Surviving the Pain (A Baby Saved Me Series Book 1)

by P. J. Belden

  “God, I’ve missed you,” his voice was quiet and filled with… nerves?

  “You asshole!” she screamed not caring who heard. “Get the hell away from me,” Ember seethed as she went to walk around him.

  Reaching out, he grabbed her arm, stopping her escape. “Wait, please. Let me explain,” he pleaded.

  Whirling around, she punched him… hard… in his rock hard stomach. “Fuck,” she cursed. “I’m not letting you do anything,” she spit out at him as she tried to shake the pain from her hand. “You get nothing from me.”

  “Baby, please,” he begged, and there even seemed to be tears in his eyes.

  “No!” Ember shouted just short of at the top of her lungs. “You don’t get anything. You left me! You pushed me aside like I was a piece of trash. For three years since you walked away, I have been fighting to stay together! I have been doing a pretty good job of it too. Even though every day my heart broke more and more as that night played over and over in my head. So many times I tried to convince myself that there was something I was missing. In the end, I, me, had to pick myself up and move forward. NOT. YOU. You didn’t help heal me. You were the one that broke me!”

  She shoved him hard, but he grabbed her hand before it could leave his chest. Through his shirt, she could feel his heart beating rapidly. His eyes pleaded with her for a moment of her time. The longer he held her hand, the closer she felt herself slipping. The hard walls she’d built to stop this from happening so she could protect Hudson were slowly crumbling in just moments of running into Sage again.

  “I love you, Ems. I always have. I’ve never stopped. Please, let me explain.” A sob escaped his chest and tears fell down his cheeks. The man before her, the man she loved with all her heart, was broken and breaking all at the same time. If he’d not been the one that completely broke her and then left her to raise their son on her own, she might care what he was saying. She might listen to him. It wasn’t just her. Ember had Hudson’s well-being to think about. The fact that this man stole everything from her, not just her heart, but all her dreams made him no longer an ally, but an enemy. One that must have come back to finish the job. All her dreams of going to college and getting into the firm where her father worked were long gone. The day she found out she was pregnant, they disappeared. She could have lived with that, but then he vanished too. That she wouldn’t and couldn’t deal with. Rage built in her as her getting that full ride to a college she couldn’t go to flashed before her eyes.

  “Screw. You.” Ember screamed again. “I. Hate. You!” With that, she yanked her hand from his hold and turned to find Grey standing at the door. A heartbreaking, soul-shattering sob escaped her as she ran into his arms. She couldn’t stop it. The moment everyone had been waiting so long for, it happened right there in front of the store for everyone to watch.

  “Why, Grey, why? Why does he have to keep hurting me? Why did he have to hurt me? I love him so much, and he left me.” For several more minutes, Ember sobbed against Grey’s chest. He held her tightly and allowed her to have her moment.

  Sage stood there watching as his one-time best friend consoled the love of his life. The more she cried, the more pleas that fell from her lips, it broke his heart further. He knew it was stupid for him to come back here, but he had to try. He needed to see if the fight would still be worth it. The truth of the matter was that Sage has never stopped loving Ember. She was who he thought about as he fell asleep at night. Hell, Ember was on his mind for everything. He’d wish he could tell her about something that he saw, did, or watched, but he knew he couldn’t.

  She’d been right that day when she’d found him in that pub. Pushing her away was his biggest regret and mistake. A mistake that he’d been working hard to get the chance to make up for. Sage wasn’t a stupid man. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to try. Ember was his everything and without her in his life he was nothing. The look on her face that night and hearing her cries as she ran to her parents, it haunted him every day since. If she’d give him a chance, he might be able to clear things up for her, maybe even earn her love again. It’s not that he thought he deserved that chance, he’d just hoped she’d give it to him.

  The years he’d been gone has not dulled his feelings for her. When they were younger, he’d told her that she was his everything, and he meant it. Sage wished his parents hadn’t been such assholes because he’d never have left Ember if they were better. But the month before he left, when they were after him again, they took that decision from him. They gave Sage no choice. He had to go in order to protect Ember, even if it broke him.

  Their talks on the phone for the first two weeks were what held him together. She grounded him and reminded him of what he was doing. However, Sage had no idea what he was about to face when he tried to get a job at a local mechanic shop. That day… That day was what took everything from him. The sad thing was that he had no one to blame but himself. Now, because of his decisions, she was suffering, and he was slowly dying inside. Because of options he hadn’t had at the time, he lost all chances to have the future Sage saw with her, that he’d always saw with her.

  Watching her as she struggled to pull herself together, Sage knew his fate. Though he knew it, he didn’t have to like it or accept it so easily. Looking away from his love’s shaking form, Sage caught the glare of a man that used to be his best friend. A man that promised he’d watch out for her while he was gone, until he could be with her again. A tear slipped down Sage’s cheek as he had a silent conversation with his former friend.

  “I love her, man.” Sage mouthed.

  Grey’s eyes softened, and he nodded his head and mouthed his response back. “I know. You hurt her. Why?”

  “I had no choice. I’d never willingly walk away from her. She’s everything to me. I had no choice.”

  “You’re not giving me anything to work with here.”

  “This is something I need to talk to her about, not you.”

  “Well, she’s not exactly talking to you, now is she?” His face hardened then.

  “Just how close have you two gotten?” Sage asked, narrowing his eyes.

  “I love her.” His eyes turned sad as he admitted to loving Sage’s girl.

  First shock hit him and then anger. “You what?”

  “Fuck off!”

  And just like that, the conversation was over. In that instant, Sage knew what he needed to do. As he watched her hold her hand over her chest telling Grey that her heart had already broken into a million pieces, but now it was worse, Sage’s own heart broke even more in his chest. He knew exactly where he needed to go next. Oh, this wasn’t going to be fun, he thought as he turned and walked away. Time to turn myself in.

  Six months later…

  Ember couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so miserable. No, that was a lie. She could remember, and the same person was at the root of the problem. For someone that claimed he loved her so much, he sure hurt her more – and deeper – than anyone else had. She sat in the big window of her living room watching the rain come down. Ember watched the man she loved deeply’s image dance in the rain that clung to the panes of glass for purchase. The more she watched the harder it became to hold in the tears that not just her eyes wanted to shed but her heart too. Sage broke her. Could she survive the pain knowing all she said to him? Knowing that he cried for her to listen, begged even? Sage was out there somewhere, and it killed her to know that it will never be with her again.

  Her thoughts wandered back to the six months when she tried hard to have something for Grey. When she’d first met Grey so many years ago, she remembered how incredibly handsome he was. That didn’t change with time either. He was still gorgeous, she just couldn’t force something that wasn’t there to begin with. Ember has never been a liar, and she wasn’t going to start with toying with someone just because she was tired of being alone.

  God, was she ever tired of being alone. Hudson seemed to be oblivious to the pain that filled her on a daily basis.
For that, she was glad. Since running into Sage a few months back, Ember has been on edge. Every time she left, especially with Hudson, she freaked out. Being so tense was really wearing on her. As far as Ember knew, Sage had no idea he was a father. If he had then, his absence over the past several months only proved keeping Hudson away from his father was the right decision.

  Looking back on the day she’d run into him, she found herself kind of wishing she’d let him explain. At least, then, she’d have answers to the questions that have haunted her for so long. Though Ember knew she’d have answers, she still didn’t want to give him a chance to find out about Hudson or to break her heart further.

  In that single moment of running into him, her heart began to beat again, her body came alive. There was no way that she’d give him the chance to destroy her further. Pulling the sleeves up on her long sleeved shirt, she stared at the marks that her depression had caused her.

  Shortly after breaking up with Grey, she lost herself in the pain. When her son was awake, she forgot for a moment everything that was bringing her down. That wasn’t the case when he went to bed. She’d started cutting herself to deal. Not so much to help her, but to put a visual pain to the emotional pain, she felt so overwhelmingly. It had actually started by accident on a night when she was doing dishes and a glass slipped from her hand. Upon trying to clean up the bigger pieces, a piece had cut her forearm when she slipped on a wet spot on the floor. Seeing the blood, feeling the pain… Ember didn’t know what it was that clicked for her, but now each arm sported eight good size scars.

  Ember had actually stopped for a little while after her first set of two scars. But then she got the first piece of mail. A letter. It threatened her. Blamed her for something that she had no idea what the person was talking about. That brought about two more sets of two scars. Then once again, she realized what she was doing and stopped. But then she ran into Sage. During the past few months, Ember’s forgotten how many times she’s cut herself. Some of them left scars, some were never deep enough to leave them behind. Sage’s reappearance has her scared, for herself, for Hudson.

  A sudden knock on her door caused her to freeze in the constant rubbing of her scars. Ember looked at the clock on her wall and saw that it was ten o’clock at night. Climbing from the window sill, she walked slowly to the door. The knock filled the panicked silence again. Carefully, she peeked through the peephole. Laughter left her lungs in relief when she saw Holden and Jada at the door.

  Holden James worked at her father’s firm as a consultant. He was damn good at his job and to those that didn’t know him, he could come across quite scary. His dark brown hair seemed to highlight his almost silver color eyes. Much like Grey and Sage, he towered over her. Ember thought back and remembered him and the guys challenging each other and said he had three inches on Grey. If that were the case, that would make Holden six foot six inches tall. No wonder he towered over her.

  Jada was a petite little thing. She may look fragile, but she could kick some serious ass if she needed. With her red hair, it was no wonder she could be a handful. As most of her family, she had bright green eyes, only hers carried a hefty amount of mischievous tones in them. Jada was now a secretary at her father’s firm. She’d left the diner behind to work at Watson Inc. for more money and dependable hours.

  “Will you stop your damn laughing and open the door?” Holden’s impatient tone carried through the door halting her laughter.

  Unlocking the four deadbolts that now house her door, the chain, and hook, and finally the knob lock, she opened the door. Ember upped the amount of locks on her door after she was attacked. Holden gave her that same look he always gave her when she unlocked the locks. Worried. One thing about Ember was she’d ask no one for nothing. If they knew the letter she’d received they’d be all over her in a minute. Sometimes it was wonderful to have them around, others it was just a pain in the ass.

  “What do I owe the honor of you two stopping by and so late? You know that Hudson is in bed right?”

  They stepped inside, and she closed and locked the door back up behind them. The truth was this neighborhood – moreover, this apartment complex – was not a safe area. The amount of killings here would shock anyone. Not to mention the robberies and rapes. It wasn’t that bad when she’d first moved in here, but over the years, it has increasingly gotten worse. She wanted out, but she couldn’t even afford to live here let alone find another place to live.

  “We know, but your dad wanted us to drop this by. It came in the mail at their house. We got out of there late and didn’t get here until now. There’s no return address, though,” he commented with a frown as he stared at the box.

  “Just set it over on the island. Do y’all have time to sit and chat?”

  “I do,” Jada said excitedly. “You don’t need to do school work?”

  It took a lot out of Ember to keep the smile on her face. She’d been pursuing her dream to work at Watson Inc. with her father, but after her attack, she fell behind on everything and had to use her stipend check to cover all her bills. When it came time to cover her classes, she couldn’t. Not that she had the time anymore to work on school. She was always trying to pick up any shift she could in the hope of getting enough money to cover bills that month. No one knew how bad she had fallen. Nor would she let them know. They were okay for another month. She’d continue to work her ass off to get enough to cover bills for the next month. Hudson was more important than school. Ember vowed when shit started hitting the fan, that she’d never let him down.

  “Nope, already done. There wasn’t much I needed to do tonight. It’s spread out over the week thankfully. The only thing on my agenda tonight was sleep, but I’d love to catch up with friends too.” Even hearing her own voice say those words, she couldn’t believe how desperate she’d became.

  “I can’t stay,” Holden said as he stared at Ember. His eyes told her that he knew something was up, but he just didn’t know what… yet. One thing that Holden couldn’t stand was anyone close to him suffering from any type of pain. “I’ve got some things I need to do for your dad before I crash,” his tone was skeptical at best.

  Walking over to the burly man that she considered a brother, she hugged him. After a moment’s pause, he hugged her back tickling her sides in the process. Laughing, Ember wiggled out of his hold, smacking him.

  “You always do that, butthead.”

  He grinned a big cheeky smile. “And every time you laugh like a hyena.”

  Ember’s mouth dropped open. “I do not!”

  “Do too,” he shot back and then stuck out his tongue at her.

  She tried, boy did she try, to keep the angry face in place, but when he acted like this it was too hard. Laughter soon spilled over, and both of them were laughing right along with her. She moved over and hugged him once more before pulling back and looking up at him.

  “Come over some time. Hudson is missing his Uncle H. a lot.”

  “I will try and come over this weekend. Okay?”

  Nodding her head, he leaned down and kissed the top of her head, squeezed her tightly for a moment and headed for the door. Holden stared at it for a few moments before turning around and looking at Ember. Pointing to the door, he gave her a hard look.

  “Why all the locks?”

  Ember played with her shirt and kept her eyes on the floor. As she focused on what to tell them, she hadn’t noticed that Holden had walked back over to her. When he touched her, Ember about jumped out of her skin.

  “What is going on Emmy?”

  “Nothing,” she tried desperately to get him to believe. When she saw the ‘bullshit’ look come across his face, she knew she had to give him something. Looking at Jada, Ember pleaded with her eyes to get her out of this, but it fell flat. Huffing her frustration loudly, she gave them something, but not everything. “It’s just… since I was attacked,” Ember shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t feel safe for Hudson or for me.” Thinking back to that night brought it all ba
ck as if it were happening all over again.

  “Ember,” Kenny shouted from the back to be heard over the crowd.

  Finishing clearing the table that just left, it was ready for the next group in line for the corner booth. Tossing everything in the station, she headed back to hear what Kenny needed from her. There’d been talk of losing hours and wait staff, but until she’d heard it from his mouth, she refused to believe anything. Kenny had welcomed her into his family when she became best friends with his daughter Bexley – or Bex as they called her – when they were just in fourth grade. Ember believed it was the sole reason she got the job here, especially when she was pregnant.

  “Yes, boss,” she announced when she stood in the doorway of his office.

  He looked up and smiled at her. “How’s Hudson?” He loved Hudson – as did most people that got to be around him – and Hudson thought of him as another grandpa. A smile formed on her mouth at the thought of her rambunctious son.

  “He’s doing good. Getting a bit too old for my liking, but doing well.”

  “Are your parents watching him tonight?”

  “Yes. They never pass up a chance to have him there.” Once again her heart swelled with the unconditional love and support she received from her parents. She was definitely lucky to have them as her parents. There would never be a moment that she’d think differently.

  “Do you think you can call them and see if you can work a little longer? I need you here. Just got a call for a party of twenty-five coming in. Bex is staying, and I figured you both can work their sections.”

  “Sure,” Ember smiled. Turning she walked into the little break room and phoned her parents. “Mom? What is going on? I can barely hear you.”