An Innocent Wife

by Richa Resa

  “What?” Nora asked with narrowed eyes.

  “You want to help. Please don’t do that. You might burn down the kitchen, Nora. I know you’ll just stand there and yell at Clarisse to look at all the things at once. You’re a good lawyer, but you are no good in the kitchen.” That was surely true. Nora’s bossy in the kitchen, and it annoys the other person. She keeps tasting things when they’re hot and yells out. Besides this, she’s a little clumsy in the kitchen when another person is there. So no help from her while cooking. She can’t cook well and might end up throwing things in the dustbin.

  “Hey, that’s not nice. I make good chocolate milk,” she replied back. She could make good chocolate milk and tea—it was all she knew. Cooking eggs was a difficult task for her. She had hired someone to cook for her every day when I wasn’t there. She was a nice old lady in need of a vacation, so I gave her one till the time I found my own apartment and could move out from Nora’s.

  “Yes, because that’s the only thing you can make,” I said while picking up two manuscripts to work on to lull me to sleep.

  “You’re right,” she said in defeat.

  In minutes we were on our way home to have a slice of Italy.

  ***

  “Eunice, get in here and take her away,” Clarisse yelled. Much to the dismay of Clarisse and me, Nora had decided to help. That resulted in making Clarisse cry out in frustration while I was working in the living room. Letting go of my work, I rushed to the kitchen to find an even bigger mess than expected. There were broken eggs in the chaos, flour everywhere, and the smell of burned food. The best part was to see a fuming Clarisse covered in some red sauce and flour. She was fuming in anger and glaring at Nora, who had a spoon in her mouth. I broke into fits of laughter looking at this. This diverted their attention towards me.

  “Eunice, this is not a laughing matter,” Clarisse yelled childishly.

  “Sorry,” I tried to say while laughing.

  “Take her out of here, please. I’m trying to cook while she’s being a pain in the neck,” Clarisse glared at Nora.

  “Hey! I was trying to help,” Nora said in her defense.

  “Help? You were bossing me around the kitchen. Complaining all the way that vegetables are too small or some too big. Don’t add much salt. Asking me what I’m adding and why. God, she played with the pasta I made and dropped it on the floor. When I told her to stop doing it, she threw flour on me and some sauce. Save me, Eunice!” Clarisse yelled in frustration while throwing her hands up in the air.

  “Okay, both of you just stop. Clarisse, you go and clean yourself up while I clean the mess in the kitchen. Nora, you’re going to clean yourself too and sit in a corner. You aren’t getting anywhere near here. Clarisse, when you clean yourself up, I’ll help you cook. Tell me what to do and I will do it. Everything sorted now?” I asked.

  “All right, I’m going to take up your offer of help while she stays away from the kitchen till the food is ready,” Clarisse said, pointing at Nora while looking at me. Nora nodded like a small kid who was being punished after being caught stealing candy.

  With that, both of them went their ways to clean themselves, leaving me to clean the mess they made. Looking at the kitchen, I groaned. Why did I decide to clean the mess they made, anyway?

  Half an hour later, the kitchen was cleaned and Clarisse was back. She and I got to cooking, and it was not a pleasant experience to cook with her. The cool Clarisse was gone, replaced by a bossy chef who wanted everything perfect. I was glad when everything was done, even the dishes. All through dinner, I laughed at something or another Clarisse or Nora said or at their usual bickering.

  Time passed, and so did the happiness in my life. Clarisse had gone back home while Nora bid her goodbyes and went to sleep. It was just me and the dark night with an uncomfortable silence. Picking up the manuscripts, I got myself to concentrate on work. Hours passed, and I was done with the lengthy manuscripts. However, the worst part was that sleep still hadn’t come. I was wide awake.

  Looking at the clock, I saw that it was 2:00 a.m. I closed my eyes just for a moment to relax, but the images of my wedding flashed through my mind, making me jolt awake. I didn’t want to remember him and his vows. I didn’t want to break the shell I had cocooned myself in and to keep the pieces of my heart safe. I waited for my heart to heal itself, but it wasn’t easy. I was still broken. My heart wasn’t complete. A part was still left to get back. Not wanting to linger in the thoughts of him and my broken heart any longer, I walked to my room. Picking out my nightwear, I was just going to close my closet when the jewelry box caught my eye. My mind was telling me to run, to close the door and walk away, but something pulled me to it. Something from deep inside of me was forcing me to open it, and that something won. I moved my feet and stood in front of it. My fingers unlocked the box and opened it up. I hadn’t opened it up since getting out of the house that day. On the very top of the ornaments sat my engagement ring and wedding band.

  My mind was invaded with the happy memories of me and Joshua. Our dates, his proposing to me, our wedding, late night dinners, sneaking out of the parties and making love, our honeymoon, those endless nights filled with steamy love and promises to be together forever. Everything came rushing back to me, and I welcomed it all. I welcomed it, knowing that somehow they would leave me empty and broken, but I did. I touched the two rings, and before I knew it, I had placed them back on my finger. I looked at them with adoration and love. They were the mark of love and a forever which were no more in my life. The worst memories of Joshua and I were being pushed to the back of my mind. His betrayal and sharp words were being taken over by the sweet words he once said, the romantic things he did. I wanted to hate myself for not hating him, but I couldn’t. My eyes were glued to the rings on my fingers. Feeling them back there made me feel good. I once again wanted to feel the love that we had.

  Was it wrong to wish to feel that love once again? Was it pathetic of me to think of being in his arms one last time? Was it fucked up of me to want to see the love in his eyes for me once again? Was I such a lovesick person who still wanted him after everything? My eyes welled with unwanted tears.

  “What have you done to me, Joshua?” I whispered with closed eyes while my lips kissed the rings.

  I was deluded. I was in haze. I was once again reliving the good times that we had. I was once again going back in time and feeling what I felt then. I was going back down the memory lane from the day we met. Changing myself into night clothes, I laid on the bed with my hand on the pillow as I looked at them intensely. If I closed my eyes, I would unleash all those memories and love I had for him. I knew my heart would flutter with each good memory, but in the end all the pieces that have been healed might break again.

  Taking a deep breath, I looked at the rings on my finger for the last time and closed my eyes.

  My mind took me back to that very moment when we met.

  “Joshua…” I whispered just before all the memories from the start consumed me.

  “Joshua…” I once again whispered, seeing his smiling face. Seeing it made me feel happy and content. I felt like the Eunice I was before…

  Chapter 14

  Joshua

  “Serena, could you please get me Mr. Braxton’s file, please,” I said through the intercom.

  “Yes sir. Do you need anything else with it?” she asked, concerned, which I really didn’t deserve from anyone, and especially not from her, someone who had witnessed my acts of infidelity on Eunice, a good friend of hers.

  “No, that’s all for now,” I replied reassuringly. It had been hours since lunch, which I had declined. This was my routine for the past one and a half months. I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything during lunch because it was mostly the time when I had taken lovers in the past. This was an hour for me that I passed in guilt and thoughts about Eunice. I wondered many times how she was, what she was doing. I had wished to call her at times or ask someone other than Alex, but I couldn’t brin
g myself to. This heavy weighing guilt and regret had crushed me further. I didn’t have the guts to call her or ask anyone else because I was afraid of the reality. Maybe she was so happy in this new world of hers that she had forgotten me, or maybe she somewhere missed me from the depths of her heart like I did, or it could be she had forgotten me and moved on with someone better. I couldn’t bear such thoughts, hence I had to content myself with Alex’s words, which were nothing more than she was doing well, was fine, or was better. Those were his answers to me, which I had happily accepted and felt content with.

  “Sir, Miss Anne called again,” she said hesitantly. Anne. I hadn’t talked to her or even seen her since that night when I had bedded her in my home and tainted it. I regretted everything I did with everyone, even Anne. I had used them as toys and played with their hearts and bodies. Some knew the limits with me, but Anne didn’t, and it was entirely my fault. I had let her believe I felt something more than lust with her, which was nothing but lies. Only when the clouds of lies had drifted away from my life had I seen what I had truly done. I had ruined my love, my home, and a girl who had no part in this.

  “Was the bouquet of lilies and the note insufficient to give her my deepest apologies?” I asked coldly, and it was times like this I was scared of, scared to drift back in the past of my fucked up mind.

  I had sincerely sent my deepest apologies to women I toyed with. They were human and not someone to be used. I did this to let go of some burden off me, to find some forgiveness to bear the weight of regret that weighed upon my heart. I had sent Anne a hand-written note telling her how wrong it was what I did. I had told her that I made a mistake, one which couldn’t be forgiven easily. I apologized to her for dragging her into this, for giving her false hope, and making her feel that there existed something more when there clearly didn’t. It never did, and never could, because even my darkest days, Eunice ruled my heart. She was the center of my world and always would be, and I surely couldn’t have someone else. She has and will always rule over my heart, my mind, my soul, and even my body.

  I wrote all that to Anne and yet she had been unable to understand. She had called me but I never answered. I didn’t think she was able to get the memo that what we had was a mistake and nothing else. It was over and I had no space for her in my life and never could, but she couldn’t understand this and had dared to call the office, a place that was my escape now, over what I had done. It ticked me off. I hadn’t gone out for the past two months and there was a reason; I couldn’t face people, and Anne was pushing me by calling here. She was forcing me to take an action that would leave her destroyed, and I didn’t want to. I did not intend to hurt anyone anymore.

  “She says it’s important and she needs to talk to you. She has threatened to make a scene downstairs because of it,” she said hesitantly. Anne could surely not come here since I had only had allowed two people to be here—Alex and my secretary. I had put up a new card to be used with a code that had to be punched in. I couldn’t bear to have people moving around much. I didn’t want to see them because I was ashamed of my actions, and such actions like Anne was threatening to make occur.

  “Tell her to please refer to the new company policy. She still is an employee and not under me, but Alex. Any scene she makes will affect her. Moreover, there is now a policy of no fraternizing in the office anyway. She makes a scene and she is looking for her way out of the industry forever, with a good lump sum amount to be lost too. If she’s not looking for both of us to be bankrupt, then she should stop bothering me, because I’ve got nothing to lose, while she has a lot.” I told her to convey this message sternly. I had asked Alex to put in such a clause in company contracts myself, binding upon everyone and bosses effective immediately. It was for the best—this firm that was all I had. I didn’t want any more trouble in my life.

  “That’s all,” I added quickly.

  “Okay, sir.” With that the call ended. In minutes, the file I had called for was with me and I deliberately started to work on the new project, trying my level best. I worked for hours non-stop because it helped me keep my thoughts in line and not let them wander about the past.

  As eight struck the clock, I let go of the project for the day. Serena had left around six in the evening, leaving me a much-needed coffee that I had thanked her for. Lately I had been polite and thanking them for their small acts of concern, no matter who they were, because I didn’t deserve them. I had taken things for granted but, no more. I had taken Eunice for granted and her concern and favors in my respect too, thus I had made it my aim to never do it again. I had taken Eunice’s home cooked meals for granted and it was only now I missed them with my entire being. I truly missed everything about her.

  Looking at a photo of hers that I had found hidden under my own things, I made it my top priority to keep it safe with the small pendant necklace. She was smiling and her eyes sparkled with happiness in the photo. It was one prior to our marriage and I had at times found myself getting lost in her eyes and smile. How much I missed seeing them. How much would I pay to have seen her once again? But I knew the odds were not in my favor and I wouldn’t have any chance with her ever again.

  My doctors, on the other hand, told me to keep the hope to return to normalcy that I couldn’t find without her. I truly fucked up, and it only made me felt guiltier to know what I had done when clear light shined upon me. Doctors had helped me a lot by having me talk about what I felt. They made me let out of all my guilt and regrets, tried their best to reason with me that it wasn’t my fault to begin with. They said that a seed of doubt had been sown in my mind long ago by Lily’s mother. Elle’s death had made it grow it into a tree with deep roots, forcing me to believe the lies. It made me feel that Eunice was the monster that Lily’s mother had made her to be.

  The trauma of the accident had taken some unwanted and unrealistic turns for me, forcing my mind to believe the lies, pushing to the limits where there was no option but to believe them at any cost. I had no choice, the doctors said, but I didn’t believe it. I had a choice to look for the truth rather than turning a blind eye towards it and giving myself over to the lies than keeping control.

  I still couldn’t stop blaming myself and never would, not without her. For the past two months, I had never let the burden go. It was something I had to bear anyhow. I had to control myself every day to put a halt to my thoughts. Even after two months I didn’t find myself cured…that cold demeanor of mine returned at times, making me question who I was and am. Maybe with her I would have been able to be fully cure myself, but I didn’t want to drag her into this fucked up mind of mine once again. I had nightmares of hurting Eunice, memories of her laying lifeless on the bed, and a monstrous look in my eyes. I was scared of myself, scared of the monster that I had turned into coming back to destroy me. I had slept in our bedroom for the past two months, breathing in Eunice’s now lost scent. I slept there in hopes that maybe one night I would find her there sleeping right beside me and looking at me with those love-filled eyes.

  Hope. I had hoped a lot for things, hope for good, hope to find her in the house, hopes of killing the monster inside of me, and hope to gain my normal self back. I was living on hopes. The flames of hope kept me alive, something that was never in my life because Eunice was there. Eunice was there to hope for her, to hope for a better future when I was there just to destroy us both. Serena told me all about her. She had cursed me, and made me feel ashamed of myself. She had been the one who advised Eunice to stay, stay in hopes to find the real Joshua back. It was at that moment I realized that what had killed the hope inside Eunice that night was forcing her to walk away from this life.

  I had deliberately crushed her hopes. I wished she could have walked away from me rather than staying. She shouldn’t have wasted her time on a monster like me. Serena shouted at me at that I didn’t deserve Eunice, that I was cruel and heartless. Yet she decided to work with me because she was in need of this job. For the first time I apologized for making
her do things for my lovers, for hurting her friend, but most of all, for not listening to her that I was making a mistake. I wished I could have listened to her. Wished that I wouldn’t have let myself surrender to those wicked thoughts.

  I turned around and looked at the date today to distract myself from my unwanted train of thoughts. I hadn’t bothered to look at dates since past two months. There was nothing new to it, the sun would rise daily, and then the sun would set. There was nothing new about any day ever. However, today was not like every other day. There was something special about it that I shouldn’t have forgotten. I once again felt like a selfish person who took things for granted. An unknowing pain pierced through my heart, remembering what I had missed today. How could I have forgotten? I felt the pain of my own acts return. It was our wedding day. A day that had now passed, leaving me with a pain I just couldn’t cope with. It was our day, our wedding anniversary that we should have celebrated together.

  My eyes focused towards the wedding band resting on my finger. I had found it deep down in my things when I was on a spree of finding something of Eunice’s—since that day I had worn it. It was something Eunice and I had bought together. It reminded me of her smiling face when she placed it on my finger. Three years today would have marked three years of our happily married life if only I wouldn’t have destroyed us. Three years of love and hope I had destroyed. The marriage vows I took—I broke them in the fucked up state of mine. Tears welled while thinking about what I had done. What I had destroyed. Whom I had made to suffer. I did all this. I killed us in false assumptions. I flushed down two and a half years of love for the sake of a lie. I killed her, destroyed her, and myself in this burning fire of revenge and hatred that wasn’t even needed. Now all I had left was regret. A heart filled with the guilt of destroying her and our sacred bond of marriage that would always weigh upon me. I took a walk down memory lane, only to find myself so alone and empty in this world. The worst part was I couldn’t have her back—not till I had cured myself and killed the remains of the monster in me. I was on a path to find my real self before begging her for a last chance for our love.