by Kyra Lennon
“What do you think?” she asked.
I had to take a minute to stare at my reflection. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to do my own make-up, or how to hide my flaws and enhance my good points, but Bree had somehow managed to take it to a whole new level. My skin looked smoother than it had ever looked before. My eyes had been dusted with a stunning smoky brown with a tiny hint of glitter, and a very subtle touch of eyeliner had made my eyes look slightly bigger. My cheeks had been contoured to highlight my cheekbones, and a very soft pink blush had been applied. My lips were also pink – a shade quite close to my natural shade, and enhanced with some pink lightly sparkled lip gloss.
“If you don’t like all the sparkly bits, I can change them. Or I can change any of the colours if you don’t like them. I just figured, since you don’t wear huge amounts of make-up, this would be pretty subtle but classy, and-”
“Bree, I love it.” I continued to stare at myself, and I couldn’t help it, I pictured myself in my wedding dress and veil and… with my hair styled… I’d look amazing. I pushed out the ever-constant thought that it might all be for nothing. I had to stay positive. I had to be as confident as Deanna and Mitch that Radleigh would come back to me.
“Really?”
The nervousness in her tone made me glance up at her. “It’s absolutely perfect. How can you sound so worried?”
“Because you’re my best friend, Leah. And this is for your wedding. I don’t want to get this wrong.”
“You haven’t.” I placed the mirror down and stood up. I took her hands in mine and grinned. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
She let out a sigh of relief, as if she finally believed me. “You’re so welcome. Now… let’s do lunch and keep talking!”
That was exactly what we did. Bree removed my wedding make-up, and I let her re-apply every day make-up to my face. As it turned out, that was a wise move because after an incredible day with Bree, I got an unpleasant surprise when I got to Mitch and Deanna’s.
I spotted the unfamiliar car in the driveway as I entered and the sight of the overly flashy sports car caused my stomach to turn over. I wasn’t sure Radleigh’s parents knew anyone who would drive something so obnoxious and although I prayed with everything in me that they did, when Mitch opened the door and let me in, I could smell her perfume immediately.
“Oh God, really?” I muttered.
Mitch rested his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Leah. She knows Radleigh will be home soon and… at least if she’s here we can keep an eye on her.”
I knew Radleigh would be home soon too, and I was sort of hoping to catch him before I took Jessica home. I needed to see him. Needed a moment to be wrapped up in his strong arms and remind myself that everything would be okay. Now I just wanted to grab Jessica and run because the awkwardness of us all being in the same place at once didn’t bear thinking about.
“Did she bring the kids here?” I asked.
“No. She left them with a friend. She says she needs to talk to Radleigh about something.”
“She couldn’t have just called him?”
Mitch shook his head. “She’s trying to build some bridges here. She apologised to us for turning his life upside down, and… she’s trying.”
My heart sank. I should have known she’d want to try and get Mitch and Deanna on side but it never occurred to me. I figured she’d have just played the doting mother card and hoped they warmed to her. If she’d gone over partially to try and talk them round… either she was taking her game playing up a notch or… she was actually being genuine. Maybe she had changed as much as Radleigh had. She’d been a bitch to me, but what if she really wanted him back? What if she’d grown up now and wanted to make up for the crappy things she’d done in the past?
“Can I please just get Jessica and get out of here?”
“Sure.” Mitch nodded. “Deanna’s taken her in the kitchen. She didn’t think you’d want Jen trying to play mom to your daughter.”
True story. My stomach knotted at the idea of her being anywhere near Jessica. Jen was trying to cast herself in my role in so many ways already. I wouldn’t have her swooping in and trying to show off how great she was with my child.
“Thanks, Mitch. I’ll go and get her and try to be out of here before Radleigh gets in.”
I didn’t give him a chance to say anything more, I just wandered through to the kitchen where Deanna was reading a colourful-looking book to Jessica at the kitchen table.
“Hi,” I said, smiling as I approached them. Just like always, Jessica’s face beamed when she saw me and she wriggled on Deanna’s lap in excitement.
“Hey,” Deanna said. “Did you have a good day?”
I nodded, taking Jessica from her and holding her close to me. There it is. Everything is right with the world again. “It was exactly what I needed. The make-up trial went brilliantly, and spending the day with Bree always cheers me up.”
“Good.” Deanna nodded in the direction of the living room. “I’m guessing you want to make a quick getaway?”
“Yes please. Thank you for keeping Jessica away from her. I know it sounds petty but…”
“It doesn’t at all. Mitch is a little kinder than me. He doesn’t want her here, but he also knows she won’t disappear easily. I have no interest in anything she has to say, and I don’t want her trying to make it look as though she can breeze in here and take everything from you. Maybe a time will come when Jen and Jessica will have to meet, but not now. Not so fast. I’m wise to her. She wants to be here when Radleigh gets home so it looks like we’re all having a cosy chat. Having Jessica here is a bonus I won’t let her take advantage of.”
I smiled. “What would I do without you?”
“You’d survive.” Deanna laughed. “But I’m glad I can be here for you.”
“Me too.”
After saying a quick goodbye to Deanna and Mitch, I grabbed Jessica’s stuff and quickly left the house, only to run into Radleigh as he got out of his car.
Seeing him when I was trying to get away wasn’t what I wanted, but the second my eyes fell on him, my resolve to escape vanished. God, I loved his just got out of work look. His hair was still wet from the shower he’d taken before he left, and he wore blue jeans and his Westberg Warriors t-shirt which clung to his chest in a way that made me want to drag him home immediately.
Except I couldn’t.
“Hey,” he said as he locked his car door and walked towards us. Jessica reached out for him and he took her from me and hugged her tight. “God, I missed you, Jessi.” As she wound her arms around his neck, he reached out for me and put his arm around my waist. “I missed you both.”
“I missed you too.” As much as I wanted to resist, I couldn’t help it, I put my arms around him and breathed him in.
“I know why you’re leaving so quickly,” he said, nodding towards Jen’s car. “But I didn’t invite her here. I wasn’t expecting her.”
“I know. But apparently she wants to talk to you about something, so… I guess we should let you go.”
I said the words as if it was okay with me, but inside, my heart began to crumble because I was letting him go to her instead of asking him to come back. To tell him I’d made a mistake and I needed him back with me and Jessica where he belonged.
Except I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t solve anything. Wouldn’t stop whatever questions he had about her he needed to find the answers to.
Radleigh looked down at me, his eyes searching mine. “Can I see you both soon? Tomorrow maybe, after work?”
I nodded. “Of course. I told you, you can come over any time.”
He gave me a sad smile before turning his attention to Jessica, who had her head rested against his shoulder, a look of bliss on her face that made my heart ache again. “Daddy has to go now, Jessi,” he said softly. “But tomorrow I’ll come see you and Mommy.”
I reached for her, but instead of coming to me, she clung tighter to Radleigh, as if she understood
that he wouldn’t be home tonight. The ache in my heart spread to my gut, then slowly outwards through my body until I thought the weight of it might crush me. Jessica might have only been nine months old, but she was aware of more than I would have believed possible.
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said gently, reaching for her again. “Time to go home.”
She shook her head, her dark curls bouncing around with the movement, and Radleigh carefully tried to unwind her arms from around him. As he did so, she began to cry, and when he passed her to me, she fought against me, trying to stay in his arms. Tears sprang to my own eyes as she struggled and kicked as if I were a stranger. I wasn’t hurt that she didn’t want to come with me, I was hurting because I was the one who’d made things this way. Hurting because she missed her daddy so much that she didn’t want to leave him yet.
Hurting because she was hurting.
Radleigh tried to soothe her by holding her close to him and speaking softly to her while I tried to regain my composure, but it didn’t work. She just sobbed harder and eventually Radleigh took my car keys from my hand and, with another struggle, strapped her into her car seat. He kissed the top of her head before closing the door and walking back to me, her cries loud as she watched him walk away.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as he handed my keys back, but he placed a hand on my cheek, stroking gently with the pad of his thumb. “She’ll be okay. Once you start driving, she’ll be okay.”
I nodded. “But I might not be.”
Radleigh’s arms came around me and he crushed me against him as I began to sob too. I pressed myself into him, not wanting to let go any more than Jessica had wanted to. “Baby, please don’t cry. If this is too hard for all of us… can we please talk about me coming home tomorrow? I understand all the reasons you wanted me to go, but look at us? We’re a fucking mess. We need to be together.”
I nodded again. “Tomorrow. We’ll talk.”
“Thank you.” He pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Take her home, baby. Take her home.”
Chapter Thirteen - Used
I’d thought the night Radleigh left was the lowest night of my life, but it didn’t compare to how rotten I felt as I drove away from Radleigh’s parents’ house with my daughter screaming for him all the way home. Truthfully, she’d gotten over it a lot faster than I had. She cried herself out and just wanted snuggles when we got into the house – which I happily provided. But that little incident had me questioning myself again. Radleigh and I had not separated. Our relationship – although shaky – was not over. So who the hell was I to keep him out of his own house and away from his family? All it was doing was making all of us unhappy, all of us missing each other.
Later that evening, while trying to watch a movie, and missing the usual TV watching position of having Radleigh’s arms wrapped around me, dread crept into my bones as I heard the far too familiar sound of the news alert on my phone. There hadn’t been any photographers outside Radleigh’s parents’ place when I’d left, so I wasn’t sure what it could be this time.
“Wow,” I muttered, as the latest gossip loaded up on my phone.
Again, I ignored the words – it would all be bullshit anyway – and looked at the photos. The first showed Radleigh and Jen in a restaurant. Is that our favourite restaurant? The one we went to for his birthday? Yup. He’d taken her there. To our place. Her hand rested on his across the table and they appeared to be in a deep discussion. The next photo showed their fingers entwined, and I shut the page down, and while I was at it, I unsubscribed to the news alerts. I didn’t need or want to go through this anymore.
After swallowing back the urge to cry again, I tried to dig up my rational side, and it told me that holding hands across the table didn’t really mean anything. I mean, when I was upset, Bryce had held my hand. It didn’t mean we were about to start ripping each other’s clothes off. But the hand holding wasn’t the problem. The problem had been the way he’d looked at her. It wasn’t the way he looked at me, but it wasn’t a million miles from it. He’d been focused solely on her, eyes transfixed. They didn’t hold the same adoration he held for me, but it wasn’t merely a friendly glance either.
How did he go from being annoyed she was at his parents’ house to this?
The worst part was, I had no right to complain. I’d asked him to go away and figure things out. How could I be mad at him for doing just that?
But does he have to do it so publicly? Knowing I’d see. And not warning me that they were going out together?
I glanced at the clock, blowing out a breath. Nine p.m. That meant it was only five in the morning in the UK. I needed my brother but it was too early to call him. He wasn’t usually conscious until eight, which meant I had three hours to kill, trying not obssess over how badly I’d messed up by giving Radleigh some space.
Bryce had been right all along. Giving him space allowed Jen to crawl into it and… what? Play the understanding ex? That’s what those pictures looked like. The idea that perhaps she was genuine this time around kept bouncing around my mind, but then I remembered the sly looks she’d thrown at me. The couple of times her “nice” mask slipped. The way she’d dropped things into the conversation purely to start a fight.
And I’d bitten. Played right into her hands. She probably couldn’t have predicted I’d offer Radleigh some breathing room. More likely she’d expected I’d become overbearing and suffocating, and drive him out that way. Whatever her game plan – because clearly she had one – it was working in her favour. The worst part? There was very little I could do about it. Excruciating as it was to see her slipping into his life, I still stood by my original decision, more now than ever. I’d been ready to discuss him coming back because seeing Jessica so upset earlier had torn me up inside, but those photos? They showed me my doubts weren’t unfounded. If he’d wanted to come home so badly, and if she really meant nothing at all, he wouldn’t have gone out with her and he wouldn’t have been holding her hand.
Instead of driving myself crazy going round and round in circles, I walked up the stairs and went into Jessica’s room. She was sound asleep in her crib, the room dark apart from the soft glow of the night light. I sat down in the huge squidgy armchair beside her cot, and reached through the bars to softly stroke the back of her hand.
Some days, whenever things weren’t so great, being close to Jessica reminded me there was one thing in my life that was absolutely perfect. One thing I’d done right. I watched her as she lay on her back, her head to one side, breathing in and out slowly as she slept. The rhythm created a sense of peace inside me and I slipped my fingers around her tiny ones.
“Mummy owes you an apology, baby girl,” I said gently. “I think, while trying to do my best for you, I might have done something that wasn’t so good. But, you know what? Sometimes mummies make mistakes. Sometimes they’re small ones that people don’t even notice, and other times they have the power to change our entire future. When you’re older, you’ll learn that Mummy rarely makes little mistakes. In fact, you’ll learn mistakes don’t qualify for me unless they cause maximum chaos. I promised I’d stop doing that when I had you. And, honestly, I didn’t think there would be any reason for me to make mistakes anymore, because when you arrived, you made our lives make sense.” I paused as she stirred, the hand I wasn’t holding moving from her side to rest beside her head. “As it turns out, I still managed to make a mess of things. Mummy tried to do the smart, grown-up thing and it might be backfiring.” The admission caused the ache in my gut to tighten and tears formed in my eyes. “I need you to know that from the second you were born, everything I’ve done, every choice I’ve made has been made with you in mind, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel that way. The only thing you need to remember is Mummy and Daddy love you very much. Even if everything else changes, we’ll always love you.”
I sat beside my daughter, just watching her sleep, for over an hour. Every time she fidgeted, my heart fluttered because this tiny
human was the one person in the whole world who was a constant for me. She was a part of me. It still blew my mind that I’d had a part in creating something so perfect. Biased? Sure. But Jessica Willa McCoy was beautiful and already had a cheeky personality that matched mine before life got crazy. I wouldn’t have changed her for the world but the opportunity to put adulting on hold for a while was appealing sometimes, especially since Jen returned.
**
In spite of the pictures that had stopped my heart the night before, I heard nothing from Radleigh the next day. He didn’t call me to “explain” what had happened, he just walked through the door after work as if everything was the same. Like always, I had to control the pounding of my heart and stomp on the desire to approach him for a kiss as I always did when he came home. His newly washed hair smelled fresh, like the ocean, and I had to remind myself this wasn’t going to be the pleasant, easy conversation I’d hoped for.
“I know you’ll have seen the photos already,” he said as he threw his keys down on the table beside the door. “There’s probably no point in me telling you it was nothing, right?”
The change in his attitude from the day before stopped me in my tracks and I stared at him. He’d developed a defensive stance which made no sense to me since I hadn’t said anything yet. If my body language portrayed anything, it could only have been apprehension since I had a huge question to ask him.
“Well I guess that depends on whether or not it’s the truth.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Okay.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Okay?”
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? Seems to me you came here expecting a fight not a conversation.”
“Can you blame me?”
“No. But wandering in here ready for a fight you could so easily have prevented isn’t making anything better.” He lowered his eyes, and I took a step towards him. “Look at me.”