Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

  When he stopped walking and turned to me. He was furious. “First of all, I warned you that the guys give me a hard time. That’s how I know that they like me. God forbid that I have shared stories about you with them. I love you. That’s what people in love do. They talk about each other. Second of all, I was not a male slut as you called me. I bet if you took a poll of how many different girls that these guys have slept with, I would be near the bottom. I always wore a condom. You are the only person that I have ever slept with when I didn’t. I haven’t asked you to explain who you’ve fucked, and I frankly don’t think that I could stand to hear the answer because I know that you weren’t a virgin when we slept together for the first time. Finally, I am sipping on one beer. That does not make me an alcoholic. I’m really fucking sorry that you had to see me like that at the lake house. I haven’t done it very often, but sometimes I have to do something to shut my head up. You, if anyone, should understand that. Now, do we need to go home, or can you go in there and act like an adult instead of a petulant child?’

  “Wow! That’s some kind of soliloquy. Are you finished? Because I’ve got one for you Colin!” I said with just as much anger.

  “First of all, I could care less about the guys teasing you. I think that it’s funny. What I don’t like is that you haven’t shared any of these people with me before. Jennifer said that there were other invitations that you neglected to mention. These people are obviously important to you. I give a shit about anything and anyone that is important to you. Second of all, I don’t think either one of us cares about whom we slept with before each other. I would have just liked a clue so I didn’t feel blindsided when people were talking about it. I think that’s only fair. Finally, how dare you throw my eating disorder up in my face! You have no idea what it is like to have grown up in a divorced family. I watched my mom struggle with four little girls while my dad, his new wife, and two daughters lived like royalty. I had to be perfect so she wouldn’t have any more stress on her than she already did. Without any help from my father, she got four little girls dressed for school every day. She made our lunches, ironed our uniforms, polished our shoes, and helped us with our homework. She then worked forty plus hours a week so we had food on our table. Don’t even get me started on her running us to after school activities. Her life was exceptionally difficult because my dad broke his promise to her. You asking me to marry you every day scares me to death. I want a life with you Colin, but I don’t want to end up like my mom. My dad broke her and me when he left. I can’t put my heart out there and have you break it also. I have to have medical school so I can at least have a stable career if you decide that you want someone else instead of me. So you see, you putting yourself in a bottle of Jack Daniels a couple of times is not even in the same league as my eating disorder. If you ever bring it up like that again, I will be hard pressed to ever share anything that personal with you again. Now, do we need to go home, or can you go in there and act like an adult instead of petulant child?”

  He stood there staring down at me. I was not backing down. We were two incredibly stubborn people refusing to give in to each other. I was prepared to stay all night. I didn’t make it in a family with five sisters and not learn to fight.

  Finally, he said, “I love you Charlie. Get that through your head. I am not your dad. I am not going to walk out on you and leave you broken. You are my fucking life!” he yelled at me. In a much softer and calmer tone, he said, “I’m sorry about bringing up your eating disorder. You have no idea how proud I am of you. I love you, and I will never bring it up in an argument again. I have not mentioned the other invites because you were studying for the MCAT. Can we call this a draw and go enjoy the party?”

  “It’s a draw,” I said, taking his arm and walking back to join the action.

  I thankfully spotted Rachael and ran to her side. It was nice to have an ally. We helped ourselves to the keg of beer and found the porch swing empty. It was so nice to have an oasis in the middle of this sea of unknown. Thankfully, we were for the most part ignored. I hadn’t seen Colin, or Aiden for that matter, in quite a long time. We chit-chatted about girly stuff and laughed over old memories. It was such a relief to have the MCAT over with for the time being and feel free again.

  Somehow our drinks seemed to be bottomless because there always was someone willing to fetch us a refill. Suddenly, I had the urge to go to the restroom. I knew from stolen bits of conversation that Jennifer and Quinn only had one toilet and the line was a mile long.

  I leaned over to Rachael, “Honey, I have pee, and there is nowhere to go.” That was obviously the funniest that thing I had ever said because that launched a laughing fit. I guess the beer was getting to me.

  “I think we should pee out back behind that tree.” She pointed into the darkness at the shadow of a tree that had hidden Colin and my little spat. That set off another fit of giggles.

  “Let’s do it,” I said. That might be the craziest thing that I had ever done. The only time that I had ever used the restroom outside was when my mom took all four girls camping.

  We locked arms and headed off toward the tree. As we got closer, I saw the shadow of a girl and a boy in an obviously heated discussion. Then, to my horror, I realized it was Colin and another woman.

  It was obvious that she was gorgeous even in the moonlight. She looked like Eva Longoria, complete with rocking curves.

  Rachael tried to hold on to me, but she really didn’t have a prayer. I walked up, wrapped both arms around Colin’s waist and said in my nicest voice, “Who’s this, baby?”

  The tension was palpable. Whatever I’d just stumbled into was not a place that I was meant to be. Colin reached down and rubbed his hand on my back, and then he began to squeeze my shoulder.

  “Caroline, this is an old friend, Jenna,” he said without further explanation.

  I just stood there like a big dummy. Surely, one of them was going to clue me in. I looked around for Rachael, but she was gone. I thought, Thanks for abandoning me.

  I stuck my hand out, toward Jenna. “It’s nice to meet any friend of Colin’s.”

  She did not shake my hand. She looked at me and said, “I had him first. Before you there was me.”

  Colin screamed at her, “We’ve been over for a long, long time Jenna. Leave me alone.”

  About that time, Rachael came running up with Aiden. Colin and Jenna were locked in a glaring match. There was obviously a lot of tension and history between them. My guy apparently had some more explaining to do considering he told me that he had never had a girlfriend before.

  Ignoring Jenna, I looked up at Colin, “Baby, I am so tired, and I have to use the restroom. Can we go home?”

  That seemed to get his attention. “Let’s go, Charlie,” he said, turning toward me.

  Jenna screamed at him, “This is not over Colin McKinney. Either you tell her or I will.”

  This night was an epic disaster.

  I grabbed Colin’s hand and made sure that she saw me holding it as we walked to Big Bertha. I didn’t know what was going on, but I trusted Colin enough that I was not going to let Jenna see an ounce of weakness between us.

  “How much have you had to drink?” I asked.

  “One cup of beer,” he replied.

  “Awesome. I’ve had many more than that. Drive me home,” I said.

  “Like you could drive Bertha anyway,” he attempted to tease me.

  “Not in the mood Colin,” I spat. “I’m assuming that was more than one of your condom fucks.”

  “Well, she was a little more than that. She was my high school something,” he admitted.

  Fortunately, we were at Bertha. I had never been so happy to be inside of his horrible truck.

  When he started the engine and had maneuvered the warship on to the road, he continued, “We dated all through high school. We were dumb kids. We would date a couple of weeks and break up. It was never serious for me. I didn’t love her and ‘girlfriend’ is a word that does not desc
ribe how I felt about her.”

  “And…” I said. I am a girl. I knew that whatever was going on behind that tree was more than high school drama.

  “And she got pregnant,” he said in a soft voice.

  “And…” I repeated, a touch more sympathetic.

  “She told me the baby was mine, but I had never had sex with her without using a condom. The condom didn’t break. I knew that they were not 100%, but I knew that I used them correctly,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He was obviously upset at reliving this memory.

  “Oh Colin. Do you have a child?” I gasped. It had never occurred to me to ask that question.

  “No Charlie!” he declared loudly. “Please keep listening. She kept pressuring me to accept responsibility. I freaked out one night and broke down and told my parents. They put me in the car and drove me to her house. She had not told her parents yet. It was a huge ugly scene. I was eighteen, and she was sixteen. Her daddy threatened to file charges against me.”

  I gasped. I could understand her parents being upset but accusing Colin of statutory rape? That was over the top.

  He continued, “She was planning on having an abortion and not ever telling them. They demanded that she have the baby and put it up for adoption. When the baby was born, my parents demanded a paternity test, and I was not the father. I was beyond relieved. However, it ruined her life.”

  “Colin, I’m so sorry. That’s an awful story,” I said.

  “It is,” he said very quietly. “She blames me. Being from a small town, no one ever looked at her the same. Her grades were messed up from missing so much school due to her pregnancy. She wound up dropping out and getting her GED.”

  “Why is it your fault, Colin?” I was genuinely confused.

  “Well, if I hadn’t told her parents, she could have had an abortion. The rest wouldn’t have happened,” he clarified.

  “Oh!” was all that I could say. What a horrible story.

  We sat in silence for a couple of stop lights. Finally I said, “Colin, this isn’t your fault. You did what an 18-year-old should do. You told your parents. That’s what they are there for. You didn’t ruin her life. When she decided to have unprotected sex with someone else, she incurred the risk. I don’t understand why she was at the party.”

  He let out a huge sigh. “She heard that I had met someone. I haven’t dated anyone since her in high school. I think she wanted to make one last attempt to see if I would get back together with her. I, of course, told her about you.”

  He continued, “She thought if I told you what I did, you would run away. She thinks that I owe her for ruining her life.”

  “Well, she was wrong. Let me say this again. You did nothing wrong. I love you. This doesn’t change how I feel or think about you. I hope that if we have a son he will be that open with us,” I reassured him.

  What a day and night! I wanted to crawl in my bed and see if tomorrow could be better. Colin apparently had other plans. I walked into my apartment and went straight to my bathroom. I still had to use the restroom. With the door shut, I washed my face, put on moisturizer, and brushed my teeth. When I walked out of my bathroom, I went in to my closet to take off my pretty lavender wrap dress and silver ballet flats. I put on my sleep shorts and tank top, and I walked over to my side of the bed and crawled under the covers.

  Colin curled up behind me and started kissing behind my ear. “I love you baby. Let me love you.”

  “No, Colin. I’ve had a heap load of shit dumped on me tonight. I want to go to sleep,” I replied.

  Colin did not get to be starting quarterback for Texas A&M by taking no for an answer. So he used his patented wrap around move into my panties and gently nibbled on my ear.

  “I said no Colin. You aren’t changing my mind. I love you. I am not mad at you, but I am telling you that tonight if you want to spend the night with me, we are only going to sleep.” I couldn’t have made it clearer.

  “I would rather lie here with the hardest dick in College Station than be anywhere else,” he replied.

  “Good night, love,” I mumbled.

  February, Senior Year

  COLIN LOOKED at me very confused, and finally said, “Congratulations on getting into Harvard. Why are you upset? You did it, baby.” He was scooting toward me with a huge smile on his face.

  Oh goodness! My poor Colin doesn’t get it. I took a deep breath and put my hand up to stop him. “Colin, Harvard has the best medical school in the country. No one turns down Harvard. It is every medical student’s first choice. My dad would have killed to have gone there.”

  “I know, Charlie, and to think that they accepted you. I am so proud of you,” he said, beaming his half smile at me.

  We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. I let the realization hit him before I took a deep breath and said, “I am going.”

  Those three little words changed the course of two lives forever. He looked like I had kicked him in the gut. He became pale and his shoulders slumped forward. I reached out to grab his hand, but he moved away from me. That broke my heart. He never denied me himself except one time, and it had nearly killed me.

  I started crying. “I’m so sorry, Colin. I can’t pass up this opportunity. I have struggled with the decision. I’ve beaten myself up over it. What I know in my heart of hearts is that I will end up resenting you if I don’t get to follow my dream. You deserve the best of me! I can’t give you that if I know that I turned down a shot at my dream school because of you. Can you understand that?”

  He dropped his elbows to his knees and hung his head. He looked the same way that I found him that morning at the lake house after his bender. This was killing me. I felt as if my heart were being ripped out of my body.

  “I think it might be best to cool our relationship off while you focus on football, and I tackle medical school,” I whispered through my tears.

  Then, I noticed that my 6’5” hulking statement of a man had a tear rolling down his cheek. I watched the tear as it hit the ground with a splash.

  All I wanted in the world was to crawl in his lap. I wanted to kiss the tears away. I wanted to tell him that I could be happy marrying him and going to medical school in Dallas. But I knew that I couldn’t. In all honesty, this was the most gut wrenching moment of my life, but there was a huge part of me that felt relieved. I hated that part of me. I would love to have gone to a surgeon, had it taken out and replaced it with contentment for the life that he wanted.

  I had to make him understand. “Colin, I have tried to be the person that you want me to be. I love you with everything that I have. This is not about my feelings for you. This is about me. I’m a crazy, fucked up person from a divorced family. I make myself puke to feel better. How absurd is that? I love you enough to not give you second best which would be me right now. I’m not saying that I never want to see you again, or that I don’t want you in my life. I just want to move to Boston, complete medical school and then pursue a future with you,” I pleaded.

  He didn’t say anything. I could see more tears fall from his cheeks and on to the floor. I scooted next to him afraid that he was going to push me away again. He thankfully didn’t. He pulled me to him, and we sat next to each other and sobbed.

  Finally he spoke in a broken voice, “How long have you known?”

  “I found out about Harvard in early January and have struggled with the decision. I made up my mind just moments ago. I started thinking about how I could eat with you and then sneak off to vomit. I thought that I might not go into the restroom because that would too obvious. I developed a plan to vomit in Ziploc bags. That way I could do it in any room and you wouldn’t be suspicious. Then I could hide them in the garbage. When I stepped back and realized that I was doing it again, I knew what my decision had to be.” I hated sharing all of that with him, but he needed me to be honest. I owed him complete honesty.

  He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. I h
ave only wanted to make your life better. Not worse.”

  I kissed his tear streaked cheek. “You’ve made the last two years of my life wonderful. I think that we are soul mates who met at the wrong time in our lives. I can’t stand to lose you.”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Colin, please don’t tell me that you are cutting me out of your life. We don’t have to break up. We will just have to work harder to see each other. I’ll even let you buy me a place in Boston so when you visit you don’t have to stay in a dorm room. I may not get to see you every weekend, but I bet we can make it work once a month,” I pleaded.

  “Charlie, I spent six months only getting to see you every other week or a stolen day or weekend every now and then. I can’t do that for four years.” He stood up and began pacing the room, running his fingers through his hair. “Don’t you understand?” he yelled. “I can’t be without you.” He was a man torn apart.

  I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to offer him a compromise. I would go to medical school in Dallas if he would not ask me to marry him again. Even in my desperation to make it better, I knew that this wasn’t rational. I loved him, but he was stifling me. I was losing myself in this relationship. I was going to fall back into my eating disorder if I stayed with him. I needed space. I needed to find me again. I needed to not be CharCol any longer.

  I curled up into a ball on his couch sobbing. I thought that my heart was breaking in two pieces.

  He stopped his pacing and walked over to me. I looked into his blazing green eyes, and he screamed, “You are fucking breaking my heart!”

  I reached for him, but he turned and walked into the bedroom slamming the door behind him. I was distraught. I didn’t know what to do.

  I decided to follow him. I knew if he’d just let me touch him that he would feel better. I was his soothing balm. I opened the bedroom door cautiously and looked for him. I didn’t see him so I walked in. The door to the bathroom was shut. I gently knocked on it.