Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  Julian hears something in my voice that makes him question my plan. “You’re coming, right?”

  “I just said I was. I’d rather stay in but you want to do this so I am.” Shit, that did not come out like I wanted to.

  “I know you’re in a bad mood. I can hear it and I get it. But, I’d really like to have a nice night with you so do you think you can leave the drama at the door for a night? We can deal with it tomorrow.”

  Seriously? My response was rude and his was ruder. He has no idea what I just had to deal with.

  “Excuse me. Is my bad mood interfering with your plans to celebrate my birthday? Something I have no desire to do anyway.”

  He backs off a little. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m looking forward to spending the evening with you and I was hoping you were feeling the same.”

  There’s no need for the guilt trip here.

  “Julian, we spend most nights together and I didn’t say I didn’t want to see you. I just said I’m not thrilled about celebrating my birthday, or anything. I’d rather stay in.”

  “I’ll see you at seven-thirty. It’ll be a nice night, I promise.”

  Something about the way he says it makes me think he’s planning something.

  “Julian, did you plan something other than dinner?”

  “No. I’ll see you later.”

  We say our goodbyes and I can’t help but think he’s lying. I made it clear I didn’t want to make a big deal out of my birthday and I hope he didn’t.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I get home close to five-fifteen because I needed to stop for gas and hit some road construction traffic on I-95. I’m disappointed nobody’s home. I was hoping one of my roommates would be. I wouldn’t mind talking about what happened with Luke with them before I share it with Julian. It’ll help me be less emotional. I send a text to both of them to see what’s up and find out they’re together.

  Alexa: Where are you two?

  Marissa: Out with Shannon and Cory. Dinner and movie. You ok?

  Shannon: How’d it go?

  Alexa: Shitty. Learned a lot. Luke was there.

  Marissa: WTH?

  Shannon: Why?

  Alexa: Long story. Tell you tomorrow. Going for a run and then dinner with Julian.

  Marissa: You sure you’re ok?

  Alexa: Yep. Bad mood. Don’t want to go out.

  Shannon: GO

  Marissa: yes, GO

  Alexa: ttyl

  I change into shorts and a tank and head out for a run. It feels good. I think about my day and the running helps clear my head. I needed this. Before I know it, I’ve run close to five miles. I look down at my watch and see it’s already six forty-five. Shit. I’m going to be late. I still need to shower, get ready, and get down to South Beach in forty-five minutes. It’s not happening. I text Julian so he knows I’m going to be late. We’re just eating at Ursa’s so I don’t expect it’ll be a big deal.

  Alexa: Running late. Lost track of time on my run. Getting in shower now.

  Julian: En serio? You lost track of time?

  Alexa: You can be mad at me later. I need to get ready. Be there by 8.

  He doesn’t respond and I try and push it out of my mind. We’ve made some great steps in the right direction these past two weeks, but we got into that little argument yesterday and I don’t have it in me to fight with him today. I wish he’d understand a night in with him would be preferable over a night out. He just doesn’t get it so here I am forcing myself to go out. It’s progress though. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have gone. I would’ve crawled under the covers and felt sorry for myself. I still want to do that, but I’m not going to.

  While the water is warming up, I assess my hair to see if I can get by without washing it. I ran with it in a ponytail and if I keep it in one I think I can make it work. I love dry shampoo. I take a super-fast shower and start tearing apart my closet looking for something to wear. I’m really not in the mood to wear something sexy or dressy. I’d love to put on jeans and call it a day but we’re going to be at the hotel, people will see us, and I know Julian will look nice. That’s the problem with dating someone like Julian. He always looks good, in style, and appropriate. He also always attracts attention. It’s especially annoying at times like this when I just don’t care.

  I finally decide on a pair of dark, ankle length, cropped skinny jeans and a sleeveless, black fitted faux-leather top with a laser cut design. Julian hasn’t seen me in it and I know he will like it because it also accentuates my boobs. I slip my feet in a pair of Jerome Rousseau, black and white, giraffe-print peep-toe pumps with flirty cutout sides. I add some silver bangles, my favorite silver hooped earrings, and fix my hair into a messy, boufannt-ish ponytail that hides the fact I didn’t wash it. I do my best to hide my swollen eyes. It’s hard because I’ve been in tears all day. I do a quick once over in the full-length mirror in my closet, decide this is as good as it’s going to get, and walk out the door by seven-thirty. I got ready in record time. I send Julian a quick text when I get in the car.

  Alexa: On way. See you in 20

  I don’t get a text back and assume he’s busy working. I pull into the hotel parking lot at five after eight and park next to Julian’s Jag. Free and great parking is definitely a perk of being the owner’s girlfriend. As I make my way to Ursa’s, I see a few people Julian has introduced me to and they all make a point of smiling and saying hi, everyone except Candace that is. She scowls at me and turns away. Whatever. I’m not going to let her ruin what exists of my decent mood, which isn’t much.

  I don’t feel comfortable walking into the back by myself, where I assume we’ll be eating, so I walk through the front entrance instead. I see Marissa, Shannon, Cory, Lauren, and Jenna immediately. They’re sitting at a table near the back, clearly trying to surprise me. My heart sinks. I really didn’t want to have a birthday party and I made it clear to all of them, especially Julian. It doesn’t even make a difference these are my nearest and dearest. I’m not in the party mood. I take a deep breath and try to fake a smile as I walk over. I won’t fool any of them anyway so I’m not sure why I bother. I don’t see Julian and wonder where he is. Marissa sees me first and gets up to come greet me. She doesn’t look happy and I see the worry in her eyes. What the hell is going on?

  “Lexie, don’t be mad. We all really wanted to celebrate your birthday this year. We wanted to start it off right because last year sucked so badly for you.”

  I give her a hug. “It’s okay, Marissa. I get it. I just didn’t want to do this tonight. It’s been a shitty day.”

  I look around the restaurant again. “Where’s Julian, anyway?”

  Marissa looks down and when she looks back up I can tell she’s about to tell me something really bad.

  “I’m not sure he’s going to be joining us.”

  I’m really confused. “Um, why would you think that? He planned this, didn’t he?”

  “Lex, you’re not going to be happy with me but I kind of said something I think really pissed him off. He didn’t say anything but he left about twenty minutes ago and hasn’t come back. We’ve been sitting here not really sure what to do.”

  My heart starts to race. “What did you say, Mari?”

  “He asked me if I talked to you and if you were okay with what happened today. I told him it stressed you out to have to deal with Luke.”

  “Fuck, Marissa! I didn’t even have a chance to tell him I saw Luke. I’m sure he’s more than pissed!”

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you hadn’t told him.”

  I shake my head. Great. I walk over to the table.

  “I’m going to go find Julian. You should stay. I’ll be back soon … I hope.” I start to walk away and then turn around and face my friends.

  “Thank you for coming. I love you all.”

  I have no idea where Julian is. He didn’t answer my text earlier and now I know why. I don’t bother texting again. I walk over to the front desk and
ask the girl working if she knows where Mr. Bauer is. Candace is standing close by and answers for her, “He’s in his office, Alexis, but he’s very busy. I can tell him you came by.”

  “Candace, you can keep acting like you don’t know my name or who I am, but it doesn’t change the fact I’m Julian’s girlfriend. Deal with it.”

  I flash a big, fake smile and walk past on my way down the hall to his office. The door is open slightly and I peek in. Julian’s sitting in his chair at his desk but the chair is turned the opposite way facing the windows that look outside. I walk in and shut the door behind me. The chair doesn’t turn.

  “Hey you,” I say as I walk up next to him. His head is back against the chair and his eyes are closed. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was asleep or meditating. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. Wow, he’s pissed. His look almost stops me but I really don’t want to fight. I bend down to kiss him and he turns his face away from me. He’s never done that before and it throws me for a loop. I decide, on the fly, I’m going to pretend I don’t know what he’s mad about.

  “You’re this mad because I’m a little late? Sorry. I saw everyone at Ursa’s and nobody else is mad.”

  “Maybe your friends already know how inconsiderate you are and they expect it from you. But you being late is the last thing I’m pissed about, Alexa.”

  Oh, he’s mad alright. And that was just plain rude. I let it slide. “Care to share, Julian?”

  I move so I’m right in front of him and lean against the window sill. Julian looks me up and down and I catch a flash of desire in his eyes. He thinks I look good. He does too. He’s wearing a pair of black slacks and a white, long-sleeve polo with the sleeves rolled up.

  “Want to tell me about your day now, or still not in the mood? I mean you must be tired of talking about it with Marissa and Shannon, and with Luke.”

  He looks at me challengingly, like he’s waiting to catch me in a lie. Damn. I was going to tell him everything. I just didn’t want to do it over the phone.

  “You obviously had a little chat with Marissa or Shannon. So, I’m surprised they didn’t tell you I haven’t really talked to them either. I sent them a text. I can show it to you.”

  I reach into my purse and Julian shakes his head.

  “As far as Luke goes, I didn’t have to talk to him about my day at all. He was there and witnessed the whole thing. I had no idea he was going to be there either. I had every intention of telling you all about my incredibly shitty day when we saw each other tonight. I didn’t want to start crying in the car and get into an accident. So, sorry if my disclosure wasn’t in your time frame.”

  Julian purses his lips and it looks like he stops himself from saying something. He pauses for a moment and then speaks. His tone is cold and calculated.

  “First of all, nothing in this entire relationship has happened on my time frame, so don’t give me that bullshit. Everything you do or don’t do, or say or don’t say is when you fucking want to. I just have to sit around and wait until you decide I’m worthy of knowing it, right? We talked about this yesterday, about you not telling me things. I told you it wasn’t working for me.”

  I match my tone to his. “So much for being understanding, huh, Julian. But, newsflash, you don’t have to sit around and wait for shit. Nobody is forcing you to stay.”

  He shakes his head at me. “You just don’t get it, do you? He’s gone, but he really isn’t. He’s still sharing these personal moments with you. He’s comforting you. You want me to believe you didn’t know he’d be there, but I don’t. It’s why you didn’t tell me in the first place. I’m fucking over it! If you want to be with Luke then be with him. I don’t want to deal with this fucking drama anymore. We can’t go for more than a week without some stupid bullshit coming up and it always comes back to Luke. Maybe you two are meant to be together. I’m fucking sick of working so hard for something that isn’t getting me a good return. I have women throwing themselves at me every day, and I just keep chasing after you. It’s a joke. This is a joke!”

  I stand there for a minute and try to catch my breath. I feel like he just punched me in the stomach. I can’t believe what he’s saying.

  “You’re over it? Over me? That’s ironic because you were the one who fucking begged me to stay. I wanted out so you wouldn’t have to deal with all my drama and you wouldn’t leave.”

  Great, here come the tears again. I’m a hot mess today. Julian continues to look at me with ice in his eyes.

  “I was ambushed today! I had no idea he’d be there. You can believe it or not, but it’s the damn truth! But, you know what? I’m glad he was there. I got to tell him how great things were between you and me. I got to clear the air and get closure so I could really move on. I got to hear how he’d been lying to me for a year about how Brady had a baby with that girl he was with that last night. A baby, Julian. I got to tell him there’s no way he and I could ever have a relationship of any kind because I chose you. I said goodbye to him forever.”

  Julian just keeps looking at me, like he’s waiting for me to say something that makes him feel better.

  I’m so hurt that my words are coming out in tear-infused bursts.

  “You knew this weekend was going to be hard for me and you don’t even care. You planned a party after I told you repeatedly not to. So, sorry you wasted the effort. I’m not celebrating tonight. Consider yourself off the hook for having to deal with my drama, Julian. Feel free to go find another woman who gives you everything you need and is a better return on your investment!” I point back and forth between us. “This, this joke, is over!”

  I can’t deal with anything else today. I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto my composure all day and I can’t anymore. I move to get by him and he grabs my hand. I don’t even look at him and yank it away.

  “I’ll let my friends know.”

  As I walk toward the door, Julian moves stealthily around me and gets in front of me.

  “We aren’t done talking. You always act like I have no reason to be upset about anything. Like you can do whatever you want and it’s okay. You don’t always get to have the last word and walk away. You need to grow up and think about someone else’s feelings for a change.”

  “Move, Julian, I’m done talking. You said what you needed to say and so did I.”

  I’m so mad and so hurt that it really doesn’t register I’m breaking up with him. I just want to run.

  He stands in front of the door and doesn’t move. His arms are crossed and his expression is steely.

  “We aren’t done talking. Turn around and go sit down.”

  My voice is laced with venom and comes out in a hiss.

  “Are you going to physically make me do something I don’t want to? You know I can’t move you.”

  He understands the inference in my comment and looks stunned. It’s a low blow but I want to leave. He looks at me with shock in his eyes and steps to the side. I open the door and walk away. I don’t look back.

  I walk as fast as I can to my car. I keep my head down because I don’t want anyone to see my tear-streaked face. Thankfully, Candace is nowhere to be seen. I feel bad that my friends are in the restaurant waiting but there’s no way I’m going back there. I get into my car and text Marissa.

  Alexa: I just left. Broke up with Julian. Sorry.

  Marissa: WTF. Where are you?

  Alexa: In car. Going home

  Marissa: This is crazy. Stop. I’m coming to you.

  I back out and drive up a few stories so it looks like I left. I don’t want to see Julian if he decides to look for me. I text Marissa again to let her know where I am. Ten minutes later I see Marissa, Jenna, and Lauren walking toward me. They open my doors and get in the car.

  Jenna explains where the others are, “Shannon and Cory are paying the bill. Julian came in and tried to take care of it. He kept asking where you were.”

  Lauren chimes in, “Julian looked so upset, Lex. What happened?”

&nb
sp; I tell them exactly what happened. I can tell Marissa feels awful for saying anything. I assure her this isn’t her fault. When I’m done, they’re all looking at me with confusion on their faces.

  “What part do you all not get? He was wrong. I didn’t do anything this time. I didn’t know Luke would be there and I wasn’t hiding anything. So, fuck it! I’m not dealing with this anymore. I never do anything right. I just want to be left alone with my craziness. And you can all stop looking at me like you’re surprised. It was only a matter of time!”

  “This is stupid. You guys aren’t breaking up. He over-reacted and so did you. Go talk to him.”

  “Thanks, Mari, but no. I didn’t over-react and I don’t want to talk to him. You really think I should I go listen to him tell me how he can get any girl he wants and how I’m not a good investment. Fuck that! What I want to do is go somewhere else and have a few drinks and forget about this shitty day that has turned out even worse than I ever imagined. Are you guys in or out?”

  They look at each other and know this isn’t up for discussion anymore. At the moment I’m pissed and hurt and being stubborn. The broken heart will come later and they know it. But, they’re good friends who wanted to celebrate my birthday with me so they agree to go out. Jenna texts Shannon and Cory who say they will meet up with us soon. We agree to go to a club called Reign a few blocks over on Washington Avenue. We already have parking at the hotel so we leave my car there and walk. Marissa promises she’ll drive home, which is her way of giving me the green light to party. I accept and for the next few hours I do just that.

  On the outside I might be able to convince an onlooker I’m okay. I’m dancing and drinking, smiling and laughing. Inside I’m completely devastated and I keep drinking to push away the sadness and pain that followed me home from West Palm earlier today. Of course I can’t stop thinking about Julian. I really just want to go back to him and start tonight all over again. I want to be in his arms. But, my pride won’t let me. He showed me today he still thinks about walking away and I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch that happen. I know my life has sucked and been full of drama. I didn’t need him to point it out. I live it. That’s why I’ve been alone. I didn’t want to drag anyone else through it.