Forever My Lady

by Jeff Rivera

  Dio was in shock. It didn’t even look like Simon; there was someone else inside. For a moment it almost seemed to Dio as if he were seeing himself being dragged away, but he rubbed his eyes again and realized that indeed it was Simon.

  The ambulance raced away, as red and blue lights pulled up and they dragged Simon toward the patrol cars. Simon caught sight of Dio and suddenly he calmed. Dio gestured toward Simon for him to “chin up.” Simon nodded, his eyes watering.

  Dear Jennifer,

  They booked him for attempt. 25 years in the joint. They won’t let him out until he’s like 40 something years old. If he makes it that long. Spooky always told me prison’s meant for only the most savage of savages and Simon, even with all his anger, will always be a pussy cat. I’m going to miss him and I only wish you had the chance to meet him.

  I was so glad to see you when you came to visit. You looked pulchritudinous to me. Know what that means? It means fine as hell. I’m sorry things ended the way they did. Everyone thought you were fine as hell too. That’s why so many of them were staring. They knew my baby was beautiful just like I told them. You’re like a legend here. Everybody knows about you.

  About the letter, I never meant for you to see that. I thought I threw it out. I was just heated that day. I was being a fuckin tarugo. Louise told me I should write things out, that it’s better for me to get my aggressions out on paper instead of directed at people. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I wrote letters like that about my mom too and about other people. I had to or I was going to explode inside.

  I never wanted you to see that at all. It was like a journal entry, you know. Baby I want to take everything I said in that letter back. Olvidalo. I didn’t mean any of it. I was just pouring through all my emotions, letting off steam. You’ve got to believe me.

  It seems just like every time I think things are going to turn out alright all right for us some pendejada happens. But I know we can work through this cause you know me. Sometimes I say things that just don’t make any sense. It’s just me talking. I don’t mean nothing anything by it at all.

  You know I could never hurt you. I’d never let anybody do nothing anything to you at all. And don’t worry about any of those cicatrizes and things you got on your face. It’ll heal up and if it doesn’t it’s OK because we can get plastic surgery. We’ll get the money together and everything will be good as new. And even if that didn’t work, I wouldn’t care. You’re still beautiful to me baby. You always will be.

  We got to stay together because we’ve got the baby on the way. Do you know if it’s going to be a boy or girl yet? No te pregunte.

  Baby I need to talk to you real bad. I need you to answer my letters as fast as you can cause it’s making me go crazy just to think you might be mad at me.

  I need you. And I need to know if you’re all right. Please do that for me. OK?

  I’m going to be out of here sooner than you know it and we’re going to work through everything and I’m going to be a great daddy and a great husband.

  You know I don’t have no feria here. But I made this ring out of paper clips. It looks chafa, but it’s a symbol. I’m including it in this letter and I want you to wear it so it’s a reminder of what we have together.

  When I get out I’m going to get you a real ring I promise whatever you want. And I’ll earn our billetes. I won’t be hustlin or anything. I don’t care if I have to work at fucking McDonald’s all day I’ll do it. Me vale. Louise told me they got layaway plans and shit at different stores. Whatever ring you want, you pick it out when I graduate and we’ll go out and get it. OK Mija?

  I love you baby. Just know that. Just know I didn’t mean anything that I said in those letters. You’ve got to know my heart OK?

  I wrote you a poem. Hope you like it . . .

  I loved you

  You loved me

  But maybe I guess

  It wasn’t meant to be

  Sometimes I wonder

  If it was just a dream

  A fantasy, a joke,

  that’s all it ever seems

  But I know in heart and I know in mind

  As days go by and months unwind

  You’ll miss me

  You’ll stop midtrack

  And know you loved me

  And that, that’s a fact.

  Love,

  Your Soul mate,

  Dio

  Louise dabbed her watery eyes as Dio read the poem to her.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged. “Used to it. Everyone who’s ever loved me left me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Of course it is. My dad died. Mom don’t want nothin’ to do with me. Simon’s gone, and now Jennifer . . .”

  Dio sniffled, sucked up his emotions. He wasn’t about to break down, no way.

  “Well, forget all that, Dio. Look how far you’ve come. Look at the man you’ve become.”

  Dio nodded. He knew it was true, but that wasn’t all that he wanted. He wanted more than that. He’d done all this for Jennifer and now it seemed it was all for nothing. His emotions were bubbling inside him. He could feel them in his chest, making their way up to his face and eyes. He couldn’t control it anymore, though he tried to, as his voice cracked with emotion.

  “But . . . I want her.”

  He sobbed, sobbed like he hadn’t before. Louise held him close and rubbed his back.

  “I know, honey. I know.”

  He wiped his tears with his sleeve, his nostrils flaring. “Well, I’m just going to have to show her I’m better than before. She’ll see.”

  Louise searched for the right words. “Good.”

  Is that all she could say?

  He broke away from her and said, full of motivation, “She’s going to see I’m much better than I ever was and I’m going to be successful and I’m going to be rich and I’m going to make her proud, and I’m going to be the best husband and father she’s ever seen. That’s what I’m going to be.”

  Louise just looked at him. She swallowed then looked away. “Good. That’s wonderful.”

  “I am!” he announced.

  “I’m proud of you.”

  But he didn’t believe her. “What?” he asked. “You believe me, don’t you?”

  “I’ve got no doubt in my mind you’ll do that. It’s just . . .”

  “It’s just what?”

  “We can talk about it another time.”

  “You don’t think I have a chance with her anymore, do you?”

  “Well . . .”

  “Do you?”

  “Dio, sometimes you’ve got to love someone enough to think about their happiness.”

  “What? I am thinking about our happiness.”

  “But what about hers? Maybe it’s not meant to be like you thought it would turn out; maybe it’s okay to just let her go. Let her fly.”

  “That’s bullshit!”

  “What? Why?”

  “You’re the one who said I could do this. You’re the one who said I could win her back; all I had to do was just try. I just had to keep my nose clean, that’s what you said.”

  “I know that, Dio. Don’t be a quitter. You’ve got to keep focusing on—”

  He grabbed the nearest thing he could find and threw it down, started knocking down everything he could get his hands on.

  “You lied to me. You fucking lied to me.”

  “Hey, don’t use that tone with me.”

  “You’re full of shit. This whole place is full of shit. I hate your fucking bullshit stories. I hate your fucking bullshit advice. It don’t mean shit to me.”

  He spat on the floor. “That’s what it means to me. You talk about me going after my dreams and doing this and that. You didn’t even finish college! You’re the quitter. You’re the liar.”

  “Dio, I’m just trying to help.”

  “You didn’t want to help. You’re just some lonely housewife who needed someone to talk to.”

  He stormed toward
the door, then stopped, turned to her, and said quietly with a lump in his throat, “I’ll send you pictures of us on our wedding day.”

  Now he felt he had lost everyone. He went to the nearest private place that he could find so he could just let it all out and cry. He needed to let it out. He’d needed to for a long time and it just felt good. It felt good to feel sorry for himself. It felt good to pour his heart out. And although he felt weak afterward for doing so, he felt cleansed, too. He’d kept so much inside for the longest time and now it was starting to get out of him.

  “Radigez, get your ass over here and help me with this,” Jackson said, tinkering under the hood of his car.

  “Sir, yes, sir!” Dio said, moving over to him.

  “I think it’s the starter.”

  Jackson cleared his throat about a billion times. Dio knew he wanted to say something, but just wasn’t so sure he knew how to say it.

  “So . . .” he started, clearing his throat again, “heard your girl stopped by.”

  “Sir, yes, sir.”

  “Betcha it was nice to see her.”

  “Sir, yes, sir. It was.”

  “And how’s that going? The two of you?”

  Dio shrugged. “Sir, all right. Not too good, sir.”

  “No?”

  “Sir, no, sir.”

  “Well, that’s women for ya.”

  Dio smiled. “Sir, yes, sir.”

  “Heard she’s about to bust.”

  “Sir, yes, sir. Sir, she’s pretty big, sir.”

  “Know what it’s going to be?”

  “Sir, no, sir. A boy? Hope so. Don’t know, sir.”

  “Thought about how you’re going to provide for it?”

  Dio tried to keep his sigh undetected. He could feel another lecture coming and he wasn’t in the mood for one.

  “Sir, a little bit, sir. Thought Trainee Rodríguez might work on cars, you know, design shop or something.”

  “Got any ideas?”

  “Sir, Trainee Rodríguez . . . Trainee Rodríguez doesn’t know, sir. Sir, who’s ever going to hire Trainee Rodríguez with a conviction anyway, sir?”

  “Well, that’s not a good attitude . . . Course . . .” He didn’t know exactly how to put it. “Course, when I was about your age, had a couple of misdemeanors under my belt, too.”

  Dio looked at him, shocked. Him? Mr. Can’t-Do-No-Wrong?

  “Sir, misdemeanors, sir?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Sir, not exactly the same, sir.”

  “Well . . . it may not be, but when I was your age—”

  Dio threw his head back. “Sir, everybody says they know what it’s like and they don’t. Trainee Rodríguez had it hard, sir. Never had a decent mother to look after me. Been in and out of juvie since I was thirteen. I don’t have no money. I don’t have no car. I don’t even have no lady anymore. How do you think I’m supposed to get a decent job if I—?”

  Jackson slipped right back into his drill instructor role. He slammed the hood of the car shut just centimeters from Dio’s fingers.

  “No, no, and no! I ask the questions ’round here, trainee!”

  He stepped right into Dio’s face, nose to nose.

  “You think you had it hard. Well, boo-hoo. Boo-hoo, Radigez. You know what it’s like to wake up three o’clock every morning, just so you can pick fucking strawberries, fucking strawberries with your alcoholic father, just to live every day? Your skin so sunburned and blistered you look like a burned armadillo?”

  “Sir, no, sir.”

  “Well, Franklin in the squad does. Do you know what it’s like to be a fucking rape baby, your mother using you like a human ironing board every day ’cause she hates the Mexican that did it to her and she hates you ’cause you remind her of it?”

  “Sir, no, sir.”

  “Well, Grossaint does.”

  It hit Dio like a truck.

  Grossaint was half Mexican?

  “You know what it’s like to go to work every day, facing the same type of gang-banging loser thugs that killed your son?” Jackson continued. “Every day hoping that you might make a difference in their pathetic little lives and that maybe one day, one day you might save somebody else’s son? Huh? Huh?”

  His eyes were watery, his lips quivering, though he tried to fight it.

  “Well, I . . . I do,” Jackson said, trying to cough away the tears. “So boo-hoo, boo-hoo, Radigez. ’Cause just when you think you got it bad, somebody got it worse.”

  He took a handkerchief out and blew his nose loudly, then coughed some more.

  “Think about that day every day. Think about what I could have done to prevent it. Maybe kept him from the wrong crowd, maybe been there for him ’stead of at the office all the time. But there are no excuses in life, Radigez.”

  He searched his pockets for a cigarette. Finding one, he lit it up and took a puff.

  “Now, look what you done did. Got me smoking again.” He laughed. “Sit down.”

  “Sir, yes, sir.”

  Dio sat right on top of a rock as Jackson cooled off, pacing back and forth.

  “You’re scared, aren’t you, trainee?”

  Dio thought for a while. “Sir, yes, sir. Trainee Rodríguez doesn’t know exactly how he’s going to be a good father. Trainee Rodríguez doesn’t know if he can handle it.”

  “Well, Radigez, I was scared, too. Every new father is. But I tell you one thing, being a dad’s probably going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Was for me.”

  Dio looked at Jackson, and for the first time, saw the human behind the shell; behind the tough façade was a father who missed his son—a human being who hoped to make a difference.

  “Truth is, sometimes you remind me of him, hardheaded son of a bitch. I loved that boy, was a good boy. Just wrong place, wrong time. Thugs that shot him, all they got away with in the store was twenty dollars. Twenty dollars! Can you imagine that?”

  “Sir . . . I’m sorry, sir.”

  “Well . . . happy birthday.”

  Jackson tossed him a package.

  Dio’s eyes about popped out of their sockets as he opened the package and found a uniform. All white, the last level.

  “Don’t ever say I never gave you nothing.”

  “Sir, yes, sir.” Dio smiled.

  “Go on now, get over to your squad. And don’t you give up on that girl of yours.”

  “Sir, yes, sir,” he said, as he hustled to join his squad.

  “Hey, and Radigez?”

  “Sir, yes, sir.”

  “Don’t you tell nobody ’bout me crying, neither, or I’ll kick your ass.”

  Dio grinned from ear to ear, but he knew Jackson was serious. “Sir, yes, sir.”

  Dio couldn’t get to the hooch fast enough. He only wished Jennifer could share his happiness.

  Chapter Nine

  A WHOLE MONTH HAD PASSED SINCE HE HAD SEEN JENNIFER. He dreamed about her every night, and it didn’t help that everyone in the squad always wanted to know the updates. He didn’t really have anything new to say, so he started writing letters to himself and pretending they were from her.

  What was he supposed to do? Tell them that Jennifer wanted nothing to do with him? Tell them that he hadn’t talked to her in a whole month? Tell them how it broke his heart just to think about it?

  Instead he’d write the letters that he wanted to hear from her, the words he longed to hear her say.

  “Dear Dio, I’m so glad to see you in boot camp. You looked so good. You looked hot as hell. Just wait ’til you get out. We’re going to make up for lost time,” he read.

  The guys whooped and hollered.

  “I’m counting the days until you get out. What, just two more months, right? And I’m getting bigger than ever. I could pop any moment. I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait for us to start our family together. I love you, baby. Love, Jennifer.”

  “Man, sounds like she wants you big-time,” someone said.

  “Yeah.�
� Dio conjured up a smile. “For sure.”

  It was a strange thing, hearing those letters. Sure, it made him feel good to imagine that they were actually from Jennifer, but he hated lying. It wasn’t who he was anymore; it gave him this heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach to do it. But he couldn’t let the guys down. Many of them didn’t really have girlfriends or anyone who cared about them like Jennifer had cared about him. They loved to hear her letters to him. It was as if they were living vicariously through his experience. And what did it hurt if he lied a little, but lifted people’s spirits?

  He wondered about Simon. Simon used to love to hear letters from Jennifer, too. He wondered how he was managing in the joint. He missed him, that little runt. He missed his nerdy little comments, and missed his spirit. He missed how he tried so hard to be something he wasn’t. Dio couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty for the whole thing. He was the one who had encouraged Simon to get even. If he could do it all over again, he’d advise him otherwise, that’s for sure.

  No one had really heard anything from Grossaint since they took him to the hospital. Jackson had mentioned that he had made it out alive and was in the hospital recovering. He’d still have to complete his sentence. Even though Grossaint probably deserved what had happened to him, or at least had it coming, Dio couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. After hearing that he was a rape baby, after hearing what a hard life he had had, he almost felt a kinship with him. It was weird, but it was true.

  Dear Jennifer,

  How’s it going? I hope you’re doing well. I’m doing pretty well myself. Keeping busy. There’s lots to do here that’s for sure. All the guys keep talking about how beautiful you were when you came here. I tell them “Of course!” you’re my lady.

  I hope everything’s going well with your singing and everything. I know as soon as you have the baby, your family can help you and I’ll watch it too so you can go on auditions. Whatever you need to do I’ll be there to support you baby.

  I believe in you. It will be nice to tell everyone how I’m married to a superstar. Won’t that be great? And I knew you “then.” Know what I’m saying?

  God we’ve known each other for a minute. That’s for sure. And I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Every time I close my eyes, you come into my mind. Your hair, your skin, those lips. God I miss those lips.