Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  Luke gets up and sits next to me on the bed. He looks me right in the eyes. He looks tired and sad. He looks nothing like he did last night when he was looking at me.

  “Do you love me?”

  I don’t hesitate. I don’t need to. I nod vigorously. “Yes, Luke, I do. I have for years.”

  “Are you in love with me?”

  This time the words won’t come out. I can’t, or won’t, lie to him. I shake my head very softly.

  “I care about you so much and last night was amazing. It felt so good to be with you. It was more than I ever imagined it could be.” I’m grasping at straws, trying to find the words that will convince him what I feel is enough.

  He takes my hand in his. I can feel it shaking ever so slightly so I hold on tighter.

  “Lexie, last night was the best night of my life. It was the first time I’ve ever made love to anybody. I didn’t even know that either. I didn’t know what it felt like to be that connected to someone. So I understand when you say it was more than you ever could’ve imagined. I’ve dreamed about making love to you for years, and I never imagined how much closer to you it would make me feel.”

  I’m encouraged by his words. I went to sleep last night not knowing how I’d feel in the morning and for some reason, right now, I have a sense of clarity. I don’t want to lose Luke again. Based on how I felt last night, I think we may have a shot at making this work. I tell him so.

  “That means more to me than I can explain. I’ve never felt so close to you either. It felt right, didn’t it?”

  To convince him, I lean over and press my lips to his. He responds by putting his hands on my face and kissing me deeply. For a few moments, I’m certain there isn’t going to be a goodbye said today. Unfortunately the feeling doesn’t last, and as Luke pulls himself completely away, I know he’s unconvinced my feelings are real. I go on the offensive.

  “I know things have been off between us and I know there are things we would need to deal with and work through, but we care about each other enough to try this.”

  Luke stands up and goes to sit on the chair again. He pauses for a few minutes and when he speaks I hear the conviction in his voice. This is the Luke that doesn’t let people in. I brace myself.

  “I didn’t sleep last night. I stayed awake and watched you sleep. You looked so beautiful and so peaceful. You looked so much better than when I got here yesterday. I felt great because I figured I had something to do with it.”

  “You did. I was peaceful. I told you I felt great. You made me feel great.”

  He lets me finish but then picks up where he left off.

  “I lay there looking at you, and for the first hour you didn’t move. You were in my arms and I didn’t want to let you go. But, my arm fell asleep and I had to move you off of it. After that you started to move around and toss and turn a little. You started mumbling in your sleep and I thought maybe you were starting to have a nightmare.”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t have a nightmare. I slept great.” Maybe if I keep using the word great he will start to believe it.

  He keeps telling his story. “Anyway, I thought you were having a nightmare so I wrapped you in my arms and held you to me. I could feel your heart beating against my chest. Everything about that moment felt so fucking right and I felt like there was no way what we did could be wrong if I could feel like I was.”

  I start to tell him I understand because I shared similar feelings, but he holds up his hand and stops me. The next words that come out of his mouth break both of our hearts.

  “I held your warm body against mine. The body that had just made love with me and made me feel something I’d never felt before. I felt your actual heartbeat in rhythm with mine and I felt like I was home, Lexie. I felt like everything that had happened had led me to that moment with you and that it was all worth it because you were with me. After a few minutes you started to move again and you started to tremble a little. I didn’t want to wake you up so I put my mouth right next to your ear and told you that you were safe and that you were okay. I told you that I was here for you and that I loved you.”

  He pauses for a second. I have to ask, even though I know the answer. My voice is little more than a whisper.

  “What happened?”

  His voice is also little more than a whisper.

  “You broke my heart. That’s what happened next.”

  “What happened? What did I do?” The tears I’ve been holding back start to flow now as I force him to tell me what I already know.

  “You snuggled in closer to me, lay your head on my chest and said, I love you too, Julian. Forever.”

  Oh my God. I really have no idea what to even say to that. I figured I must’ve said something in my sleep. I can’t defend something I didn’t even consciously say. I was fully present with Luke when I went to bed, but if I’m being honest, I’m not surprised my dreams are about Julian. I’ve been dealing with vivid, relevant dreams for over a year now and if I know anything it’s that my dreams are a reflection of what’s going on with me in my mind and heart. Nothing about Luke’s tone implies he was intentionally trying to hurt me, but I’m devastated by how I’ve made him feel. I can’t sit here and be silent so I force something out.

  “I don’t even know what to say to you, Luke. I’m so sorry I hurt you like this. I mean everything I’ve said to you. I wasn’t thinking about Julian last night when I was in your arms.” My tears are flowing steadily; the moment is so raw.

  His voice cracks when he responds. “That’s the worst part, Lex. I know you don’t want to hurt me and I believe you when you tell me how you feel about me. I want to be mad at you so this would be easier, but I’m not mad.”

  I take a small measure of comfort from what he’s saying. I need him to believe me. We’ve been important to each other for so long.

  “Can we talk about this? I don’t want to lose you again.”

  “Lexie, I really have been up all night, and I made the decision I wouldn’t lie to you anymore and I wouldn’t leave here without saying everything I need to say, everything I should’ve said years ago. So, if you want to talk, we can talk, but I’m not sure either one of us is going to feel better after.”

  “I want that.”

  Reality kicks in for a minute when he looks at the clock. “Don’t you need to get ready to go to work?”

  “I have an appointment after lunch today. If I go in later it’s not a big deal.”

  I pick up my phone and send a quick text to Lauren letting her know I won’t be in until later. She texts me right back telling me she’ll cover for me. Thank God. I’m in no position to go to work right now.

  I scoot back and lean against my headboard. I pull the blankets up around my waist.

  “Can you come and sit by me?”

  Luke hesitates for a minute before he slowly gets up moves toward me. He sits on the edge of the bed. That’s not what I had in mind, but it’s better than him sitting across the room.

  He takes a deep breath. “I’m in a really hard spot here. I know you. I can read your emotions pretty well. It’s been a blessing as far as being a friend goes because it’s allowed me to be a good friend to you. But, now, it’s killing me because I really can see how conflicted you are about all of this, and I do know you really care about me.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’m an open book. I know. But, I’m glad you know how much I care about you, and it really is as more than just a friend. We crossed a line last night and I thought I’d wake up regretting it, but I don’t. At least I didn’t until I realized you did.”

  “Is that what you think, that I regret it?” He shakes his head and frowns. “I don’t regret a single second of being with you.”

  “You want to say goodbye to me forever. That sounds like regret to me.”

  Luke looks down at his feet for a minute and gathers his thoughts. When he looks up at me, his gaze is intense.

  “Lexie, I’ve loved you for years, and I’m a fucking id
iot for not having told you I wanted you to be the girl I spent forever with before now. I really convinced myself we would end up together one day. When we joked about being married by thirty-five, I was never really joking. I could see you in my forever.”

  A flicker of frustration passes through me and brings me back to the thoughts I had last night. All of my what ifs would’ve been different. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? Why did you wait until now? I wanted more from you for the first couple of years but I thought you didn’t, so I never said anything. I wanted you in my life so I kept my thoughts to myself. I figured something was better than nothing.”

  “I guess I thought I wouldn’t be able to be the man you needed, or deserved. I knew if we got together I’d screw it up because I wouldn’t be able to be faithful. I’ve never been able to stick to anything for a long time. You know that about me. I get bored and I get restless. I always think there’s something better out there. I didn’t want you to get caught up in my fucked up patterns. You’ve been the one constant in my life for the last seven years and you helped ground me. I didn’t want to lose you, and I never trusted myself to do the right thing by you. I used to be like you and think having you as a friend was better than not having you in my life at all.”

  Everything he’s saying about how he lives his life is true. I have watched him go from girl to girl and job to job. I know his upbringing has something to do with his inability to commit. Luke has shared many stories about his parents’ messed up relationship with me. They’ve been married for over thirty years but apparently both of them have had multiple affairs. Luke says their “happy and united” relationship is just an act and that they have a sham of a marriage. He’s told me more than once over the years he believes marriage and commitment is overrated.

  I hesitate to ask my next question, but I have to. “And now? Something isn’t better than nothing anymore?”

  “After you called me Julian … after I caught my breath, I thought about that. I knew I didn’t have to say anything, and if you woke up and wanted to be with me, I could keep your words a secret. And believe me, I was tempted. But I can’t. It’s not enough for me, especially now. I want it all, your whole heart, and I can’t pretend I’m okay with knowing there’s another man who’s your first choice. I’d always question how you’re feeling. And you know me too; I’m not a second place kind of guy.”

  I do know that about Luke. He usually gets what he wants and he’s a competitor in all aspects of his life. I appreciate his honesty and I know he’s put a lot of thought into this. I want to find a way to change his mind though.

  “This thing between us, this different aspect of our relationship, is brand new. We should give it a chance to grow and see where it can go. There’s a lot of good stuff here.”

  If anyone would’ve told me yesterday I’d essentially be begging Luke to try to have a relationship with me, I would’ve thought they were crazy. But right now, not being together sounds a little crazy. Yes, I’m still dealing with the end of my relationship with Julian and yes, I probably will always care about him, but Luke and I really do have strong feelings for each other and I think we’d have a good chance at being happy together.

  “I thought about that too, Lex. But you’re wrong. The physical aspect of our relationship changed last night, but we’ve been in a relationship, a close relationship, for years. My feelings for you aren’t new, and if they grew anymore they’d fucking demolish me. Making love to you made my feelings sharper and more focused, but I didn’t need to be inside of you to know I wanted to be next to you forever. I already knew that.”

  There’s no way to describe how much his words touch and break my heart. Luke is always the tough guy and over the years I’ve only seen him show vulnerability when it was in regards to Brady. I can’t imagine it’s easy for him to put himself out there like this.

  “Well, things changed for me last night. I never would’ve thought I’d wake up and want this to happen. I know that sounds awful, but I didn’t know what would happen if we slept together. Making love with you, to use your words, sharpened everything for me. Please give this a chance.”

  “It means a lot to hear you say these things to me, and I believe you think you mean them, but you wouldn’t be saying them unless you were scared. I know. I’ve done some pretty desperate things when I thought I was losing you.”

  I’m begging and he’s resolute. It’s making me feel horrible. I deserve this. I did this. Luke chose me and I chose Julian. I chose wrong and now I’m paying for it. I start to feel angry as my defense mechanisms kick in. Even in my warped, emotional state I see the parallels with Julian and I and Luke and I. Julian begged me to stay and make a different choice just like I’m doing to Luke. I’m saying words to Luke that Julian said to me. It’s all so twisted. I’m so messed up.

  “You must be enjoying this. I’m begging you to be with me and you get to make me feel like I made you feel a few months ago.”

  Luke stays calm even though I’m trying to antagonize him. I’m trying to make him react.

  “Don’t do that. This isn’t me seeking revenge and you know that. I’m sitting here doing the hardest thing I’ve had to do since we buried Brady. This isn’t what I want.”

  I get out from under my blanket and move to the end of the bed, next to Luke. I grab his hand and he doesn’t pull away. “Then don’t choose this. You’re choosing this. You said you want me and that you love me and I’m right here, telling you I want to try. So don’t say you don’t have any choices here. You do have a choice. Choose this, Luke. Choose to try.”

  I lean into Luke and place my lips on his. I wrap my hand around his neck pull him to me. He hesitates for a split second, but after a moment he responds to my kiss by slipping his tongue into my mouth and kissing me back with pure passion. I get lost in the kiss and in the hopes that my touch can do something my words haven’t been able to. It’s a pretty desperate and selfish move but Luke is a guy and I’m counting on being able to reach him on a physical level. I’m running out of options. Judging by the intensity in which Luke is now kissing me and holding me, my plan seems to be working. He shifts his weight forward until I’m lying beneath him on the bed. I scoot backwards so we can really lie down and he follows my lead. I match his intensity and pour everything I’m feeling into this kiss and this moment. I don’t have any thoughts of Julian, only Luke.

  The change is subtle but I catch it quickly. The passion that initially fueled these kisses slowly starts to turn to desperation. The kiss changes from the beginning of a passionate encounter to a goodbye. I literally cling to Luke as I feel him pulling away, both with his body and his heart. He props himself up on one elbow and looks down at me. A lone tear escapes my left eye and rolls slowly down my cheek.

  “I need you to do something for me, Lex. No matter how hard it is or how much you want to lie, I want you to answer a question for me honestly. Can you do that for me?”

  I look up at him, my best friend for seven years, and reluctantly nod my head. I know he’s about to force me to admit something out loud that I haven’t yet said. I don’t want to say anything that will hurt him or irrevocably change our relationship, but I won’t be a liar. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not that.

  “If Julian were to walk in here right now, and tell you there was no baby and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that you guys could be together again. If he came and put that ring back on your finger, and asked you to be his forever, what would you do? Who would you choose then?”

  Oh my God. I’m right. He wants me to choose. My voice breaks as I answer. “That’s not a real question. It’s not going to happen. Let’s deal with real life, not some fairy tale.”

  Luke takes a deep breath and sits up. Then he gets off the bed. I sit up quickly as well. “Thank you for being honest with me. It’ll help me remember why I’m walking away.”

  I stand up next to him. “I didn’t answer the question. I can’t.”

  He looks
at me with tenderness in his eyes.

  “You did answer it. You may not have meant to, but you did.”

  I look at him with real confusion in my eyes. I don’t get what he thinks he heard.

  “You just told me that Julian coming back into your life, with all of the baby stuff gone, and a proposal was a fairy tale. It’s your fairy tale, Lex. It’s your dream of a happily ever after. It’s what you admitted in your sleep last night and what you unwittingly admitted to me just now. I can’t compete with that. You’re right. This is real life and in this real life our stories end differently. It fucking sucks, but it’s true and you know it. I’m not your prince. I want to be, but I’m not. And I’m sorry, because you may not get your happily ever after, and as twisted as it sounds, I want that for you. I love you that much and I hate to see your heart breaking again. You don’t deserve all of this pain. You don’t. But, I can’t fix it for you. I’ve tried and it didn’t work. I can’t spend forever not being enough. I don’t deserve that either.”

  The pain that pierces my heart when he says all of these words, all of these truths, is unbearable and I have to sit on the bed to keep myself from crumbling to the ground. The magnitude of this loss instantly grips my heart, and I don’t know if I can survive it. Even though Luke was out of my life for a few months, it never seemed permanent or real. Deep down I always thought someday we’d be able to be close again. I see now I was horribly wrong. There’s nothing I can say to fix this or make this better. He knows me better than I know myself and isn’t allowing me to avoid the truth. I want Julian. I’m in love with Julian and even though I love Luke and truly think we could make each other happy, he isn’t Julian. He does deserve better.

  I look at him through my tears and say the only thing I can think of. “I’m so incredibly sorry, for both of us. I hate that you’re right, because it means I lose you, but you’re right. You don’t deserve to be anybody’s second choice.”

  The sobs start to rack my body as the thought of Luke walking out of my life forever is about to become a reality. I look at him and see he’s crying as well. He reaches out to me in what I assume is an effort to comfort me. He has held me and let me cry in his arms many times. He was my rock when Brady died and in the weeks and months after. He wants to be that person now, but I don’t let him. I can’t. I step away and wrap my arms around myself.