The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
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the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear
that he is in her heart.
CLAUDIO And so she doth, cousin.
BEATRICE Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes everyone
to the world but I, and I am sunburnt. I may sit in a
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corner and cry ‘Heigh-ho for a husband!’
DON PEDRO Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE I would rather have one of your father’s
getting. Hath your Grace ne’er a brother like you?
Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could
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come by them.
DON PEDRO Will you have me, lady?
BEATRICE No, my lord, unless I might have another for
working days: your Grace is too costly to wear every
day. But I beseech your Grace pardon me, I was born
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to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO Your silence most offends me, and to be
merry best becomes you, for out o’ question, you were
born in a merry hour.
BEATRICE No, sure, my lord, my mother cried, but then
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there was a star danced, and under that was I born.
Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO Niece, will you look to those things I told you
of?
BEATRICE I cry you mercy, uncle. By your Grace’s
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pardon. Exit.
DON PEDRO By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
LEONATO There’s little of the melancholy element in
her, my lord; she is never sad but when she sleeps, and
not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say
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she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and waked
herself with laughing.
DON PEDRO She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
LEONATO O, by no means, she mocks all her wooers out
of suit.
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DON PEDRO She were an excellent wife for Benedick.
LEONATO O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week
married, they would talk themselves mad.
DON PEDRO County Claudio, when mean you to go to
church?
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CLAUDIO Tomorrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till
love have all his rites.
LEONATO Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence
a just seven-night, and a time too brief, too, to have
all things answer my mind.
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DON PEDRO Come, you shake the head at so long a
breathing, but I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall
not go dully by us. I will, in the interim, undertake one
of Hercules’ labours, which is, to bring Signior
BENEDICK and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of
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affection th’one with th’other. I would fain have it a
match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three
will but minister such assistance as I shall give you
direction.
LEONATO My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten
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nights’ watchings.
CLAUDIO And I, my lord.
DON PEDRO And you too, gentle Hero?
HERO I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my
cousin to a good husband.
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DON PEDRO And Benedick is not the unhopefullest
husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him: he is
of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirmed
honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin
that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, [to
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Leonato and Claudio] with your two helps, will so
practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit
and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with
Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an
archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-
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gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
Exeunt.
2.2 Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO.
DON JOHN It is so, the Count Claudio shall marry the
daughter of Leonato.
BORACHIO Yea, my lord, but I can cross it.
DON JOHN Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be
medicinable to me. I am sick in displeasure to him, and
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whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges
evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
BORACHIO Not honestly, my lord, but so covertly that
no dishonesty shall appear in me.
DON JOHN Show me briefly how.
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BORACHIO I think I told your lordship, a year since, how
much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting-
gentlewoman to Hero.
DON JOHN I remember
BORACHIO I can, at any unseasonable instant of the
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night, appoint her to look out at her lady’s chamber-
window.
DON JOHN What life is in that, to be the death of this
marriage?
BORACHIO The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go
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you to the Prince your brother; spare not to tell him
that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the
renowned Claudio – whose estimation do you
mightily hold up – to a contaminated stale, such a one
as Hero.
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DON JOHN What proof shall I make of that?
BORACHIO Proof enough to misuse the Prince, to vex
Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for
any other issue?
DON JOHN Only to despite them I will endeavour any-
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thing.
BORACHIO Go then, find me a meet hour to draw Don
Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you
know that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to
the Prince and Claudio – as in love of your brother’s
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honour, who hath made this match, and his friend’s
reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the
semblance of a maid – that you have discovered thus.
They will scarcely believe this without trial: offer
them instances, which shall bear no less likelihood
than to see me at her chamber-window, hear me call
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Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and
bring them to see this the very night before the
intended wedding – for in the meantime I will so
fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent – and
there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero’s
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disloyalty that jealousy shall be called assurance and
all the preparation overthrown.
DON JOHN Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will
put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and
thy fee is a thousand ducats.
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BORACHIO Be you constant in the accusation, and my
cunning shall not shame me.
DON JOHN I will presently go learn their day of marriage.
Exeunt.
2.3 Enter BENEDICK alone.
BENEDICK Boy!
Enter Boy.
BOY Signior?
BENEDICK In my chamber-window lies a book; bring it
hither to me in the orchard.
BOY I am here already, sir.
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BENEDICK I know that, but I would have thee hence and
here again. Exit Boy.
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
another man is a fool when he dedicates his
behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at such
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shallow follies in others, become the argument of his
own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio.
I have known when there was no music with him but
the drum and the fife, and now had he rather hear the
tabor and the pipe. I have known when he would have
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walked ten mile afoot to see a good armour, and now
will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new
doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the
purpose, like an honest man and a soldier, and now is
he turned orthography – his words are a very
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fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I
be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I
think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform
me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have
made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a
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fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise,
yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till
all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come
in my grace. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise, or
I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her; fair, or
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I’ll never look on her; mild, or come not near me;
noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an
excellent musician, and her hair shall be – of what
colour it please God. Ha! the Prince and Monsieur
Love! I will hide me in the arbour. [Withdraws.]
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Enter DON PEDRO, LEONATO, CLAUDIO and BALTHASAR with music.
DON PEDRO Come, shall we hear this music?
CLAUDIO Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
As hush’d on purpose to grace harmony!
DON PEDRO See you where Benedick hath hid himself?
CLAUDIO O, very well, my lord. The music ended,
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We’ll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.
DON PEDRO
Come, Balthasar, we’ll hear that song again.
BALTHASAR O good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
To slander music any more than once.
DON PEDRO It is the witness still of excellency
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To put a strange face on his own perfection.
I pray thee sing, and let me woo no more.
BALTHASAR Because you talk of wooing, I will sing,
Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
To her he thinks not worthy, yet he woos,
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Yet will he swear he loves.
DON PEDRO Nay pray thee, come,
Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,
Do it in notes.
BALTHASAR Note this before my notes;
There’s not a note of mine that’s worth the noting.
DON PEDRO
Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks!
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Note notes, forsooth, and nothing! [Music.]
BENEDICK [aside] Now, divine air! Now is his soul
ravished! Is it not strange that sheep’s guts should hale
souls out of men’s bodies? Well, a horn for my money,
when all’s done.
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The Song.
BALTHASAR Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever:
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
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And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,
Of dumps so dull and heavy:
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The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so, etc.
DON PEDRO By my troth, a good song.
BALTHASAR And an ill singer, my lord.
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DON PEDRO Ha, no, no, faith; thou sing’st well enough
for a shift.
BENEDICK [aside] And he had been a dog that should
have howled thus, they would have hanged him, and I
pray God his bad voice bode no mischief. I had as lief
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have heard the night-raven, come what plague could
have come after it.
DON PEDRO Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I
pray thee get us some excellent music; for tomorrow
night we would have it at the Lady Hero’s chamber-
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