An Innocent Wife

by Richa Resa

  ***

  Two days later…

  “Are you sure about this? I…mean doing it all alone?” Nora asked as we reached Joshua’s house. I gave her a weak smile and nodded. She looked glum about it. I sighed.

  “I want to do this, Nora. I just want it to be me, to end Joshua and me,” I said, giving her a courageous smile.

  “What if he comes back?” she raised her concern. “Will you be able to handle him or that situation?” She wasn’t happy with my idea of doing this alone.

  “Don’t worry about that. Alex told me he has gone…somewhere. I don’t know where. But he won’t be here, and I will be gone…before he comes back,” I said with pauses. Nodding her head, Nora dropped me off there.

  “Call me when you’re done, okay? I’ll come with Clarisse to pick up your things,” she ordered, and with that went on her way hesitantly. I looked towards the house, remembering how it looked. Opening up the door, I entered and looked around. I could see the flashes of good and bad memories both. I walked my way upstairs while looking at all the photos framed on the wall. This was the last time I’d be seeing them like this.

  I don’t want any reminder of you in my life. His words echoed in my ears. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I stood strong because I knew this was what he wanted and what was good for me. I didn’t let myself wander to thoughts of where he might be because I promised not to shed any more tears for him, and I wished to keep that promise.

  Walking upstairs to my room, I looked at it. Exactly as I saw it last time. However, my last written words were nowhere to be found. I sat there on my bed and let all the good and bad memories consume me. I laughed at some good ones, but I didn’t let a tear escape on remembering the painful memories of our fight and Anne. I breathed in the air of this house, trying to capture it all. I walked all around the house, room to room, remembering every detail of this house. There were two rooms left that I hadn’t gone into. I left them for the last. Elle’s nursery and Joshua’s room, which I was sure could make me cry, but I knew I needed to be strong. Strong enough to do what I came for.

  Grabbing up some boxes from the store room, I made my way to my room, which was once mine and Joshua’s. I put all my towels, my cosmetics, even all those gifts that he gave me in the boxes. I didn’t know whether I would look at them anymore or not. Taking out a jewelry box from the cupboard, I put every piece of jewelry I had in it. As I was going to close that box, I dropped the last item that had me joined me with Joshua. My wedding band and engagement ring lay there on the top inside the box. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I remembered the day he proposed and the day of our wedding. Before a tear could roll down my cheek, I closed it off in urgency, burying this memory inside this box.

  Step by step, I put all my belongings in boxes and my suitcase. I found all my photos and packed them up. I even went to the extent to take away all the photos I was in all through the house. There were some that I cut down and replaced, making them look like they were perfect, like they belonged there in the frame without me. It was a hard journey to cope with this pain.

  Three hours passed with all the packing, and I called Nora, telling her to be here. She told me she would be there in half an hour.

  This was the most difficult time for me now. It was the time I dreaded the most. I stood outside his door and let the noises from the night Anne was here flow in my mind. They were still fresh. I opened the door and looked at the bed as the images of Anne and him being intimate formed in my mind. I should have looked away but I didn’t. I stared at the bed and let myself suffer for the last time. This gave me courage to move on. As I looked around, this room didn’t remind me of anything I had done in here. Now I understand why he could always stay in here. This was his haven away from me. I looked for the very last time in his safe haven and closed the door. Even if it hurt me like a bitch, I didn’t cry for him.

  I let my legs lead me to the last room that I had left untouched for months. Entering, all I could see was pink walls. Her pink blanket folded in the corner. Her toys set beautifully on the table. Her small bed. There were photos of her smiling face all around. It broke me down to know what I had lost. Lost her with her unborn sibling. It hurt me to know that she was gone more than anyone. I walked inside the room toward the table, where a photo of her and Joshua sat. That was her second birthday, the best day, and a memorable one. We had played a lot with her. I remember Joshua trying his best to make her say “dada” all the time, and I laughed at these tries of his. I took out the necklace that Joshua gave me from my pocket and hung it on that frame. It was meant for the person he loved. It didn’t belong to me. It was hers to begin with. The doorbell rang, making me walk out of this memory lane. I walked out of there, looking at her room for the very last time. Nora and Clarisse came just in time. They loaded all my boxes and cases in the car while I took a last check of the whole house, making it seem like I was never there to begin with.

  “Eunice, we’re done,” Clarisse said from downstairs as I stood outside my room. Nodding to her, I made my way out of the house, touching everything that came in reach. As I stood at the entrance of the house, I let a tear roll down—not because of him, but because I was leaving this place, because I was going away. With shaky hands, I closed the door and locked the house. This was it—the end of me and him. I leaned my forehead against the door, letting all the memories of this place stay behind right then and there.

  “Goodbye…” I whispered to the house and all the memories it held. Making my way to the car where Nora and Clarisse stood, I let them embrace me in a hug. A few minutes later I got inside in the car and let Nora drive me away from this house that once was my home. I didn’t look back.

  Chapter 12

  Joshua

  A week later…

  “What do you think about yourself, Joshua?” the doctor asked as I sat in front of him on a chair. It had been a week since I arrived at this facility for help. I had asked for a psychiatrist and they had sent me here. I was isolated from the world. Left all alone with my thoughts, my guilt, my pain, my misery, and my foolishness. I made one call before coming here, and it was to none other than Alex, the man who had told me many times that I had turned blind. I still remember his words echoing through my mind.

  You are fucking sorry, Joshua. You were so fucking blind that you didn’t see her. She had always been right there with you, right there beside you taking all of your fucking shit! All of your torture, and you never fucking cared for her. She was there to hold you when you were falling apart, and what did you do? Treated her like shit. She was with you through it all, loving you, caring for you while you never cared for her. You never fucking loved her, ever, you bastard! You never did and now you fucking realize your mistake. Now! When she is probably gone! I don’t fucking know what to do with you. You deserve to be there, Joshua. You need to get that sick mind of yours treated and I only pray that when you get back you realize how much you have lost by doing what you did. I am your friend, Joshua, and you know the only fucking reason I am still your friend is her. If it wasn’t for her, I can assure you that I would have fucking ended this friendship that very day when you started whoring around. So do me a favor and just remember how much she did for you when all you did was…hurt her and…kill her.

  He ended the call after these words and they hit me. Even when I was creating havoc in her life, she was trying to keep mine stable.

  “That I was blind, blinded by some disturbing lies. I hurt the one person who stuck with me in my worst time. I did nothing but kill her from the inside and I enjoyed it. I…loved the pain she suffered, the tears she shed, and her painful cries.” I closed my eyes and let the memories of her pain rip my heart apart. Her sobs, her tears, and her cries were never meant to be there, but I gave them to her. I made her life a living nightmare. I was the hell raiser in her life. These thoughts tore me apart brutally and the pain was insufferable. It was more than I had ever suffered, this pain of my heart ripping me into pieces. I
felt like I was dying a thousand deaths. Involuntary tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I could only think that they were nothing compared to hers.

  “I played the role of a sadist in her life. Forced her to the edge…where she couldn’t take it anymore. Accused her…accused her of horrible things that broke her. Humiliated her for them. Punished her for nothing. Only now when I think about all of this, I know what I really am,” I said with a painful chuckle.

  “What is that, Joshua?” the doctor asked.

  I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. “A monster—that’s what I really am. A killer, a murderer, and a horrible husband. A disgusting human being…” I said with a sigh.

  I didn’t want to look at the doctor and see the sympathy and pity in his eyes for me. He said that my mind had forced me to believe those things. It happens at times after a trauma, and Elle’s death was a trauma to me. My mind led me to believe a lie, wander to some lost thought that Lily’s mother had put in me, and let it grow in my mind like a virus. I let those thoughts overshadow the reality that was right in front of me. My mind believed the lie. It’s like when you repeat a lie so often that you start to believe it. That’s what happened with me. As much as they say I can’t fully blame myself for it, I do. I do believe that all I had done was my fault, I had to be fully blamed for forcing Eunice to take her life and for everything else. I was ashamed to look at myself, scared to look in my own eyes. I tried to avoid my own reflection anywhere—like it was a plague. I gave up my phone and every electronic device I had before coming here. It wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone to contact me, but I feared I would call her. I was scared to call her and breakdown from her voice. Calling her would mean inflicting pain on her by talking to me, by making her remember a disgusting monster like me. I didn’t want any more of that for her. I didn’t want her to be in pain because of me. I didn’t deserve her and I never could.

  “Joshua, you need to stop with these thoughts. You’ve been here for a week, and you’ve been thinking such self-destructive thoughts. I know you feel ashamed of yourself, but you can’t let yourself be sucked down in the depths of depression and sadness. You made a mistake. Your mind played a game with you and it won. It also made the life of someone you loved miserable. Your mind made you go to extremes and give pain to the one person you loved the most. It’s just a shame that it happened. It’s bad fate that Elle and your unborn child died, but everything you did with Eunice happened because of the choices you made in your life. You are to be blamed for it because of the way you behaved. You have to own up to your mistakes. I know you want to grieve the loss of your children and your wife from your life. But you need to cope with it too. She did, didn’t she? She was there for you, so why don’t you repay her the favor by just staying strong so you could apologize for the mistakes and the suffering you have caused her?” he said, trying to console me. But how could I stop hating myself? They say I shouldn’t hate myself this much, but I cannot really help how I feel. I hate myself enough to kill myself, but that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Killing myself would be that easy and less torturous. Killing myself would be nothing compared to what Eunice has gone through, and I want that for me. I want to let myself burn in the pit of this agonizing, heart-wrenching pain. I deserved every bit of it and more. Burn in that same pain that Eunice did—pain ten times what she suffered—because I deserved it.

  “We are going to discharge you today, Mr. Morris. You will be coming to see us twice a week as scheduled and we will check your progress. Just don’t do anything harmful to yourself. You’re going through a stage where you don’t like yourself much, but we are going to help you pass this phase for your loved ones,” he said to me.

  His words made me want to laugh. Loved ones? I don’t have any loved ones left. I don’t have her anymore, that person who always put me before herself. Who would still cook for me when I came home after being in the arms of another woman, still be there when I didn’t give her a glance, fully ignored her, and most of all, made her cry because of my actions. She was gone, and with her, so was my whole life. She had been the center of my world all the time, even when my mind made me believe a lie and let it grow to the point where harming her had become my need. Now without her, my life was nothing. It was empty like before. Only this time, nothing can fill it up. Nothing but her love, except I lost that. Lost every bit of it—forever.

  I promise to love you forever and ever, Eunice. Whatever happens, I won’t ever hurt you, I will try my best to not even let a lone tear escape your eyes. If it does, I will be there to wipe it away and make you smile. From this day onward I promise to be with you forever, to have eyes for you only—even when we are old and wrinkly, to love you always in any circumstances even when you annoy and frustrate me. I promise to never ever let you go. I will be there in every part of your life at all times and promise to be with you until death. Only death will tear us apart. I promise you that on my life, which is now all yours.

  Those were my vows to her, the vows I couldn’t keep. I shattered those vows when I became a monster. She was my wife, the loving mother of my kids, and I let her down by hurting her. I let down my marriage, and only now did I realize that.

  “We have called your friend, and he has agreed to pick you up. He’ll be here in two hours, which gives you enough time to clean up and go through the discharge papers, Mr. Morris. However, I would like to give you homework—or more like a question to think about,” he said, gaining my attention.

  “I want you to think about who you would have blamed if your wife Eunice had died in that accident. I want you to think on it in two different ways—where both Elle and she die, and where only she dies. In both cases, who would you have blamed and why? I would like to know your opinion on this at our next meeting. Have a nice day.” After saying that, he packed his things and left me alone with my thoughts. His question made my mind drift to that night.

  You don’t want to see the reality that is in front of you, so I won’t fucking anymore ask you to. Just answer my one question, Joshua, that is what I ask from you. Tell me Joshua, who would you have blamed if on that day I would have died with our child and Elle would have survived? What would you have thought then, huh?

  Those words of hers wandered around my mind, taunting me. She asked me this. She asked me this with those teary, sorrow-filled eyes. My answer that night made me realize what a monster I was. I had torn her with those words, killed her from the inside and forced her to leave this world and her loved ones—among which I was no longer counted.

  I want to get rid of you, not only from me, but also from this earth.

  Good riddance to a horrible bitch like you.

  I want a filthy woman like you out of my life forever.

  Just get the hell away from me, you bitch!

  Get the hell away from me! Get out of my sight!

  I called her awful things, asked her to go and kill herself. I was the one who said that. All those words I barked at her came back, biting me. I had become a person who could hurt the one who loved me most—hurt her in the worst way. Only now I knew that my answer wouldn’t have been the same like that night. I would have done everything in my power to change the past. I would have done it, but I wasn’t God. God. I chuckled sadly when I thought about this word. Why did He have to make my life so messed up? Why were Eunice and I given such horrible fates? Was it something I did wrong that made him punish me like this? By punishing someone I loved the most, and that by my own hands?

  I looked over at the clock and realized I needed to get ready to leave, though the thought of staying here was more alluring. But I wanted to be near my own home. A place filled with the memories of someone who loved me, that was my home.

  With that in my mind, I forced myself to get up and get cleaned. If I ever gained the guts to call her, my first words to her would be sorry. Sorry for wasting her time, sorry for making all her love be in vain. If I saw her, I would surrender my mind and soul to her for eternity, and even if sh
e threw it away I wouldn’t care, because after what I did, I could never deserve her. So I wanted to embrace all the memories of Eunice in my home. I didn’t expect Eunice to be there, but being with her things and scent, I wanted to cherish every memory that contained her in that home of mine. A home that she made for me…a home I couldn’t think of existing there without her…ever…

  I don’t know why, but I was eager to leave. For the first time in the past six months I wanted to go home—not just to a house that I bought—but a home. I wanted to remember each of the happy memories I had with Eunice and Elle. I wanted to feel her love in everything that existed in our photographs. How her eyes sparkled with happiness. How her laugh would bring me down to my knees. I wanted her things near me to keep my mind from going insane. I needed her scent in the air to keep my sins out of my mind because I knew the moment I remembered those teary eyes, I would lose myself. I would lose myself in this storm of guilt and pain inside of me, and I would cross the line of this life and die. I didn’t want that—ever. It would be too easy to get rid of my burden.

  “Let’s go,” Alex said as soon as he passed me after signing the last of my discharge papers. He had come right on time and hadn’t given me a glance for more than five seconds. He had ignored me, and now I understood his value in my life. Standing up from my chair, I followed him to his car. How many times had he told me to stop? How many times had he tried to clear my clouded vision that had been distorted by lies and hatred? How many times had he tried to knock sense into me? Meanwhile, all I had done was ignore him, and only now I knew what it felt like to be ignored. Without a single word, he got inside the car and started the engine. He waited for me to get into the car, ignoring me. The silence killed me, ate me away. An uncomfortable silence fell between us.