Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  My contact with Brady’s family was very limited after the funeral and I wasn’t privileged to any of those details. I didn’t need them anyway. I knew about the cocaine and pot so this isn’t surprising.

  “Anyway, I was supposed to be the one to find him. It shouldn’t have been you. He called me back an hour later and begged me to come home. He said he needed me. I told him I had to finish prepping for a case and would be home in a few hours.”

  Her sobs are gut-wrenching now and I can’t help but break down too. Holy shit. His mom was supposed to find him and the note. My agreeing to see him was somewhat impromptu and I never promised I was going to show up. He was expecting his mom. It hits me that maybe he wasn’t seeking my forgiveness at all. But, I push that thought out as fast as it comes in. He did want me to forgive him. His texts and messages over the two weeks following the rape all said so. This is just not only about me. There’s plenty of blame, pain, and guilt to go around.

  I kneel in front of her and try to comfort her like so many people have tried to comfort me over the last year.

  “Judy, it’s not your fault. Brady made the choice. You didn’t do this to him. He was very sick.”

  She pulls away and smiles thinly. “Thank you, but, I was … am, his mom. He was sick and he needed me and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t live with the guilt so I’ve blamed you this whole time.” She turns and faces Luke. “And I blamed Luke too. Instead of reaching out to you, the people he loved, I shut you all out. Brady died thinking he didn’t matter to me. He probably hated me. That’s the part I can’t live with.”

  “It’s okay Judy. We all handle things differently. You lost your son. I can’t imagine your pain.”

  “You lost him too. And you too Luke, and I’m so, so sorry.”

  I wrap my arms around her again and we cry together. We cry for the man we both loved and who we couldn’t save; the man who let us both down and broke our hearts. I know I need to tell her about the note. She needs to know Brady wanted her forgiveness.

  I sit back down in my chair.

  “Judy, you aren’t the only one who has been hiding things.” I pause and look at Luke. He shakes his head. He thinks I’m going to tell her about the rape.

  “Finding Brady is the single worst moment in my life. There are no words. We had been having problems and I had broken up with him. He wanted to talk for weeks and I refused. I was very mad at him. I did know he was using and I knew it was bad. I tried to help, but he didn’t want help. He told me he would die if I didn’t forgive him.”

  Judy eyes widen when I say that.

  “Did you think he was serious?”

  I shake my head vehemently. “No, of course not. But like you, I’ve blamed myself for his death. I didn’t know he was having so many other issues. He kept all of that from me.”

  Judy shrugs her shoulders. “I guess there’s a lot neither of us knew. I wish we would’ve talked a year ago.”

  I turn my head to Luke. He doesn’t know about the note either. I smile thinly.

  “Judy, I wish we would have talked too, more than you know. This has been the hardest year of my life. I can only imagine how awful it’s been for you.”

  The thought that Brady’s dad, John, isn’t here crosses my mind for the first time. I wonder where he fits into all of this.

  “You need to know something though. Brady didn’t hate you. He wanted your forgiveness.”

  Judy smiles weakly at me. “That’s sweet and I’d like to believe that, but I’m the one who needs forgiveness.”

  I feel nauseous. “It’s true Judy. He left a note.”

  I turn and look at Luke and then back at Judy. Their mouths and eyes are wide open. Luke speaks for the first time since we sat down.

  “What are you talking about, Lexie? You never told me about a note.”

  Judy has gone white. Her voice is pained and anxious. “You found a note, and never said anything. How could you do that? Where is it? What did it say?” Her voice is raised now.

  I open my purse and pull the note out. I’ve kept it all this time. It has been in a box in my closet with a picture of Brady. I had hoped one day I’d be able to look at both and truly forgive him. I hand it to her.

  Judy unfolds the note and mouths the words, forgive me.

  “What does it say?” Luke’s voice is raised too.

  “Forgive me. It just says forgive me. That’s it.” She hands it to Luke so he can see for himself.

  Judy looks up at me. “You thought that was for you? You thought he killed himself because of you, all this time?” Her voice is softer now.

  My tears have started again.

  “Yes. I told him I might be coming over and I thought he wanted me to find it. I thought this was all because of me. I didn’t want anyone to see the note because I couldn’t handle the guilt. It destroyed me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  Something in Judy’s expression changes and I see the wheels turning in her head. She’s more attorney than mom at the moment.

  “What did Brady do that was so bad he needed your forgiveness?”

  I look at Luke again and he shakes his head slightly. He doesn’t want me to say anything about the rape. I can’t anyway. The words won’t come out. She doesn’t need to know that about her son. I can tell I’m not getting out of this without offering up something though.

  “Brady cheated on me, with several women. I found out a few weeks before he died.”

  She pauses and I can see she’s debating in her mind whether I’m telling the truth. I am, so she doesn’t question it.

  “So you know about Kim?”

  Kim? I have no idea who Kim is. Unless it’s the girl Brady was with that night. The one who said she was pregnant. The one who Luke told me was lying about being pregnant. Why does Judy know about her? My brain is rapid-firing thoughts and questions. I turn and look at Luke. “Who is Kim, Luke?”

  And because I know Luke, it becomes so blatantly clear why he told me that this girl was lying. Why he didn’t want me to come up to West Palm or have anything to do with Brady’s family. I hadn’t wanted to anyway but Luke really discouraged it. I’m going to make him say it.

  “The girl Brady was with that night.”

  I turn and look at Judy. “And she had a baby? Brady’s baby?”

  “Yes. I have a four-month-old grandson, Michael.” She smiles when she says it. She’s happy about this. Michael was Brady’s middle name. “And yes, we’re sure it’s his. We did a paternity test.”

  My head is spinning. This just keeps twisting and turning. A DNA test after he died? That must’ve been awful. I take a few deep breaths and try to figure out how I feel. I run through the list and realize I feel it all: mad, sad, betrayed, hurt, happy for Judy that a piece of Brady’s is still living, and relieved.

  I dig deep and pull out the happiness. “Congratulations. It’s a blessing for you to have a piece of Brady.”

  Judy gets up and takes a frame off of the desk behind her. If I had seen it when I walked in I would’ve thought it was Brady. His son looks so much like him. No DNA test was needed. My happiness is gone. I feel like someone just punched me in the gut. I’m not sure why I feel sick about this now. I guess it’s because the only thing Brady left me were scars that won’t seem to fade. I try to smile but it’s forced.

  “He’s beautiful. He looks exactly like Brady.”

  She nods. “He does.” There’s a big pause. “Kim is a good mom. She’s allowing us to be part of Mikey’s life and we’re grateful. She lives nearby with her parents and we see her and the baby regularly. John and I want to help as much as we’re allowed.”

  I really don’t know what to say to any of this. I think I’m in shock. I didn’t see Kim at the funeral and I believed Luke when he said she’d been lying about the baby. It’s so surreal to know this whole year has been filled with even more secrets than the ones I was keeping. I want to say something to Luke but it’s not the time.

  Judy senses I’m having a
hard time absorbing all of this and tries to comfort me, “This must be very hard for you. I thought you knew. Luke told me a few days ago you didn’t. There have been so many secrets.” Her voice tapers off and I know she’s thinking about the note.

  I nod. “I think they’re all out now, right Luke?”

  I want him to agree. The rape will remain buried. There’s no reason for Judy to ever know.

  Luke’s voice is almost a whisper and he can’t look at me, “Yes, Lexie.”

  I have reached my limit now and I feel myself shutting down. It’s what happens when I overload on the emotional stuff. I need to get out of here. I told them about the note. I have nothing left to offer in Brady’s world. I look at my watch and see I’ve been here for close to two hours. I know there will be multiple messages from Julian on my phone too. He was worried about me coming here alone.

  “Thank you for wanting to talk, Judy. I think it did us all some good to talk about this. I truly am happy for you about Michael. I hope you can move past some of the guilt. I know I have. There is still a long way to go but I have a great support system.”

  I stand up, grab my purse from the floor, and move toward the door. My exit is abrupt but I feel like I’m going to explode.

  “Thank you. Thank you for telling me about the note. I’m so sorry you’ve had to shoulder the guilt over Brady’s death by yourself. We could’ve leaned on each other.”

  She walks me to the door and Luke is right behind her. She hugs me tightly. “Please let me know if you ever need to talk. My door is always open.”

  I know in my heart this will be the last time I see Judy Richards in any personal context. I’ve laid all of my cards out on the table and I’m leaving this all behind me. I tell her I’ll be in touch but we both know I won’t. I walk quickly down the steps toward my car and hope I can get out of here before Luke catches up to me.

  I see him running down the driveway toward me and although I want to pull away, I can’t help getting the final word in with him too. I stop when I’m outside the gates and wait for him to catch up. I figure he’s going to walk around to my side of the window but he gets in the passenger side instead.

  “Get out, Luke.” My voice is laced with venom. “You’re a big fucking liar and I don’t want to ever see or talk to you again.”

  The adrenaline is pumping now and the hurt and angry feelings are rising to the surface. He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

  “How the fuck could you lie to me about a baby and then have me come up here and get ambushed like that?”

  “I was trying to lessen the pain for you. I thought it would be worse if you knew. I didn’t know Judy was going to say anything. She told me she only wanted to talk about the day he died. I came here last week and we talked for the first time in a really long time. She asked how you were and I told her you still felt so guilty. I didn’t know a lot of that stuff either, Lex. I swear. I just wanted to give you some peace. I know how much I hurt you. I wanted to try and fix it. I miss you so much.”

  “You can’t fix this, Luke. It’s so damn broken now.” The tears are coming again.

  Luke is looking at me with tears in his eyes and I can see the pain he’s feeling. There’s a tug on my heartstrings but my feelings of betrayal muscle out my feelings of love, friendship, or sympathy.

  “Are you the only one who’s allowed to keep secrets? Is that how this works? You act like you’re completely innocent in this.” He isn’t yelling and his question actually sounds sincere.

  In return, I try and keep my sarcasm to a minimum.

  “Are you really saying I think I’m innocent in all this? You’ve watched me tear myself apart with guilt over this for a year. I’m not innocent, Luke, and I’ve never pretended to be. But my secret, about the rape, was mine to keep if I chose. I know how hurt you must’ve been that I never told you, but I chose not to tell anyone. Nobody knew. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. It wasn’t about you!”

  “I was your best friend. Why couldn’t you tell me? There were so many chances over the year.”

  I look at him and shake my head. The tears are running down my cheeks. “I told Marissa and Shannon last week, and Ellen. They’re all hurt and feel betrayed and I’m dealing with that. I’d do things different if I had another chance but I can’t change the past. I did the best I could.”

  “And Julian? Does he know?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about Julian with you but the answer to your question is yes, he knows. He knows everything. You made sure that would happen.”

  “I’d apologize, but I guess it worked out well if you’re still together. It looks like I did you a favor.”

  The anger resurfaces. “Is that why you did it? You thought if he knew he would break-up with me? That’s beyond fucked up, Luke. FYI, Julian has been nothing but supportive of everything I’ve told him. You have no idea who he is.”

  “Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anymore, I guess.”

  I reach in my purse to pull out a tissue and I feel my phone vibrate. I look and see that Julian is calling. I also see he has texted twice and left a voicemail. I answer this call.

  “Hey you, I’m just finishing. I’ll call you in about ten minutes.”

  I hear him exhale on the other end of the phone. “Are you okay, baby?”

  “I’m okay. I’ll call you back soon.”

  “Okay. Bye”

  I hang up the phone and look at Luke. His head is tilted down and he has his hands pressed to his eyes.

  “If we’re done here you can get out now. I have to go home.”

  Luke leans his head back on the headrest and turns to look at me. His big, beautiful, blue eyes are wet. This is brutal.

  “I’ll get out but I have to say a couple things first, okay?”

  I consider telling him no for a moment but relent. I shrug my shoulders at him and cross my arms over my chest. “Fine.”

  “I really am sorry, Lex, for so many things. I shouldn’t have lied to you about the baby and I shouldn’t have tried to cause problems between you and Julian. Most importantly, I never should’ve said the things I did about Brady and what happened between you two. That was so fucked up for me to have made you talk about it with me and with Julian.” He takes a deep breath. “But, I love you. I’m in love with you and I have been for years, maybe since we met. I guess I thought you felt the same and were also too afraid to mess up our friendship. There were so many mixed signals.”

  He pauses and waits for me to confirm or deny my feelings for him.

  “I have so many conflicting feelings toward you at the moment, Luke, that it’s hard for me to sort it all out. But, I will tell you that prior to all this stuff that’s happened in the last few months, I did love you. I wasn’t in love with you, but you meant the world to me. I guess I always figured you didn’t feel that way about me, so I didn’t really ever go there in my mind after that first night. You watched me go in and out of relationships and never said anything. I was with your best friend and you never said anything. Why now? Why did you do this now? That’s what I’m most upset about.”

  Luke smiles thinly at me. I see the pain in his eyes and I know the words he says are hard to speak.

  “Because I knew it was real, Lexie, what you were feeling for Julian. I know you and I could see the change in you. I saw a change in him too. It was never real before so I never worried. I knew things weren’t going to work out between you and Brady. I had to fight this time. I didn’t want to lose you.”

  Whoa! I didn’t expect to hear that from him.

  “I think it’s way too early to be sending out wedding invitations, but yes, it’s real. If you knew that you could’ve just supported me and been happy for me. You could’ve been my friend. You ruined that.”

  “I tried. It might not seem like it, but I did. I didn’t want this, for us to be out of each other’s lives. But, at the end of the day I couldn’t live a lie anymore. There were too many lies between us already.
It made me crazy to see you with Julian. I could never be around you two. You’d end up hating me more than you do now.”

  I turn and look at him head on and let the tears fall. “I don’t hate you, Luke. I’m just so hurt. I miss you horribly. I think I’ll always miss you. But, I can’t see us being friends if I’m with Julian. And I am with Julian.”

  “I understand. I fucking hate it, but I get it.”

  I look at the clock. It’s three-thirty now. I told Julian I’d call him back in ten minutes and it’s been another thirty.

  “I really need to go.”

  I reach over and grab his hand and squeeze it. He pulls me in for a hug and holds me tightly. My tears flow because I know this is the last time I’ll be seeing Luke. My heart hurts and I can’t believe our friendship has ended like this. I pull away first and as I do he kisses me gently on the lips.

  “Take care of yourself, Hooka. Be happy. You deserve it.”

  I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. “You too. You do too.”

  He gets outs, turns and walks back up the driveway where his car is parked. As I pull away, I feel a little piece of my heart break off and crumble. I get back onto the highway before I call Julian. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hey you. That was a long ten minutes, I was getting worried.”

  “Sorry, we weren’t done yet. I’m on my way home and I’m okay.” I’m lying. I’m not really okay. I’m drained.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not now, not while I’m driving. I’ll tell you about it later tonight. I’m kind of talked out for the moment.”

  I hear the disappointment in his voice.

  “Okay.”

  He knows me enough by now to know I shut down and he would rather I didn’t. He also knows if he pushes it becomes worse.

  “Are you going home first or coming here. I told Dario we would be there at seven-thirty.”

  I really don’t want to go out to dinner tonight. I just want to go home and curl up under the covers.

  “I’m going to go home. I’ll probably run and I’ll meet you there by seven-thirty.”