The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 532
May’st smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine, in thee.
SEBASTIAN What relish is in this? How runs the stream?
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Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou’dst be rul’d by me!
SEBASTIAN Madam, I will.
OLIVIA O, say so, and so be. Exeunt.
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4.2 Enter MARIA and Clown.
MARIA Nay, I prithee put on this gown, and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it
quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit.
CLOWN Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled
5
in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the
function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good
student; but to be said an honest man and a good
housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and
a great scholar. The competitors enter.
10
Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.
SIR TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
CLOWN Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to
a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being
Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’
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but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
SIR TOBY To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY The knave counterfeits well: a good knave.
MALVOLIO within.
MALVOLIO Who calls there?
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CLOWN Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit
Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to
my lady.
CLOWN Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this
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man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged.
Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have
laid me here in hideous darkness.
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CLOWN Fie, thou dishonest Satan! (I call thee by the
most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones
that will use the devil himself with courtesy.) Say’st
thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.
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CLOWN Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as
barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-
north are as lustrous as ebony: and yet complainest
thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this
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house is dark.
CLOWN Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness
but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance,
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though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than
you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
CLOWN What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning
wildfowl?
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MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply
inhabit a bird.
CLOWN What think’st thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve
his opinion.
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CLOWN Fare thee well: remain thou still in darkness.
Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou
dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
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SIR TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA Thou might’st have done this without thy beard
and gown, he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY To him in thine own voice, and bring me word
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how thou find’st him: I would we were well rid of this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would
he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece
that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the
upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
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Exit with Maria.
CLOWN [singing]
Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO Fool!
CLOWN My lady is unkind, perdie.
MALVOLIO Fool!
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CLOWN Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO Fool, I say!
CLOWN She loves another –
Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at
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my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper:
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee
for’t.
CLOWN Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.
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CLOWN Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously
abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
CLOWN But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be
no better in your wits than a fool.
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MALVOLIO They have here propertied me: keep me in
darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they
can to face me out of my wits.
CLOWN Advise you what you say: the minister is here.
[as Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens
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restore: endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
bibble babble.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas!
CLOWN [as Sir Topas] Maintain no words with him,
good fellow! [as himself] Who, I, sir? not I, sir! God
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buy you, good Sir Topas! [as Sir Topas] Marry, amen!
[as himself] I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say!
CLOWN Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am
shent for speaking to you.
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MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some
paper: I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in
Illyria.
CLOWN Well-a-day that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO By this hand, I am! Good fool, some ink,
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paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to
my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the
bearing of letter did.
CLOWN I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not
mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
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MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not, I tell thee true.
CLOWN Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I
prithee, be gone.
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CLOWN [singing]
I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice, like to the old Vice,
> Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,
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Cries, ‘Ah, ha!’ to the devil:
Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad.
Adieu, goodman devil!’ Exit.
4.3 Enter SEBASTIAN.
SEBASTIAN This is the air, that is the glorious sun,
This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t, and see’t,
And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio then?
I could not find him at the Elephant,
5
Yet there he was, and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service:
For though my soul disputes well with my sense
That this may be some error, but no madness,
10
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes,
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad,
15
Or else the lady’s mad; yet if ’twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch,
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing
As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t
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That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.
Enter OLIVIA and Priest.
OLIVIA Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me, and with this holy man,
Into the chantry by: there before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
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Plight me the full assurance of your faith,
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it,
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
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According to my birth. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,
And having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine! Exeunt.
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5.1 Enter Clown and FABIAN.
FABIAN Now as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter.
CLOWN Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
FABIAN Anything.
CLOWN Do not desire to see this letter.
FABIAN This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire
5
my dog again.
Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO and lords.
ORSINO Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
CLOWN Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.
ORSINO I know thee well. How dost thou, my good
fellow?
10
CLOWN Truly, sir, the better for my foes, and the worse
for my friends.
ORSINO Just the contrary: the better for thy friends.
CLOWN No, sir, the worse.
ORSINO How can that be?
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CLOWN Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of
me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that
by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and
by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to
be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two
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affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends, and
the better for my foes.
ORSINO Why, this is excellent.
CLOWN By my troth, sir, no: though it please you to be
one of my friends.
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ORSINO Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.
CLOWN But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
you could make it another.
ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel.
CLOWN Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
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and let your flesh and blood obey it.
ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-
dealer: there’s another.
CLOWN Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play, and the old
saying is ‘The third pays for all’; the triplex, sir, is a
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good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet,
sir, may put you in mind – one, two, three.
ORSINO You can fool no more money out of me at this
throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake