Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  I get to the trailer at nine. They’re almost done moving everything from the trailer into the building and I walk over and peek at my new office. It’s really nice and I can’t keep from smiling. The floors, bookcases, and woodwork are done in a color I’d call Café con Leche and the walls are off-white. It’s very tropical-looking with a mixture of green tones and pale browns in the artwork and side chairs. I have a window that faces the pool and outdoor patio areas. It’s not an ocean-front view but it’s still so much better than the trailer. Lauren’s office is right next door and Serena is on the other side of Lauren.

  Across the hallway, facing the ocean, is a luxury office for the new head sales person, and basically my new boss, Diego Castenada. He’s a new hire from a large property management company based in Costa Rica, with properties all over South America, Mexico, and the Caribbean. Apparently nobody at W&M thought we were qualified to sell properties priced over ten million dollars, so they hired him to handle the big buyers. I get it, I guess. We have a lot of buyers from Latin America and apparently he has a lot of contacts and a lot of experience. He’s starting on Monday and we’re all curious to see what all the hoopla is about.

  I walk around the whole bottom floor and take a look at what the finished product looks like. The building is beautiful. I take a quick peek in the area where we’re going to be setting up the food and live music for the party. Everything has really come together in the last two weeks and I’m proud to be part of this and working here. After I’m done poking around the lobby area I head back to the trailer. I’m looking down at my phone and reading an email from Andrea when I run right into someone coming from the other direction. I’m wearing a pair of very high, orange Calvin Klein sandals and if it wasn’t for a pair of strong arms catching me, I would’ve fallen on my ass. I look at the hand that’s holding me up and see a familiar tattoo on the left wrist. I feel a jolt of heat as this same hand skims my breast as it helps me right myself. Julian.

  His eyes are bright and he flashes me a big smile before he takes me in his arms and gives me huge hug.

  “You need to watch where you’re going, mi amor. I can’t have you falling on strange men because you aren’t paying attention.”

  I look to my right and then to my left and when I’m sure nobody is around to see us, I plant a big kiss on his full lips. “You’re the only strange man I seem to run into and you always catch me. You’re my knight in shining armor.”

  He smiles at my description of him, takes my hand, and walks with me the rest of the way to the trailer.

  “I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to stop in and give you that hug you wanted this morning.”

  My heart melts when he does things like this. He makes me feel taken care of, and I need it this morning in a big way.

  “Thank you. I needed that. I’m trying to keep myself busy, but I’m kind of freaking out about tonight.”

  “I know, baby. It’s so good you’re doing this. I’m going to be right by your side.”

  I hear a honk and look toward the street. I see Danny in the passenger seat of Julian’s Jag waving at me. I smile and wave back. “And where are the Bauer brothers off to today?”

  “We have to go sign some papers at the bank downtown. I really do need to go. I’ll see you tonight, okay.”

  He gives me another quick kiss on the lips and walks to the street. He turns as he’s about to get in the car and places his hand over his heart. I do the same and his smile grows. Julian has told me he loves me but he hasn’t said it often. I can’t complain because I haven’t said it at all, but I think this gesture means the same thing to him. I know it does to me.

  Chapter Ten

  I get to Ellen’s office right at six-thirty and everyone is already waiting for me. They’re sitting in the waiting area making small talk when I walk in. It’s already awkward, everyone looks tense, and I’m tempted to tell them to go home. Julian stands up and comes to give me a hug.

  He whispers in my ear, “Uh uh. You’re staying and doing this.”

  It never ceases to amaze me how well he already knows me. I pull back, give him a thin smile, and shrug my shoulders. Ellen hears us outside and opens the door for us to come in. I introduce her to everyone and sit down on the loveseat with Julian next to me. Marissa and Shannon sit in two chairs to the right of us and Ellen is in her usual chair directly in front of me.

  I pull a water bottle out of my purse and take a drink. Julian takes my free hand in his and grasps it tightly. For the moment, I’m glad he’s here. I’m not sure how he’s going to feel after he hears all of the details of that night, but I just feel like I need to get this out once and for all. Then maybe I can really start to move past it. They’re looking at me waiting for me to say whatever it is I want to say.

  “I want to thank you for coming here today and to Ellen for even allowing this. I know it’s kind of unorthodox.”

  Ellen smiles and nods her head.

  “I wanted you all to be here together because I have some things I need to share with you and I’d rather not tell this story over and over again. You’re all very important to me and I hope you know that.” I pause and take a breath. “I need to say I’m sorry before I even start. You’re going to be upset with me when I’m done and that scares me, but I’ve been lying to you for so long, and I know now, thanks to Julian, if I really want to heal, I need to be honest. I want you to know I’m okay. Or at least I’m trying to get to okay. The anniversary of Brady’s death is coming up this weekend and I’ve really been struggling with the memories. I’ve been having some really violent nightmares and I need to just get some stuff out.”

  I look around the room at each of them. Marissa, Shannon, and Ellen offer me small smiles. They’re confused and nervous and have no idea what’s going on. This isn’t exactly what I told them I wanted to talk about this morning. I look at Julian and he squeezes my hand and gives me a big smile. He thinks he’s in a better place than they are. I guess he technically is but he still doesn’t know any details and if I really want to heal I know I can’t hold anything back.

  “All of you, including Julian now, know something about what happened between Brady and me before he died. But until last week, I had never shared the whole story.” I can’t even really look at any of them and I start to feel nauseous. Julian squeezes my hand again.

  “There are parts of this you three know and parts Julian knows so I’m going to start at the beginning. I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself.”

  Marissa interrupts me before I start. “You’re freaking me out, Lex. What the hell don’t we know?” She’s literally sitting on the edge of her seat.

  “Mari, please just listen. This is really hard.”

  She takes a deep breath and sits back in her chair. I pick a spot in the room and concentrate on it as I begin to recount the details of that night.

  “You guys know things were really pretty shitty between Brady and I and I really didn’t know where we stood. I needed some resolution, so when Luke told me he was planning on being in West Palm at his parents for the weekend, I decided to go. You both were busy and I didn’t want to be alone.”

  I look at Julian when I mention Luke’s name and see his smile has disappeared. He needs to understand the dynamic between Luke and me so I’m not going to avoid talking about his role in this. I squeeze his hand this time and continue.

  “We didn’t see anybody Friday night and just hung out at Luke’s parents’ house. On Saturday morning, Brady started texting me and calling and acting really sweet. He seemed good. He stopped by around one and he was sober. We talked for a while and decided we needed to talk some more before we made any decisions about really ending things. He told me he had family things to do and he would see me later that night at Rogue. I didn’t ask to go with him or even want to because I knew he was having issues with his parents and I didn’t want to get in the middle of it.”

  I take a deep breath and look around. They’re all fully engaged in my story
even though the women in the room know this part. I think they’re making sure they don’t miss anything. Julian is trying to look calm but I know him well enough now to know he’s not comfortable at all. I press ahead.

  “Anyway, Luke and I got to the club around ten. Brady was there with a few of their friends and I could tell he had been drinking but he really seemed okay. I had one drink and we danced. We were having a good time. Around eleven, Brady told me he was going to go to the bathroom and was gone for almost forty-five minutes. I didn’t go look for him because I figured he was getting high outside. When he came back it was very obvious he was high and he also had some girl I’d never seen before hanging all over him. I tried to walk away because I really didn’t want to get into it in front of all our friends but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him. We exchanged a few words and he tried to tell me it wasn’t what it looked like. Luke got him to let go of me and I left. I figured Luke would follow me out, but he didn’t.”

  I’m talking really fast and I know it. I want to get this all out before I change my mind.

  “Luke didn’t follow me, but Brady did, and we ended up getting into a huge argument outside of the club. I asked about the girl and he admitted he had been sleeping with her and that she just told him she was pregnant. He said that’s why he got high; he was upset. But then he also told me he didn’t believe it was his because they only had sex twice without protection. I felt like I was on a Jerry Springer episode. I was pissed off and yelling at him. He was getting tripped up by all of my questions and ended up telling me the girl inside wasn’t the only girl he had unprotected sex with and that none of the other girls got pregnant, so he didn’t believe it was his. It was crazy and he was so wasted he wasn’t making any sense. I was really starting to freak out so I tried to walk away and he grabbed my arm again, from behind, and pulled me to him. I pulled away and when I did, I hit him in the chest pretty hard with my elbow. He grabbed my arm again, spun me around, and slapped me across the face.”

  I pause for a minute. I don’t even need to look at Julian to know how he’s feeling. I feel the anger pulsating off of him. I knew this would be upsetting for him to hear. I look at my friends and Ellen and they all look tense as well. I’m sure they’re looking at Julian and are affected by his reaction to this. They’re still waiting for the part of the story they don’t know. I start talking faster and try to consolidate the story.

  “Brady freaked out after he did that. He had never touched me like that before. He started begging me not to leave and apologizing and telling me he loved me. I just stood there for a few minutes because I think I was in shock. Luke came outside right after and saw and heard what was going on. He got into it with Brady and then we left. We went back to Luke’s parents’ house. Brady was blowing up our phones. I should’ve turned it off but I didn’t. I think I wanted to hear him tell me it was all a mistake or something. He started threatening to do something really stupid if I didn’t talk to him. He knew I was at Luke’s house and he said he was going to come over and make a scene. I believed him and didn’t want him driving, so I talked Luke into bringing me back to his parents’ pool house, where he was living. Luke wanted to stay but I didn’t want him to. I was so stupid. Brady seemed to have calmed down and I really wasn’t scared of him. We had had some big arguments before and they usually blew over once he came down. I convinced Luke to leave me there.” I look at Julian. “He really didn’t want to.”

  I look at Shannon and Marissa, and they both have the same confused look on their faces. I understand why. They thought I hadn’t seen him after we left the club. Ellen knows I stayed and talked to him and Julian knows the end result. I look around the room and see their faces. It’s hard to know what they’re thinking.

  Shannon is the first to jump in. “Why would you hide that? That you went to see him after?”

  “Let me finish Shan, please.” I’m getting to the really hard part now. I’ve been relatively okay up until this point, and now I’m starting to feel a panic attack coming on. My hands are sweaty and my heart is racing. I pull my hand away from Julian’s and slide as far away from him as I can on the loveseat. I do it almost subconsciously. He looks hurt but doesn’t try to take my hand again. I take a drink of water and continue.

  “We talked and he apologized over and over and he begged me not to leave him. He made all kinds of promises. He promised to go to rehab. He swore the baby wasn’t his and that he didn’t even really believe she was pregnant. He was crying. It was awful.”

  I get lost in the memory of that night for a moment. I can picture Brady, literally on his knees, begging me not to leave him. I remember how conflicted I felt, and how he made me feel he needed me, that he couldn’t make it without me. My heart still hurts when I think of it.

  After a few moments, I snap out of my memory and focus again on what I’m doing now.

  “But, I stayed strong and didn’t give in. I told him I’d still be his friend and support him, but we weren’t going to be together anymore. After going around and around until three in the morning, he finally seemed to accept it. It was so late, and I was so tired, I agreed to stay there until a decent time when I could have Luke come pick me up. I told Luke before he left I’d call him when I needed to get picked up and he had texted me a few times asking me if I was okay. I thought I was.”

  Like with any good story, there’s a build up to the climax and I know my audience is hanging on every word. Marissa and Shannon are holding their breath, Ellen looks a little nervous, and Julian has completely tensed up. He’s already read the last page of this story so he knows how it ends. He also knows what’s about to happen in this chapter. I turn and look at him. I’m still not convinced he should hear this part.

  I whisper the words, “You can leave if you want.” He shakes his head at me. I shrug my shoulders and continue.

  “I told Brady I was going to sleep on the couch but he insisted he would. I went to his room and I fell right asleep. I was exhausted from all the drama and from the crying.” I know I sound apologetic when I say those words. “About forty-five minutes later, I felt him get into the bed. He was whispering he was sorry and that if this was our last night together he just wanted to hold me. I could smell the whiskey on his breath. I could smell pot too. I should’ve told him to get out but I was so tired and I was so sad so I said okay.”

  I shake my head at the memory, as if doing that would wipe it away. “I fucking said okay and I fell back asleep.”

  The memories are coming in waves right now and I start to shake. Julian reaches for me and I pull away. I haven’t told anybody what actually happened and right now I’m feeling as if it’s actually happening in real time. I want to run out of the room but I can’t move. I’m stuck to the chair and stuck in the past. I’m crying now and my voice isn’t much more of a whisper. I force the rest of the story out of my mouth.

  “I’m not sure how long we were like that but I woke up to Brady on top of me, trying to kiss me. He was naked and the skirt I was wearing was up around my hips. I could feel him pulling at my panties with one hand and the other one was holding one of my hands down. I tried to get him off me but I couldn’t. I begged him to stop. I bit him. He was so much bigger than me and I couldn’t make him move. I said everything and anything I could. I told him I wouldn’t break-up with him. He just kept saying he loved me and that we were meant to be together and that he was sorry and that I needed to let him apologize. He said I needed to let him make love to me. He had his eyes closed and it was like he wasn’t even there. I couldn’t get him to look at me or listen to me. I was screaming at him. He was so calm and I was frantic.”

  I take a deep breath and exhale through my sobs.

  “I had just found out he’d been sleeping with other women so I tried to get him to use a condom. I thought maybe he’d stop for a minute and I’d be able to get away. But he didn’t.”

  Once again I get lost in the memory of that night. I can almost feel him on top of me and i
t makes it hard for me to breathe. I think about his words, about him telling me he needed to make love to me, and it occurs to me for the first time why I’ve had an aversion to Julian saying those words to me. I find a tiny bit of clarity in this moment.

  My voice is slower when I continue. “It didn’t last long and when he was done, he just rolled off of me like nothing had happened. I jumped up, grabbed my phone, and locked myself in the bathroom. I think I was in shock because a sense of calm came over me. It was almost five by then, and I didn’t want to wake Luke up to come and get me. I didn’t want him to know and I convinced myself if I waited a little while I’d be able to pull it off. I waited about an hour and Brady didn’t get up once. I think he must’ve passed out. I texted Luke at six and asked him to come and pick me up. I tried to sneak out but Brady woke up when I was leaving. He got out of the bed, put shorts on, and followed me outside. He was trying to talk to me and didn’t seem to remember what happened. He kept asking me why I wouldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t even say the words. I couldn’t believe he didn’t remember he just raped me but I couldn’t say the words. Luke pulled up right after and got out of the car. Brady was extremely agitated because I wouldn’t say anything and Luke told me to get in the car. I turned and looked at Brady and said the only thing I could force out. I told him I’d never, ever forgive him for this.

  “When Luke and I pulled away he wanted to know what happened. He could see on my face I wasn’t okay. I told him everything, except the rape part. I told him about the other girls, about him hitting me, about him lying and using. I told him we were up all night and I was exhausted. I told him I was hung-over, which wasn’t true at all because I’d only had one drink. I gave him enough so he believed me. I convinced him I was okay and that I wanted to forget the whole night and never talk about it again. He didn’t ever ask about it again.”

  As I look around the room, I realize I did the same to all the people in this room too.