Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “Brady started calling and texting immediately and this time I did turn my phone off. Luke took me straight to our house and I took a shower and tried to pretend nothing happened. And I’ve been trying to pretend every day since.”

  The tears keep coming and I’m really shaking now. I’m scared to look up. Marissa gets off of her chair and comes to me. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly.

  “I’m so sorry, Lexie. I’m so sorry you went through this alone.”

  She has tears running down her face and when I look around I see Shannon does too. Marissa sits on the floor next to me and takes my hand. I look at Ellen and for the first time ever, her composure is cracked. She has tears in her eyes and she looks stunned. I can’t even look at Julian.

  “Unfortunately there’s more. You all know Brady tried to get ahold of me non-stop for two weeks, right? I told you he kept leaving me messages and sending me texts. Well he kept telling me he would die if I didn’t forgive him. He used those exact words: he would die.”

  I’m sobbing now and the words are harder and harder to get out. “And he did die. He died and when I found him, there was a note next to him that said, Forgive me. That’s all. Forgive me. He told me he would die unless I forgave him and I didn’t. It might not be all my fault, but I could’ve stopped it. I’m so sorry. I didn’t forgive him and he died.”

  We all sit there for at least five minutes with nobody saying anything. I did this here so Ellen could help us through it, but even she’s silent. I’m trying to stop crying. Marissa is still holding my hand, and I have yet to look at Julian. I can’t. It wasn’t easy to tell him all of this the first time and I did it without details then. Now he knows the whole story and I’m scared to look at him.

  Ellen finally speaks. “Lexie, I know I can speak for everyone in this room when I say we understand how hard that was for you to do what you just did. It’s obvious everyone is having feelings about this and I’m not sure you’re in a place where you can hear what we all have to say. Do you agree?”

  I think about what she’s asking before I reply. “If anybody has anything to say, I’d rather hear it now. I want to move past this. I don’t want to keep talking about it. I never wanted to talk about it.”

  I look up at Marissa and shrug. I’ll let her go first.

  She wipes a tear from her eye. “If I wasn’t so heartbroken right now I’d be mad at you. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we shared everything. I feel so bad for not knowing. I know you. You’ve been my best friend for ten years. We live together. You haven’t been you and I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

  I squeeze her hand. “This isn’t your fault, Mari. You don’t have anything to feel bad about.”

  I turn to Shannon so she can talk.

  “I feel exactly the same way Mari does. But I don’t want to make this about how I feel. I want to know what I can do to help you through this?”

  “You just need to keep doing what you’ve been doing. You’re amazing friends and I love you. I kept this from you. I tried to deal with this myself. I thought I was doing a good job too.”

  The comment about dealing with it myself makes me look at Ellen. She has thought she was helping me deal with things. She starts to speak before I can say anything.

  “You and I will talk next week and figure out how we move on from here. I know you hate when I get shrinky on you so I’ll spare you that right now. But be prepared.”

  She smiles and I know she’ll be okay with this eventually. I’m sure she feels betrayed, and I don’t blame her.

  I take a deep breath and look at Julian for the first time since I shared all of the details. The look in his eyes takes my breath away. He’s angry. Like, kick someone’s ass angry. I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say but it’s only fair.

  “Julian?”

  “I’m fine. I knew all of this, remember?”

  I shake my head. “No you didn’t. You didn’t know any details and you’re not fine. I’d rather you say what you need to say here.”

  “We can talk about this later tonight.”

  I know Julian doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of my friends, but I meant it when I said I wanted to be done with this.

  “I was serious. Say what you need to say now or forever hold your peace. I’m not going to keep doing this with you.” I reach to grab his hand and he pulls it away this time. I feel a shot of pain through my heart. He’s rejecting me.

  I’m unable to keep what little composure I have left and I don’t care that we aren’t alone.

  “God damn it, Julian. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, just fucking say so. I’m so over worrying about it.”

  He turns so he’s facing me and he looks even madder if it’s possible. His voice is raised to just below a yell.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Alexa? You’re still questioning if I want to be with you?” He throws his hands in the air. “How is that even possible?”

  He’s shaking and I realize his desire to not talk about this right now was his way of remaining calm. He isn’t calm anymore.

  “You want to know how I feel? You won’t like what I have to say, but here it goes. It’s a good thing Brady’s dead because if he wasn’t I’d fucking kill him. How’s that for an answer? I’m so mad I can’t see straight. And Luke, what the fuck was he thinking leaving you there? He doesn’t love you. He would’ve never left you in such a bad situation. You can blame yourself all you want but there’s plenty to go around.”

  He stops short of accusing the others of anything specifically, but when he looks around the room at Marissa, Ellen and Shannon, I know he blames them for not helping me through this.

  “I’ve known Lexie for less than two months and it was obvious to me the first night we were together something really traumatic happened to her. I didn’t know her and I knew. I’m not sure how you all missed it.”

  “You’re not being fair. This isn’t their fault. I hid it from everyone.” I’m not okay with him attacking my friends and Ellen.

  “Not from me. You didn’t hide it from me.”

  I shrug my shoulders again. “But I tried.”

  Marissa has moved back into her chair and Julian has moved closer to me. He takes my hand.

  “Lexie, you already know how I feel. I hurt for you.”

  Ellen speaks up. “All of these feelings: anger, sadness, guilt; they’re all normal reactions. We all really care about you, and it hurts to know you chose to try and deal with this yourself. Blaming each other or ourselves isn’t going to help though.”

  Julian looks around the room. He obviously feels bad for his outburst.

  “I’m sorry. I love her too.”

  Marissa smiles at Julian and I’m so thankful she gets it. I look at Shannon and she offers a small smile too. Everyone looks raw and emotional. I think we’re all talked out for now.

  I glance at the clock for the first time and see we’ve been in here for almost two hours. Ellen notices the time too.

  “So I will see you next week, right, Lexie?”

  I nod as I get up off the couch. Julian is reluctant to let go of my hand but he does. Everyone stands up and they each hug me. We walk outside together and Marissa and Shannon head home together. Julian wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. We’re leaning against his car. Neither one of us says anything about what just happened.

  “I’ll go get something to eat and bring it over.”

  I knew this was coming. What I want, what I need, is to be alone tonight and I know Julian isn’t going to take it well.

  “Julian, I’m going to go home, alone.” I say the last part in a whisper.

  Julian pulls back and looks at me. “Why?”

  “Because I need to process all of this and it’s hard to do when I’m worrying about your feelings.”

  “Please don’t worry about my feelings, I’m fine. I just got pissed.”

  “I know. I’m not worried like that. You need to process all of this
too.”

  “What I need is to be with you.”

  I hear it and I see it in his eyes. He’s scared I’m pulling away. I can’t blame him. I’ve given him very little reason to believe I’m going to stay. I kiss him gently.

  “Julian, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not pulling away or shutting you out. I just don’t have anything left to give tonight. I need to be alone and feel all of this. Please try and understand.”

  Julian looks down at me and I see the skepticism in his eyes.

  “I promise. I’m holding on.”

  I know he doesn’t want to let me go but he reluctantly does.

  I squeeze him tightly and kiss him softly on the lips again. “Thank you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “I’m here for you. Whenever and however.”

  “I know that. I don’t know much else right now, but I do know that. You’ve no idea how much it means to me.”

  He’s silent as he walks me to my car, and despite my reassurances, I can see he isn’t happy I’m leaving without him.

  “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  Julian nods his head slightly and kisses me on the forehead then turns and walks away. He doesn’t see the tears start to fall again and I don’t see the sadness in his eyes either.

  I’m not sure what to expect when I get home. Marissa and Shannon may act differently when we’re alone. I’ve cried the whole way home from Ellen’s office and I don’t feel like I’m going to stop anytime soon. I can’t stop thinking about the words they all said to me. They’re all hurt. Hurt, not mad. I know about that. I’m glad I did what I did as far as getting them all together and telling them the truth. It was painful, but it was good. I can’t stop thinking about Luke though. He should’ve been there today. He was so much a part of what happened. I know he’s hurting too, and the closer we get to the actual anniversary of Brady’s death, the harder it’ll be on both of us. I have an open wound as far as our relationship goes and deep down I know that I’ll need to heal that too. I just don’t see how I’ll be able to make that happen. There isn’t a place in my life for both Julian and Luke.

  Marissa and Shannon are sitting in the living room when I walk in. Shannon is first to speak.

  “It’s hard to know what to say. We aren’t sure what you need from us.”

  “I just need you to keep being such amazing friends. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want it to be true and I thought if I pretended it didn’t happen, it would go away. I know it was wrong and clearly it didn’t work, but the longer I went without telling you, the harder it became to say anything.”

  “Julian knew before we did, didn’t he?”

  I can tell this is a very sensitive point for Marissa so I try and help her understand.

  “I tried so hard to hide it from him. He was the last person I wanted to know. But we’re together and he sees me. Like sees everything.” I go on and tell them everything that happened the night Julian found out. I tell them all about Luke and how he set me up. They’re pissed at Luke, and tell me so, but are glad he did it in the end.

  “So now you know everything. Really. And I just want to move on from this. I need to move on.”

  “Julian meant what he said. He loves you. How do you feel about that?” Shannon is very good at reading people.

  “I believe it, most of the time anyway. I love him too. I just haven’t told him yet.”

  We talk for about it for fifteen more minutes and they finally see I need to stop talking. I’m worn out. They offer to get dinner but I really just want to take a shower and be alone. I hug both of them, apologize again, and go to my room.

  The warm water feels great and I stay in the shower until it starts to turn cold and the skin on my hands looks like a prune. The tears are coming intermittently and instead of holding them in, I let them fall. As bad as this feels and as much as it hurts, I know I need to feel it all. It’s better than not feeling at all. I do know when I shut down, things can get really bad very quickly.

  By the time I get into bed it’s almost eleven. I check my phone and see there isn’t anything from Julian. I think about all of the things said today, and I know he’s probably hurting too. I know if I call him I’ll start crying again, so I do what I’ve done since the beginning, I send him song lyrics. I’m not sure if he’ll be checking his email tonight so I text him the lyrics to Broken by Lifehouse instead. They say it perfectly.

  Alexa: Please listen to this – Broken by Lifehouse. It says it all for me.

  In the pain, there is healing

  In your name I find meaning

  So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on

  I’m barely holdin’ on to you

  He responds after about five minutes. I wonder if he listened to the song.

  Julian: Don’t let go baby. I’ve got you.

  Alexa: Goodnight Julian. And thank you

  Julian: For what?

  Alexa: For everything…for everything.

  Julian: Te amo, Lexie.

  Chapter Eleven

  I don’t have the best night’s sleep and when I wake up and look in the mirror, I know I’m going to need to bring out the heavy artillery. It’s obvious I’ve been crying. Knowing I have to see Serena makes it worse. She has no tact or filter where I’m concerned and I’m sure she’ll say something about how I look. I hate that I even care, but I do. I always look good when I go to work but now I feel like I’m going to be judged. Ugh.

  Today feels like a day for pants so I put on a pair of gray trousers, a red silk blouse, and a pair of red to black ombre, Vince Camuto Signature pumps. I put my hair into a side braid and put on way too much makeup. I look a little better but it’s still obvious I’ve been crying.

  Marissa and Shannon have both left for work; I’m glad. I don’t want to deal with them worrying about me today. Julian calls me while I’m on the way to work.

  “Hey you.”

  “Hey, Julian. How are you?”

  “Me? I’m okay. How are you?”

  “Tired and a little sad but I’ll be okay. Please don’t worry.” I really, really, really want things to be normal.

  I hear him exhale. “Okay. I’ll try not to worry about you, but no promises. What are your plans tonight? Can I see you?”

  This is Julian trying to do what I asked and give me space. “I don’t have plans. I want to run tonight, that’s all I know. Yes, you can see me. Can you come to my house?”

  “Sí. I’ll see you tonight. I’ll bring dinner from Ursa’s.”

  “Thanks, Julian. Have a good day.”

  “You too, Lexie.”

  There’s such an underlying sense of tension in our interactions. He doesn’t know how to act and neither do I. This has been such an emotional week for both of us. I’m so ready to move past the drama and be a normal couple, whatever that is. I wonder if it’s ever really going to happen.

  I spend the day moving into my office. I do what I can to make the place feel like my own. I make a mental note to get the picture of Julian and I at the beach printed out because I’d like to have a picture here.

  Everyone’s excited to be moving into the building which helps create a good mood around the office. Even Serena is playing nice and refraining from making shitty comments to me. She actually even asked if I’d like her to bring me something back from lunch. I politely decline. I’m not entirely convinced she wouldn’t try to poison me.

  I get to my house a little after six and see Julian is already there. Shannon’s car is in the driveway and I figure she must’ve let him in. I find the two of them in the living room, talking quietly. They stop when I walk in. I’m sure they’re talking about what happened yesterday and because I don’t want to join the conversation I keep my mouth shut. I walk over to Julian, bend down, and give him a kiss on the cheek. I’m going for normal tonight. We all talk for a few minutes and Julian reminds Shannon there’s food in the kitchen from Ursa’s. She tells me Marissa is at her parents as she walk
s in the kitchen to make a plate.

  When she’s gone, Julian focuses on me.

  “Do you want to run?”

  He’s still dressed in work clothes but I notice his gym bag next to the couch.

  “I do. Are you coming with me?”

  “I was planning on it. You know, it’s really not a great idea for you to run so far by yourself, especially at night.”

  I take a deep breath and tell myself he’s just saying this out of concern for my safety.

  “Julian, I’ve been running around here for over a year. I’m always safe and I don’t run when it’s dark unless Marissa is with me. Please don’t start getting all protective like that. I do know how to take care of myself.”

  In light of last’s night conversation about my decision-making skills, I’m not sure Julian agrees, but he doesn’t say anything else about it. He literally bites his lip, shrugs, and walks to my room. We both change into running clothes and because there’s zero flirting going on, I know he’s still processing what I told him last night. When I initially told him about the rape he didn’t even attempt to touch me for a week, and if I wouldn’t have initiated something, it could’ve gone on for longer. I have a feeling he might act the same way again. I’m not feeling very sexy or relaxed at the moment and not messing around is fine with me.

  We run six miles in relative silence. I look at him a few times and see he’s lost in his own little world too. I hate that there feels like so much distance between us, but I’m not sure how to bridge it when we really aren’t fighting. It’s hard to fix what you don’t know is broken.

  We both shower when we get back to my place and sit down in the kitchen to eat. My mood elevates when I see the food he brought back. I truly love the food from Ursa’s and the Spanish-style tortilla is my favorite. Julian brought two, which means I can eat one all myself. We talk about his day and I tell him about my new office and about Diego, the guy who’s coming to work for us. A dark cloud passes over his face when I mention Diego. “Do you know him?”

  “We’ve met a few times. Same industry.”

  “And you didn’t like him?” I don’t need to hear his reply to know the answer is no.