The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 382
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as
a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces
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out his wife’s inclination, he gives her folly motion and
advantage. And now she’s going to my wife, and
Falstaff ‘s boy with her. A man may hear this shower
sing in the wind: and Falstaff ‘s boy with her! Good
plots they are laid, and our revolted wives share
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damnation together. Well, I will take him, then torture
my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the
so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a
secure and wilful Actaeon, and to these violent
proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock
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strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance
bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be
rather praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive
as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.
Enter SHALLOW, PAGE, HOST, SLENDER, CAIUS, EVANS and RUGBY.
SHALLOW, PAGE, etc. Well met, Master Ford.
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FORD Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at
home, and I pray you all go with me.
SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her
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for more money than I’ll speak of.
SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
SLENDER I hope I have your good will, father Page.
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PAGE You have, Master Slender, I stand wholly for you.
– But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.
CAIUS Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-
a Quickly tell me so mush.
HOST What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers,
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he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry’t,
he will carry’t – ’tis in his buttons he will carry’t.
PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
is of no having, he kept company with the wild Prince
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and Poins. He is of too high a region, he knows too
much – no, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with
the finger of my substance. If he take her, let him take
her simply: the wealth I have waits on my consent, and
my consent goes not that way.
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FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with
me to dinner. Besides your cheer you shall have sport:
I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall
go; so shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW Well, fare you well. We shall have the freer
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wooing at Master Page’s. Exeunt Shallow and Slender.
CAIUS Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit Rugby.
HOST Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit.
FORD [aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with
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him: I’ll make him dance. – Will you go, gentles?
ALL Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt.
3.3 Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE.
MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket –
MISTRESS FORD I warrant. – What, Robert, I say!
Enter JOHN and ROBERT with a great buck-basket.
MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.
5
MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge; we must be
brief.
MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house, and,
when I suddenly call you, come forth and, without any
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pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders.
That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it
among the whitsters in Datchet Mead, and there empty
it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE You will do it?
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MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over, they lack
no direction. – Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt John and Robert.
Enter ROBIN.
MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.
MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket, what news
with you?
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ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back
door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been
true to us?
ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your
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being here, and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll
turn me away.
MISTRESS PAGE Thou’rt a good boy. This secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a
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new doublet and hose. – I’ll go hide me.
MISTRESS FORD Do so. – Go tell thy master I am alone.
Exit Robin.
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee: if I do not act it, hiss me.
MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome
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humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to
know turtles from jays. Exit Mistress Page.
Enter FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why,
now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
period of my ambition. O this blessed hour!
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MISTRESS FORD O sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford; now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy
husband were dead – I’ll speak it before the best lord:
I would make thee my lady.
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MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be
a pitiful lady.
FALSTAFF Let the court of France show me such
another! I see how thine eye would emulate the
diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the
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brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or
any tire of Venetian admittance.
MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither.
FALSTAFF By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou
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wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm
fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to
thy gait, in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou
wert if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.
Come, thou canst not hide it.
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MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.
FALSTAFF What made me love thee? Let that persuade
thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I
cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many
of these lisping hawthorn buds that come like women
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in men’s apparel, and smel
l like Bucklersbury in
simple time. I cannot – but I love thee, none but thee;
and thou deservest it.
MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love
Mistress Page.
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FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of
a lime-kiln.
MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you, and
you shall one day find it.
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FALSTAFF Keep in that mind, I’ll deserve it.
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else
I could not be in that mind.
Enter ROBIN.
ROBIN Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, here’s Mistress
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Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
FALSTAFF She shall not see me; I will ensconce me
behind the arras.
MISTRESS FORD Pray you do so; she’s a very tattling
woman. [Falstaff hides behind the arras.]
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Enter MISTRESS PAGE.
What’s the matter? How now?
MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for
ever!
MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
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MISTRESS PAGE O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?
MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon
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you: how am I mistook in you!
MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?
MISTRESS PAGE Your husband’s coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by your consent,
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to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.
MISTRESS FORD ’Tis not so, I hope.
MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here. But ’tis most certain your husband’s
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for
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such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know
yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a
friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed,
call all your senses to you, defend your reputation, or
bid farewell to your good life for ever.
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MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound
he were out of the house.
MISTRESS PAGE For shame, never stand ‘you had rather
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and you had rather’! Your husband’s here at hand:
bethink you of some conveyance – in the house you
cannot hide him. – O, how have you deceived me! –
Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature,
he may creep in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as
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if it were going to bucking; or – it is whiting time – send
him by your two men to Datchet Mead.
MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall
I do?
FALSTAFF [Comes out of hiding.] Let me see’t, let me
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see’t, O let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. – Follow your
friend’s counsel. I’ll in.
MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? (aside to him)
Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF [aside to her] I love thee, and none but thee.
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Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never –
[Goes into the basket, they put clothes over him.]
MISTRESS PAGE Help to cover your master, boy. – Call
your men, Mistress Ford. – You dissembling knight!
Exit Robin.
MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert, John!
Enter JOHN and ROBERT.
Go, take up these clothes here, quickly. Where’s the
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cowl-staff? – Look how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet Mead; quickly, come.
Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS and EVANS.
FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause,
why, then make sport at me, then let me be your jest,
I deserve it. – How now? Whither bear you this?
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SERVANT To the laundress, forsooth.
MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!
FORD Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck – and
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