Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

Luke: I’m here if you need to talk about this. Just this.

  Alexa: Thanks. I’m good. Take care, Luke.

  Luke: You too, Lex.

  Tears well up in my eyes. How did we get here, Luke?

  After I stop texting I realize I’m going to have to tell Julian about my plans. He’s not going to be happy with this and if I had to bet, I’d say he’s going to want to go with me, which isn’t going to happen. I decide to tell him later, so he’s not annoyed about it the whole day.

  I finish doing everything I need to do today and figure nobody will care if I go home a little early. I stop by the hotel on my way home; I’m feeling this pull to go. After about ten minutes of looking for him, I find Julian outside by the pool. He’s talking to some guests who are enjoying the day. I watch from a distance as he animatedly talks to them. I can’t hear what he’s saying but everyone is smiling. He shakes one of their hands and turns to walk back into the building. He sees me standing by the door and a smile breaks out across his face. He walks toward me, takes my hand, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I’d like more, but we have an audience so this will have to do.

  “This is a nice surprise. I didn’t expect you. Are you okay?”

  Ugh. Always looking for the bad.

  “I’m good. I missed you. I’m heading home and thought I’d stop by for a kiss before I left.”

  I don’t mention that I’ve felt like a basket-case since he dropped me off.

  Julian pulls me around a corner where nobody can see us and puts both of his hands on my face. He presses his lips to mine and gives me a soft, sweet kiss. I wrap my hand around the back of his head and deepen it by sliding my tongue into his mouth and kissing him passionately. He slides his hands down my sides and pulls me close. The burst of passion that ignites is electric and for a few moments we both become lost in the kiss. We haven’t had sex since last Sunday and that’s a long time for us. At the start of this relationship I was doing everything I could to make things about the physical, and about the sex. I didn’t want the emotional. Now I feel like the pendulum has completely swung the other way and everything is emotional. I need it to swing back toward the center because I’m feeling so vulnerable.

  Julian tries to pull away and I cling to him tightly. I keep my mouth on his. His body on mine is a good distraction from my dark thoughts and I find myself feeling desperate for his touch. He kisses me for another few moments and then really pulls away. He’s panting and trying to catch his breath.

  “Wow. Where did that come from?”

  “Sorry. I guess I got carried away.” I try and catch my breath too.

  Julian kisses me softly. “Don’t ever apologize for kissing me like that. I just didn’t expect it.”

  “Good, because I’m not sorry. It wasn’t my intention to get you all riled up, especially here. It’s your fault really. I can’t help myself.” I try to make the mood light, even though that’s not how I’m feeling at all.

  He smiles and takes a step back.

  “I can’t help myself either. That’s why we need to stop. It’s been a while, baby, and I’ve missed you.”

  I stare at him and think about what he said about it being a while.

  “What, Lexie? And don’t say nothing. Your wheels are turning pretty fast right now.”

  I don’t deny it. “I just feel off. It has been a while and I get why, but when we aren’t connecting physically it makes me … uncomfortable.”

  He looks confused and totally unprepared for this conversation.

  “Uncomfortable, how?”

  “Like an important part of who we are isn’t working, like we’re disconnected.”

  I don’t want to go into a big, detailed discussion about how I need the physical connection to feel okay to feel balanced. How his touch distracts me from the emotions that keep overwhelming me. How the minute he drove away this morning I started to feel alone.

  He ponders what I said for a moment and then offers his response. “I could literally make love to you every day for the rest of our lives, so please don’t ever think I don’t want you, or want to be close to you. But you need to know, for me, this relationship isn’t just about sex. We’ve had some serious stuff going on lately and it hasn’t seemed right. It bothers me you feel disconnected because I’ve been feeling closer to you than ever before.”

  He sounds disappointed and a little hurt. I shrug my shoulders. I can’t change what I said because it’s really how I feel. I didn’t plan this conversation but now it’s happening and I can’t stop it.

  “I’m not sure what to say about this, except that you have an issue being close with me. You opened up so much in the last few days and let me in, and now you want things to be back to being only physical. It’s what you do when you start to get overwhelmed by your feelings. We need to get past this.”

  I try and backtrack a little. “I don’t only want you for your body. Don’t worry.”

  He doesn’t smile. “It’s not funny, and you know I’m right.”

  “Fine. Be right. I didn’t come here to argue. I’m not going to see you until tomorrow night and I wanted to give you a kiss. It didn’t need to turn into a big conversation about how unstable I am.” I take a step back now and turn to leave.

  “Tomorrow night? Didn’t you take the day off tomorrow? I thought we were going to hang out and then go to dinner.”

  Crap. Now I have to tell him what plans I made.

  “Oh, I’m going to go to West Palm Beach and meet with Brady’s mom.” I throw in a little lie. “She called me this morning and asked if I’d come and talk to her. I don’t really want to but she kind of begged.”

  Julian shakes his head in confusion.

  “What? She called you this morning, out of the blue, and you agreed to go. And failed to mention it all day?”

  His bullshit radar is going off.

  “You seemed busy and I knew you’d have a problem with it. I was going to tell you tonight.”

  “I can’t go with you tomorrow. I need to stay close by.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t think you could go. I know Ruben is out of town.”

  “And this is a perfect time because you don’t want me to go?”

  “Julian, stop trying to pick a fight with me. I didn’t come here to argue with you. I wanted to see you. I missed you and wanted a kiss and you’re giving me crap for that. Now I tell you I’m going to have a conversation with the mother of my dead ex-boyfriend, because she asked, and you’re mad about that too.”

  “En serio? You’ve just spun this around and made it about me. You’re the one over here telling me you feel disconnected from me. You tell me you forgot to mention you’re going to talk about one of the most traumatic events in your life with someone who randomly called you today, and I’m supposed to believe you? When did she call you?”

  I’m busted. There’s zero chance I’m mentioning Luke and confessing he was involved.

  “Tuesday. I wasn’t going to go but she called again today. I didn’t say anything because we have so much going on already. I figured this would be just another thing for us to argue about and I was right.”

  “Why are you going?”

  “Because I want this to stop. I want this behind me. I’m going so I can listen to what she has to say and move on. I’m tired of thinking about this and feeling so guilty. Her son died and for some reason she wants to talk to me about it a year later. I don’t know why. She didn’t want to talk then.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? Just like that?”

  “Yep. Just like that. Do what you need to do Lexie, you always do.”

  “Thanks for the support!”

  “Really? I’ve been nothing but supportive of you since day one. I sit here while you dole out bits and pieces of your life as you see fit. We get close, so close, and then you pull back. I actually don’t think this is a bad idea, you going, but once again it shows how little faith you have in me. You had no intention of telling me right now. It slipped out
and then you tried to make this about my reactions. Why don’t you make a list of the things we can talk about and the things I get to have an opinion about?”

  Oh my God, is this really happening? How is this happening? I wanted to see him and give him a kiss and now we’re fighting about the status of our relationship.

  “I’m not sure how this happened, how we got into a fight, but I’m sorry, Julian. I didn’t tell you and I should have.”

  I can’t explain the truth without mentioning Luke, which would be such a bad idea at this point.

  “I’m all over the place and if you want to know the truth, you’re right. I didn’t want to tell you about this. I didn’t want there to be another crisis for us to deal with. I want this weekend to be over. I want things to be normal. I just want to be normal.”

  “Lexie, things aren’t going to be perfectly fine because a date has passed. You know that. This is going to stay with you forever; it’s part of your story now. You may not want to hear that, but it’s true. You’re going to have to keep dealing with it. It’ll get easier, I promise, but you’re going to have to walk through this, not around it. I’ll walk through with you, if you let me, but you can’t keep holding back. It makes me question everything.”

  I move forward and wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry. I’m trying.”

  “I know and I don’t want to sound condescending, but I’m proud of you for doing this. I would’ve been supportive if you would’ve told me when it happened. We’ve had enough secrets between us. I don’t want you to ever think you can’t tell me something. You need to trust me.”

  Julian pulls away and pulls his phone out of his pocket. I basically hijacked the last thirty minutes of his day.

  “I’ve got to go back to work. Are you sure you don’t want to go to my place?”

  I shake my head. “I’m okay. I’m going to go up around eleven tomorrow. I’ll call you before I leave.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? Are we okay?’

  “Yes, we’re okay.”

  His smile tells me we are but as I walk away I feel horrible for lying to him about Luke and causing that big scene. I’m a fucking mess.

  I get home from the movies around eleven and get into bed. I’m tired and not looking forward to tomorrow at all. I wish Julian was here with me.

  Alexa: Good night. Xoxo

  Julian: Are you home?

  Alexa: Yes. Going to bed.

  Julian: Wish I was there

  Alexa: Was that a question

  Julian: No. A fact

  Alexa: Me too

  Julian: Sweet dreams mi amor

  Alexa: Talk to you in the morning

  Julian: nite

  Chapter Thirteen

  I almost turn around three times on my way to West Palm. I’m sick to my stomach and don’t want to do this. Julian helped calm me down and reminded me I can do this. I get there at noon. I hate that I’m late but I really had a hard time making myself leave the house. Marissa and Shannon helped push me out when I explained what I was doing. I guess they all figure this is going to help me. I’m not so sure anymore, and the closer I get to the house, the more anxious I become.

  When I pull up to Brady’s parents’ house, the first thing I notice is Luke’s car outside. My already racing heart starts to beat even faster than it was before, and I really start to panic. I can’t believe he’s here. Actually I can, but I’m still surprised. I sit in the driveway for about ten minutes convincing myself to go in. I finally get out and as soon as I get near the front I see Luke standing on the porch. I walk forward, my mind blank, not sure what I’m going to say to him. I’ve been preparing to talk to Judy and this is throwing me for a huge loop. Luke smiles and speaks first.

  “Hey, Lex.” His tone is soft and I hear the nerves in it.

  “Why are you here Luke?”

  “How are you?”

  He’s going to try and work around my anger but it’s not going to happen.

  “Cut the crap. You know I hate surprises. Why are you here?”

  He takes a deep breath. “Because Judy thought it would be a good idea. She wanted to talk to both of us. You wouldn’t have come if I told you I’d be here so I skipped that part. And, I wanted to see you.”

  “You’re right. I have no idea what I’m even doing here anymore and you didn’t need to drive all the way up here to be part of this.”

  “I didn’t. I moved back last week. And I am part of this whether you like it or not.”

  I’m shocked. He moved back? I know he left the hotel but I assumed he would just find another job in South Beach.

  “You moved back? Why?”

  Luke shrugs his shoulders. He looks tired.

  “My lease is up at the end of this month. My cousin Josh needed a roommate and I got offered a job at Surge. It all worked out, so I moved.”

  “But your whole life is in South Beach and you hate West Palm.”

  His eyes are downcast when he answers. “Things change. My life changed.”

  I don’t know how to feel. I’m still so mad at him. But, I also care about him and it bothers me he changed everything because of what happened between us. The conflicting emotions I have toward Luke are so powerful.

  “So did mine Luke.”

  Damn, I can’t help myself from biting on this line of conversation.

  “How are you?” He asks again in hope of a real answer.

  “I’m good Luke. No thanks to you.”

  The hurt side of me says that but the fact is, if Luke wouldn’t have forced this issue with Julian, I may never have told anyone about the rape. It’s brought me closer to my friends and closer to Julian.

  Luke looks like he’s about to say something but stops. He turns to walk into the house, looks over his shoulder and tells me to come in. I follow behind and find myself in the Richard’s massive foyer. I’ve been in the house a few times and am always blown away by the size. It baffled me that only three people ever lived here. With Brady gone, I can’t imagine why his parents would stay. I follow him into a room, the study perhaps, where Judy is sitting and waiting. She looks like she’s been crying and when I see her swollen eyes my anxiety revs up.

  She stands up and comes to give me a hug. We never really spent much time around Brady’s parents, but each time I saw his mom I remember thinking how strong she was; how confident and powerful. She’s a partner at a huge law firm, a trial attorney, and deals with the kind of cases that make the national news. Right now she’s a shadow of her former self. She looks frail and nervous. I guess that’s what losing a child does to a mother. My heart breaks for her.

  “Thank you for coming all the way here, Alexa. I’m sorry to surprise you with Luke. He said you would be mad but I thought it would be better if we all talked together.”

  Better for whom, I wonder? We sit down and I’m on a chair opposite of Judy. Luke is next to me on a loveseat. I look over at him and he smiles encouragingly. It’s the old Luke looking at me, supporting me, and I feel some of the anger melt away.

  “Luke was the one who suggested I call you. We had a very long talk last week and he told me a few things I didn’t know. Things I couldn’t have heard a year ago, or maybe even six months ago.”

  Oh no, what did he say? I face him and scowl. He lied to me. He said this was her idea.

  “I want to apologize first. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out to you since Brady died, or ever, really. You meant a lot to him and I should’ve taken the time to get to know you. I’ve been so angry at you, I couldn’t even say anything to you after the funeral. I knew you were hurting too, but I couldn’t and I’m so sorry for that.”

  Angry? With me? What did I do? I must look confused because Judy explains.

  “Brady wasn’t spending any time with us and he was with you. I didn’t understand why you didn’t do more to help him. I figured you had to have known he was in trouble. We had some idea he was using, but he wouldn’t let us in anymore. We didn’t know it was as b
ad as it was and to be honest, we thought it really was just alcohol, not drugs.”

  I sit silently. My blood is starting to boil. I’ll take the blame for some things, but not his drug use. That’s on him.

  “Luke explained to me that you did try to help him. That you all did. And that you’ve been blaming yourself for his death because you broke-up with him because of his drug use.”

  I turn and look at Luke. His expression is unreadable. I still don’t know how much she knows.

  “I’ve been living with horrible guilt and it’s almost wrecked my life. I don’t want you to feel the same way. That’s why you’re here. I can’t imagine the pain you felt when you found him and I’m horrified to say I’m happy it wasn’t me who did. It should’ve been me.”

  I’m still a little confused and not sure where this is going. She’s all over the place. She’s also really crying now and pausing regularly. She keeps drifting off into her own world. I can relate, so I’m trying to be patient, but I wish she would get to her point.

  “I was supposed to meet Brady that day. He called me and asked if I could come home and be with him. He told me he was drinking and that he needed help. He talked to me about taking him to rehab.”

  Oh my God. The light bulb goes off in my head. I see where this is going now. I instinctively slide forward in my chair and grab her hand.

  “You don’t know this either, Luke. I’m so sorry.”

  She’s really starting to cry now and so am I. I glance at Luke and see he’s shaken as well.

  “I was so mad at him that I said no. I told him to pass out and sleep it off. He had just told us a few days before that he failed his bar exam for the second time. He had also received two DUI’s in six months which his father had to make go away, and we had recently found out he had stolen fifty thousand dollars from a safe we have in the house. It was too much and I couldn’t deal with him.”

  I look at Luke and see by his expression he had no idea about the money or the second failed bar exam. We did know about the DUI’s.

  “After the second DUI, we tried to get him into rehab and he refused to go. He said it was only alcohol and that he would stop drinking. I believed him. I believed him until we got the coroner’s report that showed all the drugs in his system.”