Immortal Confessions

by Tara Fox Hall

  “—she can dance, Maris can. You could make a fair bit of money, with her performing to your music—”

  It was clear he expected the marriage to take place right after we divided the loot. While it was encouraging he’d meant to keep his part of the bargain, there was no way I was marrying anyone, much less that young twit. However, a flat refusal would offend him. Agreeing right away would also cast suspicion, as he’d offered me no dowry.

  “I will need to consider this,” I said seriously. “May I bed her again, before I leave?”

  Maris was in my arms a few seconds later, and she was forward enough to begin taking off my clothes. I pushed her down into the grass before she could, closed my eyes, and made love to her quickly, imagining her to be Anna. After we’d finished, I made my excuses and slipped away, even as she pleadingly whined for me to come back.

  As I traveled, I tried to come up with some other plan for getting my share of the loot besides marrying Maris and then killing her. While I’d killed before with no qualms, I still retained a shred of honor: I could not promise to protect a woman, then turn around and simply kill her. Perhaps I could lay my hands on a portion of the dowry, let the gypsies inside to steal, then slip away, leaving them to be caught. It was going to have to do as a plan for now. I faced another, more urgent dilemma.

  Going to my lady in waiting smelling of lovemaking would surely enrage her. But where else could I go? There was a washbasin in the room where Anna and I met, but that might lead me to run into Anna herself. Seeing Anna would make trouble, as she might well know the scent of semen, even though she’d always acted pristine. Instead, I went to a stream outside the castle and used up my last sliver of soap to wash my body clean, though the water was freezing, and there was ice on my body and in my hair before I finished.

  I thanked my senses for that bit of genius the moment I reentered the castle. Anna was waiting for me, even though she was not supposed to be.

  “Where were you?” she said flatly. “Catching deer? Or is it salmon this time, as your hair is wet?”

  “You mean trout,” I said, pushing past her. “Salmon do not live anywhere near here, Annabelle.”

  “Don’t speak to me like I’m a child!”

  I turned and stepped into her, so we were only a hand’s-breadth apart. To my surprise, she didn’t back down. “What is it to you, Milady? I am not your betrothed, that you should be concerned about my whereabouts at night.”

  “I was worried,” she said softly. “I heard Fiona say she’d been looking for you—”

  Wonderful. There went my peaceful night.

  “—and I looked everywhere, sure you had to be within the castle grounds, but you were not here.” She looked at me steadily. “Is it because you are with someone else? Being intimate with another woman?”

  I gave her a faint smile, and tilted her chin up so we were only an inch apart. “I am with another woman, the one I’ve been sneaking off to see.” I kissed her cheek lightly, and then I tried for her lips, already imagining how soft they would be.

  Instead, I got a resounding slap. It didn’t hurt me, being vampire, but it sure got my attention.

  “Cad,” she said bitterly. “Don’t pretend that you care for me. You’ve been here not even a fortnight, and already bedded two different women. I’ll not be the third.”

  I gave her a wounded look, trying to regain my composure that was for some reason failing me. “I told you why that was. I needed a place to sleep—”

  “You had sex with them, Devlin. You were not chastely sleeping next to them for money, as you let me believe. I asked around. You’re infamous for the lovers you’ve had. The man I asked went so far as to say you’d have anyone that would have you.”

  Now I was offended. “That’s not true.”

  “Stay away from me,” she said in a warning tone. “I’m to be married the day after tomorrow. I’m not going to give myself to a rake who doesn’t care for me—”

  “I do care for you,” I blurted out. “It was nice to spend those nights with you reading, to hear your passion in your voice.”

  “Take your coin,” she said, throwing it at me and stalking off. “And leave.”

  I stood there for some time, considering my options. I picked the purse up, finally, trying to make sense of all I was feeling. Then I went to Anna’s father’s study, sat in his overstuffed chair, and settled in for the night. Going to Fiona, if that was indeed her name, would just result in an argument, no matter that I didn’t smell of anything but myself now. I had no desire to bed her, even to give myself a place to sleep.

  That lasted only a half hour; the chair was uncomfortable, being much too small. Instead, I stretched out on the nearby sofa, and slept there. As much as I knew it was risky, this being Anna’s father’s study, I wanted to be alone tonight. I felt chastened by what Anna had said, though I didn’t understand why.

  So what if she’d pointed out things about me that weren’t noble? They were true, and that was how things were. I was stuck in this low social class now, and there was no way I’d ever ascend again into the upper class with no money and no name. Hell, back then, money couldn’t buy a title, unless it was a real fortune. So why not have the small pleasures that were allowed me? What was wrong in that? Didn’t my immortality give me a warrant to do what I pleased, within certain guidelines? I considered that for a while, and wasn’t sure.

  I decided one thing that night, though. I was going to bed Anna before I left, whatever else happened.

  Chapter Two

  I renewed my efforts to seduce Anna the next day. I turned up the charm, catching her alone when I could and quoting all the romantic poetry I could remember. To my dismay, she saw right through me. In the midst of one of my long-winded odes to her, she told me plainly that she cared for me, but unless I was honest with her about what I really wanted from her, she wanted nothing to do with me.

  In retrospect, it was good I was not discovered trying to make time with her by either her father or her husband-to-be. Luckily, the lords were off hunting bear in the forest. Fiona did catch us, though. She only shot a dirty look at Anna, but I got another slap for my trouble. I was glad I’d had the foresight to grab my belongings from her room earlier in the day, so I still had my little coin, the purse from Anna, and my few belongings. Still, my guitar had a snapped string when I reclaimed it from its bag that was not an accident. It was only with luck I was able to make do with a hastily found replacement when I performed that night.

  That night, I sang for Anna and her alone. She refused even to look at me. Her pointed efforts to ignore me made me angry and reckless. After my performance was over, I left the hall first and lay in wait for her outside her room. I caught her alone a few minutes later, as she was going to bed.

  “Come with me,” I said, taking her in my arms, even as she fought me. “We’ll leave here, and go somewhere else—”

  “I am betrothed! Let me go!”

  “You don’t love him,” I said seductively. “How could you, when he doesn’t appreciate you? I do, Anna. Please believe me!”

  “I don’t love you,” she said weakly. “You’re just out to get me pregnant, so you can have a bed to sleep in when I’m forced to marry you. You’ll be like my father, with his many paramours—”

  “Never,” I vowed passionately. “I love you, Anna!”

  Though I’d said those words infinite times in songs and poems over the many, many years of my life, I was shocked that this time I meant the words I was saying.

  But Anna did not hear that. “You don’t,” she said tearfully. “You’re just using me.”

  I looked at her, incredulous. Then to my humiliation, tears slid from my eyes. I left her in shame, because never in my life had I cried in front of someone before, especially not a woman.

  I went to the forest and killed a deer, gorging myself. As I was dressing it out, I heard Anna calling for me.

  “Devlin? Devlin!”

  I went toward her voice. “Ann
a? What are you doing outside the walls?”

  There was a scream of terror. “Devlin!”

  I ran as fast as I could, and entered a meadow, to see Anna cornered against a stand of fallen trees, her eyes wide. In front of her was the largest bear I’d ever seen. It was enraged, most likely because of the five arrows sticking out from it at various spots, seeping blood steadily.

  Those idiots had gone hunting today. They’d left the hunt when they got bored, left the bear to die from its wounds. The animal was mad from pain, but its death was likely days of suffering away. It would kill her in a few moments; it was already readying itself to strike.

  I raced to her side, and got in front of her, just in time for its claws to lay open my chest when I took the blow meant for her. I let out a scream, baring my fangs, and launched myself at it.

  My chances weren’t good. I had only my fangs and a knife. And the bear was much bigger than I was.

  It struck me again, its razor sharp claws digging deep. The pain was excruciating, and I screamed as it rent me, my fury mounting.

  I tried in vain to break its neck, but its bones were too strong for that. I stabbed it repeatedly, but the thing wouldn’t stop. Blood loss from my shredded chest, my clawed arms, and my chewed-on right shoulder was rapidly weakening me.

  With the last of my ebbing strength, I grasped one of the embedded arrows, and shoved with everything I had left. The arrow pushed deep, and the bear let out a keening sound. It clawed frantically, deepening my chest wounds, but I clenched my teeth and kept pushing. Soon, it gave its last gasp, and collapsed on me.

  Anna was hysterical, crying and screaming, and to risk drinking blood in front of her wasn’t optimal. But there was nothing for it; it was feed or die. So I reared back, bearing my fangs, and sank them into the bear. I drank for a long time, until my grievous wounds closed. Then I pushed the carcass off me, and sat up.

  Anna had calmed down, and stopped screaming. She was just out of reach, watching me intently. I imagined she was figuring she should have taken her chances with the bear.

  I looked over at her. “Now you know,” I said sadly.

  I expected her to shrink away. To my utter shock, she got up, and came over to me. “You’re a nightwalker?” she said quietly. “You drink blood?”

  She must mean vampire. “Yes.”

  “This is why you’re what you are, a nobleman without a name.”

  “I was attacked long ago,” I said quietly. “And I became this.”

  “The deer you told me you hunted. You came out here at night to get blood.”

  I nodded.

  “But you have no gun, no weapons save your knife. How—”

  “I lay in wait for them, grabbed them, and broke their necks.”

  “You were hurt. Yet you act as if you aren’t now. Are you in pain?”

  “No. It’s been a while since I was bloodied. I admit, I never hunt predators,” I said awkwardly. “Deer are easier. Blood is blood.”

  “Were you with me because you wanted my blood?” she whispered.

  “No,” I said, blushing again. “I wanted your, um...affection.”

  “Come,” she said, taking my hand. “The Seine is not far. There is a stream that feeds into it through those trees.”

  We walked in silence, hand in hand. When we got to the stream, Anna sat on the bank and I washed myself as best I could. There was a good deal of blood on me, most of it mine. In spite of that, I felt strong, proud of myself for how well I’d done. I’d not really been hurt since turning vampire, discounting some minor sunburns, or really fought hard in years. It had made me feel good, to again match myself against an enemy and win. The sad thing was my new clothes were in bloody tatters. A good part of what was left of my small savings would now be needed to buy new ones. At least my boots were still whole, if a little bloody in spots.

  I felt Anna’s eyes drinking me in as I bathed naked in the stream, though she made no noise. When I emerged, I sat beside her on the grass, still naked, though I used my cloak to cover my lower body.

  “Thank you,” she said softly. “He would’ve killed me.”

  I felt her began to shake, and put my arms around her, telling her soothingly that I had her, that she was safe. When she looked up at me, her eyes scared and uncertain, I kissed her without a thought. A moment later, I was laying her back gently, even as I also maneuvered the cloak underneath her.

  The first time I touched her breasts, she cringed back, letting out a gasp.

  Damn vampire flesh. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to give you a chill.”

  “It’s not that,” she whispered, flushing madly from her forehead to her chest. “No one has ever touched me like this.”

  A hot rush of happiness filled me, tempered with a drop of unease that I quickly pushed away. Possessively, I bent my head to her breast and suckled gently. Anna trembled, then moaned softly. I released her nipple, then looked up at her flushed face from under lowered brows. “And no one else ever shall, Love.”

  I carefully removed her clothes, kissing every inch of her soft loveliness, using her long cloak as a blanket to cover us. I wasn’t cold, though I thought she had to be. But I didn’t do what I did slowly because it was our first time, or because I knew she was probably scared. I did it because I loved her. I wanted not to rush or hurry. I wanted to experience this as long as it would last, for her to desire what was coming as much as I did.

  The more I caressed and kissed her, the more she writhed, her body responding involuntarily to my ministrations. “Please,” she whispered at length, “I feel as if I can’t bear anymore, Devlin. I can’t stop trembling.”

  Ahh, at last it was time. I got myself into position, and bore down, penetrating her just slightly. She shifted beneath me nervously.

  “Shh, Love,” I whispered. “I’ll not hurt you. Just lie still for me, please.”

  Anna nodded, clasping me to her. I bore down slightly, easing inside only a short distance before I reached her hymen.

  Again, I felt tears in my eyes and blinked them back, trying to remember what my father had told me about taking virgins. I’d been with a few in my mortal years, but not since then. I wanted badly to do this with the least discomfort for her. Much as I tried, I could not remember. It had been too long, and there had been too many other women since that long ago time. My own inclination was to do it fast, and I finally decided that would be best.

  Meanwhile, minutes had passed. Anna was shifting nervously beneath me, scared from my inaction.

  “Shh,” I said kissing her, “Be still. I need to take your virginity, Anna. It will cause you some discomfort. But I must, or we can’t make love.”

  “By God, get to it then,” she whispered frantically. “I’m more terrified the longer I lie here beneath you.”

  I held her body firmly, and pushed inside in one forceful thrust. She let out a sharp cry of pain, and I stopped moving. I began kissing her gently, being careful not to crush her with my weight. She responded in time, until she was crying out a little in desire, as I stroked her body with my hands.

  I very gently withdrew, and just as gently pushed in again. She let out a little gasp, one I wasn’t sure was pleasure.

  “Are you okay?” I whispered, looking down at her. “I’ll stop, if you want me to.”

  “Are you supposed to?”

  “Stop? No,” I said, giving her a gentle smile. “But I want my body to feel good to you, inside yours. If it doesn’t, you may need time to heal, before we actually make love.”

  “Why would you offer to wait then?” she whispered. “Don’t you want to?”

  “Did I want to?” God, it was unbearable pain to hold still! “Because I love you,” I said tenderly. “It’s better to not be with you, than to be with you and cause you pain.”

  “I don’t feel pain,” she said finally. “I’m just a little sore. Please, make love to me Devlin. Please.”

  She didn’t have to ask twice. I stroked her over and
over, kissing her, whispering poetry to her. As her cries intensified, I slowed slightly, bearing down purposely with my hips, that she might get the most stimulation. She shuddered instantly, then clutched me, her breathing ragged. I rubbed my cheek on hers, relishing the moment for a split second, then brought her.

  Anna tensed in my arms as she climaxed for the first time, letting out a loud scream that echoed through the forest. She lay panting in my arms as I kissed her, shaking slightly. I wanted badly to come myself, but I wanted more to wait, to see her like this, her eyes looking into mine with realized sated wonder and just a touch of fear. God, how had I not seen before how beautiful she was?

  She regained her breath in a few moments. “Aren’t you supposed to...have what I did?”

  I laughed richly again. “I will, Love. But it will always be after yours, as once I’ve come, I may have to stop for a while to rest. It is not, will not, be completely satisfying to me if you do not feel what I feel when we make love.”

  “Then please continue,” she said, kissing me with ardor. “I want to hear you make the sounds I did, Devlin. I want you to feel that good.”

  I almost came right there, to hear her say that. Somehow I managed to last a few minutes before I came, screaming her name.

  I collapsed down on my back beside her, panting heavily, my heart racing. Slowly, I came back into my right mind.

  What had I done? I’d deflowered a lord’s daughter right before her wedding. If it were found out, I’d be killed. There would be no child, that wasn’t the problem. No one had seen us. And none of that mattered in the least, because I loved her and I was not leaving her here to marry some asshole. She would have to come with me, and we’d have to leave in secret. But we’d need money to finance our escape, and to set us up in some city, so I could get the right connections to support her myself... I thought frantically about what to do and how to do it, tightly clenching her hand in mine.

  She moved closer to me, almost lying on my chest. “I wondered why you always seemed chilled. It is because you aren’t human.”