by E. L. Todd
He released my hold. “You want a relationship?”
“Yes,” I snapped. “I want marriage and kids—just like every other girl. I made that clear a long time ago.”
His eyes softened. “With me?”
“No.” I didn’t want to give him a heart attack. “I just meant in general.”
His eyes darkened again.
“I’m not going to get that from you, as you made perfectly clear, so I need to find someone who will give it to me.” I stood up and pulled my clothes on.
He rose from the bed, still naked. “Are you saying you do want that with me?” His arms were by his sides but his body was tense. His shoulders were rigid like he was trying to remain still.
Like I would ever give him that satisfaction by saying yes. I went all the way to his apartment to confess my feelings and he had a skank at his place. Then he lied to me about it. Ash would never be what I wanted him to be. He was a player and a liar—not my type. “No.” I didn’t see the look on his face because I marched to the bathroom then locked the door behind me.
I immediately turned on the shower to block out all other sound. Then I slid to the floor with my clothes in my arms. Normally, I was such a logical person. I knew when my mind was in charge and when my heart was. Ash was no good for me but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. He warned me not to fall for him and I did it anyway. The last two days I spent with him were wonderful and beautiful. I’d give anything to have that every single day for the rest of my life. But Ash was untamable. He was unavailable. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger and he wanted to keep it that way.
I couldn’t let that happen.
***
I tried to act normal during my dinner with Brad but I couldn’t help but feel totally disgusting. Ash’s seed was still inside me, and I sat across from my date like nothing happened. The guilt was eating me alive and I felt like a terrible person. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Brad and I weren’t exclusive. We hadn’t even kissed. But my moral compass was off anyway.
Brad examined me as he sipped his wine. “Forgive me, but I get the impression something is wrong.”
“Why do you say that?” I ate my food and tried to act natural.
“Well, I’ve asked you a few questions now and you didn’t hear any of them…”
He did? How did I not hear him?
“Something on your mind?” He didn’t seem irritated, just concerned.
I was just going to come clean. The guilt was going to burn me from the inside out if I didn’t. “Okay, I had a fling for a while before we met, and I ended it when I started dating you but…we slept together yesterday and today.” I couldn’t look at him as I said it because I felt like a whore. “I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I didn’t want it to happen but it did.” I stared at my plate but didn’t eat anything.
“Alessandra, it’s okay.” His voice came out gentle.
“It is?” I cringed because I thought he was lying.
“We aren’t exclusive,” Brad said. “We’ve only been on a few dates. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I don’t think it’s good conduct to be physical with someone when you’re dating someone else. I swear, it’s not something I would normally do. It just happened…”
“It’s really okay,” he said. “I’m not angry.”
I relaxed and felt the guilt float away.
“I would feel differently if we were sleeping together but we aren’t. So, you’re in the clear.” He gave me a slight smile.
Phew. I was glad he didn’t make a scene then storm out.
“But it sounds like there’s something more than just…a physical relationship.” He kept the accusation out of his voice but not his look. “Do you have feelings for him?”
I couldn’t lie about that. It would be wrong. “Yes…unfortunately.”
“Does he have feelings for you?”
“No…unfortunately.”
“I see,” he said with a slight nod.
“It started off as a fling, but after a few months, I developed feelings for him. When I went to his place to tell him how I felt, one of his guests opened the door and I realized he didn’t feel the same way.”
“I’m sorry.” He seemed sincere.
“We ran into each other the other day and got into a fight…and then it just happened.” I gripped my skull in frustration. “I should have just kicked him out and walked away but I was too weak. Now I’m back to where I started.” I pressed my face into my palms and shook my head.
“It’s okay,” Brad said. “I’ve been there.”
“You have?” I lowered my hands and looked at him.
“Everyone has that one person they want so much but can never have…or have all of.” He gave me a sad look. “Sadly, it happens all the time. I guess that’s how I feel about my ex. She left me so coldly, but even now, I still feel the same way. Looks like we’re both pathetic.”
For the first time that night, I felt better. “Thanks for being so understanding.”
“And I appreciate your honesty. If we lay down a foundation of trust and friendship, something could happen for us. I do like you and I know you like me. This could go somewhere…eventually.”
“I think so too.” I gave him a smile. Brad and I both had our baggage and it was nice to be in the same boat at the same time. It wasn’t a romantic love story like in the movies, but maybe it could become one someday.
Ash
I was losing my mind.
Alessandra walked away and left me there alone. She wanted to go out with some guy she didn’t even like all that much instead of being with me.
Months ago, she said I wasn’t her type.
And I still wasn’t her type.
What the hell was wrong with me? But I didn’t want a relationship anyway. I didn’t do the girlfriend thing. Monogamy just wasn’t my cup of tea. Why have sex with the same person over and over when you could try every crop in the field?
But I didn’t want Alessandra to be with anyone else.
And I didn’t want to be with anyone else either.
What the fuck did that mean?
Why was I so upset at the thought of him just touching her hand? Why did I demand that she stay with me instead of going out with him? My whole world was turned upside down and I didn’t even know what to think anymore. I used to be happy, taking it one day at a time. The town was an adventure, and meeting new women in foreign places was what I lived for. I’d broken more hearts than I could count, and I never looked back after I did it.
Alessandra was the first girl to cut me loose.
She didn’t want me.
I wanted her but she didn’t want me.
That’d never happened before.
***
I went to Sawyer’s place to watch the game. Empty beer bottles sat on the coffee table along with a few bags of chips. Sawyer sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other. It was hard to concentrate on the game when I was so angry I wanted to demolish his entire apartment.
“How’s work?” Sawyer asked as his eyes were glued to the screen.
“Fine.” I was on my fifth beer and I still didn’t feel the haze I craved.
“How’s it going with your parents?”
“Fine.”
Sawyer turned to me. “How’s life in general?”
“Fine,” I snapped. “And could you stop asking me a million questions?”
He didn’t drop his gaze. “Why are you acting like a cunt today?”
“I’m not,” I snapped. “You’re a cunt.”
Sawyer didn’t rise. “Seriously, you’ve been moody all week. What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
Sawyer wouldn’t let it go. “I’m worried about you. You’ve been weird for months and now you’re even weirder. I feel like there’s something you aren’t telling me.”
I just wanted him to get off my case. “My parents returned my money.”
“They did?” Now he abandoned the
TV altogether. “And you didn’t mention that? You didn’t say that the second you walked in the door.”
“It happened a week ago.”
“And it took you this long to bring it up?” he asked with skepticism. “See? There’s something seriously wrong.”
“I guess I just don’t care.”
“You can finally open your shop, something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, and now you don’t care? That’s shooting out red flags everywhere. Seriously, what the hell happened?”
I was miserable. That’s what happened. “You remember that girl I told you about?”
“Yeah. Didn’t you end it or something?”
“She ended it. Well, we went out to dinner with my parents and we got into a fight…then we slept together.”
“Okay…” Sawyer didn’t see what the big deal was.
“She’s dating some loser, so when we slept together, I thought that would get him out of the picture. But the next day, she got dressed and said she had to meet him for a date.”
“And that’s important because…?” Sawyer couldn’t follow.
“I just don’t understand,” I snapped. “She’s with me for three months straight and we’re great together, and then she just decides she wants to start dating? It doesn’t seem like she even likes him.”
“But why do you care, Ash?”
“I don’t fucking know.” I really didn’t. “I asked her not to go but she went anyway. She says she wants a relationship and I can never give that to her. Then I asked if that was something she really wanted, but she said she didn’t want it from me. Apparently, I’m not her type.” My voice was full of bitterness. “If I’m not her type, why is she all over me? Why does she fuck me harder than I fuck her? Why does she sleep with me at night? It doesn’t make any damn sense.”
Sawyer drank his beer before he set it on the table. “It sounds like you’re really into this girl…”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“Actually, I think you’re in love with her.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I blurted. “I’m not.”
“Then why do you care if she sleeps with other people?”
“Because she won’t sleep with me anymore. She kicked me to the side and is looking for someone better.”
“Again, why do you care?”
“Because…I just do.” I ran my fingers through my hair in irritation. “Can we stop acting like girls and just watch the game?”
Sawyer grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.
I sighed.
“Look.” He raised his hand like that would keep me calm. “If you really like this girl, why don’t you just tell her how you feel? Give her a relationship if that’s what she wants. It’s obviously what you want and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I don’t do relationships.”
“Well, maybe you can make an exception for this one.”
Doubt came into my mind. “She doesn’t want a relationship with me, Sawyer. If she did, she would have said something to me. And she wouldn’t be dating other guys. She knows I’m only good for fucking—nothing more.”
He gave me a grim look. “I say you just tell her and see what happens. You have nothing to lose, right?”
“Except what’s left of me.” I wouldn’t look at him because I was too tense to make eye contact.
“Then you should stop thinking about her and move on.”
Easier said than done.
“Let’s go pick up some broads.”
“No.” I didn’t want to charm some girl into my bed. I just didn’t have the stomach for it. I was too depressed to be aroused, and I knew I would only think about Alessandra, which would just make me more depressed.
“So…it looks like you need to just block her out. Focus on your shop.”
I didn’t care about my shop.
Sawyer turned on the TV again. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I’m good.”
“Well, I hope you feel better soon. I miss my friend.”
***
Putting Alessandra out of my head was the only option I had, so I dove headfirst into it. I immediately began plans for my new shop. I searched around the city for some prime real estate with my agent. The location was more important than anything else, especially in New York.
The shops closest to the tourist spots were the most expensive. They had prime access to pedestrians and traffic. It was an ideal place to open any business but it just wasn’t for me. I wanted something with more soul, a sense of community.
We eventually picked a place a few blocks from Times Square. It had less foot traffic and it was next to a pizza parlor, but I thought it was a good location. Since I was still working at my old shop, I gave out business cards to clients so I could take them with me. My boss wouldn’t be happy but that wasn’t my problem.
A few weeks went by and I didn’t hear a word from Alessandra. I kept checking my phone, hoping to hear from her, but there were never any missed calls or text messages.
She probably didn’t even think about me anymore.
Did she like Brad? Had they slept together? If they did, did she think of me?
Did she ever think of me?
I thought the depression would be gone by now but it wasn’t. It was just as strong as ever. Whenever women made passes at me, I told myself just to go for it. Maybe if I fucked enough women, I’d forget about Alessandra.
But I couldn’t do it.
It was like my body couldn’t respond to anyone but her.
What the hell was wrong with me?
How did this happen?
I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
This sucked.
***
Mom called me but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to her or my father. But when I didn’t call her back, she called again. She left a few messages and even resorted to texting me. She wasn’t good with her phone, so her message was barely readable.
I knew if I didn’t respond to her, she would blow up my phone forever.
Mom, I’m really busy right now. I’ll call when I can.
That should get her off my back for a while.
After work one day, I headed to my apartment and stilled when I spotted my mother waiting outside the door.
Goddammit.
Mom spotted me, and her eyes immediately widened. “There you are. I’ve been waiting all day.”
“I had to work.”
She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at me. She was over a foot shorter than me but she could still be intimidating. I’d killed men with my bare hands and watched the life leave their eyes, but her look of disapproval still unnerved me.
“What’s up?” I got the door unlocked and walked inside.
“What’s up?” she asked, clearly irritated. “I have something to ask you.”
“What?” I asked in a bored voice. I didn’t care about anything anymore. She could yell and scream about whatever she wanted to bitch about and I wouldn’t flinch.
“I went to that flower shop to surprise Alessandra and the woman said no one by that name worked there.” Accusation was in her eyes.
I guess my lies were bound to catch up with me.
“If she doesn’t work there, where does she work?”
I had my money so I didn’t care at that point. “She’s an escort.”
Her jaw dropped. “She’s a prostitute?”
“No. She’s an actress. She pretends to be a man’s girlfriend for money.”
“I don’t understand…”
Mom was a little slow. “I paid her to pretend to be my girlfriend. That way, you would give me back my money and I could move on with my life.”
“You what?” She put her hands on her hips. “You tricked me?”
“Yep.” I didn’t feel any remorse. “It was pathetic I had to resort to that to get my money back. You should have just been honorable and paid me back instead of holding it over my head. I’ve suffered en
ough in the war and you chose to make my rehabilitation even worse.” Things I never said before were flying out of my mouth. Normally, I acted like everything was just fine and didn’t give in to the dark thoughts. But now I was a loose cannon. “I’m sorry you aren’t proud of who I am. I’m sorry you’re ashamed of me and the things I care about. If you disapprove of me so much, then cut me out. I’m tired of you treating me like I’m some kind of mistake. Accept me for who I am or just leave me alone.”
Instead of blowing up and screaming at me, her eyes fell in sadness. “Ash, you aren’t a mistake. I love you.”
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
“I do,” she said. “I’m sorry I don’t show it very well…”
I couldn’t believe she was apologizing to me.
“I didn’t realize how much I hurt you.”
“Well, you did. I like inking and I’m going to open my shop. I already found a place and have ordered the equipment. It’s happening. And no, I’m not going back to school.”
Mom nodded slowly. “Then I accept that, Ash. Do what you want.”
Seriously? No yelling? No screaming? “Are you drunk?”
She actually smiled. “No, Ash. If you resorted to such tactics just to get your money back, then I know you’re fed up with me.”
“I guess…”
“I’m sorry, honey. I really am.” Sincerity was in her eyes.
I never expected this to happen. “It’s okay.”
She moved into my chest and hugged me.
I returned the embrace and felt warm. Approval was something I never got from my parents. It was nice to get it now. “So, you’re going to pardon my jail time?”
She sighed. “It’s in the past, Ash. Just learn from your mistakes.”
“I’ll try.” I pulled away and forced a smile. I was still too depressed to really enjoy the moment.
“Ash, I know it’s none of my business but I’m a little confused about Alessandra.”
I hated hearing her name. “She’s an escort. That’s the end of the story.”
“No…it just seemed like you really loved her. I could see it every time you looked at her.”
Was everything written all over my face? “I don’t love her.”