Forever My Lady

by Jeff Rivera

  I know you’re probably busy but I just wanted to say “what’s up” again cause I miss you. You’re like honey to a bee baby. Once you get a lick, you can’t stop. Sounds corny but it’s true.

  I miss you Jennifer,

  Love,

  Dio

  The weeks kept breezing by, one after the other. Dio still hadn’t heard from Jennifer, but he kept sending her letters anyway, hoping that maybe he’d hear back from her.

  He hadn’t talked to Louise in a long time; in fact, he’d purposely avoided her. He felt embarrassed by the whole thing. Besides, he didn’t want to be around someone who didn’t support him. She was being negative, from his point of view. What bothered him most, what kept him up tossing and turning at night, was the little quiet voice inside him that made him wonder if what she had said was true.

  He kept his mind off it as much as he could. Jackson kept them very busy. It seemed that the closer they were to graduation, the more work he gave them. And he gave Dio more and more responsibilities. He made him lead cadence. Instead of trailing behind like he had at the beginning, he was leading the troop, carrying the American flag as they marched. He was put in charge of classroom groups. He was, for the first time, taking the lead in something and being responsible, and it felt damn good, that was for sure.

  When Grossaint came back, no one knew what to expect. Most of his boys had pretty much assimilated into the group. They’d actually become nice to be around, but no one knew what it would be like once he returned.

  He didn’t exactly look the same when he came back. Sure, he still had the same ice-blue eyes and broad shoulders. And it wasn’t just the bandages and the scar he had on his neck. He was just much quieter now, more withdrawn, more . . . human. Or maybe it was just that Dio saw him as more human.

  Once Jackson knew Grossaint was physically able again, he didn’t let up on him at all. He pushed him just as much as he pushed everyone else, and Grossaint complied.

  Dio watched him often—not so much that Grossaint would start to notice or anything, but he couldn’t help himself. Somehow, he felt guilty about the whole thing. The more he looked at him, the more human Grossaint became to him. He guessed that he had never spent any time really looking at him that way. He’d always seen the asshole personality Grossaint liked to project.

  Dio made his way over to Grossaint one night and their eyes met. Grossaint almost seemed afraid. Dio cleared his throat.

  “Um. How’s it going?”

  Grossaint shrugged. “’S okay.”

  “You feeling all right?”

  “Why?”

  “Just wondering.”

  “Your nigger buddy really did a number on me.”

  “Hey, be cool, man. I just wanted to check to see if you were all right. And Simon’s no more nigga than you or me. He’s just as much a Mexican as you are.”

  Fear flashed through Grossaint’s eyes. “Who told you?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “You’re . . . you won’t say anything, will you?”

  “Depends.”

  “On what?”

  “If we’re cool or not.”

  Grossaint stared at the deck.

  “We cool or not?” Dio asked, extending his hand. He held it there for what seemed like an eternity until Grossaint finally took it.

  “All right.”

  Dio smiled. If anyone had told him a few months ago that he and Grossaint would be on real speaking terms, he would have called them crazy. But he guessed Louise was right. Miracles do happen.

  It was Thanksgiving time and Jackson had arranged a sort of Thanksgiving meal. It wasn’t turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce or any of that sort of thing, but it was canned hash, Spam, and hard rolls, and even some strawberry jam. Anything was better than nothing.

  The whole thing got Dio thinking about his family and how much he missed them. He wondered how big Daniel was, and if he’d even remember him when he got out.

  Of course he will, Dio thought. It hadn’t been that long. It just felt that long. He wondered if Daniel was staying out of trouble. Dio wasn’t that much older than him when he first got jumped in the gang. He prayed that Jennifer and her family were keeping him busy. If only he had had the chance to have someone keep him busy and out of trouble, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten himself in such a predicament. It wasn’t that he hated everyone in the gang, because he didn’t. He had grown to love them. They were more of a family to him than his own family most of the time, but he knew deep inside, even if he didn’t want to admit it at the time, that they were nothing but trouble.

  It was funny to imagine that almost a year ago, he didn’t think there was a way out of the gang life hellhole he was living. But several months of living at this camp had changed his whole way of thinking.

  Splat! Dio felt the goosh, hard on the back of his head. He reached back with his hand and realized that someone had splattered jam on him. He turned to see Grossaint and his boys snickering. They had taken advantage of the few seconds the officers had turned their heads.

  He’s back, Dio thought.

  Dear Jennifer,

  How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I don’t know if you had the baby yet but I’m guessing if you haven’t you will any minute. I wanted to let you know on this day, and on every day really I think about you always. I think about our time together and how I took it for granted but I think about those days and I play them over and over again in my head.

  I miss you. I know I say that all the time but it’s true. I miss kissing your soft lips. I miss lying next to you, having you in my arms. I miss the touch of your hands and your laugh, that’s what I miss the most.

  I’ve never connected with anybody in my life like I’ve connected to you. In all my years of living the most special times I ever had were being with you. I don’t care if we were sitting in front of the TV watching “Entertainment Tonight” or sitting on the top of the hood of my car looking out at the city. Any time with you was a special time.

  You changed my life. You did. You made such an impact on my life that if I died today I’d be a happy man because I’d been lucky enough to meet you.

  You’re the type of woman, the type of human being that only comes into my life once in a life time. You were a beacon to my soul.

  I love you baby and I can’t wait to be with you.

  Love,

  Dio

  Louise looked at Dio, then went back to putting the canned foods away.

  “How was your Thanksgiving?” Dio asked.

  “That was weeks ago, Dio. You’re a little late.”

  Dio cleared his throat. She sighed and added, “My holiday wasn’t bad. Yours?”

  Dio smiled. He knew she was kidding. “Fantastic. Turkey, stuffing, my relatives flew in from around the country. It was a great old time.”

  She couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, good. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

  “Your girls come in for dinner?”

  “Remarkably, yes. They did.”

  “Good.”

  Dio didn’t know what else to say.

  “Your hair looks nice today,” he added.

  “Don’t you have to get back to your squad?”

  He started to leave, but stopped.

  “You have really helped me a lot, you know.”

  “Huh?”

  “You got me thinking a lot and told me what I should say to Jennifer, and I wanted you to know it meant a lot to me.”

  “Is that all?”

  “And . . . “ Dio scratched his foot on the floor. “And it was real cool of you.”

  “Well, I’m glad you appreciated it.”

  “And . . . I’m sorry.”

  “Ah, the dreaded two words.”

  “I didn’t mean to be such an asshole. I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I was just so . . . I know you don’t believe I’ll get together with Jennifer, but—”

  “I never said that,” she said, putting her cans dow
n. “I just wanted you to . . . I don’t want you to be hurt. I don’t want you to be let down. And I want you to be with Jennifer, God knows I want that for you. I just care about you too much, Dio. That’s all.”

  “I know. Care about you, too,” he added.

  “Thank you.”

  “I mean it.”

  “Well, I mean it, too.”

  “Any plans for Christmas?”

  “Thought about going out of town, actually, for a couple of weeks with my husband.”

  “So things are turning out okay for you two?”

  She smiled. “We’re working on it. We’re working on it. He ain’t perfect, Lord knows he ain’t, but . . . you know.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “How’s she doing? Do you know?”

  Dio cleared his throat and pulled out a stack of envelopes—all of his letters to Jennifer, postmarked, and labeled “Return to Sender.”

  “Oh, my God,” Louise gasped.

  Dio shrugged. “Her mom must have found out she was writing. Didn’t let her get them.”

  Louise shuffled through the stack and hugged him.

  “Everything will turn out, you’ll see,” she said.

  “Yeah,” he answered.

  “I’m kind of glad you came by, actually, ’cause, see . . . I’m leaving in a few weeks, for good.”

  “What?”

  “Well, I got to thinking, about what you said, about me and my own dreams and why I didn’t finish college and . . . well, I decided I’m going to. I’m enrolling this January at the community college. My husband’s going to help me out.”

  “Well, that’s . . . that’s great. I’m happy for you. I am.”

  She smiled from ear to ear. “Guess I might become a shrink after all.” She laughed.

  Dio stepped away. “Gonna miss you.”

  “Gonna miss you, too.”

  She teared up, but sniffed her tears away. “You can contact me any time. I’m in the phone book.”

  “Thanks. I . . . better get going.”

  “Yeah, you better.”

  Dio started for the door, but then stopped.

  “Louise?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Mind if I call you Mom?”

  Her tears welled up again.

  “Any time.”

  It was unusually quiet in the hooch as Jackson paced back and forth, distributing Christmas mail to the trainees. It seemed like just about everyone got a card, except Dio and Grossaint. Evidently, Grossaint’s hopes to be reunited with his family for Christmas hadn’t panned out. In fact, as far as Dio knew, he hadn’t even heard from his brother in months.

  Everyone was in a festive mood. It was a quiet mood, but Dio could feel their excitement. A trainee quietly hummed “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Dio stared out the window. Frost clung to the desert; there was nothing but a blanket of clouds in the distance.

  Dio looked around at everyone. It seemed like they all felt sorry for Dio and Grossaint because they hadn’t gotten anything. Grossaint passed the time by making fun of people with his boys, making little remarks. Jackson passed out the last of his mail and left the hooch.

  Wow, not even a card from my mom, Dio thought.

  He knew he had really blown it the last time he saw her, but he only hoped that maybe she’d forgiven him by now.

  I guess not.

  Dio had even written cards for Daniel, his mom, and, of course, Jennifer, and yet . . .

  “Radigez!” Jackson called.

  Dio looked up as Jackson tossed him a letter.

  “I dropped it outside.”

  It was from Jennifer.

  “Sir, thank you, sir.”

  Jackson smiled as he watched from the corner. He wouldn’t miss this for the world.

  Dio ripped open the envelope and smelled it. It still smelled like her perfume. He pulled the letter out and a little pocket picture popped out. It was a picture of a beautiful baby girl and a chocolate candy. Dio smiled with pride.

  Merry Christmas Dio,

  I know it’s been a long time since we talked. But I figured it was Christmas time and I wanted you to know that our baby is fine. She was born on November 11th and her name is Crystal Dione Rodríguez. The Dio part in Dione is for you. She was 7 pounds 4 ounces and she’s got your eyes. Ojos sonrientes we call her.

  You mom came to visit her last week. I’ve never seen her so happy before. She had tears in her eyes and everything. Wait ’til you see your mijita Dio. She’s so beautiful.

  I know it’s been a long time, but I’ve needed time to think. For the longest time I was just angry. Not just about the letter but angry at myself for being angry. And angry at myself for moving on some of the choices I’ve made in my past. And of course carrying the baby, while going to school and stuff hasn’t been easy too. But I’ve been doing a lot of recording actually. We found this studio that’s really cheap and even some big time rap artists recorded there. I have a demo now Dio. I finally have a demo just like we talked about. I would have included the CD but I know they probably won’t let you listen to stuff there.

  Daniel’s doing so well. He misses you though. Your whole family does and he even has a calendar in his room where he marks off the days until you’ll graduate. It’s so funny, like they say out of the mouths of babes . . . We were all at church yesterday for mass. (I lit a candle for you by the way.) And he was all sad and I asked him why and he said cause Desiree’s still mad at him. And I said, “Well I know she’s my sister but any girlfriend that can’t forgive you after all this time, isn’t worth it.” And he said to me, “You mean like you and Dio?” I was shocked at first, then I laughed. He’s so smart. Anyway it seems all is good between him and Desiree. She’s forgiven him and they’re off to their normal holding hands one minute and peliando over who’s going to play with their Playstation the next. God it brings back memories.

  Anyway, that got me thinking about us. And for the longest time I’ve carried so much rage cause to me you had this chain around my heart that I couldn’t release. Then I realized I had the key to the lock all along and I didn’t feel so bad.

  So many things have happened to us Dio. So much has changed since you’ve been gone. It’s like I don’t even know that person I was before. It’s like I’m a totally different person. My life has turned around for the positive 180 degrees. I’m a mother now Dio, and it’s not a hassle like I thought it would be. I mean it’s not easy either. I have a lot of help from family, but Crystal brings me so much joy. More joy than singing ever did. I’m not saying I’m giving up my dream cause I’m not. As soon as I lose some of this baby weight I’m going out on auditions again. But I’ve matured and I know what’s really important to me. And now I have more inspiration for singing than ever.

  I know you have graduation coming up and I’m so proud of you. I guess what I’m trying to say is just like Angel my friends say, “Sometimes you’ve just got to realize all the mistakes you’ve made in your life and sometimes you’ve got to just let

  Rip! Dio looked up. Before he could do anything about it, Grossaint had grabbed his letter and picture and ripped the letter to shreds. He even laughed as he was doing it.

  “What the—?” Dio said.

  “Was getting bare in here,” Grossaint said. “Figured we needed some Christmas decorations.” And he tossed the letter pieces in the air.

  Everyone froze, wondering what Dio was going to do next.

  Even Grossaint’s boys didn’t laugh. He took one look at the baby’s picture and grimaced. “Ugh. It’s ugly. What happened to it?” He laughed.

  “Give it back. That’s my only—” Dio demanded.

  But Grossaint tore the picture up, too.

  “Fuckin’ spics breed like roaches.”

  Dio’s lips got tighter. He squinted. He stormed over to Grossaint, fuming. Finally he tapped Grossaint on the shoulder and when Grossaint turned around . . . he handed him the piece of chocolate.

  “Merry Christmas,” Dio said, an
d he walked away.

  Grossaint was stunned. He opened his hand and looked at the chocolate like it was the best gift he had ever received. Dio swore he even saw his eyes water.

  “Officer on deck!” someone yelled.

  Grossaint looked up as Jackson got in his face.

  “What in the hell is going on here, Grossaint?” Jackson yelled.

  “I . . . I . . .”

  “Destroying personal property?”

  “I . . . I . . .”

  “Can’t keep your hands off other people’s property, can you, Grossaint?”

  “Sir, I . . . I . . .”

  “I—I—I. Is that all you gotta say, Grossaint? I . . . I . . . ? What’s the seventh general rule?”

  “Sir . . . trainees shall not touch the property of others without the—but, sir—”

  “Sir, I specifically saw Trainee Grossaint tearing up Trainee Radigez’s personal property,” Franklin said.

  “Shut up,” Grossaint snapped.

  One by one, everyone in the squad repeated what Franklin had said.

  “I’ll do the shutting up around here, Grossaint. Come with me,” Jackson said, grabbing Grossaint by the collar.

  It was a little nippy that day, but the sun was bright. Dio stood proudly onstage with the other graduates-to-be. The horns played loudly to a large crowd of family and friends. Dio looked pretty snazzy in his graduate uniform.

  All the squads were there, from beginners to the last level. Among the beginners, in a dark suit, Grossaint was forced to watch.

  Jackson seemed nervous at the podium. “It’s been a long time coming for these trainees. Many of them have very colorful backgrounds, but they’ve come a long way. Likely farther than many of them ever believed they could. We pushed them, yes, we did, but only to show them they could go beyond what they thought was possible. Beyond their own boundaries to new heights.”

  Jackson put his speech cards away and looked at them all with a sparkle in his eyes.

  “These boys, these men, probably have more fighting spirit than I’ve ever seen.”

  Dio was happy that this day had finally come, but he couldn’t help but be distracted by the crowd. Jennifer had to be among the crowd somewhere, and he wondered what she was thinking right now. He couldn’t wait to see her after this.