An Innocent Wife

by Richa Resa

  Was this how Eunice felt when I ignored her? How could silence hurt this much, cutting into the heart and bringing such intense pain? I wanted to know what was going on in other people’s minds. I couldn’t even bear it for a few minutes, but Eunice did it for six months. Those six months filled with this deep, cutting silence, and she bore it. Did she feel the urge to see into my mind? Why didn’t she leave me? Why did she stay? For what, a cheating bastard and a monster like me? There was an itch inside me to ask about her. A desperation to know how she was, how she was doing. I was desperate to know something about her. They had told me she made it, but I wanted to know how she felt. Without her I was lost. I wasn’t whole, and only now I came to realize it. All I could do was repent my mistakes, look at them, and laugh at myself, realizing what a sick bastard I am. The images of Eunice’s pale tear-stained face and her lips flashed through my eyes, turning that desperation to know about her into a basic need.

  “How…is…Eunice?” I asked hesitantly as my heartbeat increased. The mere image of her like that made me needy, made me fall to my knees and yearn to die a thousand deaths.

  “Now you care,” Alex said, his voice filled with sarcasm and anger. He had every right to be angry with me and keep any news about her to himself. He had no need to tell me. Any time before, I wouldn’t have cared, but at the moment I was desperate. For the past week, I had been desperate for news of her from someone—anyone. So desperate that I would have begged them. I would beg Alex to tell me something. Get on my knees and beg him to tell me something, anything. Before I could do that, he broke my train of thoughts.

  “She is alive and as well as expected. She is strong. She survived those six months with a bastard like you, so I think she can do this. She has her family and friends with her to support her, to hold her if she falls. Something that used to be your job.” His voice was laced with distaste. He hated me, and the worst part was that I hated myself more than anyone.

  I looked outside in shame. Before I could stop myself, tears prickled the corners of my eyes. Alex’s words hurt me. He was right. It was my duty, my job, to hold her, to calm her and to catch her if she fell. It was a shame on me that I couldn’t be there. I didn’t have the guts to look her straight in the eyes. I was ashamed of being here. Ashamed of who I was to her for the past six months.

  Before I knew it, we had reached my home. I looked at it, and in a rush all the memories from that day came back, hitting me hard. This home of mine was tainted by me and my sick acts. All I could pray was that the happy memories with Eunice could outweigh the bad ones, that those memories inside this home could make it bearable to survive, to hold on to something.

  Alex parked the car and got out of it in a rush. It felt like he couldn’t stay with me, like he loathed my presence, that it wasn’t bearable for him to be with me. Just like Eunice’s presence had once affected you. My thoughts taunted me. I followed him out of the car as he stood outside my door. I was taking out my keys when he himself opened the door with a pair of keys. The red keychain dangling in his hands made it clear that the keys had been Eunice’s. I didn’t expect her to be here, but there was a sadness—an uncontrollable pain in my heart for not seeing her here. Why am I allowed to feel this pain? I brought this on myself. I had no right to ask for her to be with me, no right to pity myself.

  Alex went inside while I stood there at the door. This was my home, our home that I had destroyed. It’s all my fault. I wished that I could start over, to build this home again, to fill it with love and happiness as before.

  Entering inside, I breathed in the scent with closed eyes. Letting the sweet memories of her and Elle take me over. I wanted to envelope myself in the sweet memories of Eunice and me. Her sweet laugh, her smile, her every essence that made my heart flutter—I wanted it all. I wanted her, but I knew she was gone and I was lost. I looked for her memories, her things, to guide me on this lost path of mine. I hoped they were enough to set me right, to bring me back and help me to find the broken pieces of my heart. I was drawn out of my thoughts as Alex cleared his throat, standing in front of me.

  “The fridge is stocked with all the groceries and things you might need. Your medications are in the kitchen over the island. Everything is clean and I have hired someone who will come to clean the place and cook too. He will come in tomorrow. I don’t want you near any women for a while…you are off work till your doctor says you are in the right mind to come back. Just rest for now, Joshua. I don’t know what happened to you. Where did my best friend go? But I want to trust in you. Trust that he will be back. That doesn’t mean I don’t hate you. I do, but you are my friend. Eunice wouldn’t want me to leave you, and you know I wouldn’t do that to you, man. I just want that old friend of mine, the old Joshua, back,” Alex said while looking at me. There was a struggle in him to speak these words. I felt like a worthless piece of shit for giving up my friendship with Alex because of this fucked up mind of mine.

  “If you need anything else, I am a call away. Okay?” he asked, to which I nodded slightly. My throat was heavy, knowing that was how fucked up I was.

  “Eunice has given me her keys. I’ll keep them with me for emergencies. Stay strong. I’ll drop by on my way to the office tomorrow,” he said, patting my shoulder and walking out, leaving me alone.

  The first place I walked was up the stairs toward her room. I don’t know why, but on my way up there I felt something missing. There was a feeling of emptiness, something I hadn’t felt since that day after Elle’s death. I quickly made my way up to her room, our room. I don’t know why, but I felt an urgency to go there. Flashes of her lifeless body bombarded my mind. I needed to be close to her, needed to be close to her things one way or another. I needed something to calm me down, take my mind off the image of her lifeless body. I was writhing for something of hers. Her scent, her photograph. I wanted to see her smile.

  I pushed open the door forcefully. I want to lose myself in her things, in her smiling photos, in her happy memories. However, a realization settled in me that this room was just a room. The photos that hung on the wall were gone. Our wedding portrait that I admired was no more. The small artifacts she had hung with the words “Love you forever” were gone. Everything that made this room Eunice’s were no longer here. My mind was frenzied with desperation. I needed something to remind me of her, of those happy days we spent. I went from desperate to crazy.

  I looked at the bed, begging my mind to give me a glimpse of her love-making, but it turned worse. The image of her body flashed through my mind. I lunged towards the closet to find something, her clothes, her perfume. I didn’t know what to look for specifically, but I needed something of hers. I looked in every drawer in the room and closet only to find nothing. There existed nothing of hers.

  Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked for anything to calm me. I looked in her bathroom and everywhere, but I couldn’t find a thing.

  I searched the house frantically for even a photo of her, something to remind me of her. The bad memories were sucking me deep in a pit of darkness. The frames all over the house didn’t show a glimpse of her. They were all photographs of me and Elle. Looking at Elle’s pictures, all I could think about was Eunice. Photos were torn, leaving only me and Elle in frames. There wasn’t anything in the house that made it feel like home. I was surrounded by walls and bad memories. I went to my room, tearing apart my closet to find something of hers. There was nothing. My wedding band. I looked frantically for it, but I couldn’t find it. I needed something. I was going crazy. I needed Eunice. Elle’s presence in this house was not able to pull me out of the pit I was falling into. I was growing tired and crazy and I needed her. I needed my love. I needed something to remind me of her. Needed something to hold on to, to keep me from falling into my fucked up mind. I sobbed and cried. I screamed in frustration, pain, and shame.

  I ran towards Elle’s room in desperate need of something to hold me from falling. She was the next closest thing to me after Eunice, and I hoped, I wis
hed, it to help me. I was crying in pain because of the turmoil in my heart. I wanted to get rid of the memories of the torture I forced on her. I looked around the room. I took her blanket and wrapped it around me and cried. I cried for the monster who I was. I was torn and bleeding from the inside. I needed to control myself but, I couldn’t. I was like a lost river. I needed the love, I needed my light, and only now I knew it was her. My hand reached for a photo on the table of Elle and me. It was the last best moment as a family as a whole. I picked up the frame while sobbing and felt something coming with it. A chain. I looked at it clearly, wiping away the tears as much as I could.

  It was the necklace. The necklace I had given to her, something that was hers. I had given it to her, telling her that it was for the most important person in my life. It was meant for that person I loved the most, and it was hers because I had loved her the most. It was a small pendant necklace, formed in the shape of a rose with a white diamond in the center. I had engraved the words “I Love You” on it. They were small, but I was content in knowing that it had it. I loved her, and it was always meant for her.

  She had told me that she would wear it as long as she loved me. It was the mark of our love. Her love. It was the only thing left of her. Everything else was gone. She was gone. I felt like someone was twisting a knife around my broken heart. The breath was knocked out of me from the realization of it being here. I was writhing in pain. I was gone from her heart. I had lost her, I had lost the one person who loved me the most. I screamed in pain. I cried for me, for her, but more for the love I had lost. It was only now when I realized how important she was to me.

  I had lost Eunice…

  I had lost her and her love…

  And with this I was lost too…

  Lost in myself, and this necklace was the last thing I was clinging to…

  My guiding light…

  My flicker of hope…

  This small necklace was the thread of my life…

  Now I was surviving on it.

  Chapter 13

  Eunice

  2 months later…

  Life would never be easy. Getting it back on track was especially difficult. As I gazed at the setting sun, I could only think about what life could have been for me if he wasn’t in it. Would I have been happily married to someone else? Would I have had kids running around the house? Would I have been happy, or would I still be sad? Would I have been hiding myself behind my office desk? Avoiding my family like a plague?

  I had promised myself to go to family gatherings. However, the news of my broken marriage spread faster than expected. Topping off my misery was the fact that Anne was his mistress, his new life and girlfriend. They accepted it easily. Everyone knew, and when I expected things to be normal and good for me, they weren’t. Whenever I went to family gatherings, I was a topic of gossip and the one being given pitiful looks. Some laughed behind my back, some said I couldn’t satisfy my man, and that was why he had run into another woman’s bed. Anne, or her parents, or both were at times present because they were close family friends, and it added to my misery. The worst part was that she wasn’t seen as a home wrecker or the one at fault. It was me. Why? Because I couldn’t hold my man down. Because everyone thought I was weak since I tried to kill myself. They assumed things and I couldn’t stop them. None knew my story, none knew my misery. I wanted peace in my life, so I vanished from the sight of my family and their friends.

  Being enclosed in an office on the twenty-fifth floor was much better for me than being out there to be a pathetic human to be laughed at. Nora, Clarisse, and Shelly helped me a lot in coping, but it wasn’t enough. They would help me escape the painful times, be with me when I woke up in a cold sweat. There would be nightmares and flashes of Joshua and another woman while I cried, flashes of the accident, me begging to save Elle. He had made my life to be laughed upon by others, to be entertainment for them. I hated him for it, hated him for making me hide from the world, hated him for making me fall in love with him. I hated him, and the worst part was I wished it to be true. I wished to hate him and everything about him but that couldn’t happen. Deep inside my heart, he was present—with love surrounding him. I asked Alex to take care of him when I shouldn’t have, but I did.

  I lost myself in the editorial job I had acquired. Thanks to my previous boss, the kind old lady still offered me a job. I was scared she wouldn’t want me because of the handful of gossip revolving around me, but she accepted me.

  Joshua had affected every aspect of my life. A month after I left him, many came to me to talk, to get some more juicy tidbits to gossip about. Society made me doubtful about the intentions of anyone who tried to help me, and it was all because of him. My boss helped me by giving me work to have me consumed in something other than my thoughts. She talked with me and said not to worry about anything but work. She clearly told me that this society and its people were like leeches, going wherever they found a source of gossip to make others’ lives worse. They were here to make the life of a suffering person as bad as possible. She wanted to save me from them and their questioning eyes. She didn’t help me out of pity, but because she knew she could save me, save me when she couldn’t save herself once. I told her the truth, the reason behind all my actions, and she had been nothing but supportive. No questions ever asked and no pity shown—that was my boss, Ms. Kelly Caulfield.

  I was drawn out of my thoughts because of the disturbing knock on my door. I looked at my watch, and it was 7:45 p.m. Most of the people were gone by now. I usually stayed until I was the last one.

  “Come in,” I said while looking at the door curiously, and with a bit of fear too, fear of something new. I didn’t like the unexpected. I hated it, found it troublesome. Joshua had been the one to teach me that. The unexpected things in my life never used to scare me, but now they did. This was what he had done to me.

  “Hey.” It was Nora. I let out a sigh of relief.

  “Hey.”

  “What are you doing here?” I queried.

  “I came here looking for you, the guard let me in.” She sat down. “You should have left by now. Why are you staying in so late today?” she asked. I knew she cared for me, worried for me more than I did. I was escaping here, losing myself in the work. I really didn’t want to be near my things or anyone, even Nora. I had been staying with her ever since I left Joshua’s house. She wouldn’t leave me alone but I needed space.

  I was dreading tomorrow. I wanted to be away because tomorrow was our anniversary. Joshua’s and my wedding anniversary. I wanted to escape from the world, didn’t want to think about the day. I knew it would affect me a lot. It would have been our third anniversary, and I had promised him something. I promised that on our next anniversary, we would spend time together alone. A night alone without worries, without a celebration—just us. We had agreed on a romantic day while Elle stayed with my parents. We had it planned out, but it was a shame it wouldn’t happen. All of that went downhill. As much as I didn’t want to remember it, I still remembered it all. Even if I didn’t think about it, the memories of our good times would invade my mind. They would make me see how life was simple with him, telling me how good we were together, and like a fool I would believe him. It was only after I opened my eyes that reality became clear to me, and that reality was the opposite of what I would dream.

  “Eunice,” Nora called, drawing me out of my disturbing thoughts.

  “Are you all right?” she asked. I weakly nodded. I didn’t know what to do with me. How to escape the day coming.

  “It’s about your anniversary, isn’t it?” Nora asked hesitantly. My eyes widened. How could a friend be so supportive and caring? How could a person know the reason about someone else’s problems, just like that?

  “Yes,” I whispered and turned away. I hadn’t cried over him as I promised, but sometimes I wanted to. I wanted to cry because he had destroyed me, broken me, but I didn’t.

  “Eunice, it’s going to be all right,” she said, bendin
g down to her knees in front of me. She held my hands as I looked away. I wanted to be away from such a friend who was so much to me, the one who understood me more than I understood myself.

  “I know you’re suffering, and I understand that. I know that tomorrow is going to be hard for you, but I won’t tell you to ignore it or sleep on it. I just need you to be strong, Eunice. It will hurt. Hurt like hell, but I know you will pass it. You passed two months without crying, and I know you can do more. You want to work the whole day tomorrow? No problem. I won’t stop you. No one would, but be strong. Be strong and face your demons. Just hold yourself and be all right, Eunice. I just want what is the best for you. I don’t want to lose you, Eunice, not because of him,” she said, holding my hands tight. She was my rock in this storm of life. I was glad I had friends, people who accepted me without judging me, without any questions. They were the best things in my life, and I was happy they were there with me even when I didn’t want them to be there for me.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. I was holding myself strong now. “Thanks for understanding and being with me. Thanks a lot for being my rock and not letting me fall. Thanks for giving me courage to be strong, and lastly, thank you for being here,” I said, looking at her. My eyes teared up when I thought about her, knowing that I had someone to rely on.

  “Let’s go home. Clarisse is coming over and cooking something Italian for us today,” she said, a warm smile grazing her lips. I nodded to her as she stood up.

  “Get your purse and some files and let’s go,” she said, turning my chair around to face the desk.

  “Okay, missy,” I said with a small smile, and the best part was that Nora smiled widely at this.

  “We should hurry, by the way. I don’t want Clarisse to be mad at us, and I want to help her too. The food she was talking about sounds delicious.” She spoke with closed eyes. I laughed. I literally burst into laughter.