Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  A knock sounds from my bedroom door and I turn to see Talon standing there. My stomach turns and I kind of want to punch him in the face. Ever since Talon and Victor have been hanging out, I haven’t gotten much time to spend with Victor. “You ready to go legs? Vic asked me to come up and get your bags.” He winks at me and I scowl.

  I zip up my suitcase and chuck it at Talon. He grunts when it lands in his arms. “Damn girl. Where’d you get that upper body strength?” I think he’s messing around but he actually looks quizzical.

  I give him a duh look. “I work out, stupid. How else would I beat anyone up?” I actually thought about getting into women’s boxing, but I really just want to hit people instead of getting hit myself. That shit hurts.

  “I didn’t know you did that. The things you learn.” He shakes his head and walks out of the room. I tug Court out of my room but I know he’ll be back in there. He’ll feel close to me there and until he moves on from me moving out, this will be a safe place for him.

  Mom and Van line up next to the door as we make our way down. Mom hugs me, crying a little, but she knows I won’t be that far. In fact, I’m sure she’ll be picking up the boys from my new house often. Van just looks bored. The poor boy is almost fourteen and has entered that grunting phase. I can’t remember the last time he actually said a word to me.

  I tell all three of them that I love them and they wave from the front door as Victor, Talon, Annabella and I pull away from my childhood home. I’m so proud of myself for not crying. I also pretend I’m not pissed off Talon gets to sit up front and I have to sit in the back. I’m the girlfriend; I should get to sit up there next to Victor. Not behind him.

  Victor meets my eyes in the rearview mirror and he gives me a goofy grin. Feeling better, I grin back. Everything is going to be awesome!

  Hours later, after we move all the bags inside and get unpacked, Victor and I lay on our bed. Mom didn’t let us sleep together back home. And you’d think we could get away with it since she’s never home, that wasn’t the case. One of the three little people in the house told on us. So we stopped trying after the first week of it. This is how I’ve stayed a virgin the three years we’ve been together. Victor wanted it to be special, so he refused to do it anywhere other than a bed.

  If you haven’t figured it out from a few previous sentences, Victor is not a virgin. I didn’t ask and he never told, but I’m sure there were a few girls before he got with me. He’s got more experience than me, but I can’t really be intimidated, since he was fifteen at the time.

  Tonight is the night for us though. Well, I hope so, considering Talon is still here and it’s damn near midnight. We all have school tomorrow. I just don’t understand why they have to spend all this time together. They go to the same school, hang out every day after school and they are in constant contact. I always wonder if I should be worried. Maybe Victor has latent gay tendencies. Maybe he just wants to hide who he is from everyone. Maybe I’m just the perfect excuse.

  I mean, what red-blooded teenage male is going to be okay with stopping it at heavy petting for three years? You’d think after the first three times he would be pushing for sex or something. I mean I listen to the girls at school. They always complain about their boyfriends always wanting to have sex.

  I always wonder if it’s me. Am I too tall? Am I too fat? I have curves in all the right places, maybe he’s attracted to stick thin girls and just doesn’t want to break my heart.

  Honestly, I would rather him break up with me for another girl than keep putting me through this misery. Do you know what it’s like to be constantly unsure of yourself? It’s exhausting and lonely.

  I go to sleep that night long before Victor comes to bed. It was the first night I ever felt like Talon was stealing my life away from me. Slowly draining the things inside of me that made me strong.

  Victor

  For once in my life I want to kick Talon’s ass instead of protecting it. It’s been three fucking years since I got with Ashley and tonight was finally going to be the night we had sex. But no, Talon had to get us into more trouble than we’re already in.

  For the past couple of months we have been fucking with the mob. And a few weeks ago we finally took care of the one guy we’d been looking for. The guy who got Maggie hooked on drugs.

  The one that helped her die.

  Talon has all this pent up aggression inside of him and I knew he needed to let it go. So I suggested we start fucking with them, since they can’t seem to stop fucking with the rest of this town. Every night on the news there’s a new story. Girls getting kidnapped out of their beds never to be heard from again. Young men who are now full of bullet holes from a drive by shooting. Mothers now childless and fathers forced to do things they don’t want to do, to pay back more money than they owed. It’s a sick place right now and I was more than happy to get rid of these people.

  Luckily Talon’s half brother, Bastard, knows all the ins and outs. He’s part of the Wrath MC and he knows all the big players and who we need to target. He felt Maggie’s loss just like the rest of us.

  There was never a girl more full of light; until it was snuffed out by heroin. We watched as she slowly fell apart in front of our eyes. Little sisters are supposed to be protected but we couldn’t protect her.

  Maybe we took it too far but we sure as hell can’t take it back.

  I stumble up the stairs of my house on my way to Ashley. I know she’ll be asleep and I know she’ll be mad at me tomorrow but she won’t say anything. She never says anything and maybe that’s why we’ve worked out for so long. She doesn’t fight me on anything, not really. I think that makes me a dick, doesn’t it? That I don’t want her to fight me on anything?

  I’m a selfish person and I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to let her in and share all the things I need to share. I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with Ashley. But I don’t know how. I know I’m losing her but after tonight I know we’ll never work out.

  I have to go off to war. She’ll think it’s to protect Talon because I want her to think that. In reality, Talon, Bastard and I killed a man. We killed the man who helped kill Maggie. We shot him dead in the streets like the piece of trash that he was. But we didn’t know the blowback was going to be this bad.

  I had to stand in front of the Governor, or Mr. Hartford, Talon’s dad. It was just me because he’s already made Talon sign up for the army. Tonight he made me do it. He wanted us to be protected and he couldn’t do that here. He said we needed to get out of here, that the mob wasn’t going to let it go.

  Talon and I thought it was the way of life for a made man. You end up dead for the evil shit that you do. I didn’t realize the mob cares about its men and we killed someone important. We killed the head boss’s right hand man and nephew. Shows what the fuck I know about the mob. I didn’t know someone would go looking for his killer or that anyone would even know what we did.

  I stand in front of my bedroom door and watch Ashley sleeping in my bed. I shouldn’t keep her in my bed; I should let her go but I can’t. I have to hold on to something and she’s the only thing that can keep me grounded. She’s my light at the end of the tunnel and I know I don’t deserve her.

  I’ve spent the past three years trying to change her into someone she isn’t. But I don’t want someone who fights me on everything. I want someone who agrees and wants what I want. I remember the first time I told her I wanted three kids, I saw her flinch so I know she doesn’t want kids. I love her but what do I do? Break up with her because I don’t like some of her traits? That’s bullshit and I’m not a quitter. I’ll hold on to her until I can’t anymore.

  Or until she lets me go.

  One month later...

  Ashley

  “Hey Ashes, I need to talk to you about something,” Victor states from Annabella’s bedroom doorway. I was busy showing her how to fix her hair the way she likes. I’ve gotten tired of getting up early to fix it for her, so now she should be
able to do it herself.

  The words coming out of Victor’s mouth don’t sit well with me. “Alright honey, I’ll come find you in a minute.” I wave him away to finish with Annabella.

  The twelve-year-old looks up at me from her chair and bites her lip. “Do you think he’s gonna go with Talon in the army?” Her voice is small and I know it’s going to scare her if he does go.

  I knew there was a chance that he would go. Ever since we moved out of my mother’s house a month ago, Talon has been here every day. I think he stays most nights too, but I don’t know. Then, a week ago, Talon announced he was joining the army. He’s a year older than us so he doesn’t have to worry about school. Victor does though.

  “I don’t know Anna. Let’s hope not.” I try to smile for her but I know what Victor is going to say to me. I know he’s already made up his mind and there’s nothing I can do. His love and loyalty shine more for Talon than they do for me.

  I help Annabella into her bed and tuck the covers around her. She doesn’t have a mother to show her these things I’ve showed her. She also hasn’t had one to tuck her in to bed since she was seven. I know she’s getting too old for it, but I continue to do it every night anyway. “I love you, so does your brother. You don’t worry your gorgeous little head about anything, okay?”

  She nods and I kiss her on the forehead before getting up off her bed and exiting her bedroom. My hands slowly start to shake and my mind goes to scary places. I make my way to our bedroom and I find him sitting on the bed with his head bowed.

  Tingles race along my skin and they aren’t the good kind. Not the kind that flow when he touches me. With everything wrong in our relationship, the sex is magic. We connect in bed way better than we do outside of it. Not that I don’t try, but he’s so far away from me with all our clothes on. I don’t understand him most of the time but I know in my heart that I love him. I know I would do anything for him even bear this burden. I don’t want to carry his choices and take care of everything without him. I just want him to stay; I just want to be enough to make him stay.

  But I know I’m not.

  “When do you leave?” I ask, my voice cracking. Tears start falling down my face and I feel weak. I shouldn’t cry for a man who didn’t even talk to me before joining the army. I see it in his light brown eyes when he lifts them to look at me. He did this without a thought for me. For Annabella.

  My teeth bunch together as I try to hold more of my tears at bay. But they slip out anyway. Victor gets up off our bed and crosses over to me. I stare into his eyes the whole time and I know he sees the betrayal and sadness I want to hide. “Next week. Basic training for ten weeks. Then I’ll be back,” he whispers as he wraps his strong arms around me.

  “Until they send you off to Iraq or Afghanistan.” I want to run and hide away someplace this can’t touch me. How am I supposed to live my life without him? It seems impossible from where I’m standing. My whole life is Victor.

  Maybe I should have opened my eyes sooner. He doesn’t feel the same about me as I do about him. He lives his life for himself instead of for me, like I do him. I listen to everything he tells me to do. I stay at home with his sister while Talon and him go out at night. I repress parts of myself because he doesn’t like those parts.

  I am weak.

  “Yeah, I might get sent over there.” I’m floored that he is so cool about it. Like going over there is what he wants. I guess there are things I will never understand because I’m not a man.

  Thank God.

  I pull away from him and walk backwards for a few steps. I look up at him and take in the serious expression on his face. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed here? Why does Talon need you so much? What about Anna and me? Do we mean nothing to you?” The questions keep flying around in my head. But the one that stands out more than most, is the one I hate. Why am I not enough?

  Victor sighs and runs a hand down his face. A face I love and hate at the same time. “It’s not about all of that. I just feel it’s my duty. You’ll be okay without me. And Anna has you, your mom, and your brothers. She’ll be fine.”

  The sadness slowly starts to fade at his words, replaced by anger. I always feel anger when I talk to Victor. He just won’t listen to reason. “She needs you, her brother. The only family she has. Don’t you think she’s been through enough without having to wonder if you’ll come back in a coffin?”

  Victor strides over to me, anger quickening his steps. He points a finger in my face and it takes everything inside of me not to slap it away. “Don’t you talk to me about what she’s been through. You couldn’t even understand everything my sister has seen at her age. You wouldn’t understand everything I’ve seen. You’re too busy hiding behind your wall and overlooking the world and all its problems. You’re only worried about your own.”

  That’s when I do slap his hand away. “Fuck you, Victor Gage. I’ve lost a parent; I have one brother who hates me. I’ve walked in on my stepfather beating my mother. I’ve seen plenty of shit in my life.” I’m screaming now and I hope to God Annabella can’t hear us. She doesn’t need to hear us fighting. “I don’t know half the shit you’ve seen because you won’t tell me! You don’t talk to me! You’re always off with Talon and doing what Talon wants! Fuck you, Victor! Just fuck you!” I’m slamming my fists into his chest, not knowing how I got this close to him again. I want to be far away, somewhere he can’t hurt me with his indifference.

  He grabs my upper arms and shakes me a little bit. “Fuck you, Ashley. This right here is what I’ve been talking about. You can’t have everything; you can’t be so selfish with people. I don’t have to tell you everything. Some of it isn’t your business! And what did I tell you about your mouth? You can’t talk to me that way. You need to learn some respect.”

  He pulls away from me and walks to the bedroom door. I follow him because I’m still in shock over what he just said to me. None of it makes sense. Who doesn’t respect who here? I’m totally confused. “I think you need to learn the meaning of respect. You don’t respect me. You don’t even listen to anything I say.” I’m no longer yelling, my voice soft and pleading. Pleading with him to listen, to hear me instead of pushing me away like he does every other time.

  He growls as he opens the door and turns to look at me. “I know the meaning of respect Ashley and I certainly don’t have any for you. Maybe you should take a better look at yourself and then you’ll understand why I treat you the way I do.” Then he slams the door in my face, knocking me back with the force of his anger.

  What the fuck just happened?

  I’m lost in a sea of self-loathing because I listen to him. He can’t even listen to me but here I am hating myself for the way I am. I’m someone he can’t trust with his life even though I trust him with mine. What is it about me that makes him feel this way? Haven’t I always been loyal to him, even when he didn’t deserve it? I’d never betray anything he told me. I’d never put him in danger, or anyone he cares about. Am I really that bad of a person?

  My tears have long since dried by the time he gets back. I was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I sit up at his entrance and it all hits me full force. I jump off the bed and run at him. I leap at him, wrapping my legs around his torso, my hand beating at him. I’m so pissed and crying and I just don’t care. I won’t let anyone make me feel this shitty about myself. By this point I’ve realized Victor is a horrible person. Not me. “I hate you!” I scream, my voice cracking and breaking apart in the otherwise quiet room.

  “I know, baby,” he whispers, tears leaking out the sides of his eyes. It doesn’t stop me though. This time I attack him with my mouth. My lips smash into his and it’s a hurricane of hatred and bitterness. We do this to each other. We make each other this horrible thing and it’s been going on for so long. I can’t even face myself in the mirror each day because who I’ll see is not someone I would ever want to be.

  Victor’s tongue pushes into my mouth and I bite it. He snarls and drops to his
knees, taking me with him. We end up on the floor, his hand pulling my hair back, forcing my mouth to kiss him deeper.

  His phones rings, “Attack” by Thirty Seconds to Mars plays, but he ignores it. For once in his life, Victor ignores a call from Talon. It urges me on as his hand slips into my pants, down into my underwear and right for my clit. I grind my hips against his hand, my mouth still attacking his.

  I move my hands to rip his shirt over his head; angry when his lips leave mine for the second it takes. Then he’s back taking over my mind, my body and my fucking soul. This is where Victor and I get along the most. We are good at this together, I don’t know why. I want to beat him to hell must days but the second he touches me, I’m on him like a raging bull.

  His hand leaves my sex and helps his other hand get my pants off. They get flung behind him, and my underwear goes next. His fingers come back, two entering me at once. He pumps them inside of me, fast and hard, just the way I like it. He stops kissing me to look down at me as he fucks me with his fingers. But I won’t surrender completely to him. He will no longer win every time. We will be equals in everything we do and if we aren’t, then there won’t be an us. Because I refuse to be put back into that place I was in earlier.

  I refuse to hate myself.

  My hand goes into his jeans and then around his erection. I pump my hand up and down hard, just like he’s doing to me. He groans and his eyes fog over with lust. I feel it too and I no longer want his fingers in me, I want his dick. I shove his hand away from my sex and move to wrap my legs around his waist. He takes over from there by unfastening his jeans and pulling his dick out. Then he’s entering me with one thrust, causing me to throw my head back at the pleasure.

  Victor sits back on his legs and grabs up my hands pulling them over my head. He locks my wrists in one hand and leans forward to support his weight on his free hand. We slam our hips together, causing the best friction and it only urges me on. I can’t touch all that golden skin displayed in front of my eyes. But I can never keep my eyes away from the place we are joined. I love to watch him move inside of me.