea.”

  Tristan leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back—hard. We pulled apart when someone cleared his throat.

  “Mr. Hahn, hey,” I said.

  “Hi, Shawn. Hello, Tristan.”

  Mr. Hahn smiled at us and walked on.

  “He could totally have busted us for P.D.A.” I said.

  “You jocks can get away with anything,” Tristan said, teasing me.

  “I don’t think that extends to kissing another boy in school.”

  I laughed. I was still pissed at Dane, but I felt a good deal better. Kicking his ass would have been a mistake. Part of me still wanted to do it, but Tristan was right, it wouldn’t help Tim.

  I tried to keep myself from worrying about my brother during my afternoon classes. I only saw Tim once—right before school let out. I didn’t say anything meaningful to him, but I gave him a hug. Brandon saw us hugging but didn’t make any smart comments about incest or anything like that. I could tell by his expression he was worried about Tim, too.

  I was distracted as I took orders and bused tables in Ofarim’s that evening. I usually enjoyed working, but for the first time I wished I was home instead. I wanted to be there in case Tim needed me. Then again, he’d made no effort to talk to me after school. If he wanted to talk to me, he easily could have then. I had to quit worrying about everything! How did Tristan do it? He was more compassionate than I was, yet he had the ability to keep things from getting to him. He acted when it was time to act and didn’t obsess over “what ifs.” I had a lot to learn from him.

  Tim was sitting at the table, quietly doing his homework when I came in from work.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  Tim didn’t speak. He just shook his head.

  “If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?”

  Tim nodded. I felt as though I should do or say more, but he obviously wasn’t in the mood to communicate. He knew I was there if he needed me. That’s what was important at the moment.

  I made myself a cup of tea, then sat down across from Tim and started in on homework I was too tired to do. Just sitting felt good. My feet were tired, and getting my shoes off was a pleasure.

  Tim all but ignored me, but I think he liked that I was there. We quietly worked without speaking. When the words began to blur I closed my books, kissed Tim on the forehead, and bid him goodnight.

  I brushed my teeth, then went to my bedroom, stripped, and climbed into bed. One advantage of being so very tired was that crawling into bed felt so very good. I lay there naked, with my hands behind my head, staring up at the ceiling. I was too tired to think of anything just then. I lay there, feeling my muscles relax. The sheets were soft and the mattress comfy. I slipped into complete contentedness.

  As tired as I was, I didn’t immediately fall asleep. I lay there in drowsy pleasure. Maybe in my next life I could be a cat and just lie around sleeping all day.

  Sometime later—I don’t know how much later—Tim quietly entered my room. He was wearing only his boxers, and his hair was tousled.

  “Can’t sleep?” I asked, drowsily.

  He shook his head.

  “Shawn, can I sleep with you tonight? Please? I don’t want to be alone. I just need to feel someone beside me.”

  In answer, I held open the covers. Tim snuggled in beside me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. He didn’t speak, but I could hear him softly crying. I just kept holding him as we both drifted off to sleep.

  ***

  I woke up alone the next morning. Tim had slept with me most of the night. I had awakened a few times to feel his warm body beside me. I must admit it was kind of nice to have someone in bed with me. Someday, Tristan and I would share a bed, and I could snuggle up against him every night.

  I climbed out of bed and grabbed a pair of boxers from my dresser drawer and walked towards the bathroom. Tim and I were rather casual about the way we dressed—or didn’t—in the apartment. I slept naked and saw no reason to slip on clothes just to take them off again when I reached the bathroom. Tim and I were accustomed to being around naked guys in the locker room and showers at school, so it was no big deal. Well, I did like the scenery at school, but you know what I mean. I hadn’t thought about it last night, but Tim had worn boxers to bed. Maybe it was his way of telling me he didn’t have an ulterior motive. There was a time, not so long ago, when my little brother had expressed a sexual interest in me. That had disturbed me a bit. While I found incest kind of arousing in the abstract, it was a different matter when it involved me and my brother. Tim was a hot boy, but he was my brother, and I just couldn’t think of him sexually. Well, not much anyway. I think incest is one of those things that is hot as a fantasy, but not as a reality. Anyway, once Dane entered the picture, Tim hadn’t shown the same sexual interest in me, which was a relief. I kind of wonder if his interest in me stemmed solely from the fact that Tim was just a horny little bastard. I guess it didn’t matter. Whether Tim wanted sex with me or not, it was not going to happen.

  I heard the water running as I approached the bathroom. I entered. Tim was rinsing off, so I just waited my turn. He spotted me as he finished, so he just left the water running. He nodded to me as he stepped away from the shower and reached for a towel.

  I stepped under the warm spray of water. I loved our shower. It didn’t offer privacy, but Tim and I didn’t need any. I loved the feel of the tiles under my feet. I loved the openness of the shower. The shower head was a large one, too, and I could stand directly under it. It was like standing in my own private rain shower.

  “How are you doing?” I asked Tim as I worked lilac shampoo into my hair.

  “Better, but…”

  I wanted to tell him everything would be okay, but I didn’t know if it was so.

  “Thanks for letting me sleep with you last night,” Tim said.

  “No problem; it was kind of nice.”

  Tim finished drying off and left. I rinsed out the shampoo and put in lavender conditioner. I soaped up my body and luxuriated in the hot water flowing over me. I thought of the shower as a spa. I loved the hot water and the scent and feel of the shampoo, hair conditioner, and soap. I wondered if enjoying a shower was a homo thing or if all guys liked it or if it was just me. I guess it didn’t really matter. I liked what I liked.

  After breakfast, I drove Tim to school. He wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t as upset as the night before. Tim was strong. He could handle a lot. He already had. I knew he was still hurting, but he was dealing with it. Just before we both got out of the car, I patted his leg.

  “I love you, little brother.”

  “I love you, too, Shawn.”

  Sometimes, it’s important to say things like that. Now was one of those times.

  Tim and I walked toward school together. Brendan, Casper, Ethan, and Nathan surrounded us as we neared the doors. They talked and laughed and even made Tim smile.

  I spotted Tristan at his locker and cut away from the group.

  “Hey,” I said, grinning. I grinned a lot when I was around Tristan. I’m sure Brandon and Jon would say I grinned like an idiot, but I don’t care.

  “Hey.” Tristan grinned too. His smile could just about make me melt. “How’s Tim?”

  “He had a rough night. He seems better this morning, but…”

  “Yeah. I wish there was something we could do…”

  “I don’t know what we can
do, since you won’t let me beat up Dane.”

  Tristan gave me a stern look.

  “I’m just kidding! I did want to kick his ass yesterday, but I’ve calmed down, and I know you’re right. That’s not the way to handle the situation.”

  “Come on,” Tristan said, putting his arm around my shoulder. “Let’s go to class.”

  “Homos,” Devon growled when he spotted Tristan with his arm around me.

  “Closet case,” I retorted.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Devon asked, stopping dead in his tracks.

  “You know what it means, Devon.”

  “I’m not a closet case! I’m not a sick fag…a homo like you.”

  “Get off it, Devon. No one would be so down on gays unless he was trying to hide something. You’ll be a lot better off if you just admit to yourself and everyone else you like guys. Maybe you’ll even get some.”

  Devon began to sputter with anger and exasperation. He reminded me of a tea kettle boiling over. Devon couldn’t even get a complete syllable out. Tristan and I walked on. We were twenty feet down the hallway before Devon regained enough control of himself to shout after us.

  “Fucking faggots! You guys make me sick!”

  Tristan tightened his grip on me, as if afraid I might turn and go after Devon. I didn’t even feel anger, though. What I felt was pity for Devon. He was pathetic in a way. I really did think he was a closet case. I’d seen him checking out guys in the locker room and showers after gym class when we were younger. It wasn’t the usual guy-comparing-himself-to-another type of checking out, either. I knew lust when I saw it. Devon would be better off if he admitted what he was. There was really no helping someone who wouldn’t even admit the truth to himself. Devon was one disturbed boy.

  Tim sat with us at lunch. I half expected him not to show, but he was sitting there in his usual spot when I arrived. It was the same scene as the day before. Dane was obsessed with Jacob and all but ignored Tim. Jacob was being all buddy-buddy with the guys and showing Dane just enough interest to keep him on the hook. A mental image of Dane dressed as a dog pawing at Jacob’s knees entered my mind. I would have laughed, but the situation wasn’t funny.

  Tim didn’t seem overly upset by Dane’s interest in Jacob or in Dane’s lack of interest in Tim. He just coolly observed him like a scientist watching a test subject. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or frightened. Love gone wrong could lead to violence. I couldn’t imagine my little brother stabbing his ex-lover to death, but something about the scene frightened me. Tim was far too calm.

  I observed Jacob myself. There was something about him that just seemed a bit off. I couldn’t figure out just what that something was, but it was there nonetheless. His clothes were almost odd in a way and yet not quite. He kind of looked as if he was dressed for an episode of that show Happy Days that was set in the 1950s, but then again, it wasn’t as if he was wearing a black leather jacket with his hair slicked back. Sometimes, Jacob used an odd word or phrase. The other day Jacob said something about Jon always casting an eyeball when a sexy girl was around. He also said he was “cranked” over maybe joining the football team next fall and that he was “frosted” about all the homework he was assigned. I could tell what he meant each time, but who talked like that?

  I guess it didn’t matter. For the most part, Jacob was just like any other guy at VHS. I didn’t particularly like him, but then my perceptions were clouded by the whole situation with Dane. There was no proof Jacob knew there was anything going on between Tim and Dane, so I couldn’t even fault him there. It was Dane who was acting like a self-centered jerk.

  I was talking to Tristan at the end of the school day when Tim approached us. He looked on edge, as if he’d drunk an entire pot of coffee, which, I might add, he had done before.

  “Shawn, I really need to talk.”

  Tristan leaned in and gave me a peck on the lips.

  “I’ll see you later, Shawn. Have a good evening, Tim.”

  Tim waited until I’d gathered my books and we’d walked outside before he began. No doubt he didn’t want anyone listening in.

  “I need to talk to you about Dane,” he said.

  “Yeah, I know it’s rough, Tim. I’m really sorry about…”

  “No. Listen. Something is wrong with him. He’s acting really bizarre and out of character. This whole thing with Jacob…the way he’s drooling over Jacob and ignoring me…”

  “That’s not out of character for Dane. That’s the old Dane. I think he’s coming back. The old Dane was a jerk,” I said.

  “No! It’s more than that! It’s as if Jacob has some kind of power over him. It’s as if Dane is possessed! Something is not right about Jacob. Who is he, anyway? Where did he come from? Is he in any of your classes or anyone else’s? I’ve been asking around. He doesn’t share a single class with anyone I know!”

  “Tim, I’m really sorry Dane is being such a jerk. I know how much it must hurt you, but you can’t lay the blame on Jacob. I don’t particularly care for him, but Dane is the one who’s the problem. I know you love him and you don’t want to believe he could be like this, but…”

  “No. Dane does love me! I know he does! It’s Jacob!”

  “Tim…”

  “I have an idea about what’s going on.”

  “Okay, what do you think is going on?”

  “I want to check something out before I tell you, just to make sure.”

  “Check what out?”

  “Drive me to Dane’s house.”

  “Tim, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I have work in a few…”

  “Please, Shawn.”

  Tim looked so pathetic I gave in. A few minutes later, I pulled up in front of the old Verona school. We walked to the front and knocked on the door. No one answered. Tim tugged on the door and it opened.

  “Tim, what are you doing?”

  “Come on,” he said.

  “Tim!”

  My little brother wasn’t listening. He went right in. I followed him.

  “Tim, we can’t just walk into someone’s house.”

  “Mr. and Mrs. Haakonson won’t care. I’ve let myself in lots of times. They almost never hear anyone knocking at the front door.”

  Tim led me down the short entrance hallway, turned right, and led me down a longer hallway. He turned left at the end and headed for the gym where we’d played dodge ball and basketball with the guys. He pushed open the oak and glass doors that led into the old gym.

  “What are we doing here?” I asked.

  “You’ll see.”

  He walked toward the far end of the gym to a large football-team photo that hung on the wall between the stage and the boys’ locker room. Tim gazed at the photo for a moment and then pointed.

  “I knew it! Tell me that isn’t the boy who sits with us at lunch. Tell me that’s not Jacob.”

  “So? There’s a resemblance. What of it?”

  “That’s not just a resemblance. He looks exactly the same!”

  “And?”

  “Think about it. Jacob even dresses a little odd. That vintage clothing he wears?”

  “He doesn’t dress that odd—just a little retro.”

  “Not retro. Those aren’t clothes that look like those worn in the late 1940s. They are clothes that were worn in the 1940s.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that Jacob from school is Dane’s ghost!”

  “That’s crazy, Tim.”

  “Maybe so, but it makes sense. Jacob looks exactly like the boy in the photo. He dresses as though he’s not quite clued in to what guys wear now. He uses weird phrases that no one uses. Dane even said the ghost’s name is Jacob.”

  I had noticed Jacob’s clothing and odd vocabulary. I’d been thinking about both earlier in the day. Still…

  “Boothe went to a whole lot of trouble to pawn this ghost off on Dane,” Tim said. “Boothe put himself in great danger of getting caught, and from what Dane h
as told me about him, he wouldn’t do that without reason. I believe Dane has been seeing a ghost. I’ve believed him all along. He wouldn’t lie to me. I also believe him about the coin. That means there are supernatural forces at work.”

  “This is all just crazy, Tim.”

  “Crazy, but true! Jacob has an unnatural power over Dane.”

  “Dane just wants his dick,” I said. “I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true.”

  “No! It’s more than that! Dane loves me! I know he does! I was upset last night because I didn’t understand. I was too hurt to think things through. The feelings Dane has for me couldn’t go away that quickly. It doesn’t make sense! Jacob is controlling Dane. It’s not just lust. He’s possessed, I tell you! Jacob is possessing Dane!”

  “Tim, I’m really sorry things have gone bad with Dane, but…

  “God dammit, listen to me! Dane is in danger! Jacob was a ghost. Now he’s become a real boy. He’s not Pinocchio! What about the way Dane eats all the time? No one can go on eating and eating like that without gaining weight. If anything, he’s losing weight. It’s not natural! Jacob is draining Dane’s life away somehow! He’s killing him!”

  Tim grew silent for a moment. I didn’t say anything. What could I say? Tim was talking crazy, yet…

  “That’s it!”

  “What’s it?” I asked.

  “Jacob isn’t a real boy—yet. He’s sucking the life out of Dane. As Dane gets weaker, Jacob gets stronger. Jacob won’t become fully alive until…Dane dies…”

  “Tim…”

  “We’ve got to find Dane before it’s too late! We’ve got to stop Jacob!”

  “Tim, get hold of yourself! This is all nonsense.”

  “We’ve got to find him!”

  “Tim! Stop it!”

  I grabbed my little brother and shook him. He was becoming frantic.

  “No!” he yelled.

  Tim slapped my hands away.

  “Tim…”

  “Shawn, please! I know you think I’m crazy, but please help me! If you love me, help me find Dane! I’m begging you! Please!”

  Tim cried his eyes out. The whole idea was insane, but I knew Tim could not rest until we found Dane. At least then maybe we could get to the bottom of things. Jacob? A ghost? No way! At least we could find Dane, talk to him, and prove to Tim that Dane wasn’t possessed. The things I did for my little brother…