Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  I know what you’re thinking. How in the world would our principal let us spend our detention at a motorcycle clubhouse? Well, three days a week Blade opens the clubhouse kitchen to feed the homeless and needy families. All the guys and old ladies are on a schedule to help out. They actually get a ton of food donated to them and it’s a legit charity thing.

  Damien stops next to me in the school parking lot. I’m standing in front of my Camaro, staring at the hood. “Why don’t we take my bike?” he suggests with a cocky smile on his perfect face.

  I want to punch him.

  “I know what it means to ride on the back of your bike. So no thank you,” I mutter, walking around my car to get in the driver’s seat. I turn back to him and say, “I’ll just see you there.”

  Damien sighs and leans down on the front of the car eyeing me with those serious eyes. “It doesn’t mean anythin’ for you to get on the back of my bike, unless you make it mean somethin’. You’re a little uptight. I just thought you might want to let your hair down and live a little.”

  I’ve always wanted to ride on a motorcycle. “That’s the thing though. I have a man; I don’t want people thinking we have something going on. Plus, I’d have to wrap my arms around you. Don’t think Victor would like that too much.”

  Damien shrugs and stands up straight. “Victor isn’t here now is he? You ain’t got to tell him. No one from that fancy school you went to is here. Who the hell would tell him?”

  “Why do you want me to ride with you so bad?” After today, I could seriously see him pushing me off while driving down the road.

  He sighs and comes towards me. He stops inches from my body and I suddenly feel electrified. His eyes pierce me with their intensity and then he lays it on me. “I want to kiss you, I want to fuck you, and I want you to touch me so bad I physically ache. I’m not goin’ to get the first two, so just get on the back of my bike. Wrap those arms around me and go for a ride. It’s all you can give me, so give it to me.”

  I think I might faint with every word that comes out of his mouth. “Okay,” I finally whisper.

  Then he’s grabbing my hand and dragging me along to his bike, which is parked near the back of the lot. It’s a huge beast with black paint and red skulls airbrushed in several places. He gracefully throws a leg over it after letting go of my hand. I swing my leg over the back, not as gracefully as him. I have to scoot my ass all the way forward, until my girly parts are snug against his ass. I slowly put my arms around his waist and feel the perfection of his abs through his thin black t-shirt. I feel those same muscles tense up at my touch.

  And the weirdest thing happens. I feel at home, like I was meant to be on the back of his bike.

  The thought freaks me out so much, I’m about to get off, when he starts the bike up and shoots out of the parking lot. Then nothing matters because my hair is flying in the wind and I feel free.

  I don’t feel the need to be the perfect girl my family wants me to be. I don’t feel like Victor’s needy girlfriend. I feel like me and I’m a fucking bird high in the sky, far above anything and everyone.

  The wind in my face becomes too much so I just close my eyes and lay my head against Damien’s back. With the gentle vibrations under my ass and the breeze keeping me cool, I could fall asleep like this. It doesn’t help that Damien smells incredible, like leather, soap and woodsy cologne.

  We fly through the streets of Dallas and I feel like we are the only two people in the world. I’m also confused by what I feel. I thought I would only ever want to be with Victor. But I can’t pretend that Damien’s words didn’t affect me. They tore open something inside of me, opened a place that Victor never touched.

  I think…I think it’s a place only Damien can touch. Which is scarier than free falling off the Empire State Building.

  When we arrive at the clubhouse, the line is already getting long. The doors open for food in about twenty minutes. I see old and young faces. Women and men. Teenagers and children. And these people are the reason I’ve never reacted to the club like other people. Yeah they do bad things, but they also do really good things. You can’t fault anyone in life for just trying to make it. Not everyone was born with the kind of money I was. I could honestly live the rest of my life on my trust fund, never working a day in my life.

  Damien and I don’t meet eyes as we head inside. I think he realized, just like I did, we had a moment. A moment we shouldn’t have had.

  Blade stands in the middle of the open room. There is a bar off on the far right wall but it’s closed up until the people leave. There are fifty tables, round and with five chairs sitting around each. A buffet sits along the left side with open windows over it, looking into the kitchen. People are in there cooking and getting dishes ready.

  “There’s my two fist fighters!” Blade yells across the room once he spots Damien and I. “Y’all head to the back, you’re goin’ to be servin’ since it’s too late for makin’ you cook. After everyone has eaten, you two are on dish duty!”

  I hear Damien groan as I follow him into the kitchen area. Men and women both look up at our entrance and smirk. A younger girl with long blonde hair and dark blue eyes runs over and throws herself at Damien. “Daddy put you on dish duty with that girl,” she says with a huge smile. “You think she’ll punch you again? I want to watch!”

  Damien chuckles and moves the girl slightly away from him. “I hope not Princess. She has a mean right hook. Why don’t you serve between us? Protect me from the crazy woman?”

  “Like you need anyone to protect you. You totally could have stopped me from punching you,” I scoff, walking around the pair to where aprons are hanging on hooks. I put on a black one. I’m about to tug my hair out of the way when warm hands do it for me. The hands caress my neck gently along the way and I break out into shivers. “You got to touch me, now I get to touch you,” Damien whispers, leaning his mouth against my ear.

  He moves away from me a little and ties the strings around my waist. What does it say about me that I like it when he touches me? Does that make me a harlot or something?

  Gah!

  I don’t reply to him, just move around him to go stand behind a spaghetti-looking dish. The girl moves to stand next to me. We look at each other and she smiles. “I’m Chutney. Daddy called you Glossy, but I know that’s not your name. If it is though, your parents must have hated you.”

  I return her smile. “My name is Ashley. Your brother gave me the other name. Not all that original is it?”

  She contemplates this for a second and then she nods her head. “It’s prissy and dull. You are neither of those things. But you don’t pick the nicknames, they pick you.”

  “How old are you Chutney? I have a few little brothers that would get a kick out of you.” Well, Donovan and Court. I haven’t even met Channing, so I wouldn’t know what he would think.

  “I’m fourteen. How many brothers do you have? I have two, but I don’t claim them all the time.” We share a laugh before people start to come into the building and get in line.

  A sense of sadness comes over me when I think about my brothers. “I have two younger brothers by my mom and one younger brother by my dad. Donovan, Courtney and Channing. You’re older than all of them though.”

  “I don’t know anyone by those names, they must not go to my school. I would definitely know a boy called Courtney. Your parents must have hated him.” She giggles but I don’t join in this time.

  Chutney chatters away but I barely listen as I serve food. Channing would be twelve now. Same age as Courtney. I wonder what he looks like? Does he favor his mother or our father? I guess I could ask Van or Court. Even Annabella, but I won’t. I don’t want to know anything because it hurts. Channing refuses to have anything to do with me. Not that I blame him. I left him to a fate far worse than death.

  His control freak mother.

  “Why do you look like someone ran over your dog?” Damien whispers next to my ear. I startle and drop my spoon into the spaghe
tti. Luckily it wasn’t the floor.

  I turn to face him and glare. “None of your business.”

  Damien’s eyebrows come together. I don’t want him guessing what’s wrong with me so I just spit it out. He doesn’t know me and he doesn’t know my family. I can say whatever I want and not have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. “I’ve never met my youngest brother. He lives in the same town as me, even goes to the same school as both my other brothers. But I don’t know what he looks like or what he enjoys in life.”

  “Why don’t you go and introduce yourself?” The question is innocent enough but he doesn’t understand the workings of my family.

  “He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Every time I’ve gone to visit him, his mother turned me away. I finally stopped going. If he doesn’t want to be in my life, then I can’t force him.” I pick my spoon back up and shovel some noodles in red sauce onto the dirty older man’s plate. “Besides, my brother Court, he’s made it pretty much impossible. He treats Channing like shit, always has actually. Court doesn’t like the idea of anyone hurting me, so he takes it upon himself to protect me, even when I really don’t need him to. He’s twelve though, so it’s hard to reason with him.”

  Damien smiles and serves a little girl with her mother before turning back to me. “Either you can feel bad about it, or you can live with it. Just stop lookin’ so damn sad, it’s making me sad.”

  My mouth pops open. That was kind of a sweet thing to say, though it was silly. Ignoring that comment, out loud I said, “I’m sorry I punched you. I got my first letter from Victor the other day. It put me in a bad mood.”

  This makes him laugh. “What did Victor write that made you so mad?”

  “Nothing really. It’s just when he was here, he never wanted to do anything. He was always hanging out with his best friend. I hate females, so I don’t have any friends myself, so I was always bored. So he writes me and is all ‘get out and do things. Get drunk. Go to the movies. Go make friends.’ I’m like, if you had ever wanted to leave the house I wouldn’t have that problem, now would I?”

  Damien thinks about this and I can tell it bothers him. “Is that why you were parked outside the theater the other night? Why didn’t you go see a movie?”

  I shrug. “Because it’s lame to see a movie by yourself. It’s pretty lame to do any of those things by yourself.”

  I turn back to serve another person and Damien puts his hand on my shoulder, causing an earthquake throughout my body. “I’ll do those things with you. I’d never let you be lame. I promise.”

  I want to think he’s joking but I can see the seriousness in his eyes. I know it’s not a good idea though. We should stay far away from each other. He’s bad for me. If I spend too much time with him, then I’ll end up being a skank. As it is, I can’t go five seconds without creaming my underwear around the guy.

  But Victor’s not here. Victor chose his best friend over me, more than one time. I think it’s about time I pick my life over Victor.

  “I want to get drunk first.”

  Damien

  “What’d she tell you Princess?” I ask my little sister later that night. I took Glossy back to her car after our shift in the kitchen. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anythin’ like it. Glossy bein’ on the back of my bike is out of my comfort zone. I don’t wanna get close to her. I wanna keep her at arm’s length and pretend I could help her cheat. But I know I can’t. I meant what I said. I hate cheaters.

  I know the brothers have old ladies and girlfriends. Some of them even have an old lady and a wife. I watch those women struggle with their love for the man. I couldn’t let the woman I love watch me make moves on another woman. I guess you can call me soft when it comes to women. I learned that from my momma. My Pop has always been in my life but my momma raised me by herself. Pop paid child support and he helped raise me but I lived with my momma. She taught me to be sensitive towards female feelings and she put into perspective what a woman goes through when a man cheats.

  I seriously couldn’t do that to a female.

  Chutney, the light of my life, starts hoppin’ around her room while I sit on her bed. I know she’d rather be listenin’ to music and learnin’ the lyrics right now but she’s gonna have to learn to spend time with other people. Her whole life is music but sometimes she takes it too far. She can’t live her life in this room with her headphones on. She has to socially interact.

  “She talked about her brothers. She didn’t talk to me about the boyfriend. Mostly she let me talk and that was pretty awesome. You and Ryan don’t ever want to talk about what I want. That gets annoying.” She twirls around the room probably singin’ one of her songs in her head.

  I chuckle at her. I was really upset when Pop told me he was havin’ another kid and that kid was gonna be a girl. Mind you, I was four at the time. Ryan was two and I thought it was awesome havin’ him around. I didn’t want another little person to look after. I wanted it to be me and my bro against the world.

  Then little miss Chutney was born. Chutney’s mom has always intimidated me. She’s always been a sexy woman, but Betty has this aura about her. You don’t fuck with her and you don’t fuck with her family.

  I’ll never forget though when she sat Ryan and I down to talk about the baby. I remember her bein’ huge in the stomach so she must have been close to poppin’ Chutney out. Betty had Pop livin’ with her at the time so we were there for our weekend visit. She asked if we wanted to feel the baby kick and while I was cautious about it, she wasn’t. She grabbed my hand and placed it to her stomach. Then this little bump moved under my hand and my eyes got wide. “That’s your little sister Damien,” Betty said to me, and I was in love. I hadn’t even set eyes on Chutney yet.

  I was there when they brought her home from the hospital. And Betty set Chutney down in my lap and I knew I’d die before I let anythin’ happen to her. And I remember whisperin’ that to her while she slept in my arms. Then she opened her eyes, eyes the exact color of mine, and it was over. I was smitten and I didn’t want to ever let her go.

  Of course, now I wish Chutney would grow up some but I know that’s not goin’ to happen anytime soon. Fourteen year olds aren’t known for their maturity. “Well you’re annoyin’ with all the talkin’ you do. We’re only feedin’ it back to you.”

  She turns to me with a look of outrage on her face. “You don’t tell a lady somethin’ like that!” She slaps my arm but not hard. I don’t think Chutney could ever bring herself to hit anyone hard.

  I chuckle again and pull her against me. I wrap my arms around her and put my face on her shoulder. “When you gonna stop growin’ up? I remember when you were toddlin’ around after Ryan and me. Now you barely want anythin’ to do with us.”

  She puts her face in my neck and sighs. “I’ll never stop growin’. You know that right? And one day I’ll go on my first date, graduate high school and get married. I’ll have babies with that man I marry and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it.”

  I squeeze her harder than I mean to but she doesn’t make a sound. “You ain’t datin’ until you’re forty. You’re too damn good for any man on this earth. You remember that shit when you got some dumbass hittin’ on you at school. You just kick those fuckers in the balls.”

  Chutney pulls away from me and scowls. “One, you curse too much. I hate it and I worry about your soul. Two, if I find a guy I like and I think he’s a nice person I’m going to date him. And I know this because you won’t know a darn thing about it.” She backs out of my arms with a smirk on her face.

  “Over my dead body,” I mutter, watchin’ as she starts twirlin’ around the room again.

  “I think Ashley has a thing for you. I might have been talking to her but she couldn’t keep her eyes off of you. I don’t think she even knew she was looking for you. And her shoulders were less tense and she smiled more when you were around.” She stops in front of me and throws her arms out. “I think you’ll make her happy and that makes
me happy. I don’t like the sadness in her eyes.”

  “Neither do I, baby girl.” And that’s the truth.

  Four

  Ashley

  I know you might think it happened really fast but I honestly have been thinking about breaking up with Victor for a while now. Long before Victor went off to Iraq. I mean he asked me to fucking marry him before he left, and I told him no. Why am I still in a relationship with him if I don’t see it going anywhere? When I get married I want to be sure. I want to be so blinded by love, I don’t notice sexy biker boys while my boyfriend is out of the country.

  So when I got home that night I wrote Victor a Dear John letter. Yeah I am one of those girls. But you have to look at it from my point of view. I don’t have the nerve to Skype him and do it. So writing a letter is really the only option I had. Believe me when I say that I hated myself after, but I refuse to cheat on him.

  If Victor had gone off to join the army and that’s what his heart wanted, I would never have written the letter. I would stay true to him because I know that what he was doing was honorable, because those men and women over there are protecting our country. Victor went solely to protect Talon.

  I know we’ve been over this, but I feel I should repeat myself. I know it’s selfish to be pissed off he chose his best friend over me, but when he constantly does it, I don’t know how else to feel. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best. I want the man I love to pick me and be with me. I want him to want to make my happy, not leave me behind to be with his best friend.

  Anyway, here’s the letter.

  Victor,

  I’ve been staring at this computer screen for hours. I should probably go to bed since I have school in the morning, but I have to get this out of my system. I have to tell you how I feel.

  I don’t think you understand me as a person. Do you know what I went through before I switched schools? I constantly had people asking if you were gay. Not only that, they would make jokes about how close you are with Talon. I know you aren’t gay because…well, I have been properly deflowered. But that’s not the point. You didn’t care what those people were saving. Girls thought it was okay to hit on you because it didn’t appear you were in a relationship with another girl.