Totem Lost

by James Hadman

  Now that my tongues were burned, I was no longer a shaman. My quest had come to a sudden end. Writing about this tragedy clarified my thoughts about my future. I would return to Klawak and my wonderful house and resume a normal life. I was anxious to see my mother and my friends and the sooner the better. I put my writing things away and fed Arrow and the pups before returning to the fire where Sky Shaker and Killer Whale Rider were eating.

  “Since I’m no longer a shaman, I’ve decided to go home to Klawak,” I said.

  “You’re a part of my family and this is your home too,” Sky Shaker said. “I think you need to stay here. We can plan another spirit quest for you.”

  “When I lost my tongues, the desire to become a shaman burned with them.”

  “Are you also abandoning your mission to warn the people?” Killer Whale Rider asked.

  “I am. My actions as a messenger and a shaman have brought only pain and death.”

  “You cured the yitsati’s daughter,” Sky Shaker said. “That was a good thing.”

  “That’s true, but I need time to think. At this moment, I can tell you I’m not I’m strong enough to start my quest to become a shaman again and I’m going home until I am.”

  “If you return to Klawak, I’d like to go with you. I want to see where you grew up,” Killer Whale Rider said. This was a surprise.

  “There won’t be much work for a shaman’s apprentice there,” I said.

  “That won’t be a problem. I feel the same as you. I don’t think I’m cut out for that work, but I know how to hunt and fish.”

  “What about Pearl Shell Woman?” I asked, wondering how Killer Whale Rider would justify leaving his girlfriend behind in Howkan. “Where will she live?”

  “She’ll stay with me,” Sky Shaker said in a tone that allowed no argument. “She has healing to do and I have plenty of experience dealing with burns.”

  Killer Whale Rider said, “If she remains here with Sky Shaker, she’ll get the best care possible and I can’t offer her that. I haven’t had a chance to travel much, and after seeing how your big canoe performed on the trip to Kasaan, I’m looking forward to having you show me more of the country. When Pearl Shell Woman gets better, maybe you’ll decide to renew your quest to become a shaman. If you do, we can get together with her and do that.”

  Sky Shaker looked at us and shook her head. Somehow she knew that a message had passed between Killer Whale Rider and me. With her kind offer, she gave us a graceful way to part company with Pearl Shell Woman.

  We had to tell her about our decision to go to Klawak. That was a task neither of us relished. We walked back to her sleeping area, and after we told Pearl Shell Woman of our decision, we all shed some tears.

  “You two go on,” she said. “Go to Klawak and relax for awhile. I’ll stay here and take care of Sky Shaker until our shaman wants to renew her quest.” She gave us a brave smile and we touched her good hand in farewell. Killer Whale Rider and I eased our sense of guilt and loss by distracting ourselves with making plans and packing.

  Numerous details needed to be taken care of before our departure and one of the most important was getting a crew of paddlers. Sea Beaver said he was sorry to see us leave, but he came through with the necessary men.

  14 May, 1778: Two days later, on a clear calm morning in the Berries Blooming Moon, the paddlers carried my canoe down the beach and loaded our boxes and bundles aboard. Lina helped Pearl Shell Woman down the beach where she and Sky Shaker stood side by side. They were joined by most of the villagers who came to bid us farewell.

  I felt that leaving Howkan was a glaring admission of my failures. I had lost my hard-won tongues so I was no longer a shaman. I no longer had the status or the will to travel and warn the people about whitefaces. Since I didn’t know when or where the invaders might arrive, no one would believe my warnings. Even though abandoning my quest would be a betrayal of Father’s admonitions, I needed to leave the scene of so much disappointment.

  As we were paddling away, I looked back to see Pearl Shell Woman waving goodbye with her good hand. That pitiful sight haunted me for days.

  We paddled for several hours until a gentle following breeze sprang up. I set the wind-wing and we all relaxed as my canoe slid down the channel. Arrow and Kushdaka napped at my feet. The other pups had new homes in Howkan

  Killer Whale Rider joined me in the stern and the attraction between us eased my black mood as I showed him details of managing a big canoe under sail.

  After he felt comfortable steering the canoe, he said, “Now that you’ve retired from being a shaman, I’d like to see your beautiful red hair flying free again. Would you mind if I undid those little braids?”

  “I wouldn’t mind at all,” I said, taking the steering paddle from him. “That will be one more step away from the life of a shaman and I welcome that.”

  Killer Whale Rider spent the rest of the afternoon untangling the many braids Lina had plaited only a couple of moons ago. His efforts amused the paddlers who interrupted their gambling game to tease him about becoming a hairdresser.

  After he finished, I shook out my hair. When it caught the light, the teasing ceased. I heard one man ask if anyone had ever seen such red hair before. They all shook their heads and were silent as they watched me running my fingers through my newly freed hair.

  The current was against us when we got to the narrows and wouldn’t become fair until after dark. We weren’t in a hurry on such a gentle spring afternoon, so we looked for a place to camp. I realized we weren’t far from where we had camped on the way to Howkan–the exact spot where I had found Kushdaka. I found an eddy next to the shore and it carried us to my old camp site. I dropped the wind-wing and headed for shore. The paddlers helped as I steered us to a likely spot. Then my crew carried the canoe up the beach and began setting up camp.

  “Now that you’ve undone my braids,” I said to Killer Whale Rider. “I want to wash my hair and I think the perfect place to do that is just around that point.” I was amazed at what had come out of my mouth. How could I have been so bold? How would he respond?

  “Do you need some help?”

  “You’re my favourite helper,” I said, smiling at him. “Let’s go.”

  Chapter Ten

  May 14, 1778: I led the way as we hiked along the beach and when we rounded a rocky point, a familiar scene met my eyes.

  “Look, Killer Whale Rider. That pond under the waterfall is where I found Kushdaka and had my first spirit experience.”

  “This is a lovely spot. It doesn’t look like a place to find spirits, but it’s definitely a good place to wash your hair.”

  I laughed out loud for the first time in days. “You’re right. Let’s get wet. I’ll race you.” We ran down the beach with Arrow and Kushdaka following. When I reached the pool, I threw off my cloak and dived headfirst into water so cold it took my breath away. Killer Whale Rider laughed at my gasping and said, “You win.” Then he threw off his cloak and waded gingerly into the pond.

  As he headed toward me, I splashed him and he threw water on me while Arrow ran along the bank barking. Kushdaka slipped into the water and swam toward us but was distracted by a fish. She went hunting while we played.

  “We’d better wash your hair before we freeze,” Killer Whale Rider said. “Let’s go stand under the waterfall.”

  What an exhilarating experience it was to stand under the falling water with this handsome man close behind me, running his hands through my hair. When he cupped my breasts in his gentle hands, it felt right. My excitement increased. I had felt strange sensations before when he was nearby. Now they flooded back and raced down my body.

  When I was young and had begun keeping the journal with Father, I peeked at many of his older entries, curious to know how he and my mother had gotten together. I read his accounts describing the sexual attraction they felt for one another. At my ea
rly age, his description of the acts they shared made them seem messy and strange. As I grew older, I often heard ‘night noises’ in our house and began to understand that men and women took pleasure in these acts. Up until I met Killer Whale Rider, I had not experienced desire to have a man touch my private parts, but having his hands caress my body was my personal revelation and I savored the feelings that flooded through me. Now I understood what my father had described.

  After we touched and kissed, we spread a cloak and made love on the beach, right beside the waterfall. When he first entered me, I flashed back to Skull Breaker and experienced a moment of panic. My lover sensed that and paused to caress my face and kiss me. His touch was so gentle and loving that I relaxed. He began to move gently and my initial hesitation was replaced by an urgent need to have all of him. My hips rose and we moved together until he finished in me. I experienced such a sense of completion from this ‘messy and strange’ act that I wanted to hold him forever. We were lying on my cloak, and he covered us with his and put his arms around me.

  “I want to marry you,” he said, kissing me.

  “I want that too,” I said and kissed him back. Then I looked up and saw Arrow and Kushdaka watching us and laughed. “We had an audience. I didn’t know we were performing for those two.”

  He kissed me again and said, “The good thing is they won’t gossip about what they saw.”

  I was sorry that our moment had to end, but dusk was upon us. We had to return to camp. We were met with knowing smiles, and one man said, ‘Nice hair,’ causing a round of laughter. I know I blushed, but I didn’t give in to my embarrassment.

  “I’m glad you like it,” I said. “Killer Whale Rider did a good job.” That provoked more laughs. “I meant with my hair.” And to emphasize my point, I shook my head and ran my fingers through it.

  Killer Whale Rider sat down by the fire and fished a roasted clam from its edge. He slurped it and smiled at me.

  “Here,” he said, handing me one. “These are really tasty.”

  I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I took it from him. Just like an old married couple, we shared roasted clams the paddlers had dug. When we turned in, I would have liked to sleep with Killer Whale Rider, but we had talked it over and decided not to share a bed until after we were married. Until then, we would be discreet.

  May 15, 1778: When he smiled at me next morning, I realized just how difficult keeping my hands off him was going to be. I busied myself getting ready to travel and that helped a little.

  We landed at Klawak that afternoon, much to the villagers’ surprise. My mother and Seal Killer hurried down the beach to embrace me and I introduced Killer Whale Rider to Seal Killer. The paddlers carried our boxes up to my big house, leaned my canoe against the wall, and covered it. We were home.

  Of course, Mother had to find out why we had come back to Klawak and approached me. I was in my sleeping area unpacking and making sure the boxes with the journals were safe. We sat down and I told her about the disastrous events that had happened after she left Howkan.

  “I set out to recruit Skull Breaker, the famous war chief, to oppose the whitefaces and I ended up destroying him,” I said.

  “You what?” she said. “How did you do that?” I went on to tell her what had happened. She shook her head and began to speak, but I held up my hand. “Wait, there’s more.” I described the confrontation with Bear Claw that resulted in his death, the terrible injury to Pearl Shell Woman, and the sacrifice I had made to save Sky Shaker. Mother began patting my shoulder and making the same soothing noises she had made when I was ten summers old. “I might have been able to cope with destroying those two men, but losing my tongues was the final blow. I didn’t have the energy to start all over again.” I was crying when I said, “And that’s why I came home and am ending my quest. I failed as a shaman.”

  She held me and stroked my hair back from my forehead until I stopped weeping. “Perhaps, after you’ve had awhile to think about it, you’ll change your mind,” she said. “I’m sure Sky Shaker will help you if you decide to try again.”

  It was time to change the subject. “I do have some good news. Killer Whale Rider and I are planning to get married.”

  Mother clapped her hands to her face and said, “At last. I have waited so long for this news.” She was actually squirming with delight when she continued, “Remember, I was the one who told you he would be the perfect match for you and I was right. Seal Killer and I have been working on the potlatch I planned to honour your father’s memory, but that can wait. We’ll simply change that celebration to a wedding ceremony.”

  May 23, 1778: We were wed in Rust House with all the ceremony Mother could create on short notice. For a wedding present, she gave me another special gift that I had always admired. It was an intricately woven small basket, dark gray in colour, that she told me was made from the mouth parts of a great whale. She had already given me the carved ivory hair ornament in the shape of a pair of clasped hands she had worn for many summers. Now I had both of these treasures that had been gifts to her from Father. I promised to cherish them as she had.

  After the obligatory fast and waiting period, my darling Killer Whale Rider and I consummated our union. Every moment of that special event was as perfect as our first time on the beach. During that long night of lovemaking, I enjoyed an additional treat. I experienced my first climax with my new husband. I would no longer have need for my wicked mink.

  May 17, 1783: We settled into my house, which was now ours, and began our married life. After my failed shaman experience, I reveled in my domestic routine. I even began to learn how to weave dance blankets and make baskets. Mother wasn’t especially complimentary about my skill, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying myself.

  We both wanted children, but our wishes were denied. Summer followed summer with Mother faithfully putting special fertility charms in our sleeping area. One of them must have worked because during Berries Ripen Moon of 1783, I too began to ripen. I was pregnant and my husband was ecstatic. He kept telling me how anxious he was to become a father. It wasn’t long before I was anxious for that to happen too but for a different reason.

  I couldn’t believe how uncomfortable I became as my pregnancy progressed. Mother’s help was a mixed blessing. Being the experienced mother of five, she could reassure me when I had problems with sickness and the frequent need to make water. That helped, but I was suffering and didn’t like it. I asked about her first labour and she admitted it had been difficult and hastened to tell me that her subsequent pregnancies were much easier. I didn’t find that reassuring.

  It became obvious that Killer Whale Rider was avoiding me and I didn’t like that either, but I understood. I wasn’t pleasant to be around. He had volunteered to help with the journal and before I got as big as a fat seal, we spent sweet interludes together while I taught him to read and write. As my physical discomfort increased, by mutual consent, we suspended the lessons completely.

  April 23, 1784: Early on a spring morning during the Halibut Moon, we welcomed two reasons for my excessive discomfort into the world. My labour was thankfully short and made easy by the expert assistance of auntie Cedar Weaver and my mother. A boy was the first to join us. We didn’t know it at the time, but being first was what he would excel at. He insisted on being first at everything. To the surprise of the midwives, my labour continued and I delivered a second baby. This one was a girl.

  “The spirits have blessed you,” Mother said. “They have given you two beautiful babies,” she said placing them at my breasts. During my stay in the snug birthing hut, Mother showed me how to feed two hungry babies at once. My midwives giggled as the twins suckled avidly, one at each breast. Being the youngest child in our family I had never had the responsibility of caring for babies, so I had plenty to learn.

  April 27, 1784: After the required waiting period passed, we all emerged from the hut. Killer Whale Ri
der was on hand to welcome us and his joy was infectious. We laughed and cried together. On that sunny morning, my world was perfect.

  Our lives were taken over by our infants. Night and day they demanded our attention. My slaves, Olga and Elena, helped immensely and the days passed uneventfully as the babies flourished. Our twins were unusual for several reasons. No one could remember the birth of twins of opposite sexes. Same sex twins were quite rare, but there was precedent for them in our family. I had twin brothers. The physical appearance of our twins was also remarkable. Unlike my brothers, they bore little resemblance to one another. Our son was dark, with tawny skin, black hair and amazing blue eyes. Our daughter was light-skinned with deep red hair and her eyes were green.

  July 11, 1784: Wind Spirit organized a naming potlatch to be held during Salmon Returning Moon. Everyone had an opinion about what to name the twins and they were eager to share their suggestions with us. I wanted to honour my father by including Abraham in their names. When I attempted to create powerful names by adding Abraham to Copper Spirit and Killer Whale Rider, my husband laughed.

  “Those names are bigger than the babies.”

  “What do you suggest, Husband?” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t see a better alternative.

  “We are canoe people,” he said. “I think we should name our boy Sea Abraham. Those eyes of his are the colour of sunlit water and your father’s name will also be honoured.”

  “I like that. How about his sister? What should we name her?”

  He smiled at me and took the baby from my lap. “When this little girl grows up, I’m sure she’ll have her mother’s spirits. Your eagle spirit owns the sky.”

  “Let’s call her Sky Abraham,” I said. My mother and others didn’t approve of our departure from traditional names, but my husband and I pointed out that both names honoured their grandfather as well as the country we all cherished.