Surviving Faith (The JackholeS, #2)

by Joy Eileen

  Studying it closer, I noticed Kill was sitting at the boys’ table at Ray’s. He looked younger...and sad. I could tell right away it had been taken when Kill was going through his I’m going to fuck anything with a vagina to make me feel better phase.

  My blood cooled immediately and I turned the picture over to read the dark red script scrawled across the back.

  How many do you think he’s

  had since he left?

  I'll be here for you when

  he hurts you, but don’t think

  I won’t say I told you so.

  I was furious at the timing. Of course it would come right after my doubts had reared their ugly heads about my path in life. I stashed the note with all the others and fired up my laptop.

  An aggravated roar ripped through my lips as I glared at my computer screen. My eyes were blurry from staring at the screen for hours. The numerous failed attempts at the different stories I had tried to write was repulsive. I would’ve happily chucked my laptop out the window without an ounce of regret. Resigned to the fact I wasn't going to write anything worthwhile, I turned it off, giving it a disgusted look before walking downstairs.

  My stomach growled, as if it were as disappointed as I was with my failed writing attempt. I texted Kill to let him know what a failure I was as I put a bagel in the toaster. Kill responded right before he was about to go onstage, making me promise I would stop trying to force my something.

  Why he thought I’d be able to write anything that wasn't poo on paper was beyond me. I didn't want him to worry while he was onstage, and I was afraid I sounded like a whiny bitch, so I texted him back telling him he was right and I loved him.

  I loved reading and getting lost in other people’s stories. Why couldn't I create the same effect? With that thought, the proverbial light bulb lit above my head.

  An idea started forming, brewing as I chewed. I didn't know if it would work, but it was worth a shot.

  I snatched a Diet Pepsi from the fridge, and headed upstairs. As my computer turned on I no longer felt the hatred for it I had minutes ago. I gazed at the blank white page and blinking cursor as it teased me. Every flash taunted me, willing me to make it move across the page.

  I realized I’d been procrastinating, afraid I wasn't strong enough to allow my story to materialize in the real world for others to see. If I did this, I’d have to face my past, and I refused to do it half assed.

  My hands were clammy on the keyboard, and I snatched them away. I took a long drink, before poising my fingers back in place.

  And then I started to write.

  My fingers flew as I wrote about a little girl named Hope. Using false names was the only lie I would allow myself. Hope was born to the greatest father a little girl could have and a mother who shouldn’t have been allowed to have babies.

  Tears streamed down my face as I wrote about Hope's fourth birthday party. I made sure to include every detail I could remember. By the time my eyes were burning from exhaustion, I’d written over twenty pages.

  My soul felt lighter. I was no longer writing about my life; I was transferring it to Hope. The whole process was purifying. I imagined the feeling must be similar to what a person who had just endured an intense therapy session would feel.

  I wondered if I could actually package my life away on a computer screen, so I could walk away from the wreckage. Saving everything I’d expelled, I got ready for bed.

  My phone charged by my head as I fell asleep, and I jerked awake when it blared in my ear.

  “Hey, Slick.” His voice brought me closer to the surface of wakefulness.

  “Hey, Killer. How was the show?” I didn’t bother moving, instead I laid the phone under my head on my pillow.

  “It was fucking insane. We just got back from dinner. Have I told you how much I miss your cooking? Anyways, peopled totally recognized us. It was crazy. Security had to remove some chick when she threw herself at D, as she screamed she was pregnant with his baby.”

  Poor D, out of all the band members she had to pick him. I wished they would have taken a picture when that claim was made.

  “You should’ve seen him." Kill laughed so hard he stopped talking to get himself under control. "D started backpedaling and stuttering. I’ve never seen his face look so pale before.”

  We were both howling over the phone. I had to wipe away the tears rolling down my face. D yelled in the background, “Shut the fuck up!” Everyone on the bus burst out laughing. When we got ourselves under control, an unexpected yawn tore out of me.

  “I'm sorry I called you so late. I couldn't resist hearing your voice before I went to bed. I also wanted to see how you were doing.”

  “I'm better. Don't worry about me; I just needed to vent,” I said as my eyelids fought to stay open.

  "Of course, I'm going to worry about you. You're my girl."

  “I'm your tired girl."

  "Okay, I'll let you get back to sleep. I just wanted to hear your voice. I love you; sweet dreams.”

  “Night. I love you too.” I barely got the words out before falling back to sleep.

  I cornered Jessie in the breakroom at work sick of her avoiding me. “Jess.”

  She paused, her back to me, and I knew it was a fifty-fifty split whether she would look at me. She finally moved, her eyes on the ground.

  “Listen, I'm sorry about what happened between you and Van. I'm not going to lie. I think you two have something special, and you should open up to him.”

  Her eyes hardened, and by the shift of her hip, I figured she was about to storm out on me. I hurried to get out what I wanted to say.

  “But it's your decision. I love you, Jess. You're my best friend, and not having you in my life hurts. I'll respect your decision. The only reason I disagree with it is because I want you to be happy. Please don’t push me out of your life. I miss you.”

  Her eyes softened, and she surprised me when she hugged me. “I missed you too. No more talking about the boys. Van texted me and asked me to take the time they were on tour to think about what I wanted. He said he wasn’t ready to give up on me yet. So, I'm going to think about it.” By the look on her face, it seemed Jessie wasn't ready to give up on Van either.

  We fell right back into our friendship, talking about everything we’d missed since she’d been avoiding me. Everything except the boys.

  "So, what's going on with you and Trent?" Jessie asked as we cleared a recently-vacated table.

  "He wants to be friends. So we’re trying."

  "Again?"

  "Yes, again. My best friend was ignoring me. Amy abandoned me to go on tour. I was running out of options." My words were bitter to my ears.

  "You're right. I'm sorry. I think you need to stop giving people your time when they don't deserve it, though. You’re too nice."

  "And I think you cut people out of your life too quickly."

  We stared at one another, each of us absorbing the other’s words.

  "Maybe you're right," she finally responded before walking toward a table of college kids signaling her.

  I let out a deep breath as I tried to get my heart to stop its rapid beating.

  Denise caught up to me as I watched Jessie talk to Ryan. "I'm glad you two are talking again. She needs you right now. Her eyes are too haunted. Her drama will help keep your mind occupied while your yummy man is away."

  I kissed Denise on the cheek and went to pick up my order from Ryan.

  "It's about fucking time. Her drama was giving me a headache," Ryan said, emphasizing her words by rubbing her temples.

  "Well, we can always talk about Matt," I shot back.

  Ryan's face paled as she glared at me. "Touché," she finally relented before handing me my full tray.

  Kill called just after I’d climbed into bed. "Hey, Killer. How was the show tonight?" I asked, snuggling into his pillow, saddened that his smell was fading away.

  "It was incredible," he answered, his tone less than enthused.

  "Wh
at's wrong?" I asked, my heart turning to stone.

  "Nothing's technically wrong," he said hesitantly. "The tour seems to be doing better than expected, and our manager has booked more venues."

  Warring emotions of pride and pain sliced through me. "That's amazing. It's one more step toward getting my car," I joked, refusing to let him get upset by his news.

  "Are you okay with this, Slick? You know I love you more than this, right?"

  "Yes, Killer. I'm so fucking proud of you. All of you. We are fine. We both knew there was a possibility of this happening. I'll be here when you get home."

  Kill released a pent-up breath. My heart skipped when I realized how worried he’d been about the tour being extended.

  Kill and I tried to talk every day. Their tour had not only been extended, but more venues were added in between, leaving the boys with less free time.

  At work, DJ Smoke made an announcement over the microphone, pulling me out of my brooding state. "Little Miss Faith, I have a surprise for you. Can you please come up to the DJ booth?"

  As I made my way over, I tried to figure out what Kill could’ve possibly done, knowing whatever was happening had something to do with him. My body jolted when Kill's voice echoed through the bar speakers. DJ Smoke winked at me as he held his phone up to the microphone.

  “Hey, Slick. I didn’t want you to think I forgot about Valentine’s Day. I wanted to call you to make sure you know how much I love you.”

  A collective, “Ahhhhhhh,” sounded in the background, confirming Kill was onstage.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, Faith," the band screamed. I screamed back, telling them how much I loved them.

  “Alright, everyone, I need a favor. When I count to three, I want you to scream, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day, Faith... One, two, three...”

  The speakers exploded with the well-wishes from the crowd, and everyone at Ray’s broke into applause. I motioned with my hand at the light crowd to respond back with as much enthusiasm as they could.

  My feet seemed to float off the floor the rest of the night. Right before I climbed into my car, a smile still plastered on my face, Catcher handed me a grocery-sized paper bag.

  “What’s this?” I asked, inhaling the familiar scent of Chinese food.

  “Kill asked me to do him a favor since he couldn’t. Don’t open it until you get home.”

  I kissed Catcher on the cheek, making the big teddy bear blush. I texted Kill to let him know I got his present, and I loved it already, even though I hadn’t opened it yet.

  I spotted Ryan and Jessie walking to their cars under the watchful eye of Catcher.

  “Hey, what are you girls doing tonight?”

  They both shrugged.

  “Come over to have dinner and dessert with me. We can watch girly movies together.”

  “I’ll come over, but I want something with eye candy-no chick flicks,” Ryan replied.

  “Agreed,” Jessie said.

  “Fine, fuddy duddies.”

  We ended up watching Crazy Stupid Love, man candy check. Ryan left after the movie, mad that we tricked her into watching a chick-flick. Jessie had a couple of glasses of wine, so she crashed in Van’s room, giving me a glimmer of hope for them.

  When I was alone, I opened the other box I’d discovered at the bottom of the food bag. A picture of Kill holding a teddy bear, which bore a heart that said ‘Love,’ was the first thing I saw. Under the picture, I pulled that same teddy bear out. There was a box wedged under the heart the bear was holding.

  I unlatched the necklace I hadn't removed since Kill had given it to me on Christmas and slid my new charm, a high heel encrusted with tiny rubies, into place before securing it back around my neck. Clutching my phone to my chest, I waited in bed for Kill to finish his obligations after the show. My phone rang just before I was fully asleep.

  “Hey, Killer,” I answered, groggily. My desire to talk to him began to override Mr. Sandman.

  “Hey, Slick,” he answered back. His voice was full of fatigue. With all the new venues added to the tour, the adrenaline from performing seemed to be wearing them all down.

  “Did you like your presents?” he asked. His voice was hushed, but I heard the smile in it.

  “I loved them. I can’t believe you called me while you were onstage. That was the best present you could have given me, though I love my teddy bear, my picture, and the charm. I feel bad I didn’t get you anything,” I replied, a thought beginning to form.

  “You're all I need. But if you're feeling guilty, you can always make it up to me when I get home.”

  I put him on speaker and slipped off my shirt. I took a selfie while holding one of my naked breasts and smiling into the camera, pressing send before I lost the courage. I heard his phone click alerting him of a new message. He didn’t stop talking to me to check it as I’d hoped he would do.

  “You’d better check that. It might be something important.”

  “Nothing is as important as you.”

  I rolled my eyes. Why were boys so oblivious sometimes? “I don’t know. It sounded really important.”

  A loud bang sounded at the other end, and Kill cursed under his breath.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, wondering what the hell was happening.

  “You should’ve warned me. I just hit my head on the top of my rack.”

  “Sorry; I wish I was there to make it all better,” I said, trying to stifle my laugh.

  “I wish you were here too. Especially since I'm rock-hard now.” His voice was raw with desire.

  “I would kiss that too.”

  “I can picture your mouth wrapped around me. Fuck, I want you so bad,” he growled quietly into the phone.

  The sound of his voice sent tiny shock waves to my center. I ran my hands down my naked chest and slipped them under my panties. I was already wet and swollen with desire.

  “I wish you were here too. Then you could replace my fingers with your cock.”

  “Are you touching yourself?” His voice was strained, and I imagined him stroking himself. The thought of his hand wrapped around his hard cock while he jerked himself off made desire rush through me.

  “Just for you,” I gasped. My body was already strung tight, ready for a release.

  “Slide a finger inside of you and picture me.”

  I followed his order and cried out softly, remembering Jessie was in the other room.

  “That’s it. I'm close. I want you to come for me.”

  His words threw me into a powerful orgasm. I bit my bottom lip so I wouldn't wake Jessie. I heard Kill shudder a quiet release on the other end, so he wouldn’t wake up the others on the bus with our nocturnal escapades.

  “I wanted to hear you scream. Why did you hold back?”

  “Ryan and Jessie came over and shared my Valentine’s dinner with me. Jessie stayed the night in Van’s room. She had a couple glasses of wine, and I didn’t want to wake her,” I answered.

  We talked for a little longer and ended up falling asleep with the phone line still open. I woke up later to use the restroom and saw the timer on the call still ticking. Kill’s slumbered breathing was on the other end. I listened to it a little longer before whispering that I loved him and hung up.

  CHAPTER 27

  I became absorbed in my writing, taking Kill’s advice to just write and not care about my grade. When he asked about my story, I would evade him, not wanting to reveal the fact I was documenting my life with Jason.

  Excitement rushed through me when I received my reviews from the pages I’d turned in. My professor's neat handwriting scrolled across the back explaining she was genuinely excited to see Hope’s life unfold.

  The more I delved into the story, the more I felt like this was what I was meant to do. With the amount of detail I used, I knew my word count when I finished was going to be astronomical, but I didn’t care. This was mine, and I made up the rules.

  Later in the week, I felt mentally exhausted from the words I’d embedded on
my screen. I fell asleep the instant my computer shut off. My phone rang somewhere in my room, dragging me out of a dreamless sleep. I smacked my hand around the bed until my fingers made contact.

  I squinted at the screen, the harsh light revealing Kill's name. "Hello."

  "Hey, Slick. Did I wake you?" Kill asked with giddy exuberance.

  I blinked at the darkened ceiling, trying to wake myself up. "Yeah, I was tired. What's up?"

  "I need you to do me a favor."

  "Okay." My body hummed. The low timbre of Kill's voice in my shadowed room woke me further as desire unfurled in my stomach.

  "I sent you something today. The delivery guy forgot to drop it off." Kill's voice held a hint of anger, making my heated skin cool.

  "Do I need to go and pick it up tomorrow?"

  "No. I got ahold of his supervisor, and they promised it would be dropped off on the doorstep. I need you to go downstairs and make sure they left it."

  "Right now?" I asked, already mourning the loss of heat from my blankets.

  "Please, if it's not there, I need to call them and chew their asses out."

  "Alright, alright, keep your panties on." I stumbled out of bed, the phone still pressed to my ear as I went downstairs. "So, what is it?"

  "It’s something you're going to love."

  I turned the knob and dropped my phone when I saw Kill standing in front of me with his phone to his ear. He reached down and picked mine up as I stared at him, too stunned to think. When he straightened, I launched myself at him. He caught me easily, as I kicked the door shut before locking my legs around his waist.

  "Surprise," he whispered as we devoured each other.

  Our tongues clashed, reuniting in a blissful dance. Kill slammed me against the wall, and I moaned when I felt his erection press against me. My head fell back when he pushed himself further into my needy center. He took full advantage of my exposed neck, kissing and sucking on the sensitive flesh.

  We made it to the couch in a tangled mess of limbs and half-removed clothing. I pulled Kill's t-shirt up to rip it off. When I saw the skin I uncovered, I deserted my task and licked, sucked, and nipped at his uncovered chest. He groaned as he finished my earlier project and threw his shirt across the room.