Down Too Deep

by Daniels, J.

  “What about every other day?” I asked, studying her closely.

  A faint smile played at her lips. “Nathan…”

  “I love you.”

  Her mouth went slack.

  I backed away from the door. “Good night, Jenna.”

  She was slow to respond. “Good night,” she said, watching me descend the stairs.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  JENNA

  I squinted, shielding my eyes from the sun, as the large Greyhound bus pulled up in front of Dogwood Beach Community Center. Oliver’s Boy Scout troop was lined up along the sidewalk, fathers and sons loaded up with gear. Everyone was ready for the camping trip.

  “Bus leaves in ten!” one of the troop leaders announced.

  Families shuffled about, taking pictures. Nearly every mother had her phone out.

  I glanced around the parking lot. Come on. Please…

  “Do you wanna get in line?” Brian asked Oliver.

  We stood a few feet away from the group with all of Oliver’s gear at our feet.

  “Not yet.” Oliver checked the compass watch my brother had given him, then peered around me. He adjusted his hat, lifting the brim to see a little better.

  “Maybe you should grab your stuff,” I said quietly to Brian, but not quietly enough.

  Oliver glared at me as he straightened up. “He’s coming, Mom. He said he’s coming.”

  “He’s still got time,” my brother mumbled from beside me.

  I slowly peered up at him, shocked to hear those words come out of his mouth. I’d asked Brian to be our backup tonight, just in case. My brother was in no way 100 percent positive Nathan was showing up. I could tell when we spoke about it over the phone. Now he was holding out hope right along with my son?

  Okay. Weird.

  I hadn’t seen Nathan since Wednesday night, but I had spoken to him. He’d texted and called throughout the day. He’d spoken to the kids. He’d told me repeatedly how much he wanted to see us, knowing I needed the reminder without me having to say it.

  My heart was cautious now, but it was still my heart.

  Nathan had assured me yesterday and this morning that he would be here. He’d sent me a text two hours ago, letting me know he was dropping Marley off with his parents and then he’d be on his way. He’d given me every guarantee.

  I was terrified to see him. I was even more terrified he wouldn’t show up.

  Gravel popped and cracked loudly behind me. Someone was pulling into the lot.

  “Nate!” Oliver stepped over so he could be seen and waved his arm in the air. He wore the biggest smile on this face.

  Peering over my shoulder, I watched Nathan park his truck.

  “Bet traffic was bad,” Brian said. “It is Friday night.”

  Again, I slowly peered up at my brother.

  Arms pulled across his chest, he smirked at me. “I’m just sayin’.”

  I felt my forehead wrinkle. What the hell is happening right now?

  “See, Mom? I told you he’d be here. I told you.” Oliver stepped around his gear and got beside me. “Nate! Do you need any help?” he yelled.

  “Nah, bud, I got it!”

  I turned sideways and watched Nathan walk across the lot, carrying a coiled sleeping bag and the large black duffle he had with him on the Fourth. He wore military-green cargo shorts and a white Fighting Irish shirt that looked well loved. The writing and logo were faded. I wondered if he’d had it since college. I pictured Nathan wearing it after practice or a game. His muscles and abs covered in sweat…the material clinging.

  Oh my God, Jenna. Stop it.

  “Hey.” Nathan greeted the group when he reached us, his gaze lingering on me. “Sorry. Two of my servers called in sick right when I was about to leave. I got Tori to handle it, and then I hit the worst traffic.”

  “Told you,” Brian mumbled under his breath.

  I barely heard him. I was too busy focusing on the fact that Nathan had a work issue and still made sure he could be here. No matter what, he wouldn’t have missed this.

  “You’re not late or anything,” Oliver was quick to say.

  Nathan set his duffle next to the gear and bumped fists with Oliver before extending a hand to Brian. “How’s it going?”

  “Good. You?”

  “Good.” Nathan’s eyes slid to mine as their handshake ended. He gently smiled at me. “Didn’t think I’d show?”

  I shrugged and was about to tell him I wholeheartedly feared it—what did I care if he knew?—but Brian spoke up first.

  “I wanted to drop off that watch for him.” My brother tipped his chin at Oliver.

  “Check it out. It’s got a compass.” Oliver stood in front of Nathan and tapped the face. “It’s cool, right?”

  “Yeah. It’s very cool.” Nathan looked over at me. I looked over at Brian. Brian smirked.

  What the hell? Is he in love with Nathan now too?

  The Scout leader hollered above the crowd, advising everyone to load up onto the bus.

  “Come on, Nate. Hurry. We gotta go.” Oliver grabbed his gear, carrying as much as he could over to the sidewalk while Nathan bent down and unzipped his duffle.

  He pulled out his hat and slid it on. Backward, of course.

  I refused to look at him. Fully, anyway. I did, however, have one helluva peripheral view.

  Nathan carried the rest of Oliver’s stuff, a backpack and two canteens, and stood with him in line. I walked over with my phone, the camera mode ready, and bit my lip when Oliver turned his hat around to match Nathan. The line moved up and up as people loaded.

  “Get together,” I instructed. “One quick picture before you guys go.”

  Nathan stood next to Oliver with his hand on his shoulder and the gear at their feet. Their smiles matched now too.

  I took the picture. “Want to do one more?”

  “Mom, we gotta go,” Oliver said, hurrying to snatch up his gear.

  I walked along the curb beside them, rattling off reminders to Oliver, mainly things about safety, which I was sure were being ignored and were probably unnecessary anyway, but I couldn’t help it. Before he hopped onto the bus, I pulled him into a hug and kissed him.

  “Mom!” He groaned, leaning away.

  “Sorry.” I laughed. “I love you. Have a great time, okay?”

  Oliver hustled onto the bus. He dragged his backpack up the steps.

  “Do I get a send-off like that? Because I want one.” Nathan paused at the door. He looked so fucking good—the eyes, the jaw, that neck of his. Ugh.

  I fought a smile, along with my heart’s desire to hug him and hold on. “Thank you for taking him.”

  “Thank you for letting me.”

  “Come on, Nate!” Oliver yelled out a window.

  I waved at him as he stepped onto the bus, and then I walked away. I almost told him to call me and check in later, but Oliver would be fine. He would be more than fine.

  I stood beside my brother and watched the bus pull out of the parking lot and drive down the street. I was feeling all kinds of things I could easily acknowledge and other things I couldn’t yet name.

  “How long are you gonna fight this guy?” Brian asked.

  “You warned me about moving too fast and you questioned all the time I let the kids spend with him. Since when are you pro-Nathan?”

  Brian looked over at me. “Since he showed up for your son.”

  * * *

  It was just after eleven that night when my phone rang.

  I rolled over and untangled my arm from the satin sheet. I held the lit screen above me, smiling at the caller. I had been hoping to hear from him.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. Did I wake you?” Nathan asked.

  Behind his voice, I could hear a cricket chirp. I pictured him surrounded by woods and the darkened sky above sprinkled with stars.

  “No. I wasn’t asleep yet. It usually takes me a while when nobody’s here.”

  “Olivia isn’t there?”
/>
  “She’s at a friend’s house.” I boosted my pillow higher underneath my head and pulled the sheet up to my neck. “She was jealous of your campout, so I told her she could have a sleepover tonight. I think she’s still jealous though. She’s dying to make s’mores with you.”

  “Well, I am pretty awesome at it.”

  “How’s Oliver? Is he having fun?”

  “Oh yeah. He’s having a blast. He’s asleep right now.” I heard sticks snapping. “I just left him in the tent. He made me promise we’d stay up all night and then he passed out about five minutes after saying that.”

  I laughed quietly. “What all did you guys do? Did you do the archery stuff? Oliver was looking forward to that.”

  “Yeah, that was cool. He’s really good at it too. We showed up this kid and his dad who were next to us. They both sucked.” Nathan laughed. “Uh, besides that, we learned how to kill a bear.”

  “What?”

  “Nah, I’m kidding. That would’ve been cool though. We went out in canoes for a while and fished. Then some guy showed us how to start a fire without matches, which is something I already knew how to do. Oliver made sure everyone here was very aware of that fact. I think he even reminded them after dinner.”

  I smiled and flexed my calves against the sheet. “Has anyone asked who you are to him?”

  “No.” Nathan sounded disappointed admitting that. “But I am getting looks, which is weird. Like, who gives a fuck? I’m ready though. Nobody better say a damn thing to Oliver. I’ll throw all of their shit into the lake.”

  I cracked up, hand to my mouth. I couldn’t help it.

  Muffled voices came through the line. “Oh. Sorry, man,” Nathan said. “My bad. I thought everyone was asleep.”

  “You’re going to get banned from future campouts,” I warned. I was grinning now.

  “Probably.” He chuckled, his voice growing soft. “I hope not. Oliver’s really into this.”

  He was, but Nathan was having a good time too. I could tell. He could’ve said he was really into it and he chose not to. Nathan made it about my son.

  I closed my eyes and breathed.

  “I should get off here before I get him thrown out of Scouts,” he said.

  “Okay.” I stared at my bedroom ceiling. “Thanks for calling me.”

  “Do you need anything?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know—you’re alone. I know you don’t like it.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I know you. And I can tell…I’ll stay on the line with you if you want. I could walk farther into the woods so I’m not around anybody. I’ll probably get murdered, but—”

  “Oh God.” I rolled my eyes and giggled.

  “I’ll just get back in the tent, but seriously, Jenna, I can drain my battery. Do you want me to stay on the line? What do you need?”

  What do you need, Nathan? The memory echoed inside my head.

  “Déjà vu. Remember?” I smiled.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “On the phone that night when I wanted you to give me permission to ignore my brother, you said you didn’t need anything when I asked you.”

  Nathan was silent for a moment.

  “I didn’t—I was talking to you.”

  “Ask me again.”

  “What do you need, Jenna?”

  I pictured Oliver in the tent fast asleep and gave my answer.

  “Right now? Nothing.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  NATHAN

  Six Days Later

  Daddy, I get ’nother one?”

  “Yep.” I stood from my desk, tearing free another Post-it note, and took it over to Marley, who was seated in the middle of the office with her play gate around her.

  Marley took the neon yellow paper and stuck it on her foot, giggling.

  Hair. Face. Arms. Legs. She was covered in fluorescent squares.

  I didn’t give a shit. Marley could go through every Post-it note I had in here if she wanted to.

  She was smiling, and I knew most of that happiness came from her contentment to stay in the same room with me for longer than two minutes now and not for my office supplies. Marley wanted to be around me. She liked coming here. She didn’t get to do it often.

  Since Jenna stopped watching her, my parents had picked up two days a week. They never minded helping out, as long as that was all they were doing. I was with Marley the most. I wasn’t working nearly as much now, thanks to Tori, so I got a lot of time with her at home. I wanted to be with her as much as I could.

  Marley was happy, but she missed Jenna and the kids. She asked about them constantly. She hadn’t seen them since that Thursday. That was two weeks ago.

  I was still trying to fix things with Jenna, and I saw her and her kids as much as she allowed, but I hadn’t involved Marley in that yet. I didn’t know if it would look like I was trying to use my daughter as a pawn, since I knew Jenna loved her. Maybe I was worrying for nothing, but it was important to me that Jenna knew where my dependence on her stemmed from.

  I needed her for me. My daughter needed her for her. There was a difference.

  It was getting difficult keeping them apart though. Marley’s happiness meant more than my own. I hated denying it.

  “Daddy, more? I get some?”

  I tore off another square and took it to her, returning to my desk just as my cell rang. I accepted the call without looking at the screen. I was too busy looking at Marley.

  “Yeah, this is Nathan.”

  “Hi, Nate.”

  Olivia’s voice in my ear spread warmth throughout my chest and down my limbs. This was her first time calling me.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” I lowered myself into the chair. “How are you?”

  “Good.”

  “How’s your brother?”

  “He’s good. We’re going to the movies tonight.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  I wondered how much Oliver and Olivia had to beg for Jenna to take them, but then I stopped wondering because I knew Jenna. I doubt she made them beg much at all.

  “That sounds fun,” I told her.

  “It’s going to be, for sure. But”—her voice grew quiet—“remember when you said you’d take me out on a date, and then I said we could go to the movies? Remember that?”

  I smiled, catching my head in my hand. “Yes, I remember.”

  “Well, could this be our date?” Olivia was whispering now. “Can you come with Marley? You can meet us there. Mom said we’re leaving in one hour. Can you leave in one hour too?”

  Olivia was keeping her voice down because she didn’t want Jenna knowing what she was asking me. That was obvious. She was worried her mom would tell her no, and I wanted to tell her yes. I could swing getting there in an hour, no problem. I was finishing up for the night anyway.

  “Liv, we should probably ask your mom if I can come,” I said. “Can you ask her?”

  I sat forward then, hunching over the desk. The muscles in my back went rigid. Now I was suddenly worried. My plans for the night were set, in my opinion. I wanted to go with them. I wanted us all to be together.

  “She likes surprises, Nate. Let’s just surprise her.”

  “She might not like this surprise.”

  “No, she will. I know she will. She wants to see Marley. She told me that when I asked her why she was so sad yesterday…”

  My hand tightened around the phone. “She was sad yesterday?”

  “Uh-huh. And she was super quiet. I knew something was up.”

  I hung my head and rubbed at my neck, my eyes closing as I inhaled. Fuck, that bothered me. Jenna needed this—she needed to be around my daughter. And maybe she would eventually ask to see Marley while she still made up her mind about me, but I couldn’t wait for that.

  I wouldn’t make her wait for it.

  * * *

  I finished up at work and drove straight to the theater.

  I wanted to beat J
enna there. Olivia had told me what they were seeing before she briskly disconnected the call, too excited to stay on the phone any longer.

  After I purchased the tickets, I waited with Marley and watched the doors.

  The kids walked inside first, spotting us right away and waving, hurrying over.

  Marley pushed against me until I let her down. She shouted for Oliver and Olivia and made little squeals of excitement. She hugged them both, clinging to Oliver’s leg and making him laugh. And when Jenna walked inside, Marley ran at her.

  Jenna looked shocked to see us for all of a solid second, and for that second it was me she looked at. Then it was Marley and only Marley who made her move nearer, drawing her away from the doors and farther inside the building. It was Marley who put the smile on Jenna’s face and the tears in her eyes I noticed when I got close enough.

  “Surprise!” Olivia yelled, giggling with her hands on her cheeks.

  Jenna heard her. I knew she did—Olivia was loud and the lobby wasn’t that busy—but Jenna was caught up. She was holding Marley and kissing her face, telling her how much she missed her and how big she looked. How pretty. She hugged her like it had been longer since they’d last hugged. Jenna didn’t react at first to Olivia or to Oliver when he asked her if she was surprised. She didn’t even react to me when I told them I’d already purchased everyone’s tickets, which was something she most likely would have disputed.

  In her eyes, we still weren’t together. She’d fight me on passing this off like it was a date. Especially with her kids here.

  Little did she know, Olivia saw this as exactly that.

  But Jenna was in her moment with Marley, so she couldn’t react. And that was something she needed right now. They both did. My daughter wouldn’t let her go.

  “Let’s get our snacks,” Olivia suggested, tugging on my hand.

  I walked with her and her brother to the concession stand and bought popcorn, candy, and drinks: soda for the rest of us and a juice box for Marley. Jenna waited by the kid who took our tickets. She watched us, looking at me like I’d just given her something.