Surviving Faith (The JackholeS, #2)

by Joy Eileen

  Kill lifted up my shirt just enough to expose my sports bra, and he yanked it up, uncovering my breasts. He growled his appreciation before lowering his head to feast on them. I cried out when he sucked on my aching nipple and arched into him, pushing us together. With my nipple still encased in his mouth, he unbuttoned his pants, pushing them down just enough to free himself. I pushed up into him again, needing him more with every desperate breath I took. He didn't make me wait long as he pulled my panties over to the side and slid into me.

  As soon as he entered me, our need for each other heightened. I clawed at his back as he thrust, suctioning his mouth to mine. I met his hips with each thrust as we collided together in a bruising force, not wanting to be separated from each other, but not wanting to lose the friction. My orgasm washed over me, taking Kill with it.

  "Fuck, I missed you," Kill panted, pressing his forehead to mine.

  "Best surprise ever!"

  Kill let out a deep belly laugh and jumped off me, pulling me off the couch. My shirt fell back down, covering me slightly. His eyes lit up.

  "You are fucking sexy in my shirt."

  "It smells like you," I admitted, inhaling him deeply.

  "Ahhh, shit." He crashed his lips to mine, and I wrapped my legs around him as he bounded up the stairs.

  When we fell onto the bed, he kissed me between words.

  "As much as I love you in my clothes, I need you naked."

  I threw off his shirt and pulled him tight against me, but he pushed off my burning flesh.

  "Wait I need to see you."

  Kill sat back on his knees and studied my naked skin. Goosebumps broke out as his eyes caressed me.

  "I fucking love you," he said before standing up and pulling off his clothes.

  When I saw him in all his naked sexy glory, I murmured in appreciation, "I fucking love you."

  He jumped on me, and our actions became frenzied once again. When we were spent, I lay on Kill's chest.

  "How long do you get to stay?"

  "I have to leave early in the morning."

  "I miss you."

  "I miss you too."

  "I'm glad you came, though."

  "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

  We both drifted off to sleep wrapped around each other. Later, Kill woke me up and we made love, touching each other no longer in the frantic state we were before. We reconnected memorizing every inch of our bodies while together.

  In the morning, I woke up to an empty bed. My thoughts were bittersweet as I relived every touch. On my nightstand was a brownie and a note.

  I miss you already.

  I will be home soon.

  Love you,

  Your Killer.

  Tears fell on the note, but I quickly brushed them away and unwrapped the brownie instead.

  After getting out of the shower, I opened my laptop, wanting to do something productive instead of moping around.

  Depression struck me hard as I delved into my former relationship where I’d changed Jason's name to Eric. I had to curb myself to writing only on the days I could stay in bed. Working or trying to do anything productive while writing about my past was close to impossible.

  The nights I wrote, I avoided Kill. Too much of an wreck to talk to him, I was afraid he would do something foolish if he realized how emotional I was.

  Jason's letters showed up more often. I didn’t open them, throwing them all into the box with the rest. Trent pushed me to read them, but I didn't want Jason's taunts to interfere with my writing. I secretly wondered if by not reading the letters Trent felt he wasn't needed. During our weekly coffee dates, I realized how dependent his knowledge about the letters had made me toward him.

  Even though Kill was busy with the tour, he noticed me pulling away. I gave him the same excuse I’d given Ryan and Jessie, explaining I wanted to write something meaningful. He was reluctant, but as an artist, he seemed to understand.

  As horrible as I felt, I couldn't stop myself from pulling away from Kill as I relived my past. I was facing my mistakes and putting them out there for all to see-or at least my English professor to read and judge. To admit the many times I’d been hurt and stayed was emotionally draining. I lost enough weight that Ryan and Jessie started coming over once a week to stuff me with food.

  My dad worried about me as well, but I explained I was just trying to finish out my college career strong. I assumed Kill had called him to discuss my behavior. Martha even threatened to fly down to check on me. I assured everyone I was fine and just needed to focus on school.

  I went shopping with Jessie and running with Ryan to appease them. The whole time I was out, my thoughts were consumed with my story. I’d convinced myself that if I finished writing every horrific thing down, it would no longer be locked inside me.

  My teacher requested I meet with her at my convenience, but I blew her off, too scared to talk to the only person who’d read my life story. Even though it was under fictional characters' names, it would have been too much to have to discuss the inspiration behind the plot.

  Two weeks before the semester came to an end, I ended Hope's journey. The last scene I typed was Hope's escape from Eric. I described the fear and relief she felt when she walked into the police station to obtain a restraining order. I left the story with Hope sitting in front of a dingy dive bar. She was terrified but eager to start her new life as she reached for her car’s door handle.

  A faint smile lifted my lips as I pictured myself bundled in my hoodie and walking into Ray's. There had been so much uncertainty in me at that moment.

  When I turned in my final chapter, I wrote a note thanking my teacher for giving me the assignment I’d resented in the beginning.

  She e-mailed asking if she could meet me to talk about my book. I responded explaining I wasn’t really comfortable doing so and thanked her once again. She threw me for a loop when she asked if she could have one of her peers read my assignment.

  It took me two days to reply. In the end, I gave her permission to share my work. Slowly, I crawled out of the depression I’d sunk into while writing.

  My smiles formed faster now that my mind wasn't occupied by my past. I stopped ignoring Kill, since I was no longer emotionally draining myself on my days off. He confessed to me the boys had stopped him on many occasions from booking a flight to come check on me.

  I was on cloud nine, and the boys were going to be home in a couple of days. We’d made it through his first tour with only minor bumps and bruises.

  My phone rang as I lounged on the couch after making the house spotless for the boys' arrival the next day.

  “Hello.” I was thinking what a fabulous idea a nap sounded like.

  “Faith.”

  Dread filled me. Kill’s use of my first name had me bracing for the worst.

  “What’s wrong?” My voice was barely a whisper. Fear and worry took over my emotional driver’s seat.

  “Well, we were just given a record deal. They want to sign us.” His voice was cold and menacing when he announced what should have been the greatest news of his life.

  My heart had plummeted into my stomach. “That’s fantastic news. I'm so proud of you guys. I knew you were going to make it,” I exclaimed, trying to sound enthusiastic.

  “Oh, is it? That’s funny, because we're going to decline it.” He was pissed. I could practically hear his jaw clenching in anger.

  “What? Why?”

  “Because, Faith, Jason’s dad’s advertising firm was listed on the paperwork. In fact, his firm was the one that insured we were on this tour in the first place. Care to explain?” His voice was deadly calm. Every word he spoke felt as if he was ripping our happily ever after away from me. I closed my eyes as tears coursed down my cheeks.

  “He’d heard of you and thought the JackholeS would be a good investment. Please, Kill, you have to take the offer. You deserve this chance. You can’t just throw it away.”

  “Fuck that. I don’t want anything to do with hi
m. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you. As a band, we decided we weren’t going through with it. D's made a lot of connections. This won't be our only offer. I'm angry you didn’t tell me.”

  I clutched at my stomach, as pain coursed through me. They were giving up their dream to protect me. Before the words left my mouth, I hated them. I thought back to all the support the boys had given me, and I remembered the vow I’d made in the garage while listening to them practice. I’d do anything to help them make their dreams come true.

  “I won’t be here when you get back, Kill.” My voice coming out strong while my hands shook.

  “What the hell does that mean?” He sounded panicked.

  I forced myself to keep going. “I won’t be here when you get back. I moved out. Jason came and talked to me while you were gone, and he asked me for another chance. I agreed.” I’d said the one thing that would keep Kill away for good.

  He would never pursue me after I’d agreed to go back to Jason. I refused to let him destroy the JackholeS’ opportunity at stardom. They’d been through so much, and I couldn't hurt them.

  “NO. You are fucking lying. I know what you're doing. Stop it right now,” he screamed into the phone.

  I flinched at the pain in his voice. I absolutely hated what I was doing to him, even if it was for the best. “Please, go back and sign the contract. Or at least stay there and wait for the next one. Go live your life and be the amazing rockstar I know you're meant to be.”

  I hung up as Kill yelled at me to stop the bullshit. My phone rang as soon as I clicked end. I turned it off as I went upstairs, letting out a delirious laugh as I stuffed my clothes in a garbage bag. My life had went full circle. The Deja-vu hit me at full force when I threw all of my belongings into my car.

  I ran upstairs for a final check. I stripped off Kill's shirt I had been wearing and threw it on the bed before pulling on my hoodie.

  My hands trembled, taking me numerous tries to unhook my necklace. I hooked it together after I strung my ring on the chain, and placed it on the night stand. I stared at the two pieces of jewelry, representing the love I had just thrown away.

  I put my ringless hand over my mouth to help stifle the sobs as they shook me to the core. My knees went weak, but I refused to let myself fall to the ground. If I did I knew I wouldn't be able to get up.

  This was my choice. The boys deserved this chance, and I was going to have to live with my decision. Once Kill realized I was gone he would be able to take the deal without feeling any remorse. I had ruined their opportunity on Thanksgiving, it wasn't going to happen again. I’d always assumed it would be Kill who would move on first, ending our relationship. Funny how life never turned out the way you planned.

  CHAPTER 28

  I was numb by the time I parked in front of Jessie’s apartment building. Savoring the detachment, I latched onto it like I was drowning and it was the only thing keeping me afloat.

  When Jessie opened the door and saw my face, her face took on a look of concern. I must have looked as terrible as I felt. She pulled me into the house and hugged me tightly. The dam I’d held my emotions behind wanted to crack, but I refused to allow it to break. I plugged my emotions up and let the numbness wash over me once again.

  “What’s wrong, Faith?” she asked, sitting me down on the couch. Fear was evident in her face. “Is everyone okay? Your dad?”

  “Everyone's fine,” I said, feeling bad I’d scared her.

  Thankfully, her reaction put things into perspective. Everyone I loved was healthy. This wasn't that bad.

  “What is it?” Relief washed over her temporarily.

  “I broke up with Kill.” My face was still tear-free, and I wondered if I had blocked up my tear ducts permanently.

  “What happened?”

  “They were offered a record deal.”

  Her mouth popped open, but she didn’t say anything as she absorbed the news. I told her almost everything, except my deal with Jason's dad.

  When I explained to her that Kill refused to sign, because he didn’t want to be associated with Jason's dad or his company, Jessie smiled. When I revealed the lie I’d told him to stop him from sabotaging his dream, her smile disappeared.

  Her eyes narrowed and her face contorted in anger. “I can’t believe you did that,” she spat out. She dropped my hand and paced the living-room floor, refusing to look at me.

  “I couldn’t let them give up their dream. I had to tell him something that would keep him away.”

  She scoffed at me. “Well, you certainly did that, but did you think about the fact that you’ll keep them all away?” She glared at me. “You knew I didn’t want a relationship with Van because of the possibility of him being signed.”

  I stared at her in confusion, wondering what Van had to do with this.

  “You pushed Kill away. Now, they're going to sign on and go on tour, or at least find another company to sponsor them, when they were one day from coming home. ONE DAY,” she screamed.

  Her meaning finally dawned on me. She was mad I’d forced Kill and the boys to go after their dreams, instead of coming back to Portland. “How can you be so selfish?” I rose from the couch, needing to get away from her before I did something we would both regret.

  “Me? You knew I loved him. I told you my story, but you pushed him away. Did you even think of anyone but yourself? Ever since you two got together, it has been the Kill and Faith show. There are other people with ties to the band besides you two.”

  “I'm out of here.” I walked to the door and slammed it on the way out.

  I put my raging emotions behind the dam and hoped it was strong enough to hold everything back. Numbness seemed to be the only thing that was going to get me through this. I sat in my car for a long time, wondering where I could go.

  I decided going to Ray’s and putting in my resignation should be first. There was still a possibility Kill wouldn't take the offer, and he’d come back instead of finding another company to work with. I couldn’t stay in Portland any longer than necessary. After graduation, I would drive home and stay with my dad and Martha until I could get back on my feet. I sighed deeply, relieved I had plan.

  Sadness enveloped me when I walked into Ray's for the last time. I would miss working there.

  “Hey, chickie? What are you doing here so early?” Ryan asked when she saw me. When she got a good look, she stopped what she was doing and came over. “What’s wrong?” she asked, handing me a bottle of water.

  I didn’t open it, holding onto it for dear life. “Is Ray here?” I asked, wanting to resign and get the hell out of there before I started crying.

  “No, he had to go home and get an order form he forgot.” Her face was etched with concern as her eyes roamed my face.

  “When will he be back?” I asked, upset I’d run into yet another road block.

  “Faith, please, tell me what's wrong.”

  “I need to turn in my resignation.” My voice was thick when I answered, but at least it was coherent.

  “What? Why? Tell me what happened.”

  “I can’t,” I said, but then figured Jessie would most likely tell her. I gave her the abridged version, adding Jessie’s reaction at the end.

  “Please, don’t yell at me," I pleaded with her. "It was the best thing for them. He can’t just make a decision like that and ruin their chance at the deal of a lifetime because of me. If it was just Kill’s life, maybe I would be more open to the idea, but there are three other people to consider.”

  Ryan shook her head with a sad look on her face.

  “Never mind. I’ll just call Ray later.” I got up to leave, not wanting to discuss the matter any further.

  “Wait, Faith. I get why you did it. It sucks you had to do it that way, but I understand. But he's an idiot if he believed you.”

  I threw my arms around her, hugging her forcefully. “He called me a liar. I hung up on him before he could get the truth out of me. He mentioned D making a lot of contacts while they we
re touring. I'm hoping he will go to one of them and get signed. They are so close to making it. They have a better chance there than if they came back."

  "Come on; let’s get you settled in,” she said grabbing her purse from behind the bar.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You're going to stay with me, no argument. And don’t worry about quitting.” She locked the door and headed for her car.

  “I can’t work here anymore, Ryan,” I replied, a touch of hysteria in my voice.

  “I know, but we kind of already had a contingency plan in place,” Ryan explained, refusing to look me in the eyes.

  “What does that mean?” I stood in front of her so she had to look at me.

  “Okay, don’t get mad... Kill called Ray a couple of months ago and told him he needed to start looking for a new waitress, because when he got back, you weren’t going to be working any longer. We started training two new girls on the early shift so they’d be ready to take over your shift."

  “I can’t believe he did that,” I cried, wanting to be upset he’d practically quit my job for me, but unable to stop my heart from melting.

  “Think about it, Faith. You're going to graduate soon with some fancy damned degrees, if I might say. It was inevitable that you’d move on to bigger and better things. Now, stop thinking so much and get in your car so we can move you into your room...and I can get back here and finish what I need to do.”

  I nodded my head and followed her to her house. Ryan had a tiny two-bedroom four miles from the bar. It was very clean and extremely sparse. The only personality to be found was in the bright red couch with a blue rug in front of it on the floor. The TV was placed in an entertainment center, but nothing decorated the cabinets on either side.

  "Did you just move in?"

  Ryan glanced over at me as she rifled through a drawer in the kitchen for a spare key. "No, I've lived her four years. Didn't I tell you that at Halloween?"

  I took the key as I tried to hide my confusion. I wanted to ask her about the lack of personality in her house, but Ryan was a private person and I didn't want to pry.