Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

“I’m going to run on the treadmill in your 24-hour secure building’s gym,” I said flatly. “No one can touch me. Isn’t that why you rented the fortress in the sky?”

  “No, you aren’t,” he said, standing up and walking over to me. He put his arms around me and pulled me to him very tightly. I didn’t hug him back. I knew that he was trying to remind me of him, and show me how much he loved me.

  I knew in that instant that my decision had been made a while ago. He was frantic for me to hug him back, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to pick my arms up. I just wanted to go for a run and be left alone.

  He picked me up and carried me to the couch snuggling me to him. “Baby, we need to talk. I’m very worried about you.”

  I moved away from him so that I could look in his eyes and have my own space. I could tell how anxious he was. “Let me begin,” he said. “I just want you to listen to me and not interrupt. Then I’ll give you the same courtesy.”

  My head started reeling.

  I nodded my head in agreement.

  “This past year has been hard on us. I had to leave you in College Station, the uncertainty of the draft, having Dallas draft me, spending long hours away from you, fighting hard for the quarterback job, playing at a higher level and all that entails. I didn’t see you near as much as I had hoped. Then we’ve been thrown back together for the last six weeks trying to make up for lost time. I can see the toll that it has taken on you. You’ve lost weight. You are distracted. You keep pushing me away. I am too selfish of a man to let you run away from me. I need to know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours because the thoughts that I am having are very scary.”

  I let out a sigh. Everything Colin said was true. Part of me was really relieved that he’d called me on it. The other part of me hated having these sorts of conversations and had hoped that I could dodge it as long as possible.

  My heart was beating out of my chest. My palms were sweaty. I knew that I was on the verge of a panic attack. I took a couple of deep breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out.

  His face turned from one of concern to one of terror. I think he knew what was coming next, and it wasn’t what he had expected when he started this conversation with me.

  I started, “Colin, I…” I stopped. I couldn’t seem to make the words come out of my mouth.

  I tried again. “Colin, I…”

  “For God’s sake, Caroline! You are scaring me. Just fucking say whatever it is.” His eyes were dilated. He was the most terrified that I had ever seen him.

  I took a deep breath. “Colin, I was accepted to Harvard Medical School.”

  September, Junior Year

  I WALKED out into the warm September Saturday sunlight after five of the most grueling hours of my life. It was over! Now, I just had to wait to see how I did.

  I could hear the fans at Kyle Field cheering. Unfortunately, the MCAT exam had coincided with a conference home game. Colin understood why I would be missing one of his games, but I hated not watching him play. Things had been so great since our breakup and make up. I’d actually spent some time at his private dorm. He’d quizzed me on some stuff for the MCAT. I’d made an effort to ask more questions about football and did some research on the draft. I had gained back some of the weight that I had lost, and Colin made a point of running with me every morning. I think that he did it to make sure that I wasn’t over doing it. I knew that I had dodged a bullet this time. My eating disorder was something that was never going to go away, but at least I had beat it back. Things were really, really good right now.

  I sent my family, Colin, and Rachael a quick text knowing that at least Colin and Rach wouldn’t receive it until after the game.

  Me: It’s over! I’m mentally spent. I feel good about it. I can’t wait for October to see if I will be taking it again.

  Then, I sent a text just to Colin.

  Me: I’m sorry that I am missing you running up the score. I love you. See you tonight, whatever time that might be.

  When I got home, I took off all my clothes. I crawled in my bed for an afternoon nap. My clean, cool sheets felt awesome against my naked body. My fan was turned on high, and my curtains were pulled making my room feel like a cave. I hadn’t felt this stress free in years. I fell asleep thinking about my quarterback.

  “Hey, baby, wake up.”

  I felt a huge, warm hand brushing my hair out of my face. I barely opened an eye and saw that it was 6:30. I had been asleep a long time.

  I rolled over and looked at him. I asked in a very sleepy voice, “Did you win?”

  “Don’t I always,” he said.

  There was no denying that the boy had swagger.

  “How many kisses do I owe you?” I asked, still trying to wake up.

  “Four, but I will let you off the hook if you get up, throw some clothes on and join me and my parents for dinner.”

  “Ugh! Colin, please for the love of God, don’t make me,” I grumbled. “Anyway what’s the deal with asking me to put clothes on? Usually you are begging me to take them off,” I teased.

  I tried to roll back over, but a huge hand reached out and stopped me.

  “Please. My parents are dying to meet the girl who will not marry me,” he stated.

  “That’s just great Colin. Did you tell them about our game?” I was now angry.

  “No, but I will if you don’t come eat with us,” he said, knowing that he had me.

  “Fine, but I want it noted that I am doing this under duress, and I am naked. You are asking a naked girl in bed to put clothes on,” I said.

  I had met Colin’s parents twice before. Once in my dad’s office (where we were not properly introduced) and the other time was before the lake house weekend. They had come for a visit, and Colin had invited them to go to Harry’s on Sunday night and watch us dance. They were very nice and bought everyone’s drinks for the evening. However, I am sure that they were just as confused as I was about our relationship status. I’m sure that they were very nice people, but I wanted to celebrate the Aggie’s win and taking the MCAT. I didn’t want to sit under a microscope for Colin’s parents to examine.

  I sashayed to my closet, taking my time. I wanted to make sure that Colin saw what he was asking to cover up.

  “Charlie, I know what you are doing. That body of yours is gorgeous, but my parents are waiting,” he said.

  I ignored him. I bent over, exposing my behind to him as I pulled up the tiniest pair of thong panties that I owned.

  “God, you have a gorgeous ass,” he complimented me.

  This game was obviously not working out how I planned. Damn him!

  I marched into my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans.

  “Charlie, I don’t mean to be difficult, but can you wear a dress? And maybe take those nothing panties off and put on some underwear that are big and baggy?” he asked with a smirk on his face.

  I threw my jeans on the ground and huffed back in my closet. I spotted the lavender wrap dress and silver ballet flats. I silently congratulated myself. Two can play at his game.

  I slipped the dress on in my closet and walked out for him to admire.

  “Thank you. That dress looks smoking hot on you. It must be because I bought it,” he said, smiling at me.

  I brushed out my long hair and put make-up on. I made sure that my eye shadow really accentuated my lavender eyes.

  “I’m ready lover boy. Let’s go meet the fam!” I said as I flashed him my bare behind.

  I held his hand as he led me into the restaurant. I saw a man about Colin’s size wave in our general direction. We walked to the table.

  His parents had a table in the corner of the restaurant. I was pleased, because I had noticed the stares that we were getting as we made our way to the table. I was very thankful that Colin had insisted that I go back into the closet and put panties on. I was feeling like an exhibit at the zoo. Maybe the Aggie fans will just let us enjoy our meal, I silently prayed.

  His father stood and introduce
d himself, “Hello Caroline, I’m Colin’s father, John. I know that we’ve seen each other before, but I don’t think that we have been properly introduced.” He was a tall man, maybe the same height as Colin. He had the same wavy hair, except his was greying around his temples. He was trim and fit. He obviously took good care of himself.

  His mother was one of the tiniest people that I had ever seen. She was maybe 5’1” in her flat sandals, and if she weighed over 100 pounds, I would have been shocked. Her hair was Texas blonde and perfectly hairsprayed in place. She had on a maroon blouse tucked into trouser jeans. I stuck out my hand and we shook as I introduced myself. “I’m Caroline, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Even her hand was dainty.

  “I’m Susan, Colin’s mother. It’s a pleasure to meet you also,” she said.

  It was clear that Colin had gotten his father’s size and wavy hair, but he looked just like his mother. Colin shook his father’s hand and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. They both clearly adored their son. There was no denying that.

  His dad began discussing the game. They were throwing around statistics like percent completion and quarterback rating. I just listened politely and drank my water.

  The waiter mercifully came and took our drink orders. No one else ordered alcohol so I opted for a Diet Coke.

  After the waiter left, it was apparently my turn to be quizzed.

  “Caroline, I hear that you are one of six girls. Your mother must be so busy,” Susan said.

  “Two of my sisters are from my father’s second marriage, but yes, we have kept my mom busy,” I politely replied.

  “Oh, your parents are divorced? Colin didn’t mention that,” she said.

  Whose parents aren’t divorced? Is that a big deal?

  “You know Colin is an only child. I’m not sure if I would know what to do with girls,” Susan laughed.

  Colin grabbed my hand so that his parents could see and said, “Caroline took her MCAT today.”

  That thankfully turned the conversation to a topic that I was very comfortable with.

  While dinner was on the table, they told me some funny stories about the small town outside of Austin that they still lived in and where Colin had played football.

  Colin’s dad worked for Dell Computers headquartered in Austin, but he preferred to raise his only son in a small community. Colin’s mom was the principal at a preschool in the town.

  She said that the students make Colin good luck cards before each game. I thought that was so cute. I glanced at his face while she was talking. He looked so relaxed and happy; I guess he was pleased at how well dinner was going.

  After we had finished our meal, John steered the conversation back to football.

  He said, “Mom and I are still trying to find cheap airfare for the game next weekend.”

  I hadn’t realized the game was not in College Station next weekend. Guess I was going to need to get a copy of the schedule.

  Colin said, “I understand if you can’t make it. Even though it is a conference game, we have a better record than the other team.”

  Susan quickly said, “Colin, you know that we don’t like to miss a game. We’ll be there even if Daddy has to open his wallet a little wider than he wants.”

  Susan and John then looked at me. “Are you traveling to the game?”

  Nothing like being put on the spot. Considering that I didn’t even know that the game was out of town, the answer would be no.

  Colin spoke up for me, “We haven’t discussed it yet.”

  I gave his knee a thank you squeeze under the table. He winced.

  “Colin, are you okay?” his dad asked.

  “I am just a little sore,” he said.

  As our dinner was drawing to a close, the waiter came over and said that someone had picked up our tab.

  Colin quickly said, “I can’t let someone pay for my meal.”

  His dad took out a $20 bill and handed it to the waiter. “Please make sure that this covers my son’s food.”

  They seemed so unsurprised that I guessed this happened frequently when they went out to dinner.

  We all stood and walked to the front door. Colin was only stopped four times to sign an autograph or receive congratulations.

  His parents and I stood outside talking about nothing in particular.

  When Colin finally made it out of the restaurant, his mother reached up as she stood on her tip-toes and gave her son a hug around his neck. Colin kissed her on the cheek.

  He said, “Mom and Dad thank you for coming to the game.”

  His mom said, “I love you Colin. Please take care of yourself.”

  His dad shook his hand and reminded him to take his supplements.

  They both graciously told me goodbye. Then his mother gave me a hug and said in my ear, “Don’t hurt my baby.”

  She didn’t see the look on my face because she was already walking toward their car.

  Colin did though.

  “What did my mother say?” he demanded when we were a safe distance away.

  “She said to not hurt her baby,” I answered.

  He apologized and I made a joke. That seemed to be our pattern for uncomfortable situations.

  He helped me into Bertha, and I noticed a little more gingerly climb for him in to the driver’s seat.

  “Colin, are you okay?” I asked.

  “I’m just sore. Even though I wasn’t sacked today, I still get sore every time I play. Your body never fully gets used to the abuse,” he explained. “What shall we do tonight, Ms. Collins?” he said, changing the subject.

  “You’re the one who played a football game today. You tell me,” I said.

  “You’re the one who kicked the MCAT’s ass today. You tell me,” he countered.

  I looked pretty in my dress and wasn’t the least bit tired after my marathon nap so I suggested going out.

  “What are Quinn and Jennifer doing tonight?” I asked. I really liked them and had missed hanging out this past month while I did nothing but study.

  “Well, actually they are having a party. Rachael and Aiden are going. We’re invited,” he said.

  “That sounds like fun. Why didn’t you tell me that to begin with?” I was really curious. An invite to their house seemed like fun.

  “It’s going to be a lot of the football team. I didn’t know if you were ready to walk into the lions’ den yet,” he explained with a hint of apprehension.

  “What’s wrong with the players?” Okay. Now, I was really, really curious.

  “You know. We’re guys. We give each other a hard time. They might not be as respectful to you as I would like.” Now he really sounded apprehensive.

  “Oh, Colin. How bad could it be?”

  Quinn and Jennifer had a cute, little two bedroom bungalow in Bryan, the town next to College Station. It’s the kind of neighborhood where kids still played in the streets and climbed trees. I was sure that the neighbors were horrified of Quinn and Jennifer. They liked to throw parties, and the guest list included most of the Aggie football team. Those boys could drink!

  We had to park about a half a mile up the road and walk to their house. Before I could spot their driveway, I heard, “Do my eyes deceive me? Is that Colin McKinney at a party?”

  “Fuck off, Ethan,” Colin said, laughing back.

  “Who is the lovely lady? Could this be the mythical girlfriend?” he teased.

  I stuck out my hand and smiled sweetly. “My name is Unicorn. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  He laughed and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. “I knew that anyone that would make Colin McKinney settle down had to be awesome.”

  After the fourth or fifth time that one of the guys made a comment about me taming Colin, I knew that Mr. McKinney has some explaining to do.

  I whispered in his ear, “What kind of male slut were you?”

  He laughed and smiled back and whispered in my ear, “The kind that always wore condoms.”

  That was not quite th
e answer that I wanted my potential children’s father to give me, but it could have been worse. It also explained why he just assumed that we were dating. In his mind, it was black and white. He didn’t have random sex with chicks because he liked me, therefore, we must be dating. Guy logic!

  We finally made our way to the house. Jennifer enveloped me in a hug. “I am so glad that you finally agreed to come to a team party. “

  I shot Colin a questioning look. This was my first invitation.

  “Jennifer, don’t overwhelm her. We want her to come back,” Colin admonished her.

  Jennifer took my hand and led me around introducing me to more people than I could count. They all seemed to know who I was. Most said that they had heard a lot about me. I didn’t know these people from Adam.

  After what felt like hours, I spied Colin surrounded by a group of people. I was shocked. He had a red Solo cup in his hand. I had only seen him drink water, except for at the lake house. I walked up beside him and touched his back. He was in the middle of telling a story and pulled me to him while he finished. He was so animated. I didn’t know this version of Colin.

  “Everyone, I would like for you to meet Caroline Collins,” he said to the group surrounding him.

  “Hi. I go by Charlie,” I said. “I would love to say that I have heard all about you, but I haven’t. Colin seems to not share much,” I said, flashing him an evil look.

  One of the guys chimed in and said, “It’s probably better that way.” The group gave me a collective chuckle. I still hadn’t spied Rachael and Aiden. I was tired of feeling like an exhibit at the museum and needed my best friend.

  Colin must have noticed my distress because he leaned down and asked me, “Is everything okay?”

  “Why does everyone at this party seem to know me, but I haven’t heard you mention any of their names even one time? I also have had confirmed for me that you have/had a reputation as a guy who sleeps around. So no, Colin, I am not okay,” I said all of this with a smile on my face. I didn’t want the spectators to know that I was upset.

  Colin excused us from the group and walked me into the backyard where we had a little more privacy. Before he could say anything, I added, “Also, the only time that I’ve seen you drink, you got so drunk that I was worried you had alcohol poisoning and now I see you drinking a beer.”