Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  Jett’s is safe. It’s been hard being so close to Julian every day. I worry about running into him on the street every time I go out. I stay really close to work and hope he has enough respect for me to stay on his end of Ocean Drive during work hours.

  “Okay, Jett’s at noon. See you then.”

  I hang up with Danny and try to catch my breath. I have no idea why he feels we need to meet but if he really has a hot lead, I don’t want to pass it up. I keep myself busy until my clients come. They live half of the year in Brazil and have been renting for a while. They’ve been here several times over the past month and I’m hopeful this will be the day they make a decision. I spend the next hour and a half with them going through a unit they’ve looked at three times and when we get back to the office they let me know they want to write a contract for it. It’s a smaller one bedroom unit but they’re thinking of adding a ton of upgrades, so it’ll price out well. I couldn’t be happier. This is going to be such an amazing month. It actually might be the month I finally really splurge and buy a pair of Louboutin’s I’ve been eyeing forever.

  We make an appointment for tomorrow to do the paperwork and I walk them out into the lobby. Danny is sitting on one of the chairs, talking to Lauren. They aren’t seeing each other anymore, but thankfully ended things on good terms. Danny smiles at me when he sees me walk in the room. As soon as my clients walk out the door he’s on his feet and closing in to give me a hug. I take a step backward and lean in for a kiss on the cheek instead. I want this to stay professional. I see the hurt in his eyes when I pull back. In the short time Julian and I were together, Danny and I grew close and I see it’s hard for him to be so formal.

  “I was a little early so I thought I’d come up and get you.”

  “Are you spying on us, Danny?” I hear Serena’s shrill voice behind me. She walks over and actually hugs him. His return hug is cold and brief.

  “No spying today, Serena. Just lunch with Lexie.”

  The look on her face is priceless. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head as she walks away huffing. I can hear her mumble something under her breath about what the Bauer brothers see in me, blah, blah, blah.

  “Fun times working with her, huh?”

  “You have no idea, Danny. It’s been non-stop fun since the beginning.”

  I tell him to hang on as I grab my purse and phone from my office. I let them all know I’ll be back in an hour and we head out to Jett’s.

  The conversation in the elevator and on the way out is easy and impersonal. Danny must sense how uncomfortable I am and tries to make me feel at ease. We talk about the building, the weather, and my friends. I ask about Gabby and he tells me they’re back together and things are good. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it though.

  The menu at Jett’s is a hodge podge of cuisines. I order a grilled chicken salad and Danny gets the fish tacos. We continue our chatting until the food arrives. Over lunch, Danny tells me about his client. The story actually is complicated. The client is married and he and his wife have a place in St. Thomas and a unit in the Bellavista. Apparently this man wants to buy a unit for his lover who’s having his baby. His wife doesn’t know anything about it and he wants something that’s close, but for obvious reasons, not in the same building. Danny tells me the part about the lover and baby delicately, and I know now why he wanted to tell me in person. He knew the story would hit a nerve and be upsetting to me. It is, but I pretend it isn’t as I curse the man in my head. It sounds like this is going to be a cash deal with a quick closing. I’d be a fool to let my personal feelings get in the way of a healthy commission. I assure Danny I can find the perfect place as well as be discreet about what he’s shared with me. He calls his client right then and we agree on a time to meet this Friday.

  “Thank you again for thinking about me, Danny. It would’ve been a dogfight in the office for sure if he’d have just walked in.”

  “I think about you all the time. We all miss you.”

  I look down so he can’t see how his words touch me. I also don’t want him to see the tears that just filled up my eyes. When I look back up I hope my true feelings aren’t evident.

  “That’s sweet, Danny. I’m happy to hear things are going well with Gabby.” I really want to burn rubber out of the emotional parking lot we’re in, but Danny seems to have put things in neutral and is idling.

  “They are going well. How are you doing? I mean really doing?”

  “We agreed to keep this about business, remember? I don’t want to be rude to you Danny, but no good is going to come out of us talking about anything else.”

  “We were friends. We were going to be family and I genuinely care about you. It’s hard to pretend I don’t.” He says the words with so much sincerity I can’t help but soften a little.

  “I’m doing okay, Danny. Work has been great this month and I’ve been super busy. If Serena would go away, it would be my dream job. The rest of my life hasn’t quite turned out the way I planned, and I have some good days and some bad days, but I’m doing pretty well.”

  “You look sad, Lexie.”

  Ugh. These Bauer’s never know when to stop pushing.

  “I am sad, Danny. Did you think you’d see me and I’d be all smiles and giggles? My whole world got turned upside down a few weeks ago. It’s going to take me a little more time to get over it.”

  “He’s sad too. It’s so hard to see you both like this. Can’t you find a way to work this out? You two are meant to be together.”

  I really can’t hear this today. I’m still reeling from the Luke episode yesterday and the last thing I need to hear is how upset Julian is, especially because the image of him and Caroline picking out baby clothes is still roaming through my mind. Damn it. It was supposed to be just business.

  “Look Danny. I’m really not going to discuss this with you. I’ve already said more than I planned to. It was supposed to be just business and just lunch, remember? I appreciate the lead and I’m happy to discuss that transaction with you anytime. I’m even okay sharing the commission. I’m not okay talking about Julian though, so please don’t.”

  I’ve been sitting with my back to the door and instead of responding to my comments, Danny stands up and heads toward the front. I saw the look in his eyes, he looked panicked and that could only mean one thing: Julian or Caroline. I will myself to keep looking forward and try to remember if I saw a back door near the bathroom. Maybe I can sneak out before I’m noticed. As I plot my escape route and get up to leave, I hear Julian’s voice behind me and feel his hand on my shoulder. I smell his distinct scent and can’t help myself from breathing it in. It makes me weak in the knees and I have to brace myself on the chair as I turn around. Fuck.

  “Lexie?” He says my name like a question.

  I take a step back and bump into the table. I feel the water from my glass splash across my leg. It’s cold and the shock of it helps me focus. I haven’t seen Julian in over two weeks and I’m not pleased to report it isn’t any less painful to have him standing in front of me now than it was when I walked away the last time. My heart drops to my feet. Of all days to see him it has to be today, when I’m hanging on by a thread. Damn it! To make matters worse, he looks amazing in a pair of charcoal gray slacks and a button down shirt that’s the same color as his eyes.

  “Hello, Julian.”

  I’m not sure if it’s instinctual or deliberate, but as I step back, Julian steps forward and closes the gap between us. He’s staring at me like we’re the only two people in the room. If this were a movie, I could imagine a spotlight on us. The air is crackling with tension, both physical and emotional. I step to the side and shake my head slightly. Julian notices and stops moving toward me. As it is, we’re only a few feet apart.

  I watch Julian as his eyes move slowly up and down my body. It’s a gesture I’m very familiar with. It used to make me feel revered and desired when he caressed me with his eyes. Right now it’s making me uncomfortable and I cross my arm
s over my chest in defiance. When his eyes reach mine there’s a scowl on his face. I’m not sure if it’s because my reaction is standoffish and indicates I want him to stop or because he doesn’t like what he sees. I get my answer when Julian looks down at my half eaten salad and then back at me.

  He sounds just like Luke except he’s speaking in Spanish. “Necesitas comer Alexa. Dios Mio, estas muy flaca.”

  “I do eat. I was eating when you interrupted our lunch.” The voice that comes out of me is icy and very bitchy. I’m really not interested in hearing another lecture on how much I weigh. Some people eat when they’re depressed, some don’t. I don’t. It’s not intentional and I’m sure my appetite will come back someday soon and I’ll be worrying about everything I put in my mouth. I look at Danny. Actually I glare at Danny. I wonder if this was a set-up. He’s shaking his head no in answer to my unspoken question. He’s standing behind Julian and mouths the words, “I’m sorry.”

  Julian looks shocked by my tone and responds in kind.

  “Sorry to interrupt then. I was walking by and saw you two. I didn’t think it would be a big deal to say hi. Guess I was wrong.”

  “You’re free to do whatever you want, everything that is except comment on my life. It’s not your concern anymore. I’m not your concern anymore.” I try to sound curt, but I fail and sound wounded instead. Damn it.

  Julian shakes his head at me and starts to say something. He pauses for a minute and then speaks in a very businesslike, professional manner.

  “I’ll always care about you. You know that. I won’t ever pretend like I don’t, so don’t ask me to. I didn’t mean to upset you, and I’m sorry I have. It was great to see you, Alexa. Take care of yourself.”

  And with that Julian spins on his heel and turns to walk out the door. Danny follows him outside and I see them having a heated discussion before Julian walks away. I give cash and the check to the waitress who was watching this scene unfold. When Danny comes back he looks remorseful.

  “I swear to God that wasn’t planned. I’m so sorry. I’d never do that to you.”

  He really looks sorry. “I believe you. But that’s why I don’t want to talk about anything personal. I can’t handle it yet, Danny.”

  He takes a drink of his water. “Julian is so mad at me right now.”

  “Why would he be mad at you? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Maybe mad is the wrong word. He’s envious I can sit and have lunch with you and be part of your life.” He smiles sheepishly. “At least a little bit anyway. He thinks he’s mad though. You didn’t go very easy on him. It’s awful to see you two speak to each other like that.”

  “I’m not interested in hearing anything about my weight or my eating habits. He’s not my mother or my doctor. It pissed me off.”

  Danny shrugs his shoulders and cocks his head to the side. “He’s right though. You are too skinny. It’s obvious you’ve lost a lot of weight and he probably feels responsible. He cares. You get that, right?”

  “Yes, I get it. But it doesn’t make me feel any better to know he’s upset. I can barely handle all of my own feelings.”

  “Okay, okay. I’m done harassing you. Let me get the check and we can go.”

  “I already took care of it.”

  He shakes his head at me, showing his disapproval. Julian never let me pay for anything and I’m sure Danny is the same way. “Fine but the next lunch is on me.”

  I want to tell him there isn’t going to be a next lunch but I refrain from saying anything. I just smile and nod. Danny walks me back to The Promenade. I promise to keep him informed about what’s going on with his client. The hug he gives me before he walks away is warm and sincere. It makes me feel better for as long as it lasts. As he pulls away, the dark starts to creep back in.

  The rest of the afternoon passes quickly. I spend my time preparing the contract for tomorrow and planning what I’m going to show Danny’s client, or my new client, on Friday. Serena stays away from me and I’m glad. Lauren stops by my office to see how my lunch was and I tell her about Julian.

  “Ouch. I’m sorry. Are you sure Danny didn’t plan it?”

  “I don’t think so. He seemed upset by the whole thing. It was really awkward.”

  She stares at me for a minute and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “Let’s go have some drinks at Callahan’s. It’s close to home.”

  I’m uncomfortable at the mention of Callahan’s. I didn’t tell her about Luke so it’s hard to explain why I don’t want to go there. I guess I have to add that place to the list of places I don’t want to go because of painful memories. I feel like every time I turn around I run the chance of being somewhere or seeing something that makes me sad. I may need to move out of the area if this keeps happening.

  “Can I have a rain check? I slept like shit last night and this day kind of kicked my ass. I really just need to go home and go to bed.” I don’t mention there’s a time limit on my ability to fake being okay and that I’ve almost reached it.

  She looks disappointed but she agrees. “Okay, but we’re going out on Saturday night. You haven’t been out in weeks and it’s time. We can go somewhere that’s not around here.”

  I appreciate Lauren’s attempt to cheer me up. The truth is though, I could go north, south, east, or west and I’ll still end up exactly where I am right now, alone. I agree to go out on Saturday as I pack up my stuff to leave, although it most likely won’t happen.

  As I drive home, I think about how I ran into Julian and how Serena ran into Julian and how Luke ran into Julian. I think about how he’s everywhere and how connected I still am to his world. The idea of finding ways to avoid him starts to grow and by the time I’m home, I think I’ve come up with the answer. I need to move.

  Marissa, Shannon, and Cory are in the kitchen when I walk in the door. Shannon made lasagna for dinner and they have a plate set out for me. Part of my new mission to prove I’m okay is going to require eating so I sit down and join them. I also pour myself a glass of wine. I debate whether or not to tell them about running into Julian, and because Lauren knows, I decide I better. They listen, ask if I’m okay and when I swear up and down I am, we move on. I help clean up the kitchen when we finish and excuse myself after. I haven’t been running in days and decide to go.

  It was a good choice to go running. I never intended to go very far but by the time I turn around I’ve already gone three miles. As usual, I got lost in my thoughts. Actually, I had some great moments of clarity and by the time I get home I’ve put a plan into motion. I really am going to look into moving. My company is statewide and although the most luxurious properties are in South Florida, there are great communities up and down both coasts. It would be a hit to leave The Promenade, especially when I’m kicking ass here, but I think I really need a change and a fresh start. I need to get away from all of the memories of Brady, Luke, and Julian. My plan gains traction when I think that Kevin, Marissa’s fiancé, will be coming back soon and that Shannon and Cory are about to get engaged. They’ll be moving on with their lives and I’ll need to find a new place to live anyway. After I take a shower I turn on my laptop. I go to W&M’s website and begin looking at the properties we have: West Palm, Jacksonville, Orlando, Clearwater, Fort Lauderdale. The list goes on. My eyes stop when I see the announcement of a new development opening next month in Tampa. According to the website, it’s supposed to be about two hundred units and pretty high end. Tampa. Jill lives in Tampa so I have family there. It’s still near the water and its close enough that my parents won’t freak out. The wheels in my head are turning a mile a minute as I pick up the phone and text Jill.

  Alexa: Hey, want some company this weekend?

  Jill: You want to come here? Why?

  Alexa: To get away and to see you.

  Jill and I’ve been talking so much more lately and she knows how hard this whole Julian thing has been on me. We’ve become so much closer since she opened up to me about her marital problems. I
actually start feeling excited at the prospect of seeing her. I’ve only been to her house once, when they first bought it two years ago, and it would be nice to spend some time with her in her world.

  Jill: Sure. That would be great. When are you coming? Driving?

  Alexa: I have an appointment at 9 on Friday. I can leave right after. Driving

  Jill: Awesome. Text and let me know when you leave

  Alexa: See you soon. And let’s plan on going out and having some fun

  Jill: For sure

  I map the drive and figure it’ll take me about five hours to get there. Hopefully I can get on the road by ten. I’m off this weekend because I’ve only been off one day in over two weeks. I’ll have to cancel with Lauren but I think she’ll understand. My next call is to my mom. Nobody answers at home so I leave a message.

  “Hey Mom and Dad. Just wanted to let you know I’m going to go visit Jill this weekend. I’m going to leave on Friday after an appointment. Let me know if you need me to bring anything to her and I’ll come by and get it. Love you.”

  I spend the next hour looking at apartments in Tampa. I’m sure I could stay with Jill and Derek for a while but they have enough on their plates at the moment. The cost of living is cheaper and I have some money saved up so I’d be able to get a nice place. Now all I have to do is convince my bosses to transfer me. It won’t be an easy sell but I’m hoping Andrea will be sympathetic when I tell her why I want to go.

  My mom calls me back as I’m shutting down the computer and getting ready to go to sleep. She invites me to dinner tomorrow night and I accept. Hopefully the night won’t turn into a feel sorry for Lexie session.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  It’s day two post Luke and day nineteen post Julian. I slept like crap again and know if I don’t find a way to sleep I’m going to fall deeper into a depression. I think about the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed after Brady died. I took them for a few days before I decided I didn’t like how they made me feel. I hated that I slept so deep and didn’t dream at all. In a strange way my dreams, troublesome as they are, comfort me. It’s the one place I can see Brady, Julian, and Luke without really seeing them. I know if I told someone this they’d think I was crazy but the dreams are so familiar to me now that in the absence of these men, they help me feel less alone.