Surviving the Pain (A Baby Saved Me Series Book 1)

by P. J. Belden

  Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life. Love ‘til your heart’s content. Laugh often. Forgive freely. And remember that no matter where our paths take us, my love will forever be yours to carry you through any tough times you may have.

  With all my love,

  Looking at the jewelry boxes, she knew at that moment that she needed to hear him out. Nothing about her heart would be involved, though. She’d make sure that was locked up tight. No, this was for answers. Answers she definitely needed to have so she could finally move on with her life. The hurt – and still pissed – part of her wanted to not believe a single word he wrote. Then there was the other part of her – the part that still loved him – that knew he loved her. Even that side, however, questioned if it was enough to move past the pain and years he’s missed.

  Just then another loud crash filled the silence followed quickly by a lot of thumping. Hudson whimpered beside her, and she knew she needed to fight back. The problem was that Ember had no clue who or how many were out there. Hiding in this closet seemed to be the smart thing.

  “Hudson,” Ember whispered.

  She could see the pile she had on him shift in the darkness of the closet. “What,” came Hudson’s scared little voice.

  “Do you think those dinosaurs know we’re here?”

  “Dinos? Huh?”

  “Well,” she worked to laugh past the panic. “We are being attacked by dinosaurs, aren’t we?”

  A huge grin – that Ember could see even in the darkness of their close quarters – spread across his face. Right there, in that single smile, she knew pretending they weren’t in any real danger was the right call. There were a lot of things that Ember wasn’t sure she was doing right when it came to raising her son alone. This wasn’t one of them.

  “Uh huh! Shhh!” He put his tiny little finger to his small mouth. “Day hear you,” he whispered loudly.

  For an unknown amount of time, they pretended they were climbing mountains and swinging through trees. He was laughing, and Ember held her breath every time praying they didn’t hear. She heard a knock on the bedroom door. Turning back to Hudson – whose smile just fell – she forced a smile and continued their charade.

  “You hide in the bushes over there. I’m going to go see if the dinosaurs can see us.”

  His smile wasn’t so bright this time. Still, he climbed back under all the things she’d previously covered him in just as she’d asked. Quietly, she opened the closet door and crawled quietly out of it. Another knock. The absurdity of why they’d be knocking on her door hit her like a ton of bricks. She stood from the floor and walked to the door. Another knock sounded on the door. This time, it was followed by a voice.

  “Ember? Are you in there?”

  Holden!

  Quickly, she unlocked the door and flung it open. The minute she saw his face her body started to shake. Holden immediately held her tightly. He joked about having to stop using him as a tissue but never loosened his hold. The soft whimper from the closet reminded her that she needed to keep it together. Wiping away the tears, Ember looked up at Holden.

  “D-d-did you get whoever was out there?”

  His face dropped as he shook his head. “The place is destroyed, though. You guys need to get out of here.”

  “No, I’m not leaving. But if you don’t mind, will you stay here until I can get Hudson to my mom’s. He doesn’t need to see this. I’ll get it all cleaned up after I buy a new door and locks on my way back.”

  “Emmy…”

  “Don’t,” she snapped. “This is my home, and I’ll be damned if I lose it because some punks want a quick buck.”

  His eyes widen in shock. The truth be told Ember didn’t really want to stay here for another minute, but at the same time, she didn’t want to fail either. She wouldn’t move back home. Turning around, Ember headed to the closet. After several minutes of convincing him that the dinosaurs left, she gathered her keys, put a coat over his head so he didn’t have to see any of the mess that she knew would be there and carried him out to her car.

  One month later…

  It took a long time for Hudson to be able to sleep at night after the break in. Even now he’ll come into her room to sleep in her bed. It didn’t bother her, though. Hudson was a heat box, and it helped lull her to sleep at night. Today, Ember was going to take Hudson to the park. The gang said they’d meet them there. It should be a lot of fun for Hudson. His favorite thing is the jungle gym. It, of course, was where she had the most heart attacks.

  “Park!” Hudson cheered as they pulled up in front of a city park. “Oooo, dair Jaja Mommy!”

  “Yes,” Ember chuckled. “Everyone came today to play with you.”

  “Yay! Yay! Yay!” he cheered loudly.

  The minute he’s set free from the car, he’s off like a light toward Jada. Ember laughed as she watched Jada hurry to catch him when he launched himself at her the minute he was close enough. Her son definitely did not lack for love that was for sure. He had three incredible aunts, three protective uncles, and grandparents that thought he hung the moon. What child could possibly want more than that?

  He needed a father, his father, the thought popped into Ember’s head before she could stop it.

  Just then Grey yelled out Hudson’s name. She watched as her son froze and looked in the direction his name came from. A smile so big and so blinding spread across his face before he ran full pelt into Grey’s outstretched arms. Grey stood up, hugging him tightly and spun around. His laughter was joined quickly by Hudson’s. The whole thing just broke Ember’s heart.

  Turning away from the sight before her, she found the bench near the jungle gym and sat the bag down and pulled out a water bottle before sitting down. Everyone strolled over hugging Ember hello. Hudson squirmed out of Grey’s arms and ran over for a drink. Grey moved over next to me, hugging me tightly. It was quiet, and she almost missed the words that he whispered in her hair.

  “Damn, you are so beautiful. I miss you so much.”

  Pulling back, Ember thought it best to ignore him. However, her son had no problem making things awkward.

  “Grey, why don’t you stay the night anymore?”

  Ember could feel her cheeks burning as she turned to busy herself. Holden did nothing to hide the fact that he was laughing at Hudson’s bluntness. Grey coughed a few times before she watched him kneel down in front of him.

  “Buddy, I’d love nothing more than to be at your house,” he looked up at me as he said, “…forever.” Then he turned his attention back to her son. “But see, only people in love with each other stay over at each other’s house and your mom and I realized that we don’t love each other enough to do that. Do you understand?”

  “Nope!” Everyone started laughing. Hudson’s face fell. “I want my daddy, though. Or can you be my daddy?” He asked Grey.

  Tears burned her eyes. She mumbled something about needing something from her car and walked off. The whole journey to the car, she struggled with her breathing. Tears fell silently and fast down her cheeks. Nothing was easy anymore. Hell, nothing had been easy for a very long time. Yet here she was, trying to do the right thing by not making a decision for her son that wasn’t hers to make and it was killing her every moment.

  “Ember? Are you okay?”

  Turning, she found Aspen standing not far from her car where she’d slide down the side to the ground. The only thing she could manage between her sobs was the shake of her head. Her hand lay clasped around her throat, desperately trying to breathe. Ember wasn’t sure if this was a panic attack or if the pain in what his one simple sentence caused was suffocating her.

  “Look at me Emmy,” Aspen’s rough rumble filled her ears.

  Lifting her eyes to his, her blue eyes met his ice blue eyes. His eyes were the first things that Ember ever noticed about him. The color was so light that it almost looked like they were white with a light blue tint. They really stood out against his auburn mop of hair that sat on top of his head, with stran
ds falling over his eyes sometimes.

  Ember thought that Aspen cared about only one person, and he lost her when they were younger. His sister. Isa also lost a sibling when she was younger too. It was her twin brother. Because of this common thread, the two of them are closer to each other than the rest of them. They all understood too. No one could possibly understand a pain like that than a person who has gone through it. Without a doubt, it was likely a pain that never fully eased or went away.

  “Good girl. Now, focus on my voice. Every three words I say, I want you to take a deep breath. Hold it for two words then let it out for three words. Can you do that for me?”

  Somehow, Ember managed to nod her head. He smiled slowly before nodding his own head.

  “So I took,” he paused to make sure she was following his instructions. When he saw that she was, he continued. “… this girl home last week. I let her know at the bar, you know the one that I’m a bouncer at part time? I told her that I’m not a relationship kind of guy and that if that’s what she was looking for, she was barking up the wrong tree. The damn girl told me she was looking for a release and nothing more. This chick shows up last night ranting about me flirting with a girl when I was with her. I about came unglued. E had to take charge because she was going completely postal. Even accused me of sleeping with you.” Aspen laughed. “Can you believe that? Sleeping with my sister,” he shook his head and laughed.

  “Was that long ass, crazy story for my benefit only,” Ember asked as she laughed.

  “Well, it is one way I can get you to listen to the stories of the crazy chicks I deal with on a daily basis.” His eyes twinkle with amusement and relief. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay thank you.” Not interested in talking about it further, Ember stood from the ground. “Let’s get our kid on,” she grinned playfully.

  Aspen stood with her. “Our kid on, huh? In that case, I’ll beat you there.” When Ember turned to start running, he grabbed her arm. “Wait.” He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I’m here if you need me.” He smiled. “Go!” That was all the warning that Ember got before Aspen was off running.

  “Uncle Pen!” Ember heard her son yell excitedly.

  “You gotta wait buddy. I’m trying to beat your mama.”

  “He cheated Hudson,” she fake whined behind Aspen.

  Stopping dead in his tracks, he turns around and before she could stop, she collided into him, knocking him to the ground and falling with him in the process. Hudson’s laughter made them both smile. They both struggled to stand.

  “I did not cheat. Just because you were too slow at the start gate means that you are just a sore loser, not making me a cheater.”

  “You kissed me and talked to me before you took off running,” she countered.

  “You kissed her?” Grey’s voice boomed loudly.

  Before any of them knew what was happening, Grey punched Aspen, knocking him back a few steps. Hudson started crying and Ember wedged herself between the two battling men.

  “You knock it off right now,” she yelled, shoving him. “Isa, will you watch Hudson a moment? I need to have a word with Grey.” Her voice was so deadly calm that Grey swallowed hard with nerves.

  “Sure, we’ll go play on the jungle gyms.”

  “Yay!” Hudson cheered and took off.

  Ember didn’t even utter a word. She just walked off toward the car. Far enough away from the guys overhearing and more importantly Hudson, who has already begun to wonder about his daddy or lack thereof.

  Once she reached her car, she spun on Grey hitting him upside the head. “What the hell is wrong with you? You just punched one of your best friends.”

  “Because he kissed my woman,” he growled.

  “I’m not your woman!”

  “Why not?” He almost screamed in her face.

  “I explained this to you when we parted ways, Grey.”

  He sighed, running a hand through is short hair. “Sage isn’t coming back, Ember. I could make you so happy. I promise.”

  “This isn’t about Sage. I mean it kind of is, but not completely. This is about me. This is about my son. More importantly, this is about the feelings that I don’t have for you. I’m not yours, Grey. I haven’t been for a very long time. And I’m not sure I ever really was even the six months we were together. I was trying to be, don’t get me wrong, but I just couldn’t.”

  “Just because you don’t love me doesn’t mean I can just shut mine off. In my eyes, deep in my heart, you’re mine.”

  Reaching up, Ember tenderly touched his cheek. The minute their eyes met, he dropped his head. Sighing, she pushed forward with what she had to say to him, hopefully, to get him to understand.

  “I’m not who you were meant to be with, Grey. If I were, then I’d love you just the same back. I love you but as a friend. Sage, he stole my heart when I was only thirteen years old. When he left, he took it with him. Don’t hang yourself up on me, when the girl of your dreams is out there waiting for you to notice her.”

  Grey looked up just then, and his saddened face turned into a glare. Just as Ember was about to turn around to see what he was looking at, Grey grabbed her spun her back to him and kissed her. His tongue pushed into her mouth, and his soft moan filled her ears as Grey pushed her back against her car, pinning her between his mouth and her car. Quickly, she brought her knee up and nailed him in his junk. Jerking back he looked at Ember.

  “What the hell?”

  “I told you before!” she screamed. “We are just friends. Did you not listen to a word I just said?”

  “I, uh, I’m sorry. I just wanted one last kiss to remember. You know the last day that we were together, I didn’t realize it would be our last. Here I thought my world was finally falling into place, and as I held you in my arms, completely sated, I thought it’d be like that forever. Was it just a goodbye fling? Give him a prize for waiting for six months?”

  Ember moved away from him before she did something stupid, like punch him. “How dare you?”

  “I’m sorry Ems. I…”

  “Don’t call me Ems,” she snapped quickly. “That’s Sage’s name for me. His name for me. Do you hear me? Call me ‘Emmy’, ‘Ember’, you can even call me a slut, but don’t use that name with me.” Even Ember couldn’t miss the desperate plea in her own voice.

  “I’m sorry. I completely forgot that… Oh God! When I first told you I loved you… I called you ‘Ems’. That’s why you cried, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes. Please understand Grey. The way you think you feel about me is the way I know I feel about Sage. I’m not trying to toy with you. I’m trying to save you from the pain that I’m in and save the woman you’re meant to be with from it, too.”

  He nodded his head for a while, not looking directly at her. “Yeah, I understand. We are friends. I’m sorry for losing my temper.”

  “Don’t apologize to me. Aspen is the one that deserves that one.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, but I’m sure a punch is about to be placed neatly on my face,” he laughed harder.

  Shaking her head with a smirk, Ember turned and started back over to her son to enjoy the rest of the time everyone will be here.

  One year and six months later…

  Hudson was five years old. When did that happen? Honestly, Ember asked herself that question consistently over the past few birthdays. He was an incredible young man, just like his daddy was. After that day in the park, his asking about his father was almost a constant. When he was four years old, Ember pulled out all the pictures that she had of Sage and showed them to him. He’d asked if he was dead, which was a question she hadn’t seen coming, Ember had to tell him a little of what happened. Ever since then, it’s become his nightly routine to hear about his father, the man he prayed every night would come back to his life to love them both as they loved him.

  It’s funny how a child could see the undying love an adult had for someone else, but many times adults c
ouldn’t see that. Hell, there were times that even Ember herself didn’t see it. Or maybe it was the simple fact that it hurt less if she didn’t? She didn’t know, but regardless, Sage held her heart, and he’s not been back since their chance encounter. How could he have said he loved her, but then never show his face again? It didn’t make sense.

  Today was two weeks from his birthday. They were on their way to the store with Gran and Gramps to help pick out the theme for his party. Ember’s parents took Hudson to look at the dinosaurs and ninja themes while she just wondered around lost in her thoughts. Just as she was rounding a corner, she ran face to chest into a guy. By the way, her body reacted, she was almost afraid to breathe.

  “I don’t know how you do it, but every time I see you, you look even more beautiful than before,” came his deep, tender, husky voice as he ran his hands down her arms.

  “Sage,” she breathed as her eyes met his.

  “Where’s your man,” he tried to act nonchalantly, but it didn’t work.

  “I’m – I’m not with anyone,” Ember replied confused.

  “You’re not with Grey?”

  “No,” she answered insulted. For whatever reason, it bothered her to think that he thought she could move on so easily. “We’re just friends.”

  “Listen, Ems. I really need to talk to you. I know I don’t deserve your time…”

  “No, I want to talk. At first, it hurt too bad to even see you, but I think for me to fully move on, this is what I need to do.”

  “Really? Are you busy right now? We could go grab something to eat and talk.”

  “Well, uh…”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing! Nothing’s wrong. Meet me outside. I need to let my friends know I’m bailing.”

  “Oh, okay. Okay…” He sounded almost skeptical, but still turned and walked out of the door.