My Almost

by Kelsey Cheyenne

  And now where everything falls apart.

  I want to say all of these things to him, but I can’t. I can’t manage anything but another sob.

  My heart is splitting in my chest. No, that’s not right. All the broken shards that were momentarily healed have snapped apart once more. My heart has been obliterated. Nothing but dust remains.

  “I have to go.” I wince as the words squeak from my mouth, soft and raw. I’m crying so hard I can’t see two feet in front of me, but I can’t stay here another minute.

  “Chels,” I stop at the sound of his voice. He holds so much power over me.

  I don’t turn to him but my head falls forward and my hair creates a curtain, hiding me. My arms hang limp at my sides as my shoulders shake with my sobs.

  He comes to me, wrapping me in a hug. Thirty minutes ago I would’ve reveled in his touch, but now I feel like a charity case.

  Still, I cave, fisting his t-shirt and crying into his chest. I barely register his hands rubbing my back or his lips on my hair. It’s too much. I can’t take his pity and I don’t want it. I push him away, starting for the door again.

  He’s a broken record, stopping me once more. Just let me go. But…why do I keep stopping for him?

  “I don’t want you driving like this.” His voice is tender, and it ruins me. What does he expect me to do, stay here until I calm down? That won’t happen—the staying or the calming. My chest is tight with my unshed tears. The sobs are building, not wavering.

  I wipe my face and take a deep breath. “I don’t have a choice anymore.” I throw my parting words over my shoulder because I can’t look at him. It hurts too damn much.

  I run out of his apartment to my car which I parked under a tree across the street. It’s raining—how appropriate—but it’ll make it that much harder to see driving home.

  I start to cry again, if I ever even stopped, and I risk a final peek back at Aiden’s place. I find him, the man who owns my heart, standing in his open doorway. He’s watching me. I have to leave now.

  I’m parked in between two cars, so I back up at an angle to get out of the space quicker. I tap the damn tree with my bumper, but I don’t even care. I drive down the road in the opposite direction from where I need to go. I just need to get away.

  I park my car several blocks away and break down all over again. I rest my head on my steering wheel and allow the tears to flow. They’re big, fat, ugly tears filled with all the heartbreak in the world.

  He has broken my heart beyond repair. There’s a gaping hole in my chest and I wish the emptiness would consume me. Being numb would be better than being in agony.

  When my eyes can’t produce anymore tears, and my head throbs, I head home. I cry as Taylor Swift plays through my stereo singing songs about love and heartbreak. Every song relates to Aiden—the good and the bad. The love and the loss.

  By some miracle, I get home unscathed. It’s early for me to be getting home, only half-past midnight. I’m shocked my parents don’t run out assuming I’m an intruder.

  Buddy greets me at the door, his eyes tired and his tail thumping in lazy circles against the wall. He climbs into bed with me as I cry myself to sleep.

  Part of me wishes Aiden would’ve ended things sooner. His timing is impeccably awful considering my first shift back at Blackshire tomorrow is with him.

  27

  A Drop in the Ocean

  Work is a nightmare. If looks could kill, Aiden would be on the floor the second I walk through the door to start my shift. “Damn, dude, what’d you do to piss her off?” Reid jokes because he still doesn’t know his new assistant manager, and I were ever a thing.

  The joke stings on a molecular level. It reminds me how insignificant I was to my now-ex-whatever. I’ll admit I’m glad I came to work today pissed at Aiden instead of being a blubbering mess all over again. At least I reserve that for behind closed doors.

  I don’t wait around for whatever bullshit lie he comes up with to tell Reid if he even responds at all. I storm into the stockroom and allow the door to slam behind me. A large, torn box full of new employee t-shirts blocks one of the aisles, so I channel my hurt and rage and kick the shit out of it.

  It’s cathartic, taking my anger out on something. I want to go back out there and punch Aiden right in the face, but that’s frowned upon in most establishments. I wish we worked at a gym so I’d be allowed to punch him, even if for training purposes.

  But a shoe store is not a gym and since I transferred back here, for him, only to now have to watch him excel at this job. I have to hear his salesman voice, full of assertion and confidence. I have to listen to him laugh with our coworkers and watch him smile while I’m dying inside.

  Plus, it’s the first week of November and the holidays are upon us once again, the store is already getting busy with holiday shoppers. Under normal circumstances I would be excited for the sales, but not this year. Instead, I’m hiding in the stockroom to avoid him instead of racking up the dough with sales.

  I shouldn’t let him affect me this much, but the worst part of all of this is the lies. How many blatant lies did he tell me over the last several months? Did he even realize he was doing it or is he a narcissistic sociopath, uncaring of whom he hurts?

  I want to believe the latter as fucked up as it is. I want to defend him and believe he didn’t want to hurt me. But that’s because I’m still hurting and in love with the guy.

  At least I only have to work with him on weekends since I’ll be at school during the week. And at least we’ll be busy now so I won’t have downtown to avoid him, or obsess over him, or whatever it is I’ll be doing.

  The problem is Aiden works every weekend. He’s our best salesperson, and with the weekends getting busier he’ll be here during every one of my shifts. Plus, in a few weeks I’ll be on Thanksgiving break and have to see him even more.

  I was so excited about it until last night when I got fucked and dumped. Now it’s my worst nightmare come to life. I wonder if it’s too late to transfer back to Queen Silverliff.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  School. Work. Cry. Sleep. That seems to be my entire life anymore. It’s an endless cycle of pain and dread and I wonder when it will end. It’s been a week since Aiden pulled his Royal Douchebag Move, as I’m calling it.

  At school I’m numb. It’s easier being out of Aiden’s direct proximity, but it’s harder at the same time going days on end not seeing or talking to him. Tonight I’m going right from campus to work, where I’ll see him again.

  I hate the butterflies that still flutter in my stomach at the thought of seeing him again. Even if they’re because of nerves now, I don’t care. They need to calm down and get with the program. Aiden doesn’t care about me anymore. I don’t know if he ever did.

  As I walk into work, I can breathe a little easier knowing Seth is working and therefore I won’t have to face my ex tonight. My boss, though, is already hounding me about Black Friday.

  “We’re opening earlier this year and I’m planning to have you and Reid open again.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me and my face heats. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a blush creeping up my cheeks if I looked in a mirror right now. “Reese will also open with you two this year.”

  I nod. It’s not like I can tell my boss no, anyway. It might be awkward this year, working with Reese after everything that happened between me and his best friend. And the fact he likely knows what I sound like when I orgasm. But I can’t think about it or I’ll combust into a puddle of embarrassment.

  By Saturday I’m not so lucky and I have to work with Aiden. His head snaps up as I walk in the door and we make eye contact. I don’t have the energy to stay mad at him anymore. I’m too heartbroken for that.

  Diverting my gaze, I keep my head down until I put my things away in the back room. He’s standing at the register which is where I need to go to clock in. Do I continue to hide in the back until he moves and risk clocking in late?

  It’s six on the dot and I need h
im to move but he won’t. He knows what’s he’s doing so what the hell could he want?

  I make my move but stay off to the side, praying he takes the hint. But, he’s a guy, so he doesn’t. “Excuse me.” Why am I’m even bothering with being polite? I should shove him out of the way with as much force as I can muster.

  “Hey. How are you?” He moves to the side but not far enough away. We’re standing right up against one another and the way his hand is brushing against my arm is enough to feel like a dagger is spearing my heart.

  I shake my head. “I can’t do this, Aiden. Not here. Not anymore.” I keep my head down and it’s a miracle he can even hear my whisper.

  “I am sorry, Chels. I—I miss you.” I bite my tongue and pray I don’t cry.

  “Has anything changed?” I lift my head to face him. I blink over and over again, my eyelashes becoming wet, but the tears never spill.

  He doesn’t say anything, and that’s answer enough.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  Aiden is driving me up the wall. Ever since he told me he missed me he thinks it’s okay to fuck with my feelings all over again. He’s flirty again and touchy. He keeps sidling up next to me like everything is back to normal and we’re old pals.

  I keep fiddling with my new bracelet I got in Florida on vacation. It was a flea market find, and it has a bunch of different colored glass beads. Little black balls separate the colors and are magnetic I found out when my arm got stuck to the stockroom door.

  “Can I see your bracelet?” Aiden asks, his hand touching and toying with the beads. The slight contact causes goosebumps to erupt on my arm. The effect this man has on me is scary.

  “Why?” I’m watching his hand tug on the band, trying to slide it off my wrist.

  “I want to play with it and see how magnetic it is.” His words mean something different to me. Though he’s talking about my bracelet, he toyed with me the same way—playing with my feelings and testing the boundaries of our magnetism.

  But I can’t say no to him. “Sure.” The beads slide over my hand and the sultry contact makes me shiver.

  He finds any surface with metal and dangles the jewelry near it, challenging the strength of the magnets. I don’t think he realizes how fragile the rest of the beads are.

  The pillars in the store have metal at the top of them and when Aiden realizes it, an impish glimmer overcomes his features.

  He tosses the band to the top of the pillar to see if it would stick. The force of the throw causes the bracelet to shatter on contact. My jaw drops as I watch the pieces fall to the ground.

  He spins to face me, his mouth agape just like mine. “I’m so sorry, Chels. I didn’t think it would break. I’ll buy you a new one.”

  “You can’t.” He doesn’t know I found it at a flea market.

  His face falls, and he walks back over to me, enveloping me in a hug. He’s apologizing for the bracelet but I want him to feel remorse for other things too. Maybe he does, and this is a dual apology.

  He drags his hands over my back, pulling away but allowing his fingertips to stay connected, trailing down my arms. The look in his eye is a combination of guilt and longing.

  Doesn’t he understand this is killing me? It’s not okay for him to pull me around like this, toying with my emotions. I can’t keep up with him. Is he going to beg me to get back together with him? Why else would he be so nice to me?

  Will I agree to it? Of course I would. I’m a masochist who loves putting my all into a person who gives me nothing in return. It’ll be the same cycle again and I’ll continue to get my heart broken beyond repair.

  And yet… I fucking love him. And that means I’ll take anything I can get. He’s not making this easy for me to get over him.

  Since I’m on Thanksgiving break and picking up extra shifts, I’ll be working with him more. Is that a good or bad thing? I can’t decide. I want him to miss us and for him to feel bad and beg for me back. I’d do anything to be with him again, but I want something real.

  I keep giving him all this power to stitch me back together and he takes it. He makes me all better, makes me whole again, only to rip the rug out from under me once more. I shouldn’t trust him. I shouldn’t let him continue to manipulate me like this.

  Why are the head and the heart never in conjunction with their decisions? The head is a fickle bitch. He says the right thing and my mind flips like a switch, deciding he’s worth it, worth the risk and the inevitable heartache.

  The heart is more solid. She knows what she wants. Even when she knows she’ll break over and over again, she still wants the person who makes her whole. It’s illogical and dangerous. It’s stupid. But the heart wants what it wants, and it’s impossible to stop her from trying to win him back.

  I’m tricking myself into thinking my guard is up with him but in reality, it’s not. It never will be.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  It’s Thanksgiving eve and I’m working with Seth and the ex who won’t leave. I’m hoping my former fuck buddy will be on his best behavior with our boss around, but somehow I doubt it. It’s never stopped him before.

  Every couple of months the soundtrack to the store will update to give us new, current songs to listen to. It helps draw in customers and also keeps us from going crazy listening to the same music over and over again.

  For a brief moment, the soundtrack takes me back to my regrettable night with Adam. Then I think of Sadie and part of me wishes I was now working there with her instead of enduring this daily torture with Aiden.

  I’m standing in the front of the store talking with Seth and Aiden when a new song plays. I get lightheaded and dizzy. The room is spinning and I think the floor is getting closer. I grip onto a bench, but it doesn’t help.

  I’m transported back a few weeks. My mouth gets dry and my breathing becomes rapid. This can’t be happening. Not this song.

  I try to focus on where my two managers are talking and laughing. Aiden starts fist-pumping to the beat. “I can’t wait to go out tonight and dance.” He laughs, and the sound is like nails on a chalkboard in this moment.

  Thanksgiving eve is a huge party night, but since I’m underage, I won’t be going out to any clubs like he intends to. Seth responds, but the blood is too loud in my ears so I don’t register his retort.

  Rihanna’s I Found Love (Hopeless Place) is playing over our sound system and I want to smash the damn thing. I’ve gone into a full-blown panic attack remembering the night on the bathroom floor when Aiden first broke me. The night he promised to never forgive me and never talk to me again.

  The latter hadn’t happened but it’s possible the former did. That could’ve been when everything ended for him. Maybe our last romp was a goodbye only he was aware of.

  It’s like I’m back in that heart-wrenching moment. I’m back lying on the bathroom floor, heaving out my insides to expel any shred of pain I’m capable of. The man who ruined me stands before me, laughing and smiling, dancing, and talking about how he’s going out tonight.

  He’ll go get drunk and perhaps he’ll find someone and bring her home. He has no idea my last shred of sanity is peeling away in front of him because of him.

  Doesn’t he know what he did to me all those weeks ago? He doesn’t realize this song played that night. He probably doesn’t even remember he called me in the first place or how harsh he was. Maybe he blacked out and lost all memory of that night.

  I hope so. I want to believe he has at least one shred of humanity in him.

  But hearing this song as I’m standing beside him, and watching how cavalier he is about it, hurts like hell. It’s like the last string holding me together is unraveling around me.

  I wish he had an idea of what he did to me that night. I wish he would address it at least even if he didn’t apologize for it.

  I force my legs to work and carry me away. “I, uh, gotta, uh, be back.” I’m not making sense. My legs are like lead and as I make my way back to the stockroom, I can’t bear to check if they’re
watching me or following me.

  I sit down in the back, placing my head between my knees and take a deep breath as I wait out the horrible song. “Are you okay?”

  Aiden’s voice makes me jump out of my seat. He poked his head in through the stockroom door like a freaking ninja, without making a sound. How do I tell him, yes, I’m fine. I just had a slight case of PTSD from the night you called me up and broke my heart for the first time. But yeah, I’m totally fucking fine.

  “Yep, just, uh, got a little lightheaded. I’m good now.” I stand up, brushing by him. He grabs my arm, forcing me to look at him. He looks down at me, looking into my soul and he can’t like what he sees. He lets go of my arm, sliding his hand down the length before opening the stockroom door. My body has to brush against his as I pass him.

  Just a couple more hours of this tonight, then tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I won’t have to deal with him until Friday. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

  28

  Cute Without the ‘E’

  I bake cupcakes again for everyone as a Black Friday snack. My mom helps me bake both chocolate and vanilla, and to bring life to the start of the holiday season. I planned to decorate them with green and red icing.

  Turns out I didn’t have any green food coloring and the red looks more pink than red. I should’ve thought this through, but when I show up to work with blue and pink cupcakes, I think nothing of it. Blue can be Christmassy, right? Snow and frost can be blue. It’s not that weird.

  I show up early since it’s Black Friday and I beat Reid in. It’s just Reese and I in the store and wow, could this get any more awkward? There’s a new Jordan shoe release and since I open, I’ll be getting one-third of the commission money in sales, split between Reese, Reid, and myself. It’ll add a nice little chunk to my paycheck.

  “Hi,” I greet him with frailty, and carry the cupcakes to the back. We’re opening at three in the morning and, all things considered, I’m in a damn good mood. It probably has something to do with opening with Reid and the nice paycheck I’ll be getting from today.