The Road To Forgiveness

by Justine Elvira

  Her voice is coming from her bedroom. I make my way down the hallway and enter the room. My mother is digging through her closet. She is dressed in a pair of slacks and a floral blouse. She hears me approach and lifts her head from the closet.

  “I can’t find my denim jacket. It’s only going to get to sixty degrees outside and my denim jacket is the only thing that goes with this outfit.”

  I place my hands on her shoulders and gently move her out of the way.

  “Let me look,” I say as I start the process of rummaging through her things. Within a minute I’ve found her denim jacket hanging on a hanger in the back of the closet.

  “Here it is, momma.” I hand her the jacket and she smiles gently at me.

  “Thank you, darling.”

  “Where are you off to?”

  “I’m going to check out the farmers market in the middle of town. It’s the last weekend Riceboro will have it until March. You want to come?”

  I really didn’t want to come but I was trying to reestablish a relationship with my mother.

  “Sure, sounds like fun,” I say with fake enthusiasm.

  We walk into the kitchen and I grab two coffee cups so we can take some coffee to go. As I pour the coffee my mother starts talking about Betty Hazelwood and how her flower garden was destroyed by a bunch of hooligans from a few towns over.

  Her words, not mine.

  My mother has the tendency to talk like she is in her sixties instead of her forties.

  “ We walk out of her house and she starts to lead me to her car under the carport. I stop her by reaching my hand out and grabbing her elbow.

  “Let’s take Jonathon’s car. It’s already out on the curb and you told me last time how much you love the leather seats.”

  My mother let’s out a deep breathe and mutters, “Okay.”

  I can’t be in my mother’s car. Too many memories of Miles. I can’t avoid being reminded of him in her house but I can avoid the car. We head over to Jonathon’s car and I get into the driver’s seat as my mother opens the door to the passenger side. As we pull out on the street my mother starts her version of small talk.

  “So how much longer are you going to be in town for?

  “I told you Momma, I’m back for good. I just need a little longer to get back on my feet and then I’ll find a place to stay.”

  “You aren’t planning on going back to Miami?” she asks me nonchalantly.

  “No. Miami just wasn't right for me. I thought I could escape my past but the truth is, I can’t escape it. It will follow me everywhere.”

  We’re quiet for a moment as we both don’t know what else to say.

  “You still haven’t told me what you were doing down in Miami. Were you working? Did you make any new friends?”

  Here is the mother I know and love. She is a master manipulator. She loves to dodge the real question by asking questions that will goat me into telling her what she really wants to know.

  “Just stop, momma.”

  “What?” she asks innocently.

  “I saw Sebastian last night. I know he’s talked to you.”

  “Oh, Sebastian. Was that what that gentlemen’s name was? I completely forgot.”

  I smirk at her. She has always been horrible at this.

  “Sure you did.” I glance at her and then bring my eyes back to the road. We start to pull into town and I park on the gravel parking lot next to the Piggly Wiggly. This is the only grocery store around.

  “I thought he was rather nice. Charming, too.”

  “Did you? Maybe I can set you two up since you like him so much.” It’s hard for me to hide my sarcasm and my mother giggles at my response.

  “Now you know as well as I do, that that man was here for you. It’s not a crush either. You don’t stay in a small town, for weeks, if it’s just a crush. That man loves you and you came here running away from that. Why? I don’t know.”

  I’m silent as we approach the farmers market and thankfully my mother has dropped the subject. We stay for about and hour. My mother has gotten enough fresh fruit and vegetables for the next month. I’d be afraid it would go bad if it weren’t for the fact that my mother makes jams and purees to last through the winter.

  We drive back to her house and I come in for lunch. We talk about a lot of nothing and I leave a little while later telling her I’ll visit tomorrow.

  “You can stay with me, you know. I would love to have you here.”

  It breaks my heart to hear her say this. I know she wants me here. I know she’s lonely and grieving, too, but I can’t stay at her home. Too many memories of Miles. I’m not ready for that.

  “I can’t, momma. Jonathon needs me right now.”

  I hear her murmur under her breath, “I need you, too.”

  I pretend like I don’t hear her and say goodbye. I get in my car and drive to the cemetery. It’s Saturday so its a little more crowded than the day before. I spot a few familiar faces but thankfully everyone stays away. A cemetery isn’t the place to catch up with old friends.

  I sit at my son’s grave and start talking about my trip with his grandma to the Farmer’s Market. I tell him about the latest town gossip, about my phone call to Charlie, and I even tell him about Sebastian. This is the first time I have brought him up to Miles. I explain how he came by last night. I tell him how I pushed Sebastian out of the apartment as quickly as possible and that I’m not ready to talk to him yet.

  Before I know it the incoming car gates are closing to the cemetery. I look at my watch and its closing time. I say my goodbyes to Miles and started to walk to my car. When I get close, I look up and gasp. Sebastian is leaning against Jonathon’s car waiting for me.

  How long has he been here? His arms are crossed over his chest as his back leans against the car and his legs are crossed at the ankles. It reminds me of the scene in Sixteen Candles when Sam leaves the church and spots Jake, leaning against his car, waiting for her.

  This isn’t a movie though and I’m not leaving a wedding.

  I walk over to the car and stop about a foot in front of him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “You said we would talk today. I hadn’t heard from you so I drove over here and decided to wait for you.” He stands up straight and takes a step towards me. I freeze up. My body will literally not move.

  “Were you planning on calling me today or was I right? You were you just going to blow me off.”

  “I don’t know… I hadn’t decided yet.”

  His features become soft as he looks adoringly at me. “Well, I made the decision for you. Can we go somewhere and talk?” He reaches out for me and I move away from his grip. He turns me around so I am facing him with my back to the car.

  Sebastian pushed me back against Jonathon’s car with desperation in his eyes. His left hand grabs my hip and he thrust himself forward so every part of our bodies touch. I inhale slowly trying to take him all in.

  He isn’t leaving town.

  He isn’t leaving without a fight.

  On the outside I show no emotion, but inside I feel relief spread throughout my body. I don’t want to admit it but I need him. His touch makes me feel alive again. I’ve missed that these past weeks. I’m not sure if these feeling are going to break me but I’m going to grab hold of it. Even if just for a moment. Even if I know it can’t last.

  His other hand wraps around the back of my neck as he pulls my forehead to his. I can smell the remnants of his mint gum and feel his breath tickle my skin. His mouth moves closer to mine.

  “Kiss me,” he whispers onto my lips.

  I want to but I can’t. I don’t want to give him the wrong impression again. I don’t want him to think he has a chance.

  “No.” I say firmly.

  His lips move closer to mine and lightly brush against them. “Kiss me, Mia. Let me show you how good it feels. Let me help you forget the pain and just be in this moment, with me.”

  His mouth lightly touches mine in a
quick tender kiss. My lips burn from his touch and it takes everything I have not to make a sound, to look indifferent. I’m giving in. Caving. Another few seconds and I would be his for sure.

  His lips leave mine but still hover over my mouth. “God I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this, us, just being together. Kiss me, please.”

  I look up into his eyes and see the desperation there. He looks tired. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. His gorgeous blue eyes have dullness to them that I hadn’t noticed yesterday. I want to comfort him. I need to make sure he is okay. It makes no sense but I know I won’t be okay unless he is okay.

  Ignoring the inner battle going on between my head and my heart, I lean forward and connect my lips with his. His response is immediate. His hands grip me tighter as his tongue slips into my mouth.

  My hands drift up his chest and wrap around his neck. He lets out a moan as my hands grab onto his hair to pull him closer.

  I can’t breathe. I need more of him. This feels so nice. I start feeling tingles run through my body as the urge to get closer to him grows.

  Sebastian presses me even tighter against the car as his lips drift from my mouth. He starts kissing my cheek, behind my ear, down my neck. My body starts getting hotter as my legs voluntarily lift around his waist.

  His hands grab my ass and lift me until I’m sitting on the hood of the car.

  “Oh… Sebastian,” I breathe out as his hips thrust into mine. I can feel his erection pressing into me and I let out a high-pitch moan.

  His lips come to conquer mine again. His tongue gently teases mine as my hands move to touch every inch of his body. Just as I’m about to ask him to move this to the back seat of the car, I feel my morning sickness hit with a vengeance.

  I move my hands to Sebastian’s chest and push hard. He stumbles a step back and looked at me confused.

  “What’s wrong, Honey?”

  I’m about to respond but instead jump down from the hood of the car, put my head between my legs and vomit. The dry heaves continue as Sebastian approaches and gently rubs his hands across my back.

  Once I’m feeling a little better and I’m sure my stomach is empty, I stand up and am faced with a concerned Sebastian.

  “Are you okay?”

  I lift the back of my hand across my mouth to make sure nothing is lingering on my face.

  “I’m fine.”

  His hand lifts and he brushes his knuckles across my cheek.

  “You’re not fine. You just threw up in the cemetery parking lot. Are you sick? Do you have the flu?”

  I’m not sick, at least not with the flu but I don’t want him to know that.

  “I have been starting to feel a little sick. My body aches and I have a headache. Its probably just the start of the flu.”

  His hand continues to gently glide across my cheek. I don’t want to react but my body has a mind of its own. I close my eyes and lean into his caress.

  “Lets get you home and in bed. We can leave your car and I’ll arrange to have it picked up in the morning.”

  I want to argue with him so that I can take my own car home and avoid him. After that kiss my legs are weak. I’m light headed, and my heart feels like it’s going to beat outside my chest. Add this to the morning sickness, and there is now way I can go home by myself.

  “Okay,” I say quietly as I nod my head in agreement.

  Sebastian takes my hand and leads me to his car on the other side of the road. He walks to the passenger side with me and opens the door for me. Even after the past few weeks he is still a complete gentlemen.

  I get in the vehicle but my eyes stay on Sebastian as he goes around the front of the car to get to the driver side door. Once he is in the vehicle Sebastian turns the heat on low and starts the car. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I don’t even dare to chance a look at him. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll melt right into his eyes and forget the reason I left him in the first place.

  Finally, after what seems like forever, Sebastian pulls away from the cemetery and starts driving towards Jonathon’s place.

  “Are you hungry?”

  I shake my head no.

  “Thirsty?”

  Another shake no.

  “Do you want to stop at the drugstore and pick up some medicine? I have a doctor in Miami who would be happy to call something in for you.”

  I shake my head no for the third time. “I’m okay, Sebastian. I just need to go back to Jonathon’s and lay down.”

  He is silent again and I’m thankful for it. I need a few minutes to process what happened back there. The minute Sebastian touched me I completely lost the battle to stay strong. All my emotions and feelings for him came flooding back. I guess if I was being honest with myself they never truly went away.

  Sebastian reaches for the radio and turns it on low. His sudden movement brings me back to where we are. Sebastian’s car. I’m siting in a luxury Mercedes sedan. What type, I don’t know, but it’s a sharp car. I’m afraid to touch anything. The seats are black leather and match the black interior. The dashboard and interior have chrome accents to give the car an expensive look.

  “Do you think Jonathon will mind if I spend the night?” Sebastian asks me as we stop at a red light.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Jonathon. Do you think he’ll mind if I spend the night?”

  “Umm… I don’t think so. You don’t have to spend the night, though. I’ll be perfectly fine. I feel better already.”

  He looks at me with an annoyed expression. His hand goes out to grab mine as he laces our fingers together and sets our hands on the middle divider.

  “I’m not leaving you. You said your not feeling well and I just witnessed you expel the contents of your stomach all over the road in the cemetery. I’m going to stay and take care of you. Plus, this will give us time to talk.”

  Great. Kill me now.

  “Jonathon’s apartment is really small. It only has one bedroom and I sleep on the bed that pulls out from the sofa. There is not enough room for you to sleep at the apartment, too.”

  I’m met with silence. I think he is going to listen to me and drop me off at the apartment. The song changes on the radio to the new Imagine Dragons single as Sebastian slows the vehicle down and turns on his left turn signal. Before I know it he is making a U-turn and driving down the opposite lane of traffic.

  I look at him, then behind me, then back at him.

  “Are you insane? That turn was illegal.”

  “We’re fine, Mia. The turn was perfectly safe and no officer is going to write me a ticket,” he says confidentially to me.

  I glare at him as my breathing starts to settle. “Where are you going anyway? We’re only five minutes from the apartment.”

  “Change of plans.”

  Oh, no. I want to go to bed. I don’t want to sit in the car with the man I love any longer than I have to. It would be pure torcher.

  I turn my body towards him, “What do you mean change of plans. What changed?”

  His eyes never leave the road as he turns onto the only freeway around here.

  “You said Jonathon’s apartment was too small and I said I need to stay with you tonight. Being the levelheaded man that I am, I decided to compromise. We’ll stay at the hotel I’ve been staying at. It’s not far from here.”

  Levelheaded man? More like complete control freak with dominance issues. He is kidding himself if he thinks this will convince me he is compromising. The reality is, he is getting exactly what he wants.

  “This isn’t a compromise, this is kidnapping. Just take me back to Jonathon’s.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You need to sleep and I need to talk. The hotel is the best place to accomplish both. It’s an Embassy Suites, so nothing special. Do you know how hard it was to find a hotel around here?”

  I laugh at his ridiculous comment. “The population is under one-thousand. Why would anyone need a hotel?”

  He smirks at me as if he is enjoying my frus
tration with him.

  “Good point. We’ll go there, you can rest while I order room service and we’ll talk when you wake up. How does that sound?”

  It sounds great, actually. I need to be strong when it comes to Sebastian but I’ve become completely weak in his presence. He is like an addiction to me. It took awhile to wean myself off him, but I was doing okay now. Then… boom, he pops back in to my life and I’m putty in his hands.

  “I guess that will be okay as long as you promise to bring me my car in the morning.”

  “Definitely.”

  We sit in silence the rest of the car ride until we reach the Embassy Suites. I’ve been here once before, for my fifth grade chorus concert. I remember thinking how beautiful and luxurious it was. I still think it’s a nice hotel but Sebastian’s lifestyle has shown me what beauty and luxury really is.

  We park and head up to his suite. As soon as we walk in the door I head to the bathroom and Sebastian heads to the phone. I wash my face and hands in an attempt to cool myself off. I’m feeling feverish all of a sudden. Like my body is punishing me for lying about being sick.

  I dry my hands and walk out of the bathroom just as Sebastian is hanging up the phone on the nightstand.

  “I ordered us some room service. A little bit of everything because I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

  I look at him. I mean really look at him. On the outside, all that reflects off this beautiful man is confidence. On the inside, on the inside I can tell he has all but given up.

  “Sure, that sounds good. Do you mind if I rest for a little bit?”

  “Go for it.”

  Sebastian pulls the comforter and sheets down and waits for me to come in the bed. Once I’m lying down, Sebastian lowers the blankets over me. He sits next to me on the bed and slowly starts to caress my hair. I secretly soak up every touch his hand leaves on me. His hands make me feel alive. Like I know his body was meant for mine.

  A smile starts to spread across my face just as my eyes become heavier than they already are. I’m fighting to stay awake. To enjoy Sebastian’s touch, for a little while longer. In the end sleep wins out. I drift off to sleep in Sebastian’s bed while his hands caress me softly.