Preservation

by Rachael Wade

  “What’d I miss?” He eyed Crystal as he took a bite of a falafel, sitting down next to her on the couch. The aromas in my living room were too much. I scurried over to the window and cracked it, leaning out to take a whiff of fresh air, breathing in then out slowly, evenly.

  “She’s having another episode.” Crystal replied, dipping her burrito in some foul-smelling sauce.

  “Do I need to get Carter over here? Do we need to have an intervention, Kate?”

  “Dean, I’m really not in the mood for your and Carter’s stand-up act today,” I flashed him a warning with my eyes. His chewing slowed, eyebrows rose. “I have to go to work soon, I just...I don’t know what to say to make him understand that I’m sorry. Can’t he understand how much I have on my plate right now?” Dean and Crystal looked down at their lunches on their laps, chewing quietly when they realized what I meant. I’d decided to drop charges on Mark and Eric, wanted absolutely nothing to do with court, the police, testifying—none of it. They were already facing sentencing for possession of the drug, and that was enough for me. Some called it denial, lack of justice.

  I called it moving on.

  The counselors, the nurses—they all assured me that it was my right to forego charges, that women chose not to pursue their assailants all the time. As much as I wanted those assholes to pay for what they’d done—or tried to do—I wanted peace even more. Quiet. Distance. To start over and pretend the whole nightmare never happened. Only I had Ryan’s absence to remind me of the incident every second, with each stroke of the clock’s hand.

  It was excruciating.

  “I’ll be fine,” I added, crossing my arms and resuming my pacing, “we’ll be fine. He’ll come back. I’ll go to work this afternoon and when I come home, he’ll be here.”

  Crystal cleaned up the last of her lunch, eyeballing Dean, jumping when my cell phone chimed. I listened to it ring for a second, then hurried to pull it out of my pocket and answer. Ryan. It’s Ryan. Flipping it open, I realized I didn’t recognize the number. Shit. Not Ryan.

  “Hello?” I answered half-heartedly.

  “Ms. Parker? This is Leslie from Simon and Warden. I’m just calling to confirm your appointment with Mr. Hall tomorrow at 2:00, the one you rescheduled.”

  “Oh, yes,” I let out a breathy whisper, recalling the appointment Ryan rescheduled for me with the other publisher. The important one, the only one, especially now that Burgess was out of the picture. “Of course, thank you. I’ll be there at 2:00 sharp.”

  “Excellent. Thank you and see you then.”

  Shutting my phone, I blinked. “I completely forgot. I have to meet with this publisher tomorrow. The one Ryan set me up with...” He thought to reschedule it for me the day after the gala, when I was sick in bed, dealing with the aftermath. The publisher was willing to hold off for a few weeks due to my sickness. And he didn’t cancel it, which meant...he still wanted me to go. To be successful. Even if he was upset with me. Even if...

  Dean cleared his throat and stood, gathering the trash from his lunch, Crystal standing with him. “Uh...the other one? The one he wanted you to make a deal with instead of...”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh.”

  Crystal nudged him in the ribs.

  “I mean, that’s great! Go for it, Kate,” he added, shrugging at her. Pressing my lips together and shutting my eyes, I lowered myself to the couch’s edge, placing my hands on my forehead.

  “I can barely concentrate enough to get through the work day, let alone prepare myself for this meeting. I need to make this right with Ryan. I need to...this is...how can I...” My throat constricted, choking on my mass of conflicted emotions. I was all over the damn place, too shaken up to think straight.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” Crystal kneeled down next to me, peering up to peek between the cracks of my fingers. Dean joined her, peeling my hands from my face. “Ryan would’ve wanted you to go after this, no matter what,” she said, a wry smile pulling at her lips. “Seriously, Kate, you should go and sign this contract, regardless of what happens with you and Ry.”

  This time, Dean nudged Crystal in the ribs. “You should go talk to him after work,” he said. “You both need to talk. You can’t avoid each other, can’t end things like this.”

  He was right. I needed closure. “I’m the one who wants to talk, Dean. What if he’s really...he must really be done...with me.”

  “Well, sitting here sulking about it isn’t going to solve anything. He’s hurt and angry because he loves you. What happened to you...what he and Carter saw that night...”

  “It terrified him,” Crystal finished for him. “No one is trying to make light of what you went through, Kate. It’s just...he felt helpless. So he’s angry. You must know that.”

  “I do.”

  “Then go,” Dean said, voice firm.

  “I’ll go see him tomorrow, right after my appointment at Simon and Warden.” I was too chicken-shit to go over there that night. My nerves weren’t ready. I needed just one more day to collect my thoughts, plan out everything I wanted to say. He needed to see the intensity in my eyes, hear the sincerity in my voice. He needed me standing in front of him, honest, open, and vulnerable. Guard down. That’s what he wanted. “I’ll be ready tomorrow.”

  ***

  Arriving at Simon and Warden the next day was unnerving. The bustling lobby welcomed me with all sorts of sounds: rustling paper, elevator hums, phones ringing, people chatting, but none of them could distract me from the contrast that meeting had created, the difference I felt compared to the unease that accompanied my original arrangement with Burgess. Just thinking his name made the bile rise in my throat. I could hear the pull of his belt buckle, feel his repulsive breath on my cheek, his greasy fingertips gliding over my thighs.

  I stepped through the rotating doors and swallowed the bile down, gripping my shoulder bag tightly by my side. This meeting would be different. I’d redeem myself in the publishing world, walk away with something much better than what he could have offered—just as Ryan had said.

  Ryan.

  My heart sank in my chest but I steeled myself and stepped into the elevator, asking the woman in front of me for the 10th floor. I’d set things right with him after this meeting.

  The elevator doors slid open to reveal a swanky lobby and chic reception desk, the walls a deep burgundy, the carpets muted gray, a provincial gold mirror the focal piece behind the desk. I was immediately intimidated. Was I ready for this? Focused enough? It had been one hell of a week.

  “May I help you?” A perky brunette greeted me, the phone receiver to her ear.

  “Yes, I’m here to see Mr. Hall at two o’clock. I’m Kate Parker.”

  “Okay, certainly, Ms. Parker. Please have a seat and I’ll be with you in just a moment.”

  The plush chair warmed my legs, and I sat twiddling my fingers, mentally mulling over what I’d say to Mr. Hall. From what Ryan had told me, he was already interested in the manuscript just the way it was, and the deal was practically in the bag. I’d sit back and listen to his concerns, his agenda, and tie up the meeting with any lingering questions I’d like answered before I signed anything. Damn it. You should have written your questions down, should’ve prepared more.

  Before I had time to mentally chastise myself any further, the double doors to the left of the reception desk opened and I froze, hearing a familiar, warm, throaty chuckle. A deeper, firmer laugh accompanied it, the sound echoing out into the lobby area.

  “Well, it’s been a pleasure, Ryan,” the deeper, business-like voice said.

  What? Ryan’s here?

  My heart jumped into my throat, chin lifted, eyes searching for him.

  “Likewise, Bob. I really appreciate you squeezing me in and I look forward to—”

  He stopped cold when he saw me.

  I swallowed, eyes darting between him and Mr. Hall, unsure whether to stand and speak, to greet them both, or simply remain still and let them say their goodbyes. Ryan lo
oked sophisticated and sexy, decked out in a finely cut charcoal gray suit and classic black tie, briefcase at his side. Accepting Mr. Hall’s handshake, he stammered something unintelligible while he kept his gaze trained on me. I rose to my feet, clasping my hands in front of me, a vague ache churning in my stomach. I had to say something to him in passing, had to speak up. I missed him so damn much, and seeing him unexpectedly like this made me want to launch myself straight into his arms.

  Bob Hall’s eyes flickered toward me, following Ryan’s gaze, a friendly, confused expression on his face as he released Ryan’s hand. I hadn’t realized my feet had carried me just mere inches from the two men until I was standing practically nose to nose with them, my lips parted, hesitant.

  “Uh, hello, Kate,” Ryan said, his expression indifferent, eyes distant. “Fancy seeing you here,” he cleared his throat and swiveled his head to Mr. Hall. Fancy what? “Bob, this is Kate Parker, the former student of mine that was just signed with Porter and Whalen.”

  Former student...come again? “What? Porter and—”

  Mr. Hall’s enthusiastic gasp startled me. “Ah, yes! Kate Parker, why Ryan here just informed me that Porter and Whalen snatched you up in the nick of time this morning, before our meeting today. A big congratulations to you, young lady. You’re going to be working with a fantastic house, although I wish you would’ve given us a chance, you know,” he let out that same deep, baritone laugh, giving Ryan a jovial pat on the back. “But this worked out great. Your appointment didn’t go to waste after all. I was more than thrilled to fit Ryan in today to take a look at his work, and it looks like he’ll fit right in here.”

  My lips twitched and I blinked, brow pulling down in confusion. Why would Ryan tell this man I’d signed over at Porter and Whalen? He’d blatantly lied to him? My eyes darted back to Ryan’s for a brief second, but he gave nothing away. A fake, empty smile painted his face and the perky brunette receptionist tapped me from behind on the shoulder. It took me a moment to register that she wanted my attention.

  “Um, I’m sorry, Ms. Parker—my apologies for interrupting, gentleman—” she glanced at the men in front of me, “but it seems we don’t have an appointment for you with Mr. Hall at 2:00 today. It was canceled this morning by your new agent.”

  “I’m sorry?” I pivoted and glanced at her over my shoulder. “I don’t have a new—”

  “He canceled for you the moment you signed with Porter and Whalen this morning,” she murmured, practically whispering, her head bowed. Damn. Were we in the presence of royalty or something?

  “Huh. How about that. Great timing, right?” Mr. Hall gave the three of us a friendly smile, casually slipping his hands in his pockets. “Good thing you called when you did this morning, Ryan. Let me see the latest draft by noon tomorrow, okay? It’s a pleasure, Kate,” he extended his hand, glancing at his watch. “Best of luck with your career.” With another friendly smile and loose handshake, Mr. Hall let go of my hand and excused himself, and the receptionist returned to the desk, leaving me and Ryan standing alone in the middle of the lobby.

  My throat tightened as my eyes roamed the room in search of some kind of answer. Ryan’s stiff posture and elusive gaze caused all color to drain from my face. Soft voices, cordial conversations, and the light buzzing of the office’s phone filled the space around us, but all of it was drowned out by the blaring scream that stretched between us, unspoken yet perfectly audible and fine tuned. Finally catching his gaze, I locked my eyes with his in understanding.

  He’d done this deliberately.

  “Wow,” my voice cracked. “That’s...a low blow.”

  Ryan’s jaw tensed and he lowered his chin, eyes darting up and around, anywhere but at me. “It is. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, Kate.”

  “No...” I shook my head, backing up, moving toward the elevator. “You’re not.” I stumbled when I hit the wall, absentmindedly turning to hit the elevator button. “And yes...you did.” He remained there in the middle of the lobby, gaze cast down, hands in pockets, jaw tight.

  “Kate, listen...” his voice came out in a breathless whisper, and when his eyes rose to meet mine, the warmth, the sadness finally showed, peeking through the coldness, stretching outward to reach me, the muscles over his cheekbones taut and tortured.

  “No,” I turned to face the door, voice dry, shoulders limp. “I deserve it, right?”

  “I didn’t do this to burn you.”

  Wow. That’s just...wow. I swallowed hard. “Right. I have to say, I’m shocked. This is....bitter. Really bitter, Ryan. This isn’t you.” The elevator announced its arrival with a shrill ding sound and the doors floated open. A woman stepped off and left me standing in front of an empty, gaping space. A hole to crawl into, one I’d desperately need in three...two...one...

  “I’m happy you’ve stepped up to take what’s yours. You deserve it. Well, best of luck with your debut novel.” Stepping into the elevator, my fingers shot forward and met the garage button.

  Ryan’s hand caught the doors before they closed in my face, effectively managing to bump them open again. I looked down at my shoes.

  “I’m just watching out for myself from now on,” he nodded, carefully keeping his distance. Smart man. “I know that’s something you can understand.”

  Stupid man.

  Everything in me wanted to scream, hurl a thousand insults in his direction, attack back with some form of hurt that would leave him with the same pain he’d just inflicted on me. But he already had enough. Even in my pride, I knew this.

  Straightening my shoulders, I lifted my chin and our eyes met. “Go ahead. Run. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?” Be mine, please. Don’t run from me again. His words came back to haunt me, stabbing me square in the heart.

  Ryan dropped his hand and held my stare, rolling back on his heels to let the doors slide closed. The silence surrounded me and suddenly the last place I wanted to be was in a hole, enclosed and trapped. Instead of hiding, I wanted to breathe, soar, feel the wind envelop me in freedom. Wanted to go anywhere but here, anywhere but this beautiful speck on the map that I called home. But where to go? What to do? Only one thing could give me clarity, tell me exactly where I needed to be.

  The atlas.

  19. ROOM WITH A VIEW

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Kate. Take it easy,” Carter tried catching my elbow as I paced back and forth in front of him, moving from the dresser to the suitcase on my bed. “This is crazy, this is...beyond crazy, even for you. I can’t let you do this, a best friend does not let someone demolish her life over some asshole.” A week had passed while I waited for my expedited visa to process, and Carter was still trying to convince me to rethink my decision.

  “Carter, we both know he wasn’t just some asshole. And I can assure you, this losing-my-mind thing isn’t just about Ryan. It’s about all of it—my life—everything. Please. Try to grasp that.”

  “So taking off across the globe is the answer to—your life? What about your job, school...shit, Kate. Stop and think!”

  “Carter,” I raised my voice, slamming my dresser drawer, swinging around to hold his gaze, begging, pleading for him to see the longing, my spirit. “Don’t you get it? That’s all I do. Think. I think so damn much I trap myself. Look where it’s gotten me. For once in a very long time—possibly ever—I’m not going to think. This is my gut, my heart. I just know what I have to do. The atlas told me.” I let out an exasperated laugh, turning to zip my suitcase and search my purse for my passport and wallet. After Ryan officially severed our ties at Simon and Warden, I’d come home and flipped open my mom’s atlas to a random page, vowing to myself to go to whichever location I landed on. Carter was on the verge of stroking out. Hell, I was on the verge of stroking out.

  “Oh my God,” Carter slapped his hand to his forehead, eyes wide. “The atlas told you? So now this book of maps—” he reached for it from the nightstand and flipped through it frantically, waving it in my face, “it’s a Magic
Eight Ball? An oracle? An answer to the meaning of life? ”

  Still digging through my purse, I stopped cold.

  “Hey,” I said, softer this time, turning to tug on his hand and pull him in front of me. Tears brimmed my eyelids as I peered up at him. “I love you. Have I ever told you that? Like really told you?”

  Staring intently at me, his voice came out small and winded. “You don’t have to.”

  “Because you know. You feel it.”

  “Yes...”

  “My lease is paid. I don’t have to worry about rent...for a while. My time at the literacy center is up. I’ve felt it. When I was sure this book deal would go through...I was ready to leave but was still afraid, wanted to play it safe. They knew, okay? Not long ago I gave them a heads up I’d be leaving soon.”

  “That’s logical, Kate. Normal. Smart. You. This,” he tossed the atlas down onto the bed next to us, “I don’t know who this girl is. You’re scaring the shit out of me over here. After that night—”

  “Don’t.” I put my finger to his lips, took a deep breath. “I’m stable. I’m not avoiding what happened to me and I’m not pretending that it didn’t screw with my head, Carter. What I’m telling you is this thing with Ryan...and what happened to me that night...it all brought everything else to light—the reason I push people away, all the shit I’ve been avoiding. It’s time to face it. This has all been a gift.”

  “A gift.”

  “Yes. You don’t have to understand this girl you see standing in front of you. I’m sorry you’re worried about me. But this girl is going to be okay. For once she’s not going to run away from everything.”

  “You’re going to the West Indies. With palm trees. And coconuts. Fruity drinks with umbrella straws.”

  Soft laughter shook my chest and I squeezed his hand, peering up at him with every ounce of genuine platonic love I could muster. “This time I’m running toward something.”