Preservation

by Rachael Wade

  “Rum and jellyfish burns?”

  “Maybe,” I giggled again, wiping my eyes. “I don’t know yet. That’s why it’s a gift.”

  “Well,” he took a deep breath and reached around me for the atlas, “let’s make sure you catch that flight.” Walking to my suitcase, he unzipped the top flap and slid the atlas inside. “The world is waiting.”

  ***

  Leaving my apartment key with Carter, I hugged him goodbye at the airport and made my way to my gate. Dean and Crystal were working, so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I missed them instantly. Our plane landed in St. Lucia at dusk, the customs guards and sweltering humidity welcoming us at the airport. A rusty old jeep with no air conditioner drove me up the mountain, slowing down only for a mongoose crossing alongside the rickety road. An old man passed by with his goat and a machete in hand, and smiled at me through the open window. You could see his soul in those eyes.

  My room—if that’s what it was called— at the Ladera Resort stole my breath and my equilibrium right along with it the second I arrived. Recovering my balance from the head rush brought on by the steep drive up the mountain, I shut the door behind me, dropped my bags and gripped my chest, in awe of the tree house of a room that surrounded me alongside a hilltop paradise. The volcanic Piton Mountains sat to the east, the Caribbean Sea directly in front, and holy shit—a plunge pool. My own plunge pool, with a waterfall, in my room. Sure I’d entered heaven on Earth, I raced across the dark tropical hardwood floors and searched for my phone, shrieking as I dodged beetles and winged insects at my feet. There were only three walls holding up the room, which was virtually open, the view a gaping, spectacular space that revealed a drop right offside the mountain. Note to self: Do not drink fruity drinks with umbrellas and stand at the ledge of that drop. Do not do that.

  I stared at the ledge a moment more and then the tangerine sunset, mesmerized. Oh! The phone. Remembering the task at hand, I rang Carter and sighed in relief at the sound of his voice.

  “You haven’t burnt down my apartment yet, have you?”

  “Oh ye of little faith,” his voice rustled, a dry, tired laugh. “How was the flight?”

  “Good. Really good. I’m supposed to be at the school tomorrow at nine a.m. I’m so nervous. How’s Dean? And Crystal, is she doing okay?”

  “Kate. You’ve only been gone a day, woman. And don’t be nervous, you’re going to be just fine. You’ll be great with the kids. You got this.” A loud clang made me wince and pull the phone from my ear.

  “Carter?”

  “Speaking of Dean...and burning the apartment down...”

  “Oh no.”

  “God help me. He’s cooking. We made an arrangement. He’s going to stay here while I’m at work and then I’ll take over when he’s gone. Just so someone is here as much as possible to look after the place. I’m getting ready to leave, actually.” Another loud clang made me cringe. “Dean! Not that pan, man, use the other pot on the counter. Crap,” his voice muffled, “he wants to talk to—”

  “Kate, my love!” Dean’s faux British voice replaced Carter’s. Oh, Lord. I shut my eyes and settled into the loveseat, not quite ready to leave my shiny new inner-island Zen to tune into his kooky madness. Still, hearing him made me smile. “Have you had the pleasure of using one of those breathing-tube thingies yet? You know, that you swim with?”

  “A snorkel?”

  “Ah, yes! Jolly good, those snorkels. Well, have you?”

  “Ha ha, no, Dean. I just arrived at the hotel, you know that. But when I use one, I’ll certainly give you an update.”

  “Well, in the meantime, Carter and I have been discussing the matter of Ryan.” This time it wasn’t the clang of a pan I heard, but instead a messy smack—the contact of Carter’s backhand with Dean’s head, I presumed. “Just hear me out. You have options. I have an Italian uncle. He’ll make sure Ryan is sleeping with the fishes by next week.”

  “Dean!” Unable to repress my amusement, my eyes flew wide and my grin grew.

  “Either that, or we can go all Sweeney Todd on him and—”

  “Oh, will you stop?” My laughter was crippling. “There will be no calls to your uncle and no trip to the barber shop—please, leave Sweeney Todd out of it. My business with Ryan is water under the bridge and I don’t want to hear about it again, got it? At least not for three months.” The reality of that statement hit me. How would I get by without my best friends for three whole months?

  “Kate?” His British accent switch flipped off when silence filled the receiver, voice low and soft. “Are you sure...I mean, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, Dean. I’m okay,” I let out a long, slow breath, rolling my head back onto the couch pillow, fanning my raven locks out to run my fingers through them.

  “Because it’s okay to miss him, you know.”

  I waited.

  “I do miss him...of course I miss him. I think....I miss him more now that I’m on the other side of the world. Thank you for asking.”

  After a few more updates and plenty of laughs, we hung up and I was left alone in the muggy, dark, tropical silence. A bat swooped down over the pool, nearly scaring the piss out of me. Turning on the lamp closest to the sofa, I stood and walked to the room’s edge, dipping my toes in the pool. Gazing down over the slope of the mountain, the lush terrain enveloped me in sentiment, making me aware that this was a moment, this moment in silence, that I would remember always. My gaze drifted from the life down below out to the sea, the light breeze calling me to it with ethereal grace. Somewhere out there was an alternate me, one who never went to the gala that night, one who wasn’t standing here amongst this beauty, wishing she had someone to share it with.

  Sounds of the rainforest permeated the side of the mountain and pushed into my room, reminding me of the falseness of alternate realities and the honesty of the present. There was no room for anything else tonight. Only honesty. Only this. Ryan was gone.

  ***

  “Nanette, this is Ms. Parker. She’s going to be working with you from now on every morning before class. Well, what do you say?” Estelle, my new supervisor, introduced little Nanette to me, one of the students I’d be tutoring Monday through Friday.

  “Hi, Ms. Parker,” her soft little voice rose from the ground to meet me, her eyes cast down, flawless ebony skin beautiful in the morning sunshine. The brightness poured in from the classroom windows, while children chattered away, and old-fashioned chalkboard dust floated amidst the sunlight.

  “Call me Kate, Nanette.” I stood in the classroom doorway, my hands clasped in front of me, lips pressed tight. I always felt so awkward around children, never knew what to say. Kids were great, but the words always failed me for reasons I couldn’t quite grasp. At the literacy center in Seattle, I was used to working with teenagers with learning disabilities, or adults who never learned to read and needed help finding employment. Bending down to come to her level, I extended a hand and decided to approach her as an adult. “It’s very nice to meet you. I can’t wait to start reading with you. Are you looking forward to it?” She gave me her tiny hand, nodding her head with a shy smile. “Good. I am too.” Standing to my feet again, I turned to Estelle. “Where would you like me to put my things?”

  She placed her hands on Nanette’s shoulders and glanced around. “Oh, anywhere behind that desk will do for now. I’ll show you around later this morning so you can see the lunchroom. And I’ll check with administration about your living quarters. Last I heard, you won’t need to stay at the hotel for long. They’re just waiting for Nina to move her things out so you’ll have a room at the apartment.”

  I smiled, recalling the hilltop heaven I left this morning to head to work. “I’m not complaining. The Ladera is breathtaking.”

  “Isn’t it, though? Pricey, but worth every dollar, that’s for sure.” She kneeled down and quietly asked Nanette to take her seat, then led me out into the corridor. “Before you get started, I just wanted to tell you how grateful I a
m that you were able to fill in like this for us on such short notice. When we received your call, we were thrilled to have someone with your background. Usually we have to go through a lengthy process to find a new tutor, you know. Usually takes us weeks to hire someone and get them settled. And we were in quite the jam. What brings you all the way to St. Lucia? You seemed very eager to start as soon as possible.”

  We casually strolled down the hallway as doors closed around us and classes began. “Well, I’m very happy I could be of help, and I’m just as grateful that there was an opening like this. It really suits me perfectly. Thank you so much for helping me to expedite the visa process so that I could begin working right away.” I cleared my throat. Oh, the other question. “I was—am—very eager to start. I admit I came here on a bit of a whim, but I don’t regret it one bit.” I looked down, the ache in my gut prompting a dull throb at the mere mention of what’d driven me here. “This is a temporary assignment, but a welcome one. Let’s just say I needed a change of scenery.”

  “Oh? I see,” Estelle smiled curiously, stopping to turn and rest her hand on my shoulder. “Well, we certainly need you.” She gestured for me to follow her back toward the classroom and I tucked her words way deep down, tattooed them on my heart, certain she had no idea that I needed her, this position, much more than she needed me.

  ***

  “Any word...from him?” I asked Carter, fixing myself a fresh salad in the kitchen.

  “Uh, no, sorry Kate. I’ve seen him around campus, but we steer clear of each other...”

  “Good.”

  “Good?”

  “Yeah. Better that way, I guess.” It had only been less than a week since I’d arrived in St. Lucia, but it felt like a year.

  “Kate...”

  “Carter...”

  “Fine, if that’s how you want to play it,” he sighed through the phone, and I swore I could see his expression, as clear as if he were sitting right next to me. “So they haven’t moved you into your apartment yet? You sure you’re okay on cash? That place is a fortune.”

  I mixed some crisp sprouts into the wooden bowl, a blast of warm heat hitting my back from the room’s cliff opening. “Yeah, it’s okay. If I was worried about the cash, I wouldn’t have picked this place. I budgeted the money to spend two week’s worth on accommodations here, just in case they didn’t have the apartment ready yet. My boss said it’ll be ready Tuesday, so I won’t have to stay much longer.”

  “Bummer.”

  “Ha ha, right? I wish you and Dean could see this place, Carter. There’s literally no fourth wall in my room. I’m in the side of a mountain, with a cliff drop that opens up to a view of the ocean. It’s surreal. We’ll have to all come and visit together some day so you can see it for yourself.”

  “Uh huh...sure. Maybe when my student loans are paid, I can ditch Ramen Noodles for my main course, and our band gets a real record deal. Then, maybe...”

  “Damn. That’s depressing.”

  “Thank you, Ms. Sunshine, spreading good cheer wherever you go.”

  “When duty calls,” I smirked into the phone, well aware he could read my expression just as easily.

  “Hmm, no wall. So what about bugs? You hate bugs.”

  “I’m making do. They’re everywhere, but the bed has nets over it.” As I tossed the salad, a bird flew into my room and landed on an end table. “Besides,” I turned to stare at it over my shoulder, “the no-wall thing has its perks. It’s not just the ugly stuff that makes its way inside.” Keeping my eyes on the bird, I listened as he chirped a musical sound and stared back, tilting his head. “Anyway, I’m about to eat some dinner. Long day tomorrow and then I have to find out what to do for my first whole weekend off on the island.” Plopping down at the kitchen table, I poured myself some wine, scaring the bird off. It zipped over the living room and then the pool, back out into the wild.

  “Maybe you can pick up a new boyfriend, mon,” his voice transitioned into an awful Jamaican accent.

  “Carter, you are aware Jamaica is not the West Indies, right?”

  “Can’t you just let a man have a little fun?”

  “Be my guest. Have a blast. But I’m going to eat my meal now.”

  “Okay. Call me tomorrow.”

  “Mmkay.”

  Setting my phone down, I sipped some wine and peered out to take in the view of a bright blue sky and a sun on the brink of sinking down behind the Pitons. Quick, quiet tears suddenly spilled over my lids and onto my cheeks. All the life one wall’s absence brings into this room. It overwhelmed me, penetrating walls of my own, enticing the life behind them to brave its way through the rubble and seek its own spectacular view of the world. One with its own ocean and setting sun, signaling the promise of a future sunrise, another day. Picking my phone back up, I scrolled to Ryan’s number and pressed “delete.”

  20. POUND OF FLESH

  “I can’t,” Nanette said to me, her tiny hands gripping the ends of the book with frustration. Every few seconds she’d peel the corners of the pages, then look up at me with the same question in her eyes. “Can we stop now? I don’t wanna do this anymore.” I exhaled and leaned back in my chair, then in again, crossing my arms on the end of the table to peer into her dark brown eyes.

  “We can stop after this page, but you can finish this sentence. I know you can. You’re doing so well and I’m so proud of you today. Do you know how far you’ve come in a week’s time?” I slid the book closer to her chest and she kicked her legs under the table, swinging them back and forth, shaking her head. “Well, you’ve made me so proud this week and you’re learning so quickly. Before you know it, you’ll be reading this to yourself before bed time, just you wait.”

  Pointing to the last sentence, I nodded my head to encourage her and gave her a warm smile. “Start with this word right here, just this word. Sound it out like I taught you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Sound it out just as you have with the last five pages. Take your time, there’s absolutely no rush, and I’m right here to help you.”

  “You’ll make fun of me.”

  “Have I made fun of you yet? I have no reason to make fun of you. You’re inspiring me, Nanette. Learning to read is brave. You’re a very brave girl.” Reaching out, I playfully flicked her braid with my pencil and coaxed a small smile from her. “When you want to learn, sometimes you have to take risks. Someone might laugh at you; your feelings might get hurt. But then you’ll feel good because you were brave enough to try. Whether you pronounce the words right is not what will matter—not right now. What will matter is that you tried.”

  Her dark eyes found mine and held them for a moment before she scooted in closer to the table to look at the sentence. “But what if I mess up? Can’t I just read it to myself in my head? I don’t need to know how. Please, Kate?”

  “You do need to know how. You can’t just hide in the corner of the classroom and never learn because you’re afraid to fail.” I lowered my head and leaned in, whispering softly. “Pretend you’re in a secret fort. A tree house. I knock and you invite me in. It’s only me and you inside, surrounded by cozy walls and curtains, and we sit down to read together. We’re way up high and no one can see us, only the birds and the squirrels climbing up the branches, peeking through the fort windows. And me, the birds, and the squirrels all get together and make a secret pact to never tell a soul if you can’t pronounce a word. Think of us as a team, cheering you on, there to help you when you make a mistake, and there to give you great big hugs when we see you get it right. Nothing that happens here, during our reading time, will ever leave the fort.” With a tiny nudge to her elbow, I gave her another warm, encouraging smile, then lowered my eyes to the book, waiting. “Trust me. Now, will you let me into the tree house?”

  Her eyes darted to me, then down to the book. She hesitated, then her lips parted. “Be-be-beck...beck-uzz?”

  “Very good. Because. Now, the next word.”

  We went on for anothe
r twenty minutes, word by word, her need to look at me for assurance lessening with each new word, until slowly, she finished the page without one peek in my direction.

  ***

  Rushing into my hotel room, I dropped my bags and darted to the bathroom to shower. I had a half hour to dress and meet my coworkers at the resort restaurant for dinner and drinks. It was my first Friday night off on the island and my first time out with people from my new job. Knowing I only had a few months with them, I wanted to make the experience count and get to know them outside of work. There was Janine, the third grade teacher, a native islander; and Tanya, the principal’s assistant, who I’d shared my lunch break with all week long. Both sweet, both not much older than me.

  Smiling to myself as I mentally replayed the day’s events and my time with Nanette in my mind, I rinsed and threw on a white halter sun dress and a pair of gold sandals. Grabbing my clutch and checking my makeup in the mirror, I dashed to the front door, stopping short when something hit the tips of my toes outside the doorstep. My fingers gripped the door frame when I saw the shiny, crystal globe atop a stack of papers. A paper weight of some sort. Slowly bending down, I picked up the globe, reaching for the globe pendant around my neck, rubbing my fingers over them both, swallowing hard. Feeling the weight of the crystal in one hand, I dropped the pendant from the other and turned my attention to the stack of papers, running my fingers over the front page. My knees met the wooden floor when I saw the words. A dedication. A familiar one.

  To Jamie. Without you, this novel wouldn’t have been possible. Without you, I wouldn’t have found the love of my life. Without you, well... my life’s a hell of a lot clearer. Thanks for everything, and for nothing. You don’t even deserve this mention, but I do.

  And to Kate. You are the greatest accomplishment of my academic career. The world is at your feet, just as I am, always and forever.

  A soft murmur escaped my lips, my hand cupping my mouth as my eyes darted from side to side, searching the hallway. Grasping the doorframe with one hand, I pulled myself up, holding the globe and manuscript in the other. Feeling behind me to pull the door shut, the ring of my cell phone demanded my attention. I started meandering down the hall toward the restaurant, struggling to flip open my cell, thoughts scattering in a million different directions.