Searching for Glory

by Hunter J. Keane

  “Just make sure they’re okay. All of them, including Jake. He’ll try to be strong, but he’s going to need help. You have to take Julia shopping for prom dresses and things like that. Men are helpless with that kind of stuff.”

  I laughed even as the tears streamed down my face. “Agreed. Shopping I can handle.”

  “You’ll have to help them with homework and school projects, you were always better at school than I was anyway. Keep track of their baseball games and ballet recitals so they always have someone there to cheer for them. Make sure they look nice on school picture day because Jake won’t remember those things. Make sure you get them to talk to you, even when they don’t want to. They need that.”

  “Okay, Vic. I promise I’ll do all of that for them. But what can I do for you?”

  “You can promise me that you’ll finally let yourself be happy.”

  “Happy? How can I be happy when,” I choked on a sob, “when you’re dying?”

  “I don’t mean you have to be jumping for joy right now or anything. I just mean you have to let go, and move on. You deserve that. You and Johnny both do. It’s taken you so long to get to a place where you can be happy and I don’t want to be the one that ruins that. So just promise me, okay?” Vic’s eyes had gone dry and they were fierce as they stared into mine.

  I didn’t like to make promises I wasn’t sure I could keep but my sister was asking me to do this so I couldn’t say no. “Okay, Vic. I promise.”

  “Just one more thing, and then we can go back inside and regain feeling in our fingers.” Vic wrung her hands in her lap. “I want to tell you I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? What in the world do you have to be sorry for?”

  “For things that happened twenty years ago. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to protect you from Dad. I don’t know why he always went after you, but I should have found a way to stop him.” Vic finally let herself cry. Slow tears that traced lines down her cheeks.

  “Vic, that was never your fault. Never.” I couldn’t believe Vic had blamed herself all these years.

  “I was your big sister, and I should have protected you. I should have found a way.” Vic shook her head furiously as the tears fell faster. “You were so little.”

  “You were just a kid. We both were. Dad was a son of a bitch, and nothing you did could have ever changed that.” I hugged Vic and both of us held on like it was our last hug ever. I was painfully aware that it very well could be.

  “You were a great sister, Vic. Then and now. Anything good I’ll ever do in my life is because of you.” Any restraint we had shown so far was completely gone now and I cried until I had no tears left. When the wetness on my face began to freeze I knew I had to get Vic inside.

  “Let’s go in, hmm?” We pulled away from each other slowly and tried to mop the evidence off our faces.

  I grabbed a handful of snow on my way inside and squeezed it into a rough looking snowball. I walked into the living room a few paces behind Vic.

  “How’s it looking out there, ladies?” Johnny asked, his head bent over an instruction manual.

  “Perfect packing snow for building a snowman. Or a snowball fight.” I tossed the snowball into the air and caught it. I cocked an eyebrow and grinned mischievously.

  “You wouldn’t dare,” Johnny said, climbing to his feet. The kids all looked on expectantly.

  “You’re right. Not while we’re inside.” I faked like I was going to set it down but hurled it in his direction instead. It smacked him squarely in the chest, snow flying in every direction. The kids squealed in delight and Johnny laughed as he wiped the remnants of snow from his sweater.

  “You know you’re going to pay for that right?”

  “Bring it on, Carter.” I waved him forward. He accepted the challenge immediately, chasing me down the hallway. I headed outside, thinking he would at least stop to put on a coat but I was wrong. He caught up with me in front of the house and tackled me into the snow.

  The kids had followed us outside with Vic yelling for them to bundle up first. It took a while for Jake to get them weather-proofed and during that time, I lay buried in the snow by Johnny. The snow continued to fall from the sky and we were quickly covered by a light dusting of white powder.

  “You should put on a coat. You’re going to get sick, or get frostbite.” I freed one of my arms and brushed some snow out of his hair.

  “If you don’t mind, I’m enacting my revenge.”

  “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought you were just sitting outside in the snow without a coat or gloves. Please, continue.” I rolled my eyes.

  Johnny gave me a sweet smile and then smashed a snowball in my face. I sputtered and shook my head to clear it away. “Oh, it’s on now, Carter.”

  “And what exactly are you going to do? I’m pretty sure I’ve got the upper hand here.” Johnny gestured to my helpless state and then stuck out his tongue. He was so busy gloating, he hadn’t seen the kids and Jake return. He also didn’t see the snowball until after it smacked him in the side of the head.

  “That’s my favorite sister-in-law you’re messing with,” Jake said as Johnny spun around. I used his distraction to slip away. Jake had another snowball ready to throw but Julia stepped in front of Johnny.

  “I can’t let you do that, Dad. He’s unarmed,” she said, before throwing her own snowball at her father. It was the silver bullet of snowballs, smacking him directly in the face. The other kids all grabbed snowballs of their own and an interfamily war broke out.

  The war lasted just ten minutes, until I made Johnny go inside to get a coat. “Yes, Mom,” he teased, but from the way his teeth were chattering, I knew there wouldn’t be any real protest. When he came back outside, properly clothed, he helped Vic over to the porch swing and covered her with layers of blankets. She was smiling as she watched the kids begin to build a snowman.

  With some help from the adults, the snowman turned into an entire snow family- one snow-being for every person present. It took some effort to gather up enough snow but the finished product was pretty accurate.

  “My snow-person is kind of bottom heavy, don’t ya think?” I tilted my head as I surveyed my supposed likeness.

  Johnny shrugged. “Looks right to me.”

  “Why do you insist on making me want to pelt you with snowballs?” I shot him an angry look and he laughed.

  I tried to duck away as Johnny reached for me but I wasn’t quick enough. He crushed my body against his and planted a warm kiss on my lips. “I have to keep you feeling insecure so you won’t find out how hot you are and then leave me for some movie star.”

  “Wonderful. You sure know to make a girl happy,” I grumbled but I was smiling.

  “Speaking of happy,” Johnny nodded toward the house. “Vic looks like she’s doing pretty well, considering everything.”

  I did a half-turn in Johnny’s arms and looked at my sister thoughtfully. Vic was still on the porch swing, with Jake at her side. He had tucked the blankets around her and was using his body to keep her warm. They were talking softly to one another and both of them were smiling. Vic looked content, happy to be feeling well enough to watch her kids play in the snow.

  “She’s at peace,” I said, realizing it only as the words left my mouth.

  “And what about you? Are you there yet?”

  I thought about that as I looked around. The kids were laughing, either oblivious to the fact that this would be their last Christmas with their mother, or perhaps they were just trying to enjoy it and make it a happy memory. As I watched them, I loved how natural it felt to be there with them. I loved seeing Vic and Jake together, the affection between them so tangible. Most of all, I loved the way it felt to be in Johnny’s arms again. But was I at peace with everything that had happened, and all the things that had yet to happen?

  “I’m getting there,” I replied. “You?”

  “Almost. We’ll help each other get there.”

  “Even if it takes a while?” I as
ked uncertainly.

  Johnny pulled me close again and said confidently, “Even if it takes a lifetime.”

  EPILOGUE

  I walked uneasily toward the crowd. The grass was still damp with morning dew and my shoes were sinking into the ground. The summer sun was beating down in full force and I hoped I would make it through the ceremony without sweating profusely.

  “Aunt Gloria!” Marta skipped across the lawn and threw her little arms around me. I was caught off guard and almost fell backward but I was able to catch my balance just in time.

  “Hey, kiddo. How’ve you been? You’ve gotten so big.”

  “You just saw me on Sunday, Aunt Gloria,” Marta said giggling. “I’ve been trying out the swings for you.”

  “Have you? What do you think?”

  “Not bad. J.J. likes the monkey bars better.”

  “He would, the little monkey. Where’s your dad?” I scanned the crowd looking for Jake’s familiar face.

  “He’s at the baseball field. He said he was meeting you there.” Marta looked at me in confusion.

  “I’m on my way there now. Walk with me?” I took Marta’s little hand mine and struggled to keep up with her as we walked toward the baseball diamond.

  “You found her!” Jake was standing near the pitcher’s mound. He looked uncomfortable in his dress shirt and tie but he also looked happier than I had seen him look in a long time.

  “Lookin’ good, Mr. Delroy,” I said as I reached over and straightened his tie.

  “Vic wouldn’t have believed all this,” he said, nodding toward the crowd that had gathered. It looked to be about a hundred people, many of them friends of the family. There was also some press in the crowd, a couple of photographers from local newspapers.

  “You think she would like the new park?” I asked, fighting back a wave of nervousness.

  “She would love it,” Jake assured me. “I still can’t believe this is where the old house used to be.”

  “Technically, it was up by the new playground. This field was actually that abandoned lot next door. But I know what you mean.” I looked around at the new park; my new park. I had bought up the land on either side of my childhood home and then tore down the house that had been the site of so much pain. It had taken some time, but in its place was a brand new park.

  After buying the land, I had struggled while deciding what to do with it. The baseball field had been Christopher’s idea since the town only had one and it was in poor shape. J.J. had insisted on a state of the art playground, and I had to admit they were both good ideas.

  “I still can’t believe she’s gone,” I said, keeping my voice low so that Marta wouldn’t hear.

  “I know.” Jake had that look in his eyes again, the one I had gotten so used to. It was a look that said he had suffered a loss that would never fade.

  We had lost Vic six months earlier, just after ringing in the New Year. She had fought until the end, but one cold winter night she went to bed and never woke up. I had thought I would be prepared; it wasn’t like we hadn’t known it was going to happen. But nothing ever really prepares you for the loss of someone you love.

  The last six months had been hard, even impossible at times. I had tried to be strong for the kids and Jake but it seemed that the more I was around them, the harder it was to move on. Johnny had told me to give it some time and not expect things to get better overnight. So I had taken it one day at a time and focused on moving forward with life.

  I took Julia to cheerleading practices and went to J.J.’s school play. I helped Christopher with his math homework and braided Marta’s hair. Nothing really seemed to change; I still felt empty inside and cried when no one was looking.

  But then one day I woke up, and I realized it didn’t hurt quite as bad. I didn’t feel a stabbing pain in my chest when Marta asked me if her mom was in heaven. I wasn’t even aware that it was happening, but I was healing. That was when I decided to tear down the house that had been the home of so much of mine and Vic’s pain. It had felt good, and building the park had felt even better.

  “Where’s John?” Jake asked, eager to change the subject before things got too emotional.

  “He had to go into work this morning but he said he’d be here in time.” I bit on my lip and scanned the crowd again. Sometimes it still surprised me how much I had come to depend on Johnny. He had been my rock during my grief and I wasn’t sure I would have made it through without him. I spotted Johnny’s father and waved, wondering why Johnny wasn’t there yet. I tried to take my mind off of it. “What did you do with the rest of the kids?”

  “Let’s see. Christopher is over there playing catch with some of the kids from his team. J.J. has been glued to the monkey bars since we got here. And Julia,” Jake shook his head in disgust and waved a hand toward the bleachers, “she’s over there somewhere with her boyfriend.”

  I laughed at the apparent dislike of Julia’s boyfriend. In the past couple of weeks I had come to realize he didn’t dislike the kid as much as he disliked the idea of his daughter having a boyfriend at all.

  “It’ll be okay, Jake. I promise.”

  “What will be okay?” Johnny asked, sneaking up and wrapping his arms around me from behind.

  “You made it,” I said, giving him an eager kiss.

  “I said I would. You doubted me?” Johnny pretended to be insulted. “Anyway, what is Jake freaking out about now?”

  “The boyfriend,” I explained.

  “Of course. You still think she’s too young, right?” Johnny was trying hard not to laugh at his best friend.

  “She’s only fifteen. Shouldn’t she at least wait until she’s, oh I don’t know, thirty?” Jake looked so distraught that I felt bad for teasing him.

  “Look at this way, Jake. You and Vic started dating when she was sixteen. And I was fourteen when Johnny and I started dating. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

  “Yeah, the boyfriend could be your future son-in-law,” Johnny added, slapping Jake on the arm.

  “Sometimes I wonder why we’re friends,” Jake said, his face wrinkled in worry and annoyance. “I really hope you two have a daughter someday so you get a little taste of what I’m going through.”

  Johnny and I both got quiet then, a rare occurrence. Jake immediately knew something was up.

  “What? What did I say? Is there something I should know?” Jake looked back and forth between us but we avoided eye contact. His eyes narrowed. “I haven’t forgotten about that talk we had on prom night, Carter.”

  “Later,” Johnny said, tapping a finger to his watch. “You’ve got a dedication scheduled in two minutes.”

  “Yeah, we really should take our places,” I agreed, pulling Jake toward home plate while Johnny headed off to the sidelines. The kids were waiting for us at home plate with the mayor of the city.

  Mayor Derkins tapped the microphone once and then began to speak. He talked about the new park, and the gracious donor. I wasn’t really listening; my mind was on other matters. Jake didn’t mean to, but he had struck a chord that continued to hum.

  Subconsciously, I placed a hand on my stomach and found myself looking for Johnny. Our eyes met and we exchanged an intimate smile. The night before, I had taken a home pregnancy test and found out that life was moving on, whether I was ready or not. When I had told Johnny, he had been so excited I couldn’t help but feel the same way.

  I decided not to worry whether we were ready and whether we should get married before the baby was born or if it would be better to wait. Life seemed to have a way of working out the way it was supposed to. We had decided not to tell Jake and the kids until after the dedication ceremony. I wanted Vic to have one last day in the spotlight.

  “And now, I’d like to invite Glory Stark to come say a few words and officially dedicate this park to the citizens of Princeton. Ms. Stark?” The mayor shook my hand, and then gave me the microphone.

  I had prepared a speech the night before but even without looking at
the piece of paper, I knew what I wanted to say. “Thank you all for coming today. Many of you knew my sister, Vic, and she would be so happy that you all turned out to honor her. As you know, we lost her six months ago and we’re still trying to figure out how to go on without her. During her life, there was nothing that made her happier than her family- her husband and her kids. She was an amazing mother. She loved kids, and not just her own. So it seemed fitting to create a beautiful park named after her for children to enjoy for many years to come. It’s in her honor that I present this park to you.”

  The crowd rippled with applause as two teenagers in the outfield removed the sheet covering the dedication plaque underneath the scoreboard. It was big enough to see from home plate, the bold words proudly proclaiming:

  Welcome to Victory Park

  About the Author:

  Hunter J. Keane lives in Chicago where she surrounds herself with good food, great books and fantastic friends. She is the author of the young adult books The Shadows, The Rebels, and CASTLE. This is her first contemporary fiction novel.

  Connect with Hunter Online:

  www.hunterjkeane.com