Live-In Position

by V. S. Tice

  The next morning I awoke to the sound of my cell phone. Grabbing it and looking at the screen, Collin’s name flashed across. A groan escaped my mouth before I answered.

  “Hello?”

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he barked.

  I flinched. “Wha—”

  “Do you think you can just take off with her without telling me?”

  “I told you I would just take her with me,” I argued back loudly. Victoria stirred so I climbed out of bed and walked out to the living room area. My stomach did a flip. I quickly sat on the couch, taking a deep breath.

  “Damn it, Sophia, she isn’t your daughter!” His words cut like a knife. “You can’t just decide to fly her across the country because of your hobby.” The seething words burned like fire in my ear. The knots in my stomach got worse.

  “I can’t believe you just said that.” I choked on the hurt. Bile rose into my throat.

  “I—” he sighed heavily.

  “Go to hell, Collin!” I ended the call.

  My feet couldn’t move fast enough and I ended up vomiting into the wastebasket. The sobs mixed with the heaving made my stomach hurt worse. The moment it ended, I felt horrible for the cleaning person.

  I was dumping out the mess when my phone rang again. Collin’s name flashed on the screen. I sent him to voicemail and went back to the bathroom to finish cleaning the basket and myself.

  I still felt nauseated when we arrived back at the bookstore, and I had a small throb at the back of my head. The Pepto and Advil hadn’t done much to alleviate the crappy feeling. I knew Collin had really screwed me for the day. My mood and my nerves were shot. Victoria seemed to sense my discontent and stayed quiet.

  I couldn’t focus on much of anything. My mind kept traveling back to his words and to the rift between us. Could we really get married with this issue hanging over our heads? Doubt flooded me.

  Caleb pulled me out of my musings when it was time for me to take my place in front of the audience again. This time Strand had set up the area around me with large mats and blankets for the kids to sit on. The children were already there, waiting for me, so I poured myself into reading the book for them. It was a break from real life for a couple of hours.

  Regardless of the relief the reading provided, real life returned with a vengeance at the end of the reading. Stepping down from the raised platform, my sight blurred and my chest felt as if it had grown humming bird wings. Warmth spread over my face and the tilt of the bookstore shelves began to worry me. I soon realized that I was tilting, not the shelves. Just as I figured that out, everything went black.

  Low beeps and soft voices called out to me. I tried to open my eyes, but the harsh white light prevented me. Trying to move my body, I groaned. My limbs felt like they had been through an extreme workout.

  “Miss Ashwood?” I got one eye to open as the other twitched in protest. “There you are. You had us worried about you for a moment. How do you feel?” The bed began to rise up.

  “Wh-what happened?” I breathed out and started to regain command of my body’s movements. Opening both eyes, I saw Victoria balled up on a lounge chair asleep. “Is she okay?” I panicked. She had to have been scared to death.

  “She’s fine, a real trooper. The nurses have been fawning over her.” The doctor began to check my pulse. “You need to calm down. Everything is okay. You were just a little dehydrated and slightly anemic.”

  I blew out a puff of air and relaxed back into the lumpy pillow behind me.

  “I meant to make an appointment with my doctor before I left Seattle, but I guess I got distracted,” I laughed lightly.

  “So you already knew?” He smiled but turned his head as a nurse entered the room.

  I nodded. “I suspected it. A friend of mine mentioned it after we talked about how I was feeling.”

  It was his turn to nod. “So you‘ve had some ongoing symptoms then?” I shrugged with a small nod. “Can you please tell me what they have been?”

  The nurse wrapped a black cuff around my arm and began checking my blood pressure. The doctor slipped a plastic clip onto my finger and looked at a screen.

  “Um, yeah, sure. I’ve been really tired and feeling run down. No matter how much sleep I get, it doesn’t seem to help, you know?”

  “Yes, it’s very common. Tell me how you felt before you fainted.”

  “Dizzy, warm, and my sight blurred for a moment.” He was diligently writing on a clipboard as I spoke.

  “No headache? No nausea?”

  “I had the beginning of a headache this morning, but it was most likely stress related.” He eyed me closely until I continued. “I had an unexpected argument with my fiancé early this morning.” I grimaced remembering what Collin had said.

  “Okay.” He took down some more notes. “How about morning sickness?” My eyes grew three sizes. “Miss Ashwood?”

  “M-morning sickness?” I choked out.

  His brow furrowed. “You said you already knew.”

  “I knew that I might be anemic,” I shot out at him. “I got a birth control shot. There is no way I could be…you know.” My eyes flitted to Victoria, who was still asleep.

  “Miss Ashwood, it will take a couple of days for the blood test results, but we are positive that you’re pregnant.” His expression changed to a mixture of pity and concern “While the shot is a very effective method, it isn’t one hundred percent. Nothing is. How long ago was it that you received the shot?”

  “Um, September,” I whispered.

  The doctor was droning on about statistics and the one percent chance of pregnancy, but I couldn’t focus on his words.

  I’m pregnant. Oh god, I am pregnant. Collin. I need to tell…But he’s such an asshole and I... How pregnant am I?

  “How far along am I?” I interrupted his speech.

  He flipped through some pages on his clipboard. “A little over a month…basically a month and a half, give or take a couple of days.” He smiled warmly with his response. I groaned and his grin faltered.

  “When can I leave?” I closed my eyes and took a breath, bracing myself for his answer.

  “If there are no signs of stress when this IV is finished, you can leave. However you really need to limit the stress you’re under – for both of you.” He pointed to my stomach and my hands reflexively went there too. I nodded.

  “Mommy?” Victoria peeked around the doctor. “Are you okay?” she sniffed.

  “Of course, honey, come here.” Tears stung my eyes. She climbed up onto the bed and lay down next to me.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, baby, I was just dehydrated.” I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.

  “Dehidreded?” she mispronounced.

  “It means I’m not drinking enough water.” I kissed the top of her head.

  “Can you do me a favor, Victoria?” The doctor broke up our sniffling session.

  “Uh-huh?” She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

  “I need you to make sure your mommy doesn’t get stressed out okay? Can you do that?”

  “Definitely,” she nodded confidently and squeezed me tight. I squeezed her back.

  Four hours later, I was finally released. During that time, Caleb arrived with flowers and to check on me. He also brought with him some Strand gift cards. They were all nice gestures, but I just wanted to be free of the hospital bed. I needed some time to process everything.

  When we arrived back to the hotel, Victoria was hungry so we sat in the restaurant and ate. She talked about Nurse Nancy and Nurse Margaret and how they had shown her how to listen to hearts, take a person’s temperature, and weigh people. It seemed the hospital staff had been very kind to her and for that I was thankful.

  As I was slipping the key card into the door, it flew open. I stood shocked, staring into Collin’s intense face. His glacial eyes bore into me like knives.

  “I’ve been trying to find you for hours.” He took Victoria’s hand
and pulled her into the room, but his hard eyes didn’t leave my face. A familiar chill ran up my spine.

  “Daddy,” Victoria’s shaky voice whispered to him.

  “Get your things, I’m taking you home,” he ordered Victoria. Her head snapped to me with sad, watery eyes.

  I turned my glare from him and forced a smile as I looked at her. “Daddy missed you. He wants you to go home to keep him company.” I took a step toward her, but Collin stepped between us. Glaring at him I stopped short.

  “Victoria, get your things,” he ordered. She peeked around him at me again.

  “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with Mommy,” she protested and ran toward me.

  “Damn it, Victoria,” he yelled.

  “Daddy,” she cried, “I want to stay with Mommy!”

  “She’s not your mother. Grace is your mother,” he spat.

  Anger wasn’t a strong enough word for what went blazing through my veins. My stomach clenched and my teeth ground together. I stepped between him and Victoria.

  “Don’t you dare!” I growled at him. “What is wrong with you?” Calming my voice I turned to her. “Victoria, please go to the bedroom.”

  “I don’t want to leave,” she whined. “I promised the doctor I would watch you.”

  “You aren’t leaving me, honey. Please go to the bedroom.” I spoke calmly, but my icy glare never left his face.

  Victoria left hesitantly. I could feel her eyes on us until she shut the door.

  “Did she say doctor?” His face morphed to concern.

  “Don’t you dare,” I growled. “You don’t get to care or be concerned. You’re a cold bastard, you know that? How dare you build her, and me for that matter, up – calling me mommy – only to rip it from her now? Grace hasn’t called or bothered with her since her stomach has garnered her the attention she desires so much. Yet you’ll try to tear Victoria from me, the one who has been there?!”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I put my hand up to stop him.

  “I want you out of my room.”

  “Sophia…” Sadness filled his once angry face, “I’m so—”

  “I don’t care,” I spat. “Not anymore.” I walked to the door and pulled it open. “Get out.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.” He planted himself firmly.

  “Fine, I’ll call security.” I stepped to the phone and picked it up.

  He grabbed it from my hand and hung it up. Turning me around, he pulled me to his chest.

  “Please,” he begged. “I just…you were gone and she was gone. You took her away. Both of you left me.” I pushed away from him before I gave in.

  “It wasn’t like that and you know it. I told you what was going on. You need to get yourself straight.” I took a deep breath to calm myself again. “Please go, Collin.”

  His shoulders fell in defeat and he stepped toward the door. “I’m not leaving,” he said as he walked out of the room.

  For the rest of the week Collin shadowed everything we did. If I had a reading at a bookstore, he was there. If we went to dinner, he was there. But he was never actually with us. Every morning flowers arrived to the hotel from him with apologies and declarations of love. It was hard not to give in. I loved him so much and I wanted to share the news of the baby with him. My emotional state was plagued with hormonal craziness, which only fueled my confusion and guilt.

  I stayed strong until our departure from New York. Collin sat in first class on the flight, and while he had tried to move us with him, I refused to allow the change. Victoria and I flew back together in coach. The flight was long enough for me to think and make some decisions.

  It may not have been final, but what I decided seemed for the best – at least for now.

  Needing time for myself to consider everything, I moved into a guest room the day after we returned home. I needed to process Collin’s behavior as well as the pregnancy and the unexpected success with my book.

  The second day after getting back, I talked to Victoria. She cried at first, but after a great deal of reassurance she calmed and accepted my plans. We fell asleep watching a movie together, and I stayed in her room the rest of the night.

  Collin and I moved in separate circles. He was gone for work by the time I was moving about the house, and when he got home I made sure I was always busy with Victoria. There was still too much going on inside to confront him. The last time we spoke was when he protested my move into the guest room.

  The third night home, I broke our silence. I handed him a couple of things, including Victoria’s schedule.

  “What’s this?” He furrowed his brow as he sat behind his large, wooden desk.

  “Will and Miranda will be helping with Victoria while I’m away.” I spoke calmer than I thought I would.

  “Away?” he whispered and turned his sad eyes on me.

  I nodded, fighting the tears. “You’re leaving again?” I nodded. “For good?” He closed his eyes as he finished his question. His body stiffened, bracing for my response.

  “I don’t know.”

  His shoulders fell and his head bowed into his hands.

  “I need time to myself. To think about things and to just…I just need some time away.” I stood and left the room before his tears broke my willpower.

  The next morning, I took Victoria to school and then drove to Tacoma where my father and Carla expected me.

  Chapter Thirty

  -SEVEN

  I WAS WELCOMED into my old home with loving smiles but eyes filled with pity. It killed me. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. Instead, I wanted some answers to the questions I kept asking myself. Could I really stay with Collin and marry him? Would he even allow me to leave him once he finds out about the pregnancy? I couldn’t possibly live the way he wanted me—homebound and forced to give up on my dream. Now that I had a taste of everything I could accomplish, no one was going to stop me from achieving it. It could be done with Collin and Victoria in my life, but he couldn’t see that and I wasn’t sure he ever would.

  My second day in bed, Carla pushed open my door and stood with her hands on her hips. I raised one eyebrow at her weird behavior. She stared at me and I started to feel uncomfortable.

  “What?” I blurted out nervously.

  “It’s time to get out of bed. Meet me in the kitchen. We need to talk.” She eyed me in a motherly way, which said, plain and simple, “Don’t argue with me.”

  Once she left the room, I threw back the covers and headed to the shower. The warm water felt invigorating, but I was really nervous about whatever Carla wanted to discuss with me. After drying and dressing, I made my way, slowly, down to the kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee filled the air.

  “Mmmm, coffee.”

  “None for you.” Carla made me jump as she shoved a glass of orange juice at me.

  “What? Why?” I scowled at her, drooling as she poured herself a steamy cup.

  “Because it’s not good for the baby.” She sat at the table without looking at me. My eyes widened and I grasped the glass tightly.

  “H-how did you know?” I gasped.

  “I knew it!” Her beaming face snapped up to mine, and she clapped her hands.

  “Wait, what?” I slid into the kitchen chair, completely confused.

  “I was suspicious with all the bathroom time and eating like you haven’t for a year. Plus you’re glowing.” She placed a hand on top of mine.

  “You tricked me into confessing?” I was shocked at her tactics.

  She shrugged. “I do what I have to do.” Smirking, she took a sip of her coffee.

  “I can’t believe you!” I fought off laughter, but it was too funny.

  “Oh, you can have coffee. It’s decaf anyway.”

  My mouth was agape at her admission. Carla was a mastermind.

  Somehow I managed to talk to her about everything that had happened. I had to admit, it felt good to talk to someone who wasn’t involved in my Seattle life. She listened, nodded, agreed,
and disagreed, but mostly she was comforting.

  “I think you did the right thing by coming home. You need time to think about all of this and figure out what you want.” She carried our mugs to the sink.

  “You don’t think I’m running away?” I bit my lip.

  “Perhaps a little, but I understand why. You’re scared. This is a lot to deal with all at once, though I am a little biased.” She smiled brightly. “I cannot wait ‘til that little bundle gets here,” Carla squealed. I shook my head.

  “Listen, Sophia, I know I’m not your mother, but I’ll be here for you whenever you need me.” Her hand settled on my shoulder. I burst into tears and wrapped my arms around her waist. From that moment, Carla was more than a stepmother to me.

  We spent the rest of the day watching chic flicks. We laughed during Bridget Jones’ Diary, cried during Beaches, and did a little of both during Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The afternoon was relaxing, and I didn’t have to think about a thing.

  The next morning, I woke up with instant thoughts about Victoria. I called Will every day to ask how she was handling the separation and to make sure she was doing okay, but last night he sounded strange when I talked with him. I had the feeling something was wrong. Victoria was upset and hurt. It pained me to be the cause.

  I dressed quickly and warmly before climbing into my father’s old truck and driving to the docks. As I stepped onto the old wood, I could hear the water lapping against it. It was early, but most of the fishing boats had already left for their day of work on the ocean. I shivered at the thought of being on the water in this cold weather, but it didn’t stop me from walking around the docks, enjoying the water at my side.

  Victoria was sad and suffering because of me. I left Seattle to clear my head and figure out what I wanted, but I still hadn’t come up with a damn thing. The questions continuously swirled through my mind. Did I want to leave Seattle? No. Could I accept leaving Victoria? Never. Could I really give up Collin? Not at all. Did I think getting married in a few months was a good idea? God, no. There was still so much to work out, so much to discuss. I couldn’t willingly enter marriage with these issues lingering over us. Unable to take the chill any longer, I climbed into the truck and drove back to my childhood home.