Immortal Confessions

by Tara Fox Hall

  “I’m not,” I said, brushing her hair back from her face. “I’m vampire. I won’t age, Anna, and I’ll need to drink blood, or I’ll die.”

  She looked at me seriously.

  “I love you,” I said, throwing all my reason to the wind. “I’m not living without you. Say you’ll come with me, and we’ll leave here together.”

  She looked at me. “I am not ready to be your wife, Devlin. I don’t know you well enough.” She burst out laughing. “I feel like a brothel woman, saying that, with us laying here as we are. But it’s the truth.” She paused.

  This was good. I wasn’t ready to make her my wife, even if I loved her. The nobleman in me told it wasn’t proper anyway, when I had nothing but myself to offer her.

  “I do want a commitment from you that you’ll be with me and not other women. I won’t be disgraced, Devlin.”

  To Hell with being with other women. I wanted just her. “You have it.”

  “If I refused to go with you, what would you do?” she whispered.

  “I’d stay here, and let the sun have me,” I said despondently. “I’ve already gone through so much. Now that I’ve finally cared for a woman, I don’t see the point of continuing, unless you’re with me.”

  My words were true in the mood I was in, and better yet, they had the effect I wanted them to.

  “I will go with you,” she said, kissing me lightly. “On two conditions.”

  “First?”

  “We must wait at least a few days, until the caravan bearing my marriage money arrives. We’ll need some of my dowry to buy a home and give us a start. That money is mine by law, as it was my late mother’s.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered softly. “I believed the woman your father was with at the dinner table to be your mother.”

  “Stepmother,” Anna said with a grimace, then her face smoothed. “I don’t mean to be unkind. She has given him a son, and other daughters, and never treated me as less than them. She eased his mind when my mother died having me. But she is not my mother. Do you understand?”

  “I understand,” I said gently. “My mother is dead also, and my father, brothers and sisters. I am the only one left.”

  Anna hugged me. “I’m sorry, Devlin.”

  I kissed her cheek. “It happened a long time ago, dearest. I was never close to my mother. She wouldn’t permit it. Don’t trouble yourself. Think of our love instead.”

  Anna nodded. “You’re right, we must think of our future and prepare quickly. I’ll need to pack a saddlebag with my most precious things. You will need to buy us some horses, Devlin. You’ll have to go outside the walls to procure some, perhaps to the next town. If you purchase quality steeds for us here, you’ll draw suspicion. Do you have enough coin for two good horses?”

  “Call me Dev,” I said lovingly. “No one has for many years. But I want you to, Anna.”

  Anna was all business. “Dev, can you get the horses? We’ll never get away on foot. We must get them as soon as possible.”

  This woman was odd, to not want to lie here and be romantic with me, to be instead planning out our escape for us. In her shoes I might be too, if I was about to be married against my will.

  “Devlin, are you listening to me?”

  “Of course, Anna. I have most of the money that I made here. It’s not much, but together with what you paid me, we have enough.” I felt a little embarrassment mentioning her money, but she took no notice of that. “What is the second condition?”

  “I want you to take some of my blood tonight.”

  I was floored. I looked at her in shock with my mouth open for a long moment. Then I managed, “Why?”

  “This is what you are,” she said tenderly. “I must know if I can accept it now, or if I can’t. There’s no point planning a future together without knowing.”

  “Are you sure?” I said, fearful myself. “I don’t have to take your blood, Anna. I can survive on animal blood, for the most part—”

  “Wouldn’t you want to?” she said abruptly. “Sooner or later?”

  “Yes,” I said honestly.

  “Then do it now,” she said, laying back.

  I began shaking, entering her again slowly. As I stroked her, I nibbled at her neck. When I felt her relax, I bit down shallowly.

  That first taste of her almost killed me from sheer pleasure. Her blood was like nothing I’d ever had before. It knocked me off my feet, and I came instantly, screaming louder than I ever had in my life. My whole body shook, convulsing as I orgasmed over and over. I fought myself not to bite harder, and sucked gently at her throat, tears coursing down my face as she climaxed again beneath me.

  She tasted like sunlight, like the freshness of spring, like everything that was beautiful, like everything I’d lost when I’d lost the day. With all my willpower, I pulled my mouth off her. Then I bit my lip and kissed her throat tenderly, letting my blood heal her wounds.

  I looked down at her beneath me and decided right then that I must have her, no matter what it took. This was more than coincidence, luck, or even magic: this was destiny. I had gone through all of those lonely years to be alive here at this moment, to have found her and come to her at this time. She was going to be mine for the rest of her life, no matter what it took or who I had to kill.

  Chapter Three

  After the second time lovemaking, Anna became more relaxed. For a while, she slept there in my arms. I lay there thinking, working on her ideas, formulating them into a plan.

  It was doable, if fate was with us. I’d found her, hadn’t I? That would have to be enough to convince me of my Lord God’s favor.

  * * * *

  I woke Anna an hour later. “We must go back, Love,” I whispered tenderly. “You will be missed. I must find some hole to slink into until dark comes.”

  “Come with me to my room,” she said, hugging me close.

  Uh oh. “Love, much as I would like to, it would be my death to be discovered there. I will try the basement dungeon of the castle, there must be—”

  “My father has an extensive wine cellar, Devlin, and he does not believe in torture. Locked doors are not a problem for you, clearly, but this one will be. It’s enchanted.”

  I sighed mentally. Here I’d been thinking she was so smart. “Love, there are no real spells or magic. It is all smoke and mirrors.”

  “Really? Then why does the wall part when he commands it to?”

  “Ropes and pulleys. The walls must not be nailed or mortared together—”

  “All of it? The bricks reform out of his way and reform again into a wall, when he speaks a certain phrase.”

  “What phrase?”

  “I’m not sure, it’s in another language.”

  Sounded like a delusion, or a good illusion. “There must be a logical reason. Regardless, I will find some other place to sleep.”

  “You sleep in another woman’s bed again and I’ll not go with you,” Anna said jealously. “Is that clear, Dev?”

  “Yes, Love.” I was pleased she was jealous, that she already wanted me only for herself just as I wanted her. “Now come, we have to move fast.”

  We dressed without speaking, and hurried back to the castle. The night was already lighter. We walked quickly, and made it inside the walls without being seen. Abruptly, our luck took a turn for the worse.

  Anna and I had not been missed, but the open lock had been discovered. Even as we watched in the shadow of the wall, the magistrate fitted the door with a new lock, and posted a guard near it.

  A setback, but not a huge one. I could kill him as we made our escape, though it would be hard to do from horseback. It was going to be difficult enough riding or leading horses through that small door in any case. Getting the deer I’d killed through it had been a chore in itself. Also, how to procure horses for us and get them inside unseen? I dared not risk leaving them tethered in the forest for another hungry bear, or opportunistic peasants.

  That part of the plan would have to wait until to
morrow. I first had to get through the coming day.

  I walked Anna back to her chamber. Just as I leaned in to give her a last kiss, we heard a footstep. Anna pushed me into her chamber, and shut the door quickly behind me.

  “Sister, what are you doing up?” a female voice asked. “And not in your nightclothes?”

  “I am worried about becoming a wife,” Anna said quickly. “I got up early and went to pray.”

  “Good,” her sister said happily. “God will guide you. I believe that Marcus will make a good husband. And he’ll make a good father, just as he’s been a good friend to us both through the years.”

  “I’m sure he will,” Anna said smoothly. “Goodnight, sister.”

  She closed the door and bolted it. Then she brought me into her bed, where we again disrobed and embraced happily. We did not make love, preferring just to caress each other’s skin and kiss.

  Anna fell asleep in my arms. Before dawn, I reluctantly left her still sleeping, and dressed, wrapping my cloak around my face and hands. Then I moved to the cold uncomfortable floor, that I might pass the day beneath her bed with none but her the wiser.

  * * * *

  Anna discovered where I was when she awoke. She told me to rest, that she would be back close to nightfall.

  “Can you procure me some clothes?” I asked sheepishly. “Mine are terribly bloody.”

  “Yes. Toss your bloody ones in the fireplace. We’ll burn them tonight. Goodbye.” With a last chaste kiss, she hurried out.

  I did as she asked, then returned to my hiding place. The stone floor was uncomfortable, but I’d passed many days in similar suboptimal hideaways. It was much less risky than lounging in her bed, especially as I was now without clothes, having saved only my boots and my cloak.

  I rested there, wrapped in another blanket until she returned that night. By that time, my libido had returned to its normal insatiable level and my lust for her blood was at a crescendo. I was kissing her passionately as soon as she had locked the door behind her.

  We made love and I drank from her again, though the latter I did sparingly. I did not want harm to come to her. It was too good to be with someone that meant something to me who cared about me, too.

  I must add here something, as it occurs to me it is not obvious: I had, at that time, very limited knowledge of what I could and couldn’t do. That boiled down to no sunlight, no food, and that I had to drink blood or I’d get more and more logy until I could not stay conscious from lack of energy. That had happened to me once or twice, and both times, I’d had to drain a person completely to regain my full senses. I also knew that I couldn’t be killed by cold or a simple wound, of course, but the limits of what I could do besides that had never been tested. As Anna dozed beside me, I contemplated that mystery for the first time: why had I never cared to verify my potential powers before now?

  The bear had been a powerful opponent. Yes, it had been wounded, but I’d faced it, and won with only a knife and my fangs. A great deal of that had been my ability to heal my bodily damage when I’d drained it of blood. That meant that I’d probably be able to take killing wounds and not die, so long as I fed shortly after. That attribute might be the very thing that ensured our escape, so long as I could control my fear of being killed.

  I’d healed minor wounds quickly over the years. I knew from practice that somehow my saliva could heal up the puncture marks my fangs made, so long as the drain-ee wasn’t already dead. But that I could heal so completely so quickly with a large infusion of blood was a complete surprise.

  This untapped power of mine begged another question: what else might I be capable of that I hadn’t known? The legends I had heard said vampires could fly, and turn into rats, or mist, or wolves, or bats, couldn’t cross running water, and that they couldn’t touch silver, or anything of God, be it cross, Bible, or consecrated ground or objects. I knew the touch of a holy object had no impact on me, and water affected me no different than it did a human. Aside from God and water, was the rest true? How to know, as I’d never met another vampire in my travels? How did one learn to shift form if there was no one to teach them?

  I tried concentrating, and was not able to turn into anything other than human. So I checked that off my list. Next, I tried standing and levitating. That didn’t work at all either. There was no silver in Anna’s room, so that would have to wait for another time. Besides, now I had a headache.

  I also had the more pressing problem of how to escape with Anna. Any more vampiric discoveries would have to wait until we were settled away from this place. I made a mental note to research what I could of legends. Anna was right: this is what I was. I’d spent more than enough time not knowing the manner of creature I’d become.

  * * * *

  Anna awoke a little after midnight. After making love again, she disentangled herself from me, and reached for a goblet beside her bed. I stopped her, when I saw what was in it.

  “Don’t, Love. You risk your life needlessly.”

  “I must,” she said. “We can have children when we are settled, Dev. But we may have to travel for weeks, or months and we can’t afford—”

  “I can’t give you one, ever,” I said hesitantly. “I am unable to, Love.”

  Anna looked at me for a long moment. She seemed sad.

  I’d heard her say she didn’t want to be a mother, but I didn’t know how to mention that without sounding like an eavesdropper. I’d try another tack. “Can you still be with me, knowing this? I’ll understand if you cannot. Most women want children.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It has never happened since I was turned, to my knowledge.”

  “And before?”

  Heat suffused my face. “Yes, more than a few times. I was very fertile when I was mortal. But in the last two hundred years—”

  “Are you so old?” she said in a hushed voice.

  “Yes,” I said, feeling decrepit and ancient. “I was born in 1592, if I’m remembering right.”

  She looked at me again. “Do you not remember?”

  “I remember some things very clearly,” I said quickly. “Most of my mortal years I remember fairly well, though I couldn’t tell you my mother’s birthday, or the name of my favorite dog, though I remember their faces well. However, the years after becoming vampire are indistinct. I spent many years traveling, and singing, and they blur together, both the people and the places.” I looked away from her. “Nothing mattered to me for a long time, really, after I was turned. There was nothing to distinguish one year from another.”

  “Then why go on?” she said, stroking my arm. “I’m glad I found you, but it sounds a desolate existence.”

  “I knew if I gave up and died, that would be the end,” I said simply. “I didn’t want that to be the end of me.”

  “Don’t you believe in God?” she said curiously. “My cross doesn’t seem to bother you.”

  I reached out and touched it gently. “It doesn’t. Yes, I believe in God. I always have. I pray regularly to Him.”

  “What do you pray for?”

  For Danial. For his forgiveness. For not finding a way to save him.

  “Devlin?”

  “Redemption,” I said hurriedly. “And I found that, in you.” I kissed her gently. “Please rest, Anna. We have much to do tomorrow.”

  “We do,” she said, nodding. “The caravan is due to arrive at noon. My wedding is to take place at dawn the day after.”

  “I can get the horses tonight,” I said, climbing from the bed. “I can hide them in the forest. We’ll steal one at the nearest village we come to. That one we can send off without us, to lead the pursuers we’ll have away from us, riding the ones we own away in another direction.”

  “Good plan,” she said. “I can get the dowry purse; I know where it will be. But you’ll need to take the saddlebags with you tonight, and hide them in the forest. If they are found, the contents will point straight to me.”

  I was clearly missing something. “How
would they point to you?”

  “I want to bring my wedding dress,” she said simply. “Someday we will wed, Dev. I want to wear it, as it was my mother’s. My sisters are already married; no one will need it, after me—”

  I was uneasy and sick just thinking about getting married. Marriage and all its trappings had always seemed a prison to me. Luckily, she was right, that wouldn’t be for a while. The problem was the dress was sure to take up a lot of room. We needed all possible room for money and valuables we could sell. Maybe I could convince her to leave it behind.

  “—and it was my grandmother’s too, on my mother’s side—”

  Maybe not. Sigh. “Okay, we’ll bring it. Now we have a plan to leave, we need to have a destination. Do you have kin we must avoid in the surrounding towns? Where is your fiancé from?”

  “That I leave to you,” Anna said quickly. “I have never been outside the castle grounds, save to a church years ago, when my eldest sister was married to a Grand Duke. My family and Marcus’s prefer country life to court life, so if we can only get out of this department of France into another we should be safe.” She paused. “I was trained to be able to cook most anything, and to prepare food from forest to table. But I can not navigate by the stars, as I saw you do last night.”

  I felt a flash of pride that she had realized what I was doing, without me telling her. “I know of the bigger towns and cities. We will head there. There we can lose ourselves in crowds. Your father and fiancé will have men out looking for you. There will be more opportunities there anyway for us.”

  “What will we do?” she asked hesitantly. “I can do sewing, Devlin, so I could perhaps sew for a Lady—”

  “You will not have to work,” I said firmly, hoping to God that time would not make a liar out of me. “I will provide for you. Before I was a singer, I was taught a great deal of business and strategy. I could perhaps get a job as a Lord Marshal, which is what my father was, and what I was being trained to be.”

  “How, when you can only work at night?”

  I suppressed a growl. “I would need to work the night shift. But—”