Down Too Deep

by Daniels, J.

  “Hey,” she said when I walked over.

  “Hi.” I’m sorry. I missed you. I love you. I need you.

  We smiled at each other.

  If Jenna was thinking this wasn’t a good idea yet, she didn’t let that on. She followed the kids down the hallway, passing the theaters, and kept at my side. She didn’t question what I was doing here. Maybe she couldn’t while she held on to Marley. I knew what I wanted to believe. That despite her own reservations and her worry, she wanted us together right now.

  She wanted us together.

  I held the tub of popcorn in the crook of my arm to free up my hand. Then I pulled the hat out of my back pocket, flicked it open to fix the brim, and handed it over to Jenna before we entered the theater. The twins were already inside.

  “What’s this for?” Jenna asked suspiciously.

  “Lice.”

  Her eyes widened as she pulled her lips between her teeth.

  “Oh, I know all about your phobia, you big weirdo.”

  She laughed loudly, head tipping back. “I’m assuming Olivia told you about that since Oliver was too embarrassed. I would like to add, this is not the theater we went to that one time.”

  “Still, I’m surprised you’re not prepared.”

  “Honestly? I wasn’t planning to sit back at all.”

  “Edge of the seat for two hours?” My brow cocked. “Sounds uncomfortable.”

  “Or I would’ve stood. I was still debating.”

  I chuckled and tipped my chin at the hat. “Now you can sit with her.”

  Jenna pressed her lips to Marley’s temple and cupped the back of her head. “I’m going to put you down for two seconds, okay? Maybe three. Can you count for me?” She set Marley on her feet.

  “Oneee,” Marley dragged out slowly with her finger raised in front of her face.

  “Keep going,” Jenna encouraged. She tucked her hair into the hat and pulled the brim over her eyes before Marley got to three. “Good job counting, baby.” Jenna picked her up again and kissed her.

  “You look good,” I said, admiring the hat. It was too big for her and hung over her ears, but she looked cute.

  Jenna gazed at me after I spoke like she wanted to say something in return. Then she moved quickly inside the theater.

  “Not as good as you do.”

  Her compliment stopped me mid-stride. I grinned in the doorway. “What was that?” I called out at her back before breaking into a quick pace. I reached her before she turned the corner to the rows of seating and whispered against her ear, “I love you.”

  Jenna’s step faltered, but she recovered without a word or a glance back and rounded the corner, climbing the levels and squeezing down the row. She took her seat next to Oliver. Marley relaxed in her lap.

  I sat beside Olivia when she patted the seat on the end.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey. Ready for our date?”

  She nodded fast and beamed at me.

  We divvied up drinks out of the carrier and passed the bucket of popcorn back and forth down the row. The lights dimmed for previews, and when the movie started and the theater darkened even more, Jenna looked over at me.

  I knew because I was already looking.

  The movie kept the twins engaged throughout and Marley for close to half. An hour in, she was passed out on Jenna’s chest and stirred awake only when the lights came back on and the crowd stretched and spoke.

  I waited for Jenna while Oliver and Olivia walked ahead, giving their opinions of the movie to each other and discussing the plot. From what I gathered, they both enjoyed it.

  Jenna met me at the door with Marley sound asleep again. Head on her shoulder and eyes closed.

  “Do you want me to take her?” I asked. We walked down the hallway together.

  Jenna hugged Marley against her chest. “Not yet.”

  Not yet. Not ever, I thought. I wondered if she thought that too.

  “Guys! Check out this rain!” Olivia waved us over to where she and Oliver stood at the entrance doors. “It’s a monsoon!”

  Jenna and I glanced at each other and then at the people around us, the ones who had just arrived for their show and stood in line to purchase tickets. Water dripped down their faces and nearly soaked their hair. Their clothing clung. Everyone chatted about how suddenly the storm had hit.

  “It came out of nowhere!” one woman proclaimed. “We left our umbrellas at home. We had no idea it was supposed to rain.”

  “Same with us!” the lady in front of her said.

  I stepped up to the glass front and peered outside. Jenna got up beside me.

  “Oh my God,” she muttered.

  The rain was heavy and thick. It pounded against the pavement and puddled in areas like it had been coming down for hours. A steady stream flowed in front of the sidewalk and curled around a bend.

  “This is crazy,” Jenna said. She jolted when thunder cracked above the building. A streak of lightning lit up the sky.

  “It’s a monsoon, right?” Olivia asked.

  “It’s just a storm,” I said.

  “I bet it’s a tornado.” Oliver had his hands cupped to the glass and was peering between them. “Probably suck us up.”

  Olivia’s eyes snapped to him. “What?” She looked panicked.

  “Oliver,” Jenna said in a warning tone.

  “It could be, Mom. Tornados suck people up. It’s what they do.”

  “It’s not a tornado.” I got beside Olivia and rubbed her shoulder. “It’s just a storm. We can wait it out.”

  “That could be a while,” Oliver said. “It’s not stopping or slowing down. And that river is getting bigger.” He pressed his finger to the glass and pointed at the stream.

  I looked over at Jenna. “What do you want to do?”

  She bit her lip, thinking. “Mm. I’m not sure. I’m a little worried the roads will just get worse with standing water if we don’t leave soon.”

  “Your drive home shouldn’t be bad,” I said, thinking of her route. “It’s all major highways. No back roads or anything that could flood.”

  “Yeah.” Her gaze moved to the glass.

  Jenna’s hesitation was obvious. She watched the rain like she really was anticipating getting sucked up into the sky.

  “Why don’t you let me drive you home?” I suggested. “Just leave your car here for the night.”

  “Or we can all go to Nate’s house.” Olivia slowly grinned.

  Nice.

  “No, we should really get home,” Jenna was quick to say. She slid her gaze to mine and softened her dismissal of Olivia’s suggestion with a smile. “Could you drop us off? That would be great.”

  “Yeah, of course. No problem.” I dug out my keys. “Let me pull the truck up.”

  I opened one of the doors and stepped outside.

  The rain was cold and pelted against my head and shoulders on my run to the truck. I slid in the driver’s seat and wiped water from my face, removing my glasses and keeping them off for now. I pulled off my tie, tossed it up onto the dash, and slicked my hair back. Then I started the truck and pulled up to the curb. The twins ran outside and laughed into the night as the rain hit them.

  I met them at the door, taking Marley from Jenna so she could get in the truck herself. Marley roused awake and whined a little. I shielded her face, got her secured in her seat, and gave Olivia a boost after Oliver got in on his own. The back of my shirt was drenched by the time I got around to the driver’s side.

  “Nate, you look like you’ve been swimming.” Olivia giggled.

  “Yeah?” I peered at her in the rearview. Water dripped down my face. “I feel like it.”

  “Thanks to you, my hair is mostly dry.” Jenna pulled off the hat, smiling at me as her dark hair toppled down her back and over her shoulder. “And lice free,” she murmured.

  I chuckled, slipping the hat on myself, and began to unbutton my shirt. I stripped it off and tossed it in the back, leaving on the white shirt I wo
re underneath. It was barely damp. I looked over at Jenna when I was finished.

  She blinked and looked ahead as if something had suddenly grabbed her attention. Following her lead, I peered out the rain-splattered windshield. Even with my headlights on, nothing stood out.

  Something outside hadn’t grabbed her attention. I’d had it. Jenna wanted to look at me and look longer than she would allow. I felt us moving closer to being us again, and I was smiling as I pulled away from the curb.

  We talked on the drive—me, Jenna, and the twins—as I carefully navigated the roads. Marley had fallen asleep soon after we turned out of the theater parking lot. The conversation lingered on the film and I had fuck-all to add. I’d watched Jenna through most of the movie. I couldn’t help myself.

  Everyone was laughing at something I had said when I parked in front of Jenna’s apartment building. If someone had asked me to repeat myself, I wouldn’t have been able to. I suddenly couldn’t remember details of our discussion.

  We were here, and our evening was over.

  Something that felt close to panic moved inside my chest. I didn’t want this to be done yet. We’d had a great time together tonight. I wanted to stay with them or for them to stay with me. I wanted to bottle up their sounds. In a minute, I would no longer have them.

  “Here, Oliver.” Jenna handed him her keys. “You guys need to run for it. I’ll be up in a minute.”

  Olivia was giggling, excited for the opportunity to run out in the rain again. “Come on, Ollie.” She opened her door.

  “Bye, Nate,” Oliver said.

  “Bye!” his sister echoed as she climbed out of the truck.

  I blinked when two doors slammed, snapping out of it, and watched them through the windshield.

  Oliver and Olivia dashed under the rain and up the stairs. They disappeared inside the building.

  That panic moved again, spreading itself out underneath my ribs.

  “Thank you for paying for everything tonight. You didn’t need to do that, Nathan.”

  I peered over at Jenna after she spoke.

  I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t quite describe what it was. It felt like everything and nothing.

  I knew I’d see her and the kids tomorrow night at that party her brother was having. I felt shitty right now for no real reason. Jenna loved her surprise tonight. I was fixing this.

  “Jenna.”

  It was too dark in the truck to see her eyes, but I didn’t miss the little part in her lips when I said her name. Maybe it was the way I had said it that had her touching my arm and leaning over the center console to kiss me. Or maybe it was a culmination of things. It had to be anything but how I was looking at her, because if I couldn’t see her eyes, how could she see the fucking misery in mine?

  The kiss was meant to feel like we were starting over and getting somewhere. It should’ve felt like I was getting Jenna back, because I was. I knew I was. She was kissing me, for fuck’s sake. But that strange sensation underneath my bones spread out and out and out. It unnerved me. Our kiss began to feel desperate. I held Jenna’s face and pressed firmer against her mouth. I kissed her deeper. Longer. I moaned against her tongue.

  I kissed her like I didn’t want this to end, yet no matter what I did, it was ending.

  Then Jenna put her hand on my chest and pulled away from me before we took it too far or too fast. She shyly dipped her head as she sank against the leather, and then she was telling me good night and fleeing the truck.

  I drove home surrounded by silence, to a house that was too quiet to endure. I laid Marley in her crib and then I paced. I felt tense and unsettled. I couldn’t shake this feeling.

  I wanted to drive back to Jenna’s. I wanted her here. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t deal with this shit tonight. I was fine waiting this out, waiting her out. So what the fuck?

  I pulled out my phone as I took a seat on the couch and dialed her number. The rain barely made a sound outside. The storm was passing.

  “Hey,” Jenna answered on the second ring. “What are you doing?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  She must’ve heard something in my voice, because hers rose with concern. “Is everything okay?”

  “No.” My answer poured out of my mouth.

  “Is it Marley? Is she sick?”

  “No. It’s me.” Hunched over, I rubbed at my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time right now…I don’t know.”

  “Was it that dream? Did you have it again?”

  “No.” I brusquely laughed. “I couldn’t sleep right now if I tried.”

  A door quietly latched shut. “What is it, then? What’s going on?”

  “Jenna, I did not want to say goodbye to you guys tonight.”

  For a moment it was only her breath in my ear. And then she told me, “Okay,” but I heard her encouragement. Keep going.

  “It fucked with me…I don’t know why. I just hated coming home without you.”

  Again, she paused. I worried she misinterpreted my motive.

  “Look, I don’t want you to think I’m telling you this to try to rush you—I’m not. I know we’re taking this slow and you’re still feeling me out…”

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does. I’m not pushing you.” I spoke clearer and louder, my voice loosening.

  “Telling me how you’re feeling wouldn’t push me, Nathan. I want you to share things with me.”

  “I am. That’s what I’m doing.” Holy shit, it was. And it was simple. I blinked and let her in.

  My head pressed into the cushion when I sank back. I stared at the ceiling. “I needed you to know how I felt. That’s why I called.”

  “I’m really happy you did. I’m glad you told me.”

  I knew she needed this. I didn’t hesitate to call for that very reason, when weeks ago, I would’ve. But the threat of losing Jenna that motivated me now was twofold. It was significant, and I didn’t think she understood that yet. How could she? I hadn’t told her.

  “Are you going to be okay?” she asked.

  “I’m scared out of my fucking mind of losing you,” I said as my answer.

  I heard a mattress squeak and pictured Jenna sitting on her bed. “You say that like you don’t know we end up together. I thought you did?”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  I knew the moment it all clicked for her—the impact of her understanding—it shuddered her breath.

  “Nathan, you wouldn’t lose me,” she said quietly.

  “You can’t say that. I don’t need you to say that—I’m okay with being scared. I just needed you to know…Being with you, it became something I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t understand it at first. I didn’t know it could be like this. But it’s you, and it’s your kids…it’s us together, all of us. I need it.”

  “God, Nathan…”

  “Listen, I can wait. I want you to be sure of this, Jenna, because I am so fucking sure of it. But I don’t want to be without you and those kids tonight. Or tomorrow night. And that’s something I’m going to continue to feel right along with being terrified of losing you.”

  Quiet sniffles came through the line.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Oh my God, I’m so angry right now,” she whispered. “You have no idea.”

  Angry? “Why?”

  “This stupid storm. If I had my car, I would come over there…”

  I lifted my head off the back of the couch. “You would?”

  “Yes. And now I can’t because of this weather. And because you’re this amazing man. You drove me home and now I’m fucked.”

  I laughed. Jenna rarely cursed.

  “Could you come here?” she asked in the sweetest fucking voice, like it would kill her if I couldn’t.

  I dropped my head back again. “Fuck,” I rasped. “Marley is out cold. I’d have to wake her.”

  “Oh, don’t do that. Let her sleep.”
/>   “I can’t believe you’re telling me you’d come over.”

  Her response was immediate. “You need us, Nathan. Why wouldn’t I?”

  I closed my eyes. Jesus, that felt good to hear. “I’m really glad I called you.”

  “Me too,” she quietly replied. “Do you want to talk more?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Pretend I’m there and talk to me.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll fall asleep anytime soon,” I responded. I could talk to her all night. She would need to be the one to end this call.

  “Talk to me, Nathan.”

  With her voice in my ear, I did. And again, it was so fucking simple.

  I blinked and let her in.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  JENNA

  My heart had become its own protector. It let me love, but it held me back. It hoped, just like it always did, but it wouldn’t believe anymore in the certainty of what I was feeling. With every wish it allowed, it whispered caution behind it. Be careful. You know how I can break.

  Now I could feel my locked heart unlocking. It reached out again for love without restraint, and after all the things Nathan was doing to prove he was ready to be with me, all the ways he was fixing it, after everything he shared last night—how could I not be sure of this?

  And if I was sure, then what was I waiting for?

  I thought back to that morning in my kitchen when he kissed me in front of Oliver and Olivia for the first time. “Come on,” he’d spoken against my lips.

  I’m coming, I promised.

  Butterflies danced in my stomach as I parked in front of Jamie and Tori’s house the following night. The anticipation of seeing Nathan here sent a thrill through my body. We’d texted earlier while he was at work, and it had killed me not to tell him then how I was feeling, but I knew doing it in person would feel so much better.

  I wanted to see him and say it.

  Vehicles lined the driveway and filled in parts of the grass in front of the large beach house Jamie owned and lived in with Tori, but I didn’t see Nathan’s truck anywhere yet. I wondered what time he was closing Whitecaps for this. I hadn’t asked.

  Closing Whitecaps for a party…so strange.