Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  A: I want to feel your hands everywhere. I want my hands on you, everywhere.

  J: And my mouth, where do you want that? Do you want me to kiss you everywhere?

  A: Yes. Everywhere.

  J: Even where you are warm and wet for me, slick with desire for me?

  Oh god, I gasped. He heard me and our eyes locked across our laptops. Before I had time to formulate a response, he’d emailed again.

  J: Tell me what you like.

  A: I like you.

  J: What do you like in bed? What makes you come? Tell me?

  A: I don’t know.

  J: What do you mean you don’t know?

  Didn’t he realize how inexperienced I was?

  A: Please don’t embarrass me.

  J: Baby, I’m sorry.I’m not trying to embarrass you. Talk to me. Are you a virgin?

  Baby? He’d not called me that. I liked it. It made me feel like I was his, which I was.

  A: Not quite. I’ve had sex. Once.

  I heard the groan from across the desk.

  J: Just as I thought you couldn’t get any hotter. Don’t be scared. I won’t rush you. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

  A: I’m not scared. I want you. I want to be with you.

  J: We need to get out of here. Right. Now.

  Joel grabbed his hockey jacket and put it on while he was sitting down. It was cute to see him fumbling around. He was normally so nonchalant about everything. I followed his lead and began packing up my books and my laptop. Was this it? Were we going back to his place to have sex?

  Joel grabbed my backpack from my desk and slung it across his free shoulder as he normally did. Then he went to take my hand in his. It caught me off guard and I pulled away without thinking. He frowned at me but didn’t say anything. I was surprised by him wanting to be public about our … what was it? Fling? Friendship? Kissing arrangement? I didn’t want to be another one of those girls who lusted after Joel Wentworth. I didn’t want people gossiping about me, wondering what Joel was doing with me, judging me.

  We headed back to his place without discussing it. As we got closer, my pulse quickened. This was it. It was going to happen.

  “So, my little sous chef, what are we going to have for dinner?”

  That was a change in direction. Dirty-talking Joel was clearly confined to email.

  “I don’t mind,” I said.

  “You’ll let me choose?”

  “I’ll let you take the lead.”

  “You will? What happens if I choose something you don’t like?”

  “It’s good to try new things. It broadens my horizons.” He was looking at me; I could tell he was thinking, wondering how to respond. It was clear we weren’t talking about food.

  “I wouldn’t want to scare you off. What happens if I offer you something disgusting, like sheep’s brain? You’d never forgive me.”

  “I could never not forgive you anything. Do you even like sheep’s brain?”

  “No, but I’m just saying …”

  “Well, if you want to try sheep’s brain, l trust you.” Holy hell, did I?

  By the time we got to his place, I was nervous. We dumped our bags in the hallway, pulled off our shoes and I followed him into the kitchen. From behind him, I grabbed his hand in mine.

  “Now is ok, but not in the library?” he asked me.

  I looked at him. “When it’s us, it’s ok.”

  “Just us?”

  “I like just us.” He squeezed my hand and we headed toward the kitchen.

  “Do you want some wine?” he asked hesitantly, moving toward the fridge.

  “You don’t have to get me drunk to take advantage of me.”

  “Ava, I don’t want to take advantage of you. Don’t say that.”

  “Hey, I was joking. I know you don’t,” I stood in front of him as he placed two wine glasses on the countertop. He wouldn’t look at me. “Hey.” I reached up and tilted his head so he was forced to look at me. “I want you. You’re not taking advantage of me if I want you.” My hands stroked down his chest to the waistband of his jeans. He caught my hands before I could reach for the buckle. He pulled my arms around my back and pushed me close against him. I could feel him beginning to harden.

  “You’re driving me crazy.” His lips parted and his eyes darted from my eyes to my lips and back again. With my arms still bound by his behind my back, he walked me backward until my bottom hit the countertop.

  He whispered, “When I release your arms, I want you to grab onto the countertop and don’t let go.” What? “Do you hear me, Ava?”

  “Yes,” I replied breathily and he immediately released my hands and I grabbed behind me as instructed.

  “Good girl.” He stepped back and surveyed me, his eyes sweeping up my body. “You are so beautiful.” I squirmed under his inspection. Why didn’t he kiss me like he meant it? Instead he busied himself on the other side of the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of red from the wine rack and placing it next to the glasses, and then he started opening and closing drawers. His arms flexed under his T-shirt. He had that semi-scowl on his face that was so enticing. Just looking at him, watching him, was intensely sexy.

  “Joel?” I wanted to touch him.

  “Stay there, Ava.” He didn’t look at me. Was he angry?

  “Are you punishing me?” That got his attention. He whipped around and raised an eyebrow. God, he was sexy when he did that. I didn’t move, but I could feel myself become more desperate to touch him, for him to touch me. He was grinning to himself; he didn’t look angry at all.

  He found what he was looking for, opened the bottle, and poured equal amounts into the two glasses. He paused before he picked the glasses up and took a deep breath, as if he were gearing up to say something to me. As he walked over to me he took a sip from one glass and then offered me mine. “Keep your hands where they are,” he instructed. He brought the glass to my lips and I took a sip, keeping my eyes locked with his. He pulled away and leaned against the cupboard opposite me.

  “So?” he said, looking at me with a half-smile.

  “So?”

  “So, you started telling me in the library what you wanted me to do to you. Remind me what you said.” I blushed and looked at my feet. “Ava? You said something about me touching you. All over. Is that what you said?”

  I nodded without looking up.

  “Where shall I start, Ava?” Was he asking me to tell him where to touch me? I peeked out from under my lashes and his eyes locked onto mine, and in a single stride, he was as close as he could be to me without touching me. I moved forward and he moved back, avoiding contact.

  “My lips,” I mumbled. I could do this. He brought his finger up and stroked the seam of my lips. My breath was running quicker now and I opened my mouth, trying to pull in my more air.

  “Down,” I whispered. He trailed his finger down under my chin and down my neck.

  “Talk to me. Tell me where.”

  “Both your hands on my breasts, Joel, please,” I whimpered. His hands grasped me firmly; I arched into him and my head fell back.

  “You like this?”

  “I want to feel your hands.”

  “You have to tell me, Ava.”

  “Joel, please, undo my shirt. I want to feel you.”

  He brought his head to my neck and finally kissed me. “Like this?”

  “Yes. More.” I felt his fingers finding my buttons as he kissed me down my neck and across my collar bone and back and then down following the buttons. Finally my shirt was open and Joel pushed it down over my shoulders. I went to move instinctively.

  “No, Ava. Hands stay where they are.” He continued his kissing between my breasts, bringing his hands over the cups of my bra and then he delved inside, finding my nipples, and they pebbled beneath his fingers. “Is this what you wanted to feel, Ava? Me touching you like this?” He rolled them between his thumb and forefinger, just on the brink of it being painful. I could tell he was looking at m
e, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I would faint if I looked into those eyes at this moment. I could feel the pleasure building deep in my belly. “Do you want to feel my mouth on your breasts, Ava?”

  I nodded. He knew I did.

  “Talk to me. Tell me what you want.”

  “Joel … please.” It was the signal he needed and I felt his tongue wrap around my nipple, his fingers still on the other. He alternated between his tongue and his teeth. I wanted to feel my hands in his hair as he moved between my breasts, but he shook his head. He was torturing me. I moaned loudly as his teeth caught my skin. It hurt so good. “Please let me touch you,” I cried out.

  It seemed to catch his attention. He changed pace and came up to look at me, and then crashed his lips into mine. His force took me by surprise. He pushed his tongue into my mouth like he just couldn’t wait a second longer. His hands found my waist and then one slid lower, under the hem of my skirt to dip between my thighs.

  “What about here, Ava? Do you want to feel me here?” His mouth was hovering over mine. I thrust my pelvis into his hand. “Is that a yes?”

  “Yes, Joel.”

  “Oh, yes. I can feel how much you want me. I can feel you through your underwear—all wet for me.” Oh, that mouth of his. I couldn’t feel embarrassed that my body had betrayed me when he so clearly enjoyed it. He began scratching his thumbnail back and forward on my underwear, sending tiny vibrations right to my clitoris while he watched my reaction. My mouth parted, I tried to concentrate on breathing. I felt so exposed to him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel his skin on mine.

  “More, Joel.”

  “Can you handle more, baby?” He found the top of my underwear and his hand thrust down the front of my underwear. The pleasure reached a new level as his fingers found my nub, and I cried out. “Oh god, Ava, do you see how you respond to me? I love seeing how much you want me.” He buried his head in my neck as he continued to circle my clitoris with his fingers. Within seconds, I could feel the beginnings of my orgasm start to build.

  “Joel, stop!” I screamed. His fingers stopped and he pulled his face back to look at me.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “Oh god no, I’m going to come.”

  “That’s the idea.” And his fingers picked up their rhythm as he continued to watch me.

  “Joel, seriously.”

  “You don’t want to come?”

  “Yes, but what about you?” I could barely breathe.

  “I want to make you come. I want to watch you come.” His fingers sped up and there it was. “Look at me, Ava. Do you have any idea how you look right now? Your cheeks flushed, your lips all red, gasping for breath because of what I’m doing to you?”

  And I was gone. My orgasm barreled down my spine and I arched into him and he caught me just as my legs collapsed.

  He kissed me gently and I opened my eyes into his. “Follow me.” I staggered after him, my hand in his, following him to his bedroom. “You need to lie down.” He guided me to his bed and I lay down willingly.

  “Shall I get you a drink?” he asked softly.

  “I don’t need anything. Please lie with me.”

  Joel did as I asked and lay down next to me. I scooted over to him and he pulled me into the crook of his shoulder, my arm around his waist.

  “You’re amazing,” I said quietly. He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head, turning toward me.

  “You’re amazing.”

  I shifted my hips toward him and felt his hardness against me. My hand delved toward his jeans.

  “Ava. No.”

  “No?”

  “This was about you.”

  “Can’t it be about us?” he stayed silent. I resumed stroking him through the denim. “I want you to show me how, what to do.” I could feel him thicken, so I was on the right track, but I wasn’t sure what to do next. I went tentatively toward his fly and unbuttoned him, using both hands to push down his jeans and briefs. He sprang loose. I swallowed. What next?

  “You can be rougher than you think you can.” He put his hand over mine, curling my fingers around him and guided me up his shaft. He released my hand and I continued the same path. I could feel him watching me. I looked up to him for signs that I was doing the right thing. His eyes were glazed and he licked his lips. I found a rhythm with my hand. Watching his face and the effect I was having on him was so erotic, I felt a wave of desire run through me and I closed my eyes to try to refocus on him. I felt a wetness at his tip and instinctively I dipped my head and licked it off.

  “Jesus, Ava.” His hips bucked from the bed and he grabbed my face with both hands and brought my face up to meet his and kissed me. I kept my hand on him as his tongue probed my mouth and he thrust into me, my movement unnecessary.

  I squeezed my hand slightly. “Oh god, yes, like that,” he choked.

  His forehead rested on mine and he spoke into my mouth. “Ava, I’m going to come.”

  He thrust again and I could feel his release on my hand as he groaned. The feeling, him coming apart like that because of me and what I was doing to him, was something I’d never experienced. I got why he liked watching me now. Watching him was amazing. Powerful. Hot.

  His forehead still on mine, his breathing slowed and he kissed me gently on the lips. He scooted across the bed and returned with tissues. I couldn’t pull my eyes from him as he started to wipe away the traces of his pleasure. Before he could clean my hand, I brought it to my lips and sucked my finger. He watched me intently as I tasted him. He tasted of salt and Joel.

  “Jesus, Ava, you’re going to get me hard again.” He took my hand and wiped it clean and I leaned in to kiss him.

  “I like you hard.”

  “You are perfect.”

  “Not so bad yourself. Now are you going to make me some dinner or what?” I was grinning from ear to ear.

  Present

  I had wondered if it would be the same, my body’s reaction to him. Sure enough, it was like a homing device. Before we had even stepped through the doors of the pub, my skin started singing. He was here.

  “Is that Adam?” Jules pointed at a blond-haired figure coming toward us from across the road. She started waving and he waved back.

  “Hey, girls. You both look lovely.” He kissed both of us on both cheeks. “Let’s get in, it’s freezing.”

  “Where have you come from? You look terrible,” I said. We were making our way up to the stairs above the pub. Jules seemed to know where we were going.

  “Thanks, Ava. You can be a bitch sometimes.”

  “Wow. Sorry. I was just concerned.”

  “You don’t sound concerned. You sound like you’re being a bitch.”

  “Fuck off, Adam. There’s no need to bite my head off!” What a great start to the evening.

  “Will you two stop fighting and just have sex already,” Jules screamed at us as she walked into the private dining room. Hanna, Matt, Daniel, and Joel turned their heads.

  “Who’s fighting?” asked Hanna.

  “Who’s having sex is the real question,” said Daniel.

  “Who do you think? These two freaks of nature,” Jules said.

  “You’re having sex?” Hanna asked with a concerned look on her face.

  “No, no one is having sex!” I said. Jules already had her arms wrapped around Joel. This was a total and complete disaster.

  “Well, I am. I’ll take Leah whenever I can get her,” Daniel responded without missing a beat. “She’s fucking amazing.”

  “Enough, Daniel. We don’t want to hear about your perfect fucking life all the time.” Jules had put Joel down and he was helping her off with her coat. He hadn’t met my eyes, but frankly I’d been avoiding looking at him until the last possible moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I could still see anger there. He pulled all the oxygen from the room and I had difficulty breathing. I could feel anxiety rise in my chest and I moved toward the door. I had to get out of there. I found the bathroom and locked myself in a
stall.

  Eight years. It was ridiculous that this was so difficult. I had a successful career and my own flat, but Joel Wentworth could still throw me off balance. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Jules throwing herself at him made me want to beat her senseless. It all made the relationship that I still had with him in my head all the more ridiculous. I was finally clear how I had been waiting for him all this time and how utterly pathetic that really was.

  “You stupid bitch,” I said to myself. Saying it aloud made me feel better. I could do this. I had to do this. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life like this.

  As I went back into our dining room, Joel’s back was to me and the rest of the group was listening to him intently. “I didn’t recognize her. She seems so different, older.”

  He was talking about me. Hearing him say that felt like a punch to the stomach. The sound of the door closing behind me caught the attention of the group and I couldn’t pull my eyes away. This was it. And there he was: achingly familiar, but also a stranger. “Hey,” I mouthed and I moved toward him but Adam found me and interrupted our reunion as he pulled me toward him into a hug.

  “Sorry for being a moody bastard. Are you upset with me?”

  “No, it’s fine.” My eyes hadn’t left Joel’s. He mouthed back “Hey.” There was no anger that I could see, but I wasn’t sure what was there instead. I was always so good at reading him and I was disappointed that I couldn’t see what he was thinking.

  “Really? Good.” And I was forgotten as Adam went to find his seat at the table.

  Awkwardly, Joel moved toward me. Do we hug or wave or shake hands? I’d not thought this through. The others, behind Joel, were exchanging banter and I could hear them argue about where Joel should sit. I reached out both arms and selfconsciously I rested my hands on his upper arms as he cupped my elbows and we exchanged kisses on each cheek. I was so aware of every part of him that was touching me. He smelled the same: Just like the boy I fell in love with.

  Joel ended up at the head of the table and I was on the left at the other end next to Hanna and opposite Matt. Jules and Adam grabbed seats on either side of Joel.

  “Are you still banging that supermodel?” Adam asked Joel. My stomach knotted.