The Rabbit Great And Terrible

by Chereta, Nelson

  Waldo waved that away. “It’s easy to trick ignorant peasants. But in Torikai I’ll be dealing with mages. They’ll probably be harder to fool. I know I am not a very convincing liar and I want to work at it. You seem to know what you’re doing, give me some suggestions.”

  “Darling, you don’t need to worry about that. You are fine the way you are.”

  “But it’s a really important skill!”

  Alice shook her head. “No, it’s not. I never lie, and it’s never been a problem for me.”

  Cleptus let loose a loud laugh.

  Alice turned to stare daggers at the man. “You have something to say, thief?”

  “Only that every beautiful woman lies, and beautiful barmaids are the queens of deception.”

  “Maybe the girls you knew were like that, but I never was.”

  “Oh really? You never told some fat, homely, old grandfather that he was handsome? Never smiled and laughed and encouraged a man just to earn a tip? Never pretended to be interested in some story you’d already heard a hundred times?”

  Alice crossed her arms. “All that’s called being polite. It’s a barmaid’s job to make the customer feel welcome. Of course, I’ll be sweet to them.”

  “A lie’s a lie, no matter no matter how sweet it tastes,” Cleptus said. “I’ve had plenty of ladies thank me with tears in their eyes just for telling them they were my one and only.”

  Alice scowled at him. “That’s horrible!”

  Cleptus grinned back at her. “Why? I was just being sweet.”

  Alice turned to her husband. “Is this the kind of man you want to be?”

  “Yes,” Waldo answered immediately. He faced Cleptus. “How do I lie well?”

  “It’s not really that hard. There are just two secrets to it. Make the lie something you know the person wants to believe, and make yourself believe it too.”

  “I don’t understand,” Waldo said.

  “Look, it’s simple, most people want to believe good things. Women want to hear they’re beautiful and special, men want to hear they’re strong and smart. If you tell someone something they want to believe, they’re going to most of the time. People will argue and fight if you call their baby ugly, even if the kid could scare away a hungry rat. No one’s going to think twice if you say that same brat is a fairy in disguise.”

  “Fairies don’t disguise themselves as babies,” Waldo told him. “That’s a common misconception. They just mind control the parents in order to steal the babies to use as slaves.”

  “Is that true?” Alice asked.

  “It is,” Waldo answered.

  Cleptus shook his head. “Wasn’t my point. Just when you lie to someone, try and make part of it something they want to hear. The other thing is, you have to believe it yourself. No matter what it is you’re saying, you must make yourself believe it. It has to be as real to you as your own name. Think of it like telling a good story, whether or not the brave knight really did slay the dragon you have to believe he did, or your words sound hollow. Make every word you say as certain as your own name.”

  First name or last, Waldo thought. “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Cleptus said with a friendly manner and broad smile. “You’re a smart man, the smartest I’ve ever met by miles and miles. And even though you killed all my friends, dragged me from my home, and had my finger bitten off I’m still glad to have met you. You’re the best there is, and I know you’ll figure out anything you set your mind to.”

  Waldo couldn’t help but smile back. “Well thank you, Cleptus. I’m glad to know you appreciate me.”

  Cleptus, Alice, and Belle all stopped walking to stare at him.

  “What?” Waldo asked.

  Alice sighed. “Maybe you should learn a little bit about lying after all. At least enough to see it in others.”

  XXX

  “I would like to talk to all of you about the gods.”

  People stirred to look at one another. Derren wasn’t sure what to think, outside of the holy days or times when he was in trouble, he didn’t worry too much about the gods. His life was difficult, and he had to work hard just to keep food on the table. The priests were always wanting offerings and donations he couldn’t afford. They warned about the consequences of the gods’ displeasure and tried to claim anything good that happened was a result of their favor. He visited the temples on the solstices and the equinoxes. He made an offering when he was sick or about to leave on a job. The rest of the time he really didn’t give the gods much thought.

  The White Mage placed both his hands, palm out, behind his head. As though forming a pair of rabbit ears.

  “The love of the Rabbit unto you,” he said.

  Derren and everyone else sat there in confused silence. Nonplussed, the White Mage put his hands down and began to speak to them.

  “As I am sure you all know, there are many gods in the world. There are, at least, twelve major religions. Each with its own pantheon. The Northmen follow Tivor the Storm God, the Seljuk believe in Dais, around the Inner Sea they still worship Cronos the old Amoran gods, and there is Andoval, Seprith, Koramoor, the Dark Powers, and still others. Leaving all the major deities out of it, how many local gods are there? Every country has a few. A god for this river or that mountain, a god for the harvest, a god for childbirth, a god for marriage, a god of the hearth, a god for war, and a god for peace. Do you think they’re all real? Every one of them? Do you think they listen? That they care?”

  Hearing those questions, Derren suddenly realized he’d never really thought about any of that. He’d been brought up to believe in the gods of the realm. He’d been told the same stories as everyone else and just accepted them.

  “I would like to talk to you about the god my people worship, the god of Avalon and of all White Mages. He is a god of Unity, Justice, and Peace who wants to make all men and women a part of his herd. For he is the Great Rabbit and his name is Kookoocachoo.”

  Derren had never heard of him, but that was not surprising. Everything about the White Mages was shrouded in mystery.

  “Let me tell you about Kookoocachoo’s love for all of you, and his plans to bring all into his herd.”

  The master spoke for about an hour, and the more Derren heard about this god and his ways the more interested he became. When the sermon finally ended Narvin had to come over and remind him about his shift. As Derren started his watch he wondered if the master would speak again. Derren really wanted to hear more about the Great Rabbit.

  XXX

  After speaking, Waldo went back over to his group. Belle had already set up their tents inside the wagon circle. As everyone else drifted off to sleep inside their wagons or on blankets spread out on the grass, the four of them were alone and able to talk.

  “What was that?” Alice asked.

  “I believe the priests call it a sermon,” Waldo told her.

  “I know that, darling. But why did you suddenly feel the need to talk about your religious beliefs? And… a rabbit? I thought you said your gods were,” she glanced at Cleptus. “Something else.”

  “Never knew you were so religious,” Cleptus remarked.

  “I liked it, master,” Belle said. “Especially the part about how your god shaped the world out of his poo.”

  “Well, every religion needs a creation story,” Waldo said.

  “Darling, there’s something I don’t understand. Don’t you believe in… other gods?” Sometimes, having to keep Cleptus ignorant of who Waldo really was could be inconvenient. She was, of course, referring to the Dark Powers who Waldo often complained were laughing at him.

  Waldo nodded. “That’s right.”

  “Then does that mean Kookoocachoo is one of those gods?”

  “No. We don’t actually know their names, their number, if they are male or female, or really much of anything about them. We only know they have power and are willing to bargain.”

  “Never heard of any gods like
that,” Cleptus said.

  “In Avalon, our ways are strange and enigmatic,” Waldo said. That was what he usually said when there was something he didn’t want to explain to the thief. Cleptus simply nodded. Everyone knew White Mages had secrets like dogs had fleas.

  The color drained from Alice’s cheeks. “Does that mean you’ve started worshipping a different god? Aren’t you afraid your gods will punish you? They could curse you with leprosy or cover you in boils or, even worse, make you impotent!”

  “You don’t need to worry,” he assured her. “They’re greedy gods, not jealous ones. Besides, the Great Rabbit isn’t real. At least I don’t think he is”

  The corners of her lips slowly turned downwards. “Wait, are you saying you made him up? That you made up everything?”

  “That’s right.”

  “But… but I think people actually believed you.”

  “Good, I’d feel silly if they didn’t.”

  “Why would you do that?!”

  Waldo shrugged his shoulders. “To practice my lying. It’s a skill like any other and needs to be worked on. Since we’ll be travelling together for at least a week I thought I’d take advantage of the opportunity and the captive audience.”

  “So, you invented a god just to practice lying?!”

  “Yes.”

  “And a religion?”

  “Naturally, the two go hand in hand. It’s not that difficult, you should try it some time.”

  Alice grabbed a length of her hair and gave it a tug. “Really? You couldn’t think of anything better?”

  “Like what? Telling them that I’m a cat person? I decided that if I was going to lie to an entire caravan it should be as outrageous and entertaining a lie as possible.”

  Cleptus nodded and patted Waldo on the shoulder. “That’s good thinking. If you tell it with enough conviction even the craziest story starts to make sense. Like telling a girl you spent that hour alone with her sister just talking.”

  “Darling,” Alice continued tugging on her hair. “I think all this is a really bad idea. It might cause problems.”

  Waldo waved her concerns away. “Oh please, when has religion ever caused any trouble?”

  Chapter 4

  A MUCH Better Liar

  A week had passed. The caravan master had informed him that they would arrive Torikai tomorrow. Waldo was glad they had almost reached their destination. Starting tomorrow he expected to be busy with things that mattered. Still, the time with the caravan had proved surprisingly enjoyable. And he was sure that with all the practice he had improved as a liar.

  He finished up his evening meal and prepared for his nightly performance. The rest of the camp was seated around the cookfire waiting. Seven of them were in a row right up close to the flames. They were looking over at him expectantly. As he put his empty plate down and started to rise, Alice placed a hand on his shoulder.

  “Darling, maybe you shouldn’t. We’ll be in the Golden City tomorrow; do you really have to do this?”

  He patted her hand. “It’s the last time, so why not? Besides, it’s fun.”

  “Fun. Right.” Alice sighed and let go.

  Waldo strolled over to his nightly spot before the fire. He placed both hands behind his head, palms out. “The love of the Rabbit unto you.”

  The seven people seated closest to him jumped to their feet and returned the gesture. “And unto you as well,” they chorused and then sat back down.

  “Brothers and sisters, tomorrow we arrive in Torikai. My duties will take me away from you, but never forget what I have taught you about the Great Rabbit, Kookoocachoo. He is a god of love and mercy, who believes in Unity, Justice, and Peace. Whom all members of my Order serve. Always remember that the ways of Avalon are strange and enigmatic, even if a White Mage pretends ignorance of the Great Rabbit, or even denies his very existence, know there is a reason! Never question our methods, for we plot to take over the world in his name. Just know that whatever we say or do there is always a hidden meaning to it. Trust in the wisdom and goodness of the Great Rabbit!”

  The seven followers nodded vigorously.

  “Remember that anyone can be part of the Great Rabbit’s herd. All that it requires is that you love and follow him. He will watch out for you and for all the members of his herd. When you die you will go directly to Rabbit Paradise where there are no wolves or foxes and you will spend eternity in peace, basking in the love of Kookoocachoo. Your joy will be eternal and absolute, and you will never again know sadness or pain.”

  “What about the gold and women?” Cuthbert, one of the seven asked. He had buck teeth and splotchy skin.

  “Everyone in Rabbit Paradise gets their own castle with piles of gold and servants and six beautiful women to satisfy your every need.”

  “Last time you said there were ten,” Cuthbert told him.

  “Ah, yes, I meant to say ten. It’s definitely ten.”

  Behind him, Waldo could hear Alice groan.

  “What do the women get?” Gerta asked. She was a wagon driver and the only other woman travelling with the caravan besides Alice. She was stout, with hips as wide as her shoulders and another of his followers.

  “The women all still get a castle, gold, and servants; but instead of other women, they each get ten husbands who will tell them how beautiful they are, extoll the wonders of their breasts, never ever call them fat, and hug them for as long as they want.”

  Gerta gave an ecstatic squeal.

  “All the Great Rabbit asks in return for these blessings is that you love each other work to fulfill his goal, taking over the world.”

  “How will we know what exactly he wants us to do?” Derren asked. He was the head of the caravan’s guards and had become the leader of the followers.

  “Whatever is good for the herd is good for the Great Rabbit. Love and help each other. Spread his name and tell others of his greatness. Tell everyone that we White Mages are his servants and do everything in his name. Do this and you will serve the Great Rabbit well.”

  Seven heads bobbed up and down.

  “But also keep in mind that while the Great Rabbit is a god of love and mercy, he also has a practical side. His love is only for the herd. Those who reject him are pure evil. Kookoocachoo won’t care what you do with people like that. If they get in the way of the Great Rabbit’s work, or you don’t like them, or they look different from you, or they have something you want, feel free to do whatever you like. For our god is merciful and just, but only to his herd.”

  Again, seven heads nodded up and down.

  The caravan master stood up and held up a cautious hand. “Wait, Master Rabbit, you’re not saying it’s all right to attack other people just because they worship a different god, are you?”

  Waldo sent the man a cold look. “Are you questioning the teachings of Kookoocachoo?”

  “I’m just asking-”

  Waldo pointed at him and began to shout. “BLASPHEMER!!! Heretic! Betrayer! Liar! Molester of small children! Pig fucker! Rabbit eater! Anyone who challenges my religious beliefs can only be a monster!”

  Horace’s jaw opened and closed in wordless confusion. The followers all turned furious gazes in his direction. The man quickly fled back to his wagon.

  “I am afraid that is the kind of bigotry and hatred you will face,” Waldo continued. “But don’t let the doubts and questions of the unbelievers shake your faith. Always remember! You are right, and they are wrong, and what they think doesn’t matter!”

  Derren and the rest agreed completely. Waldo preached to them for about another hour before finally turning in.

  XXX

  “Congratulations darling,” Alice said inside the tent they shared. “You’re a cult leader.”

  “I know,” he answered with pride. “I wish there were some way I could tell mother. Well, it’ll make a delightful story when I get back home.”

  “I can’t believe you’re actually happy about tricking those poor people!”

 
“Why wouldn’t I be? I wanted to work on my lying and I’ve definitely improved. I mean could a poor liar convince seven people to pledge their lives and their immortal souls to a rabbit?”

  “You must be so proud,” Alice said, voice thick.

  “I am.”

  “And what happens when they start talking about all this to the people they meet in the city? They think this rabbit god is the god of the White Mages. Don’t you have enough trouble with them already?”

  “Causing them trouble is exactly what I want. Anything I can do to damage their standing is good. If this embarrasses them at all it was worth doing just for that.”