Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “I’m good. Buzzed, but good. It actually feels great to not be thinking about all my problems. I needed this. I’m glad you called.”

  Luke smiles at me as we pull into my driveway. The silence is a bit awkward as we both think about what to do or say next. Things are more normal than they have been but there’s definitely tension in the air between us. I try and break it.

  “It’s Sunday night and True Blood is on in an hour. Do you want to come in and watch with me? It hasn’t been the same since I stopped watching it with you.”

  “Are you sure you want me to come in? I’m happy we’re talking but I don’t know that things can just go back to how they were before.”

  Okay, that was a fail.

  “Then don’t come in. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to, but whatever.”

  I start to get out of the car and he grabs my arm. His hand is warm and soft against my skin.

  “You’re buzzed, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to go. I’m thinking about you.”

  I turn and look at him. “I want to watch True Blood with you. It’s not a big deal. Come in or go, it’s your choice.”

  I get out of the car and hear his door open on the other side. We walk silently into the house and find an empty living room. I didn’t see Shannon’s car and assume she’s at Cory’s. Marissa’s light was out so I assume she’s asleep. She’s been getting up really early and running before she goes into work. I keep saying I’ll go with her but I haven’t had the energy to run lately.

  “Do you want something to drink?”

  I walk into the kitchen to get myself some water. I also grab a few crackers and a piece of cheese. I barely ate my hamburger and I do need to eat something.

  Luke asks for some water, so I grab two bottles and head back to the living room. I tell him I’m going to change and throw him the remote. I put on a pair of black yoga pants and the same pink t-shirt I was wearing earlier and go back to the living room. I sit on the couch next to him but keep a good amount of space between us. In the old days I’d be leaning on him, or lying in his lap. I wonder to myself if he’s thinking about that too. The episode from last week is on and we watch the last half hour and talk about what’s been going on with the show this season.

  We stop talking as the new episode comes on and watch in silence. I’m not sure which one of us moved first but the space between keeps getting smaller as the time passes. Pretty soon we’re right next to each other and Luke’s leg is touching mine. I lean my head over and put it gently on his shoulder. I feel him stiffen and sit straight back up. I move away quickly and create more space between us. He sees the distressed look on my face and reaches over. He grabs my hand and squeezes it.

  “It’s okay. Sorry about that.”

  “No, I’m sorry. You’re worried about me being uncomfortable but it’s really the other way around. You’re uncomfortable, and I made it worse.”

  “I feel too comfortable around you. That’s the problem. It feels right and it really isn’t.”

  I sit there and think about what he’s saying. I try and process how I’m feeling. Besides buzzed, that is. I think about Julian and how I feel about him and about Luke and how I feel about him. As the show plays I acknowledge the reality that there isn’t enough room in my world for both of these men, even though my heart feels the absence of either in such a profound way. I know Luke can’t replace Julian and I know I don’t love him like I love Julian. I don’t think I will ever love someone like I love Julian. But at the same time, being with Julian never really erased my feelings for Luke. As I ponder this I feel the sadness that has been enveloping me since Julian and I broke up creep back in. I want it to stop so badly. I’m so tired of feeling devastated.

  I get lost in my mind for a bit and when I snap out of it I notice Luke staring at me. I can’t read his expression but I know what I want it to mean. I want something to make this darkness disappear and Luke can do that. It’s so wrong and I know it but I’m sinking and I’m desperate and he feels like a lifeline. Before I change my mind, I lean over, put my hands on his face and place my lips softly on his. A mix of emotions flash in his eyes as my lips touch his: confusion, desire, love, and fear meet my gaze. I should stop before I do any real damage, but he responds to my kiss by pulling me onto his lap and kissing me with the same intensity of our last kiss; the one that happened when he declared his love for me.

  A wave of emotion crashes through me as his soft, warm tongue touches mine and finds its way into my mouth. Luke is a great kisser and physically my body is coming alive as he deepens the kiss and holds me tightly to his chest. I push away the feelings of wrongness that are gripping me and trying to pull me back to reality. If he wants this and I want this, then it isn’t wrong, right? He seemingly reads my mind and pulls away for a minute.

  “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stop, so if you aren’t sure you want this to go further, you need to pull away now.” His voice cracks over the words and I see the indecision in his eyes. He needs me to show him I want this too. Despite that I know I’m consciously making an extremely bad decision, I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to hurt and feel empty anymore. I want to feel special again. I want to be the only one and in this moment, to Luke, I am.

  I stand up, grab his hand and lead him to my bedroom. I think about the last time we were in this position, over seven years ago, and I think about the condoms I have in my dresser drawer from when Julian and I first started sleeping together. Julian. My heart starts to race as I push away the thoughts of the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. He has a new life now and there’s no going back.

  I shut the door behind Luke as he walks in the room and turn the light off as well. The moon is shining through the window and my room is softly illuminated. It’s oddly romantic. Luke takes me in his arms and holds me close to him. I can feel his heart pounding against his chest. He looks down at me with that same look of indecision in his eyes.

  “I’m a total bastard for letting this go so far, and I know it. But I can’t help myself. I’ve wanted you for seven years and even if this isn’t what you really want, even if I’m not who you really want, I can’t walk away from you again.”

  My heart breaks with his words. He knows how I feel about Julian and he doesn’t care. But he isn’t the bad one here. I am. I know he won’t be okay with this after it’s done. Things will change between us once again and it won’t be in a positive way. I’m not ready to be with him past tonight. I owe him that truth at least. I look up at him and give him a way out.

  “I have no idea what will happen if we do this. It might break our hearts even more than they’ve already been broken. I can’t promise you anything other than my word that you’re not taking advantage of me and that I want this to happen. I care about you deeply. I always have, but I’m broken, Luke, and I don’t have anything to give you.”

  My words trail off into the darkness as Luke’s lips find mine. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck and pull him tightly to me. As I close my eyes and feel the silkiness of his tongue against mine, I can’t help but think of Julian for a moment. I take a deep breath and force all thoughts of Julian out of my mind. Luke’s hands, not Julian’s, are pulling my shirt over my head and slipping my bra off of my shoulders. It’s Luke’s voice, not Julian’s, whispering how beautiful I am in my ear. It’s Luke’s strong, muscular body, not Julian’s, that’s lying next to me and melting the icy sadness that’s been gripping my heart.

  I keep my eyes open and on Luke so I don’t forget who is here with me, which man is bringing my body to life with his soft, reverent touch and passionate kisses. I think briefly about all the girls Luke has been with. I suspected he’d be a good lover and I’ve always known there was physical chemistry between us, but I’m taken aback by the gentleness he’s showing me. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that this man really loved me, it’s gone now. I can feel it in every single touch and with every sing
le word he utters. He’s making my body feel incredible and at the same time my heart is breaking.

  I whisper in the darkness and blink back the tears that are threatening to spill from my eyes.

  “I don’t want to hurt you. This is wrong. I can’t give you what you want.”

  “I want you. I want to make love to you. I need to make love to you. I know this might be a onetime deal but right now I don’t care. Let me love you tonight, Lexie. Please.”

  And with those words I let go because I need it too. I give myself to Luke in every way I’m able to. I reach up and pull his shirt over his head so I can feel his naked torso against mine. When his chest makes contact with my breasts he moans and it lights a fire in me. He pulls back and begins to caress my breasts. As his fingertips brush delicately over my nipples, I shudder involuntarily. I reach down at the same time as Luke and we both work on removing the rest of each other’s clothes. In minutes we’re both completely naked and pressed up against each other and I feel Luke’s erection against my stomach. I whisper in his ear I have condoms in the drawer next to the bed and a smile breaks out across his face. He looks beautiful in the moonlight.

  He reaches into the drawer for a condom and I’m taken back to the moment, seven years ago, when the absence of one changed the trajectory of our relationship. I wonder if we would’ve had a condom, or if we would’ve had sex regardless, would we still be together today. I play the “what if” game in my head. What if we would’ve stayed together and I never hooked up with Brady. I wouldn’t have been raped or emotionally wrecked by that relationship. I wouldn’t have met Julian either, or loved Julian. I wouldn’t have been destroyed again and left broken-hearted. If I would’ve slept with Luke all those years ago my life would’ve been totally different. This is what I think. This is how I justify what I’m about to do. This is how I make myself feel it’s okay to make love to a man who loves me, but who isn’t the man who owns my heart. I tell myself it should’ve been Luke all along. Luke doesn’t know my body like Julian does, but his skilled touch and desire to please me, make me forget that everything about this night is wrong.

  “You’re so beautiful. I’ve dreamed about being with you like this for so long.”

  Luke repeats the words and does what he’s saying as he makes his way down my body.

  “I’ve dreamed about kissing your neck and running my tongue across your collarbone. I’ve dreamed about sucking on your nipples and holding your breasts in my hands. I’ve dreamed about kissing every inch of your body from your forehead to your toes. I’ve dreamed of licking you until you came apart in my mouth.”

  As Luke enacts his dreams I can’t do much but moan softly and move into his touch. It feels so good. I let myself get swept up in the feeling of Luke’s silky tongue in my mouth, on my breasts, and between my legs. As I climax from the perfect pressure he’s putting on my clit, I remember all the times I sat at the bar at Bullwinkle’s and thought about having sex with him. And when I turn the tables, take him in my mouth and make him moan with ecstasy, I think about how I wanted to do this to him that night at the frat party. There was a time when having sex with Luke Miller was a dream of mine too and tonight I’m going to fulfill every fantasy I’ve ever had about him over the years. I’m going to do everything I can to stay in this moment and stay connected to the man who’s in my bed; the man who told me he wanted to be my happily ever after.

  As Luke positions himself above me and rolls the condom on, I see the questions that are still lingering in his mind. We’re about to cross a line we can’t uncross. Up until this moment the only thing we haven’t done together is have sex. Over the last seven years Luke and I have laughed together, cried together, and helped each other through some very hard times. We’ve travelled together, spent holidays together, and he’s taken care of me when I was sick. We’ve watched each other share our hearts and lives with others, me more than him, and he truly has seen me at my very best and my very worst. The magnitude of all we’ve shared and meant to each other has never been more obvious as it is to me, right now, as I’m about to make a decision that could really change our lives forever.

  I nod my head slowly. “I want you, Luke.”

  A shy smile crosses his face. It’s what he needed to hear. He bends over and places a sweet kiss on my swollen lips. Then Luke guides himself into me and begins to thrust in a steady, yet controlled rhythm. He continues to look at me as if he’s waiting for me to change my mind. I won’t. I want this too. But, I want more. I’m longing for the feeling of oneness I felt with Julian. In my attempts to silence my thoughts, I reach around, grab his ass and pull him closer. He couldn’t be any deeper inside of me and the feeling of his naked, hot, trembling body pressed against mine extinguishes an ache I’ve been unable to soothe. In this moment, Luke being inside of me feels right.

  “I said I want you and I mean it.”

  My gesture and my words spur him on and I instantly see a different Luke emerge. The controlled, hesitant lover that’s been by my side for the last hour is gone. He’s been replaced by a man who has made the decision to let go. The man inside me is desperate to connect with me on every level imaginable to fill the emptiness inside of him. I recognize it because I’m so familiar with the feelings. I let Luke take control and let him take what he needs from me in the hopes I’ll get what I need in return. Although this is the first time we’ve been together like this, we’re innately able to find a familiar and in-sync rhythm. It’s as if my body knows it can trust Luke’s. Our eyes remain locked and Julian is banished from my thoughts as I give myself to Luke.

  I’m completely unprepared for the rush of feelings that course through my body as Luke holds me tightly and explodes into me. Every drop of feeling I have for him comes bubbling up to the surface. He calls my name as his orgasm races through him and with his words I feel special.

  When he’s spent, he lies down on top of me and catches his breath for a moment. When he moves to pull out, I grasp at him and hold him closer. I’m so afraid that as he pulls away, everything else that isn’t in this moment will come flooding back in. I think he understands when he whispers, “It’s okay. I’m here.”

  I let go slowly as he rolls backward and gets off the bed to use the bathroom. When he returns a few minutes later, he climbs under the sheets I’ve pulled up around me and pulls me into his arms. He looks me deeply in the eyes and makes a plea.

  “I don’t want to talk about this tonight. I want to savor every amazing feeling I’m experiencing until we have to deal with reality. I want to lie here with you in my arms and fall asleep to the sound of you breathing. Can we do that, Lex? Can we just be for a little while?”

  His words bring me to tears and as a lone one escapes and makes its way down my cheek, I nod. I’ll give him what he asks because I want this feeling to last as long as it possibly can too. I need this for me.

  We don’t talk about what just happened between us or about anything else for the rest of the night. There’s nothing to say. We both know the morning is going to come quickly and the reality of our relationship is going to have to be dealt with. In our silence, we tacitly agree we will live in this moment until the light comes. I fall asleep with Luke Miller’s strong, loving arms wrapped around me. I fall asleep listening to the sounds of his breathing and the feel of his fingers sliding gently up and down my back. I fall asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  When my alarm goes off at eight in the morning, the reality of what happened last night hits me like a ton of bricks. I take a deep breath before I roll over to acknowledge Luke in my bed, except, Luke isn’t in my bed. I sit up quickly and find him sitting in the chair across the room. He’s just sitting there, completely dressed, staring at me. I’m having a hard time reading his expression, but he doesn’t look happy.

  “Morning. Have you been up long?” I’m not sure what to say.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve been up for a while. I know you have to work so I figured you’d get up so
on. I wanted to say goodbye before I left.”

  A chill passes over me and I pull the sheet tightly against my naked body and sit up. I lean over quickly and grab my shirt and shorts that are lying next to the bed. I slip them on and move to the end of the bed so I’m closer to Luke. I may be imagining it, but as I move closer to him, he moves back in the chair. He wants the distance. I’m a little surprised, and a little hurt by the coldness he’s projecting. So I do what I do and get defensive. “Well thanks for staying to say goodbye. You could’ve just left a note on the dresser promising to call me again soon.”

  Luke shakes his head and I can tell he isn’t amused.

  “Is this funny to you?”

  “Is what funny? I’ve been awake for two seconds and I haven’t had time to form a thought. You’re staring at me with an expression I’ve never seen from you, and you’re dressed and ready to run out the door. What do you want me to say?”

  Luke puts his head in his hands for a minute and when he looks back at me his eyes are sad and wet. “I really don’t think that I can do this.”

  “Do what, Luke?” My voice sounds panicked. He’s freaking me out a little.

  “I stayed to say goodbye to you, Lex. A real goodbye. But the words won’t come out.”

  His meaning comes across loud and clear. “Then don’t say it, please. We can figure this out.”

  He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I have figured it all out. That’s the problem. Everything is crystal clear.”

  In this moment, the moment where he really is going to walk out of my life, I realize how much I don’t want to lose him.

  “Can we talk about this? Please. You didn’t want to talk last night and I agreed, but I want to talk now.” My voice is desperate and my stomach is in knots.