Will the Real Abi Sanders Please Stand Up?

by Sara Hantz

  I’ve never been so wasted in my whole life. Not that I make a habit of drinking excessively. Not ever, really. Usually a couple of beers at a party and that’s about it. I always have to think about my training and keeping fit, so I can’t go crazy. Not that Matt or Liv would let me get in that state, even if I wanted to.

  What’s even scarier is I don’t remember coming home last night. Well, that’s not altogether true. I do have a vague recollection of Jon putting me in a cab, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, and giving the driver some money. The rest is sort of a mystery.

  Mom’s going to freak. I can only hope she was in bed when I got back and that I used the key under the flowerpot around the back of the house to let myself in and that I was quiet.

  Oh, God. Liv.

  Her party. Her text. Oh, no.

  I felt bad before, but suddenly it’s reaching new lows.

  Why didn’t I go to the party last night?

  Why did I allow myself to be persuaded to go to The Tavern?

  Why did I spend such a wonderful evening with Jon?

  That’s the only question I can answer. Jon definitely would have full on kissed me if we hadn’t been interrupted by that freakin’ photographer. I’ve never been this crazy this quickly about a guy before. We get along so well. He’s so kind and thoughtful, and look how he stayed with me all evening. He’s never said anything about my stutter. Not that I’ve really stuttered that much in front of him. I seem to save that up for when I’m with Tilly. And what a nice guy he is for putting me in a cab home. He didn’t try and take advantage of me being wasted. That says a lot about him.

  I know I keep saying this, but why can’t Jon be with me instead of Tilly? It’s not like she really wants him. It’s all for publicity. That’s what Vince said. To promote her image. So all her fans think she’s a nice girl and not some slut. I wish he could see her as she really is, and then he might try to do something about it. He just doesn’t deserve to be treated the way she treats him. He should be with someone who’ll be there when he needs them. Someone who won’t put themselves first all the time. Someone like me.

  Liv will understand. She’s got to. It’s not like I’m the life and soul of the party, so she couldn’t have really missed me. She probably sent that text after she’d had a few. She might not even remember. I’ll call her later, once I’ve gotten up. Maybe go over to her place. She hasn’t even seen my present yet. Thanks to earning all this money, I was able to get her this beautiful silver bangle, and I had it engraved on the back so she always thinks of me when she wears it.

  A loud knock on the door sets off the pounding in my head again, which had subsided a little.

  “Abi, sweetheart. Are you awake?”

  It’s Mom. She doesn’t sound angry, which is definitely promising. “Yeah,” I mutter, from under the pillow.

  I hear the door open and the sound of her footsteps as she pads across my floor. The bed bounces when she sits down beside me, and I feel decidedly nauseous. She better keep still, or I’ll be in serious need of a huge bucket.

  “I didn’t realize you were coming home last night,” she says, way too loud for my liking. Doesn’t she know how to whisper? “I was very surprised to see your shoes and purse in the hall when I got up this morning. How was Liv’s party?”

  At least I didn’t wake her. That’s good. Now let’s see how she takes what I’m about to say next.

  “I didn’t go to the party,” I say, lifting up the pillow slightly and speaking from under it.

  “You didn’t go to the party?” Mom says, her voice about an octave higher. “But you phoned and said you were going straight from work. What do you mean you didn’t go to the party? Where did you go?” She grabs hold of the pillow and yanks it off my head.

  I cover my eyes with my arm. “I’m sorry. I meant to, but it got late. I went out with the guys from work to a club, and they brought me home in a cab.” That sounds so lame. Because it is.

  “And missed your best friend’s party? Oh, Abi. How could you?” She glares at me, her eyes tiny, disappointed slits.

  You’d think I’d committed a heinous crime. It’s only a party, for heaven’s sake. She’s just trying to make me feel guilty. And it’s working. Guilt floods through me, spoiling my memories of last night.

  “Liv will understand,” I say without conviction. Because I’m not really sure she will.

  “Are you sure about that?” My eyes are now closed, but I can feel her stony gaze penetrating my arm, which is resting across my head. “And of course, if she did the same thing to you, you wouldn’t mind, would you?”

  Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I’ve got the message. I’m the worst friend in history.

  Why doesn’t she go downstairs and do some cooking, or cleaning, or some other motherly thing she does with her time? Anything, just leave me alone.

  “Don’t start, Mom. I don’t feel well.”

  “Well, don’t expect me to be sympathetic. You shouldn’t even be drinking at your age, and especially not drinking so much you have a hangover.”

  “Whatever.” The word is out my mouth before I have time to check it. I know what the reaction’s going to be.

  “Don’t you whatever me. I suggest you get out of bed now and call Liv to apologize.”

  She practically leaps off the bed, causing me to bounce so much that bile shoots up from my stomach into my mouth, then she stomps out of my room and slams the door behind her, not bothering to wait for my reply.

  Mom’s so annoying. Where does she get off, ordering me out of bed?

  …

  I take a bite of the tuna and mayo sandwich Mom left on the kitchen table for me. The thought of eating it is turning my stomach, but she’ll only get onto me again if I don’t try to manage some of it.

  “Ah, the movie star has arisen,” Dad says walking into the kitchen and pulling out the chair at the end of the table and sitting down.

  “Very funny,” I say.

  “It wasn’t supposed to be. Your mother told me about last night, and I’m not impressed.” He fixes me with one of his stares that used to terrify me when I was about six. Now, I know better.

  “I didn’t mean to. It just sort of happened. I’m going to phone Liv and say sorry.” If she’ll speak to me. Before I came down, I re-read the text from last night. I don’t remember it being that bad.

  “Good. In the future, I don’t want you to go out with the movie crowd.” He thumps the table, and the little white china salt and pepper pots in the middle jump up and down.

  What’s gotten into him? It’s not like I’ve been arrested for drugs. All I did was have a few drinks and miss a party. I think he’s getting a bit carried away.

  “But…”

  “No buts, Abi. Have you seen today’s paper?” I shake my head. “I thought not. Just look at this.” He leans over to the middle of the table and pulls the newspaper toward him. “What do you have to say for yourself?” He stabs his finger at a photo and then slides it across to where I’m sitting.

  It’s a picture of me with my hair plastered across my face, with the caption Movie Mess. My eyes are almost crossed, and I’m being held up by Jon. I look like a freakin’ wreck. I lean forward and rest my head in my hand. How can this be happening to me? At least my name isn’t in print, because they didn’t know who I was. I glance up at Dad who’s glaring at me. “Oh,” I say.

  “Oh. Is that it?” Dad snaps. “How much did you have to drink for God’s sake? Not to mention you’re underage and could’ve got into a lot of trouble. Or doesn’t that matter in your world?”

  I’ve never seen Dad so angry. But I don’t know why. It’s not like he didn’t drink when he was my age, because he did. He’s told me.

  “I didn’t drink much. It’s just that there wasn’t time to eat. That’s why it affected me.” My voice cracks, much to my annoyance.

  Mom walks into the kitchen, and I can tell by the look on her face it’s her turn now.

  “So, what do you h
ave to say for yourself?” She folds her arm tightly across her chest.

  “Nothing. It’s worse than it looks.” I pause. “I mean it’s not as bad as it looks. I slipped. That’s why Jon’s holding me up. I didn’t drink that much, but it went to my head because I forgot to eat.”

  I don’t know why I’m making excuses to them. It’s not gonna change anything.

  “Who’s Jon?”

  “Tilly’s boyfriend.”

  “And where was Tilly when he was holding you up so inelegantly?” Mom asks.

  “She was sick and stayed at the hotel.”

  “All on her own with no one to look after her, I suppose,” Mom said shaking her head from side to side. Typical of Mom to think of that.

  “She can look after herself.”

  “Hmm. That’s debatable. She’s not much older than you.”

  “Well, I can look after myself, too. If you’d let me.” My head still hurts, and arguing is making it worse.

  “Well, it doesn’t look that way in the photo, and that’s what the world is going to see. You’re not to go out with those people again.”

  “But, I…”

  My cell ringing interrupts me, and I snatch it up, happy for some relief from the cross examination.

  “It’s Matt,” a voice says. I stand up and walk out the kitchen, closing the door behind me. I don’t want Mom and Dad listening to what I know is going to be a difficult conversation.

  “H-h-hello.”

  “Man, you’ve outdone yourself this time,” Matt’s voice booms in my ear, and I wince.

  “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help it…”

  “Cut the crap, Abi. You’ve made it perfectly clear who comes first in your world, and we know it’s not us.” Ouch.

  “No. No. That’s so not true. Please Matt. I got drunk, and the time just passed, and I really wanted to go to the party. I know Liv’s going to hate me. I’ll call her to explain.”

  “And you think that’s going to fix everything, do you?”

  No. But how can I admit that? I’d kill for a do-over. I’d make sure none of this happened. “She’ll understand. I know she will.” I force my voice to sound confident, but I don’t know why, because it’s not like I can fool Matt.

  “God Abi. If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t have even done this stupid movie. And this is how you thank her.”

  “Okay, okay. I hear you. I know Liv has every right to hate me forever, and I understand if she doesn’t want to speak to me again. But I’m sorry. I really am. I’ll make it up to you both. Promise.”

  “We’ll see.” He’s silent for a few seconds. “I better go. I’ll see you soon.”

  “I hope so, too. But we’re so behind, Zac was talking about us staying really late from now on.” Shut up. That isn’t the right thing to say.

  “Sure.”

  The sound of Matt ending the call echoes in my ear.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Abi, upstairs. My office,” Bill growls during a break while we’re teaching the junior’s class, fixing me with one of his don’t-mess-with-me stares.

  Which is just great. What does he want? Surely it’s not because I was five minutes late? I mean, it wasn’t like they’d already started warming up by the time I got here. When I arrived, Bill was giving his usual lecture about the championships, and, to be honest, I’ve heard his talk so many times before I could do it for him. And I’m doing him a favor by helping out because he’s short trainers. Anyway, he’s lucky I made it at all. I nearly didn’t, because Zac was on the verge of re-shooting a whole scene, until it started to rain.

  So, Bill better be careful, because if he gets on my case, then I’m going to walk. I really don’t need this at the moment. On top of everything with Liv, I finish shooting the day after tomorrow, and I’m dreading it, because it means I’m going to lose all my new friends. My only friends after what happened with Liv.

  And let’s not even think about how things are with Jon. He’s hardly spoken to me since our night at the club. Not because he’s ignoring me, but for some reason Tilly’s sticking to him like glue. As soon as we start to talk she appears, as if by magic. I swear she’s got some sort of tracking device on him. When he goes back to L.A. with her… I just can’t bear to think about it.

  “Okay,” I finally say, after Bill gives a loud cough.

  I walk up the stairs behind him, dragging my feet for good measure. Not that he seems to notice my annoyance, or, if he does, he chooses to ignore it.

  When we get to his office, he closes the door behind us, walks to the desk, and leans against it with his arms folded.

  “Care to explain?” he asks, fixing me with a stare.

  “What?” I can’t bring myself to keep eye contact with him, so I look down at my feet instead.

  “Your attitude. You used to be a good role model for the younger ones, but now you act like being here is something you have to do and not something you want to do. I don’t like it. I hope you’ll be back to your old self when you resume training. Nationals will be upon us before we know it, and you’ll be lucky to qualify let alone make it to the finals.”

  Excuse me? How dare he get on my case when he was the one who made me go for the movie job in the first place? If anything, he should be building me up, not trying to bring me down.

  “I’m sorry. But the movie…”

  “Isn’t your whole life, and filming will be over very soon. Then you’ll be back here with us.”

  That’s what I’m dreading. How can I come back here where class is boring and I’d much rather be with the people from the movie? Plus, I don’t even know if I want to continue with class. There are so many other things I can do. Like…like…travel to L.A. and take up stunt work professionally. All I’ve ever done is kickboxing, and, thanks to the movie, I know there’s more to life than that. I don’t want to upset Bill, though. I owe him big time. I know that, but people move on. I’m moving on. It’s not his fault that my life is changing direction, so I shouldn’t take it out on him or everyone here. I get that.

  “I promise to be enthusiastic with the juniors when I’m here and to make sure I’m on time.” Hopefully that will keep him off my back for a while. Then, once I’m back here and have time to plan my future, I’ll talk to him.

  “Thank you.” An expression of relief crosses his face, which makes me feel bad. He needs me more than I thought. “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. But don’t alienate everyone.” I think he’s getting a bit carried away. The only person who I’ve had a falling out with is Liv, which I admit was my fault. Other than that, there’s no one else I’ve alienated. Well, there’s Matt too, I guess, which feels too awful to think about, so I push it out out of my head before I can overanalyze it. But that’s it. I’m the same as I’ve always been, apart from being busier and having more friends.

  “Sure. Thanks. Can I go now?” Bill nods.

  I race downstairs to look for Matt but don’t see him anywhere. It’s so annoying. It’s not like there are loads of places to go. Unless he’s deliberately keeping out of my way. We haven’t seen each other since he cut short our call the other day, but we have exchanged a few texts. So there’s no reason for him to totally ignore me.

  After a few more minutes looking for Matt, I decide to go outside for a while until class starts again. While I’m leaning against the wall, I spot him walking along the sidewalk. Where’s he been? There aren’t any shops around here. It’s all industrial. Maybe he has been avoiding me, after all.

  “Hey, Matt,” I shout, striding toward him. He glances up but doesn’t acknowledge me or anything.

  “You managed to make it tonight, then,” he says when I reach him.

  “Don’t you start. I’ve just had an earful from Bill. And I explained everything to him. Anyway, it’s not my fault filming ran over.”

  Even I’m feeling that this excuse is wearing thin.

  “It never is.” He looks down at the ground, his happy, flirty Matt energy nowhere to
be found.

  It’s so not fair that I have to spend my time defending what I do. My entire life it’s been: Abi, push yourself more; Abi, don’t let people walk all over you; Abi, stand up for yourself; Abi, don’t hide from the limelight. Need I go on? And now—NOW—all I get is abuse for doing the very thing everyone wanted me to do in the first place.

  “Filming finishes in a couple of days, so that should make you all happy.” I give a hollow laugh. “Back to my boring existence. Or should I say boring non-existence.”

  “If that’s what you think of me and Liv.”

  That’s not fair. I didn’t say that. He’s just twisting it to make me feel guilty. “Liv’s not speaking to me, despite all my efforts to contact her, and all you can do is complain. What do you expect me to think? It’s hardly something to look forward to, is it?”

  “Whose fault is that?” He folds his arms across his chest and fixes me with an accusatory stare.

  I can’t believe I’m standing here listening to this. How dare he? I’ve been the best friend to him and Liv. I’ve listened to them go on and on about their parents and brothers and sisters. Supported anything they’ve done, like when Matt made the football team. Been there when things have gone wrong. And now, just because my life is different and for once I’m having fun, they’re both being total jerks about it.

  “Forget it. Just forget it. You’re deliberately taking everything I say the wrong way.” I wave my arms in the air, out of temper. “I take it Liv still isn’t acknowledging my existence.”

  “Do you blame her?” His fists are balled, and he punches one into his thigh.

  I swallow hard. I hate when we fight. “But I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”

  “That’s just a cop out, if you ask me.”

  “So sue me,” I snap. Then guilt floods through me. Because it is all my fault. “I want to speak to Liv. To say sorry. But how can I if she won’t take my calls or reply to my texts?”

  “Just give her time. She’ll calm down eventually. You know what she’s like,” Matt says, sounding more like his usual self.