Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  “That’s right. You watch me fuck you,” he rasps, his hand clenching around my wrists almost to the point of pain. “Who owns this pussy? Hmmm?” he asks, his voice hard and unyielding.

  I moan around my words, coming closer and closer to getting to the fireworks. “You do.” And then I come because I can’t take it anymore. I let it go and feel it all over my body. If you ever wonder why I’m still with Victor, it’s because of this right here. I don’t think I’ll ever connect with anyone like this.

  Victor comes soon after me, his eyes rolling back into his head and his hips thrusting hard into me. It’s always a sight to see, the way he comes. Like he’s never experienced it before. I do that to him, only me.

  He lets my wrists go when he’s done. Then he lays down beside me, his muscled body covered in sweat and his chest rising up and down with surprising speed. “You think one of these days I’ll get your shirt off when we fuck?”

  I laugh breathlessly. “Probably not.” I move to get up but he keeps me there by tugging me over his chest. I give him a shy smile, unused to him wanting to cuddle. Victor likes to fuck and then go to sleep. He actually doesn’t like to be touched much, now that I think about it. But that’s just one of those things about him. If I’m going to be with him, then I’ll have to take him how he is. I would never ask him to change.

  He nuzzles into my hair and sighs. “Are you going to kill me if you end up pregnant?”

  I freeze at his question. We usually use condoms but sometimes we get out of control and forget one. Like this time. And this time I wish I could tell him there is nothing to worry about because there’s no way I could be pregnant. If I do that though, he’ll leave me. Victor expects perfection from me and that expectation makes me broken. It also makes me less of a woman. All things I can’t change though.

  “No, I won’t kill you. I might cut off your dick though,” I whisper, trying to make myself sound normal, but I know that I don’t.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? I didn’t hurt you did I?” I lift my head to meet his light brown eyes and for once I see concern in them instead of regret. Sometimes after we have sex, he looks at me like he regrets it. Like he shouldn’t have touched me, like I wasn’t good enough for him or something.

  I shake my head and lean down to kiss his lips softly. “Just tired, honey. I’m going to go clean up and get ready for bed.” And I do just that.

  Victor is lying in our bed when I return. I crawl onto my side of the bed and turn away from him. He doesn’t like to cuddle when we sleep either. I used to think it was okay, but know I hate the distance it creates between us.

  This time though I should have just shut my mind up because he rolls into my back and throws an arm over my stomach. “I love you, Ashes,” he whispers into my ear, making me shiver.

  “I love you too.”

  Three and a half months later

  Victor’s leaving for Iraq tomorrow. I’ve been floating through my day not really doing anything or saying anything. I feel numb. I knew when he joined there was a huge chance that he would leave, I just didn’t set myself up to truly believe it. If I had, I wouldn’t feel like my entire life was falling apart around me.

  Annabella and I have packed up all our clothes and anything we will need at my moms. We decided not to stay at Victor’s while he’s gone. It would be too sad. At least at my mom’s house there are three other people to be around.

  I’ve been laying around in our bedroom since I got up this morning. Just listening to music and trying to forget that my long-term boyfriend is leaving me. How do I deal with that? How do I just let him leave, knowing he’s going to a place with landmines that blow up Humvees everyday? To a place where American soldiers lose their lives everyday.

  “Call Me” by Shinedown plays over the stereo as Victor enters our bedroom. Normally the sight would perk me up, but how can it, knowing he won’t be around after tomorrow? I won’t see him for months.

  “Ashes, you gonna come out of this room at some point today?” he asks, crossing the room and crawling onto the bed. He hovers above me before staring down at me with those eerie eyes of his.

  I want to smack him for his question. “No. I don’t feel like socially interacting with my peers today. Come back tomorrow.” Victor laughs like I knew he would. He doesn’t make the sound often, so it’s always a treat when he does.

  “Well will you at least sit up? I have something I want to ask you.” I nod as he moves to sit at the end of the bed. He’s wearing a tight blue t-shirt, the v of it showing off his smooth, muscled chest. His blue jeans cling to his legs and shape around the muscles there. When he came back from basic training, I drooled. He’s always had muscles, but now he’s built like a brick house. It’s sexy as hell.

  I sit at the headboard of our bed, wishing he were closer so I could feel the spiking edges of his hair. He had to shave off his wavy locks when he went for training. I don’t miss it because now I can see his face fully. “What do you want to ask me?”

  He sighs and pulls a little black box out of his pocket. My breathing immediately goes crazy. I know what’s in that box and I should have seen this coming. He would want me to be here waiting for him when he got back. He wants this to show that but it doesn’t. Not to me anyway. It shows his control over me.

  I guess somewhere in his twisted way of thinking, he thinks this is what I want. I don’t want to marry him though. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t tell me things he’s supposed to. He doesn’t talk to me like boyfriends are supposed to. And he chose his best friend over me. That right there is enough for me to say no.

  But the biggest reason I’m going to say no is because he wants three kids. Two boys and one girl. In that order.

  Victor holds the box out for me, with the lid popped open. I don’t even look at the ring; I keep my eyes locked on his. “Ashes, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

  I take a huge breath and let it out slowly. “No.”

  His face doesn’t fall with my answer. He just snaps the box shut and puts it on the bedside table. “Think I’ll sleep on the couch tonight,” he states, getting up from the bed and walking to the door. I don’t stop him and we don’t talk about my answer. Just like we don’t talk about anything else. We are basically roommates who have amazing sex and live together.

  I love him because through everything I know he loves me, he just doesn’t understand that love. He takes it for granted. He treats me like the airheaded trophy wife that I’ll never be.

  I know he’s a good person somewhere deep in that soul of his. He’s just not a good person towards me. He’s not a good boyfriend. I see how he is with his sister. I see what a good friend he is to Talon. It’s like he has nothing left to give me. He once told me all my love drains him, makes him crazy. We were fighting so I don’t know if he meant it, though I probably should know he meant it. I refuse to break up with him though because I honestly doubt there is anyone else out there for me.

  Thirty minutes later Victor comes back to our room. He doesn’t enter just stands at the door. “Will you tell me why?” his voice cracks on the question and I feel tears spring up in my eyes. How long will this go on? How long will we continue to hurt each other?

  I clear my throat and meet his sad eyes. “Because it was wrong of you to ask me.”

  His sadness turns to anger in a split second. He walks into the room and picks up a picture of us. “How so, Ashley? How was it wrong to ask my girl to marry me? I’m going off to war, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”

  “No. I don’t honestly think you even know why you asked me. Because asking me to marry you just because you’re going off to war isn’t a good enough reason.” I pause in my words to listen to the music change. “Discovering The Waterfront” by Silverstein comes on and I love the moment. The song is about a break up so it’s almost fitting. I know we aren’t breaking up though. It’s just the words that speak to me. It’s like the person who wrote the lyrics understands me.

 
“I think it’s a good enough reason,” he whispers. If only that was true. But I need more.

  “It’s not. I need you to show me more than what I know with you. I need you to love me completely, not just when you want to. I’m not asking for you to declare it in front of the world, but I do want you to show me privately. You just can’t seem to though. I want to be number one, Victor. I want you to choose me instead of Talon. You’re gonna look back one day and regret all of this. The way we’re headed, it’s right for heartache. So I’m not going to say yes. Not until you show me another side of you. That side I knew as a kid. I want you to be my friend and my boyfriend. Not just the guy I fuck and live with.” I stand up off the bed and turn off the stereo. I’m tired of sad songs and unhappy days.

  Victor will be gone and I won’t have to deal with this anymore. “I don’t get to do things because you want me to be at home with Annabella. I’m not her mother, I’m not even her babysitter, but you make me that way. You won’t let me go out because you’re afraid I won’t need you anymore. But that’s not true Victor. I’ll never stop needing you because I love you with my whole heart. I want to be with you but I’m not going to keep doing this to myself. When you get back from Iraq, and show me a different Victor, then ask me again and my answer will be different.”

  The picture of us flies across the room and smashes into the wall. He doesn’t say anything for a while. We both just stand there in silence and look at the cracked picture. I think this talk has been a long time coming but apparently Victor didn’t.

  “I am who I am, Ashley. I’m not going to change myself to make you better. You have to make yourself better. Maybe I’m not the one who’s ruining this relationship. Maybe it’s you.” He crosses over to me and grabs my shoulders. “You ever think of that? Because where I’m standing it’s you who doesn’t love me enough. You can’t even give me a little breathing room anymore. You’re always up my ass! I’m fucking sick of it!”

  I blink a few times because I can’t believe he just said that to me. “Excuse me? Aren’t you the one who doesn’t let me leave unless it’s approved by you? By the way, it’s never approved, you asshole!” This time I take my shoe off and toss it at his head. “I’m so fucking sick of you doing this! Just stop and smell the fucking roses Victor! It’s you!” He flinches at the high pitch of my voice but I don’t care. “One day I’m gonna wake up and hate you so much I won’t be able to look at you. Do you want that to happen? Because I’m not going to put up with this forever. I’ll be gone one day and you won’t be able to get me back. Stop putting everything on my shoulders and take some responsibility. No one is perfect and I’m tired of trying to be. Because none of it is good enough for you.” I pick my shoe off the floor and move to the bathroom. I take one more look at him and say, “You going to Iraq isn’t the end of the world. I just realized that. And you know why?” I don’t give him time to answer. “Because we suck as a couple. I’ll find someone who doesn’t make me be someone else. I’ll find someone who puts me first and I’ll rub it in your fucking face.”

  I slam the bathroom door and lock it. Then I slide down it as the tears start to pour down my face. I refuse to be weak in front of him anymore. So I don’t come out of the bathroom until my tears have long since dried. Not until my eyes are back to normal and my nose no longer sniffles.

  Victor has gone to bed by then, not once knocking on the door to see if I was okay. After all the things we said to each other, that one thought knocks me on my ass. He doesn’t like to see me cry but it never stops him from making me do it. He never asks if I’m okay and I finally realize, I’m not.

  The next day Annabella and I wave goodbye to Victor and Talon. Victor kissed me on the mouth hard and whispered he loved me. I didn’t say anything in return. I do love him but I no longer wish to express that to him.

  When I was kicked out of my private high school for fighting some girls over him, he didn’t ask me if I was okay. He just told me I couldn’t act like that in public. He said he wasn’t accepting their advances and that’s all that mattered. He wasn’t telling them to get lost either, so I took it as a sign. One where I could get away from him for a few hours a day. This was long before he joined the army though.

  That’s what I thought about when he walked into the gate to get to his plane. I was going to miss him but I was finally free. I finally had a place where I could be whoever the fuck I wanted.

  I could cuss, I could drive my car fast, I could wear clothes with holes in them and I could wear hooker heels. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. I might be alone now, but I wasn’t going to let it bring me down.

  Victor

  Annabella stands before me crying her eyes out. I feel my insides start to curl up and die inside of me. My organs are shutting down and I’m becoming numb. I don’t feel her tears now. I just feel empty.

  I don’t want to leave for Iraq. Basic training was hard enough. I know this will be worse. Bullets will fly at me, I’ll watch people I know die and I’ll kill again. But I have no choice. It’s either stay here and face the wrath of the mob or leave my loved ones behind so what I’ve done can’t touch them.

  “Anna, it’ll be okay,” I whisper, bending down to wrap my arms around her skinny shoulders. She really needs to start eating better. I wonder if I have anything to do with that. Am I the cause for all the problems in my girls?

  I know I’m the reason Ashley looks at me with resentment. I say things to piss her off so she’ll fight me. I try to make her feel bad and blame this on her but that doesn’t work. She knows this is all on me. Neither of them will ever understand. I’d be killed if I stayed here. The only reason the mob backed off was because the Governor is sending us away. I think the boss thinks we won’t come back.

  Well, Talon and I are both made of steel. We’ll come back alive if only because we are stubborn. We’ll be back and we’ll take them out if it’s the last thing we do.

  “Yo-you ca-can’t stay?” she stutters, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. Her face lands on my shoulder and her tears soak my fatigues. I may never wash this pair again so her tears will stay with me.

  I lift her face up to see mine and I stare into her honey eyes, the exact same as mine. Annabella and I were born of the same cloth. We aren’t good people, neither one of us.

  After our parents died it was hard to look at her. But then I started to notice she was like me. She was selfish and she was manipulative. I know it was her fault our parents died. I had hoped to change her as she got older but I slowly started to realize she was born this way. There’s no changing her.

  Just like there’s no changing me.

  I shake my head in answer. I cup her face and say, “I love you though. I’ll never stop thinking about you while I’m gone. I’ll call and I’ll write you letters. I’ll be back before you know it, Anna.”

  Her little hands wrap around my wrists and I feel a crack in my numbness. “What if you don’t come back?” she whispers, more tears spilling over her eyes.

  I give her a true smile because this I’m sure of. “Oh, I’ll be back. You’re not getting rid of me so soon, little one.”

  She grins through her tears and I kiss her forehead.

  Then I stand up and meet a pair of icy blue eyes. Her black hair is pulled back in a ponytail and I want nothing more than to pull it out. So I walk over to her and do it. When the black strands land around her shoulders I grab her up and slam my lips against hers. It’s not gentle but it does speak for my apologies. My apologies for always being the bad guy. For never letting her have what she wanted. And my apologies for the love that I’ve always taken for granted. “I’ll love you for the rest of my life, Ashes.” Because I will. I know somewhere down the road she’ll move on from me, grow out of our relationship and it’ll hurt, but I’ll let her go.

  She deserves someone who isn’t like me.

  “I’ll see you later, Victor,” she whispers against my lips when I pull back.

  I nod before I turn aro
und and move towards Talon. We head through the tunnel towards the plane. Talon puts a hand on my shoulder and I look up at him. “How long you think she’ll hold out?”

  I don’t even ask who he’s talking about. “Until we get back. She’d never break up with me while I’m off fighting a war.”

  Two and a half years later

  Ashley

  My eyes are puffy and swollen. It kind of hurts to open them. I’m so fucking sick of crying I want to cut out my tear ducts. I mean how much can one person take? I changed myself, became someone different because I thought that’s what I wanted. Where did it get me though?

  With a broken fucking heart.

  Damien “Rage” Daniels, the one man I thought would always be beside me, broke my heart in two. I don’t even know how to move on from this. I want to be pissed and smash his bike but that won’t solve anything.

  It would make me feel better though.

  I stand outside of my mother’s house trying to find the courage to go inside. Victor is in there suffering from bullet wounds he received in Iraq. A place I never wanted him to go. I knew this would happen. If not this, I knew he would either end up dead or with scars on the inside no one could heal. These men do honorable things for our country. It’s so wrong for them to come home like this…or worse.

  “Ashley?” I hear a feminine voice come from behind me.

  I spin around on my heels and blanch at the sight of Victor’s little sister with a cigarette in her hand. “When the fuck did you start smoking?” I bellow, crossing over to her and snatching it out of her hand. I throw it on the ground, spit on it, and twist my shoe over it.