Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  As I get ready for work I think about seeing Ellen tonight. I can’t decide if I want to tell her about my plans to move. I don’t want her, or anyone else, to talk me out of it. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I get there. I keep with my somber theme and pick out another black outfit. I bought a pantsuit months ago because it was on sale on Bluefly.com. It still has the tags on because I never thought it looked anywhere near as good on my body as it did online. When I try it on now, I’m pleased with how it looks. The jumpsuit is all black and sleeveless with a crew neckline. It’s form fitting around the waist and has a relaxed leg. The stretchy, jersey fabric is comfy. It looks good on me. I don’t admit it’s due to the weight I’ve lost. As I dig through my closet for a pair of black, Kamalikulture, patent leather heels with a pointed toe and sculpted heel cup that I want to wear, I think about how I won’t live anywhere that doesn’t have a big walk-in closet.

  As I’m digging around, Marissa comes in and asks to borrow a pair of shoes. I find what I’m looking for, get out of her way and tell her to take whatever she wants. I actually like when my roommates borrow my shoes. It makes me feel justified for having so many pairs, and because I like to wear different ones all of the time, most of my shoes look new.

  We chat while I get ready, and I tell her I’m going to go visit Jill over the weekend. She looks hurt when I mention I want to get away and I feel bad I didn’t invite her. Normally I would have, but because I’m going with the intention of looking to move, it isn’t a good idea for her to come. Instead of being completely honest, I play up the part about Jill needing to spend time with me. It seems like she buys it and leaves with a smile and my red, patent leather, Stuart Weitzman platform pumps.

  On my drive to work I spend more time thinking about moving. I researched some areas that would be close to work and I even looked up different neighborhood info last night. I’d want to live where younger people live and be in a place where it was safe to run, and safe to live alone. I have it all figured out. I just need the job.

  My clients are early and are waiting for me when I get in. Evelyn has made them coffee and they’re chatting about Jamaica. I apologize for keeping them waiting but they insist they’ve only been there for a few minutes. I ask them to give me a few moments to get myself situated and then call them in. The contract process goes smoothly and in an hour we’ve dotted every “I” and crossed every “T”. They’re super excited and I’m happy for them. It makes me think about buying my own place someday and of course that makes me think about my impending move. Maybe I can actually buy a place instead of rent. I know my parents gave each of my sister’s money toward a down payment as a wedding gift. Maybe they’ll do the same for me even though marriage isn’t on the cards for me.

  I say goodbye to my clients and shut the door. I sit down at my desk and try to calm down. I just took a warp speed mind tour through what would’ve been my life if Julian and I had gotten married. During the five minutes we were happily engaged, we had discussed living at the Bellavista until we had kids. He agreed we could move to a house after that. We talked about decorating and what my closet would look like. We made so many plans that weekend at the beach when he asked me to marry him. It seems like yesterday and yet it seems like a dream. I put my head on my desk, close my eyes, and do some deep breathing. I stay this way until I hear a knock.

  “Come in.”

  It’s Andrea. “Hello, Lexie. I heard some big sales happened this week.”

  I over compensate and smile brighter than I should. “Just finished writing on Unit 652.” I slide the contract over as she sits down in front of me.

  “Good job. I saw you closed on 964 too. That’s a huge deal, you know that, right?”

  I smile. “Yes, I know.” I tell her about the client I’m meeting with on Friday. When I mention the referral came from Danny she’s a bit surprised.

  “Bywater isn’t usually in favor of sharing clients.”

  I shrug. “I guess Danny did it for me.”

  Andrea knows about what happened with Julian and I. Actually, it seems like everyone in Miami knows. The engagement, break-up, and discovery of an illegitimate child of one of the city’s most eligible men are major news.

  “I don’t want to get too personal, but are you doing okay? This must’ve all been really hard on you.”

  I like Andrea and I don’t think she’s the type of person to share secrets, but I also don’t want to talk about Julian.

  “It’s been rough but I’m hanging in there. I’m happy to be so busy with work. It keeps my mind occupied.”

  “Well, we’re happy to have you here. You’re doing a great job. Not that I’m surprised.” She offers a sincere smile. “Let me know if I can do anything to help.”

  It only takes me a second to realize she just gave me a great opening into a discussion about me transferring to another property.

  “I do have a question for you. Are you involved with the new project starting up in Tampa?”

  She pauses and squints at me a little. “It’s not one of my properties, no. Why do you ask?”

  I shrug my shoulders and take a deep breath. I guess my gesture tips her off to what I’m about to say.

  “No way, Lexie? You’re not moving to Tampa … are you?”

  “I’m thinking about it. I’d need a job though.” I try and make a joke about it.

  Andrea shakes her head and looks stunned. “I guess I don’t need to ask if this has anything to do with Julian.”

  “I think I could use a change. I’ve had a rough year and think a fresh start might be good for me. I haven’t made any real plans, but I’m seriously thinking about it. I love working for W&M and I’d like to continue to. I wasn’t planning on talking to you about this yet, but the time seemed right. I’m actually going to see my sister in Tampa this weekend and thought it would be a great opportunity to look around and check things out.”

  “It all makes perfect sense, and I hate that it does. After my divorce I felt the same way and I did move and make a fresh start. But, you do know a change of scenery is just a geographical Band-Aid, right? You’ll be taking your memories and pain wherever you go.”

  “I do know that, believe me. I’m not so much running away as trying to avoid having my past thrown in my face every time I turn around. Today was a good example of that. I don’t want to keep running into Julian and it’s hard when he’s such a big deal down here.”

  “If you’re serious, I can help make it happen, Lexie. I’d hate to lose you but I really do understand. Why don’t you go check out the area and the property?” Andrea grabs a piece of paper off my desk and writes a name and number on it. “Dominick De Luca is the Regional Manager for the west coast. He’s a good guy and would be lucky and thrilled to have you. I’ll call him and let him know you’re going to stop by this weekend.”

  “Thank you so much. I thought you’d be mad.”

  “I’m not happy, but I’d hate to lose you. From what I understand, the building is done but not selling yet.”

  “Yeah, the website says they open next month. The timing might be perfect.”

  “You know you’ll be leaving the jewel in the crown, right? And that you won’t make the same money there?”

  I chuckle a little. “Are you trying to talk me out of moving?”

  Andrea smiles and chuckles a little herself. “Is it working?”

  “I’m just leaving my options open. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything to anybody here. You’re the only person I’ve mentioned it to.”

  Andrea gets up to leave and opens the door.

  “Call me when you get back from Tampa and let me know how much you hated it and that you’re staying, okay.”

  Before I have a chance to answer I see Serena walking by. I start to panic. Did she just hear that? Crap. The last thing I need is for her to know anything about my plans.

  She glances at me and I can’t read her expression. She starts talking to Andrea about work and they walk away.
I take a deep breath. If she heard something she would’ve said something.

  She never misses an opportunity to get into my business.

  As I walk out the door at five forty-five, I think about what a great day it was. I only thought about Julian or Luke a few times and my talk with Andrea couldn’t have gone better. If I could string a bunch of days like this in a row, my world would certainly be happier.

  When I get to Ellen’s, I’m in a decent mood. It doesn’t last. Ever since I came clean about the rape, she has been watching me like a hawk and doesn’t let anything go unnoticed. I’ve been telling her about work and how well it’s going. I side step any questions about Julian. And she doesn’t know about Luke so it’s easy to avoid that topic. At least it is for about fifteen minutes.

  “So, now that we’ve talked about how great work is and about how great your friends are, why don’t you tell me how you’re doing.”

  “Aren’t you listening, I’m good.”

  “I have to listen more closely to what you don’t say than what you do say. And honey, you aren’t saying a lot.”

  “You know your whole approach with me is different, Ellen, and kind of annoying. You used to let me talk about what I needed to and you really never pushed. You push now. And you don’t need to because things are better.”

  I know I sound a little rude but I really don’t want to have a poor, pathetic Lexie session. I wasn’t kidding about not wanting to be a victim anymore.

  “Lexie, you and I have talked about this in length. I feel like I failed you in so many ways and as long as you’re coming to see me, it’s not going to happen again. You’ve shut down over the last two sessions. I let it slide last week but I’m not buying the whole ‘my life is great’ act. You can be annoyed all you want but I can’t help if you don’t let me.”

  “Ellen, you’ve helped more than anyone. I’m sorry you don’t know that. My life isn’t great. It sucks, more than you know, but I’m so over myself. I don’t want to be a victim and a whiner. I just want to feel strong again and move forward.”

  “What happened this week?”

  “Nothing, why?”

  “Because you just told me your life sucks more than I know, and I can sense something is off. You seem really anxious, more than normal.”

  Good God. I’m a freaking open book. “Fine. I saw Julian this week, unexpectedly. It sucked and it hurt like hell. I also saw Luke. That didn’t go well either so I’m a little raw.”

  She skips right over Julian and goes to Luke. “How did you come to see Luke and what happened?”

  I sit there for a moment and think about whether or not I want to tell her about my night with Luke. I feel like I should, so I start talking. I tell her the whole story and by the time I’m done I’m in tears, again. It hurts so badly to recount the final hour with him.

  Ellen listens to my whole story and doesn’t say a word until I’m finished. I’m unprepared to hear what comes out of her mouth.

  “Well, I guess we need to thank Luke for doing the right thing. What were you thinking, Lexie?”

  Okay, this is so not a normal Ellen session. She’s all over me tonight. It’s like she has switched from therapist to mother/friend.

  “Tell me how you really feel. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

  “I’m sorry, Lexie, but that was a really bad idea, for both of you. You’re not even the tiniest bit over Julian. There isn’t any way you and Luke would be able to make things work, at least not now. I’m glad he recognized that, even if it was after too much had already happened.”

  “Well thank God he didn’t let me get my clutches into him.” I’m hurt by her words.

  “You know I’m right. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship with Luke. Or anyone.”

  “Well I guess it’s a good thing that one ex-lover is dead, one is playing daddy to his illegitimate kid, and the other wants nothing to do with me. I can’t hurt Brady anymore, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the others’ lives or anything.”

  She shakes her head at me. I know she thinks I’m predictable, and maybe I am. I hurt and I get defensive.

  “I didn’t say anything that should make you respond like that. I can see things a little more clearly than you can right now and I do know you pretty well. I’d like to see you happy and I don’t think starting something with Luke weeks after you and Julian broke up is going to make you happy. Luke isn’t Julian and you can’t use him to take away the pain of that loss. It’s not fair to either of you.”

  I wipe my eyes and try to get a grip. “Fair? Are we talking about what’s fair? Because nothing has been fair as far as I’m concerned. I certainly got the short end of the stick with Brady and I’m not thinking I’m a winner in the Julian situation either. And Luke? Luke knew what he was doing. I didn’t force him into anything, so don’t feel sorry for him.” Anger surges through me as I run through the list.

  Ellen looks at me with compassion in her eyes.

  “It isn’t fair. It’s been a really rough year for you and I get that. But if your new goal is not to feel sorry for yourself, you need to take some responsibility for what has happened. We’ve talked about Brady and I don’t think we need to go over that situation right now, but as far as Julian and Luke go, you had choices.”

  When I first told Ellen a few weeks ago I didn’t think I could be with Julian, she implored me to really think it through. When I told her we broke up she wasn’t very understanding. It bugged me then and it bugs me now. I’ve gotten that reaction from everyone. They all want me to just deal with the fact he fathered someone else’s child and live happily after as the step-mom. I’ve tried to justify my decision over and over and each time I get the same response. I’m over it and I tell her.

  “I know you think me breaking up with Julian was stupid. Maybe it was. But I didn’t feel like I had a fucking choice, Ellen.” Here come the tears again. “Every time something about the baby came up it would make me want to vomit. It’s an unborn baby and I resented it. I resented her and I resented him. I tried for two weeks and felt like I was going to explode. Everything changed and I don’t have what it takes to survive that role. I felt like the other woman and I couldn’t be that to him.”

  She starts to talk and I cut her off. “And as far as Luke goes. Yes, I chose to cross a major line with him. I took a gamble and it totally backfired. I lost my best friend for the second time this summer. But I wasn’t the one who chose to torpedo it the first time. Luke did that. If he would’ve just kept his mouth shut we could still be friends and I wouldn’t have lost him too. It’s not fair, Ellen. I’ve lost so much.”

  I assume she doesn’t want to argue with me or upset me further so she backs down. “You’ll get through this, Lexie. You’re strong and you have a great support system. You aren’t alone, no matter how it feels right now.”

  I glance at the clock and see our time is up. I get up and she does the same. She gives me a hug and walks me to the door. “Hang in there.” I thank her and say goodbye. As I walk down the stairs and out to the parking lot, I decide that not seeing Ellen anymore is going to be part of my fresh start. I’m done with this too.

  Nobody is at my house when I get home. Marissa’s aunt has been in the hospital for the last few weeks and she’s been spending a lot of time there. Shannon is never here anymore. I think about what Ellen said. She’s wrong. I am alone.

  I get into work early the next morning and am thrilled to get into my office before I see Serena. She sucks the good energy out of the room and I need all the positive vibes I can get. I turn on my computer and respond to some emails. I need to set some appointments today so I open up my calendar. I look at the date and realize it was five weeks ago this Saturday that Julian proposed. Five weeks ago I was the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. It feels like a lifetime ago, but at the same time the pain I feel reminds me it was so very recent. I literally shake my head to try to dispel the memories and focus on work. My direct line rings and I when I answer, Warren, t
he client Danny referred, is on the other end. He asks if he can come in today because he has to go out of town on Friday. I’m pretty open today so we make plans to meet right after lunch. We spend about a half an hour talking about what he’s looking for. I want to make a list of units to see and this information helps.

  I’m stoked he called and switched the appointment. Now I can leave earlier on Friday. Actually, I decide to take the whole day off. I send an email to Diego letting him know and head up to the front to check the coverage for tomorrow. Everyone except me is scheduled to work all weekend. I know Diego is doing this because I’ve been working non-stop.

  When Warren shows up he isn’t at all what I’m expecting. For some reason I had pictured a good-looking, well-dressed man in his forties with an attitude and a lot of money. I pictured a Player. What I got was a balding, chubby man in his fifties who’s reserved, polite, and in dire need of a makeover. I don’t want to like him. He is, after all, a man who’s cheating on his wife and buying his baby mama a new condo. It hits way too close to home for me. But, I can’t help but like him. He’s funny and actually has a great sense of real estate and design knowledge. We talk about his software company, his wife, and his kids from said wife and about how he’s lived in Miami his whole life. We talk a little about Danny. I almost forget I’m helping him buy a place for his lover. We never really talk about his lover, he refers to her as “she” as in “she will like the size of the closet”, or “she” would rather have an east facing balcony. I just roll with it, and try to make the sale. He seems fond of a two bedroom that faces the ocean so we spend a good amount of time discussing all of the features. After we finish going room by room he asks to see the rest of the property.

  I show him the entire property which takes an hour. A lot of time clients like to wander around and familiarize themselves with the amenities. Warren wants me by his side for the whole tour. It pays off, because at the end he tells me he wants to put down a deposit on the two bedroom unit I showed him. I try not to act unprofessional, but I want to jump up and down. This is my third sale this week and it never happens this quickly. I usually show a unit four times before I make a sale. He’s committing after a few hours. Warren is paying cash and wants to close ASAP, just like Danny said. I make some calls while Warren is in my office and find out we can close as early as next Friday. My company likes to speed things up for cash buyers. We make an appointment for him to come in and sign the contracts. I give him my cell number and tell him to get in touch if he needs anything. I walk him through the lobby. When we get to the door he turns and takes my hand in his.